Depressed- MIL Lives with Me (grandmother, child, parent, father)
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Have you tried honesty? Tell her you need a lot of solitude. That you really need to be alone much of the day and would she respect that and keep to her room.
If I were living with a relative I surely would respect that request if it were made of me. Being old doesn't exempt her from courteous behavior.
I'd lock her in her room personally but I'm sure you're not as cold as I am (few are).
I actually talked to her about this a couple months ago. I was frank with her, and I told her I'm not good with sharing my "space" all the time. She told me there was no way she could stay in her bedroom much of the day as she would feel too "confined" and "closed-in." There's very little I could say to that. I've noticed that since that talk, she's seemed to make herself even more at home, spending even MORE time at my kitchen table. (Edited to add that I really can't say that it was my talk that is causing her to spend more time at my kitchen table. It could just be a function of the passage of time. In other words, the longer she lives here, the more comfortable and "dug in" she becomes.)
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
The next thing, is that the person who doesn’t have to be the one to do something will always be full of Great Ideas on how you could be doing it better. Ugh!
It's easy to be a perfectionist when you are telling someone else how to do it.
I actually talked to her about this a couple months ago. I was frank with her, and I told her I'm not good with sharing my "space" all the time. She told me there was no way she could stay in her bedroom much of the day as she would feel too "confined" and "closed-in." There's very little I could say to that. I've noticed that since that talk, she's seemed to make herself even more at home, spending even MORE time at my kitchen table.
Yes, I totally understand this. MIL has this strange sense of entitlement that my husband and I will pay for her assistant living if she needs it. She has flat out told me that for almost 20 years now. "You two will have to pay for one of those homes for me if I ever need it." I would about choke every time she said that.
I have mentioned lately to her that some facilities will accept Medicaid if one can private pay for a certain period of time at the beginning. She has a fear of "Medicaid homes" even though I told her there are some nicer ones that might accept her if she can pay privately until her money is used up...maybe six months...and then we can contribute some to fulfill that initial time period until the facility accepts Medicaid.
I definitely need to research this some more. I figured we aren't quite at that stage anyway since she can still do all the activities of daily living herself at this point (who knows what will happen down the road), and she wouldn't qualify for Medicaid assisted living because of that (and until she spends down her limited funds).
What will likely happen is that she will get ill and go to the hospital. Then she gets sent to rehab and you get her back a few days later. If rehab won't benefit her, and she is unable to be cared for at home, she will be put into an assisted living place that has an empty bed. No choices available. When her resources are used up, Medicaid starts paying. The only way to assure being in a facility of your choice is to pick it out and move in before you get to needing long term care. Or, having the finances to self pay. Even then, there isn't always a room available at the facility you want. This was our experience with it. You are in a different state, there may be some differences, but I'd bet it is a pretty similar system.
I think you need to see about getting treatment for depression if you haven't already done so. And take off on some of the weekends and leave your husband to take care of his mother. This living situation is working for everyone except you. It's working for your husband, he sees no reason to change. It's working your MIL's other children. Of course, if you aren't working outside of the home, and your husband is providing total support, he may feel it isn't unreasonable for you to be taking care of his mother. It doesn't mean he is right, it just may be how he feels.
I feel a bit sorry for your MIL as well as yourself. Kind of crappy to be old, infirm, and unwanted.
I’m really surprised the OP isn’t as mad at her husband as ... well; as I would be, at least. I would be furious!
Of course he’s “fine” with the status quo ... The relationship between mother & child has a much different dynamic than the one between spouse & in-law & the person who doesn’t actually have to DO much or CHANGE anything will always be perfectly fine with an arrangement such as this.
The next thing, is that the person who doesn’t have to be the one to do something will always be full of Great Ideas on how you could be doing it better. Ugh!
My husband is truly a rare breed. He has a much bigger heart than I ever will. He is an extrovert- a "more the merrier" kind of person. Opposites attract, I guess. He can't relate at all to my need for solitude.
I did point out that it's easier for him than me to have MIL live here because he lived with her for the first 18 years of his life. (He's also not home with her all day long like I am.)
It's hard to be mad at him because he honestly just wants to provide for his elderly, frail mother, just as he provides for me and our children. I believe if I was actually changing diapers for his mother, feeding her and dressing her, he would have more sympathy. In his eyes, he can't understand that having her here in our house is an emotional burden to me.
So good to know. Thank you. I'm hoping an approach like this works for MIL (she uses up her own funds, we supplement for a short period of time, Medicaid takes over).
Do you know what happens if your mom needs to leave assisted living for nursing home care? Is it there on the same property? Also, what happens if mom needs to leave the facility and go to the hospital followed by 20 days of rehab? Will the assisted living facility take her back as a new admit and accept Medicaid again?
My mom has been in the hospital and rehab multiple times. Medicaid continues to pay for her apartment while she’s there. The facility puts a padlock on her door and removed it when she gets back. They would only not take someone back if they needed too much medical care or couldn’t transfer with one person , but there are many residents who can’t walk and also several who were not demented when they moved in but are now, and they are still there. This facility does not have a nursing home. She may need it eventually but we will have to just wait and see. If she is hospitalized and has declined to the point it might be this time she can’t get better, I’ll have her go to a rehab with long term care that is nearby and decent, and hope they’ll keep her if her ALF won’t take her back. Most facilities do take Medicaid, in fact law requires a certain number of Medicaid beds here in NJ. The gamble is if one we want has empty Medicaid beds at the time. I would definitely if this time came, enlist the hospital social worker to try to help us find the best place to send her.
For this reason, you get an advantage when you pick an assisted living facility that has a nursing home section. On the other hand, facilities that do have nursing homes attached are quicker to send people from the assisted-living to the nursing home part, while at my moms place it seems they hold onto people as long as they are able to. I sometimes get in the elevator to visit my mom only to have a very confused resident wheel in with me, and when I ask what floor they want, it is clear they have no idea, and I end up helping them find their apartment. If my moms facility had a nursing home part, chances are that person would’ve been moved there.
I never had to supplement. There was a several month gap between the time she was out of money and Medicaid approved her, and I was concerned, but the facility was in the loop and they know too how the process is going, and they never once asked me to pay anything. They still sent the bills, but it seemed a formality.
What will likely happen is that she will get ill and go to the hospital. Then she gets sent to rehab and you get her back a few days later. If rehab won't benefit her, and she is unable to be cared for at home, she will be put into an assisted living place that has an empty bed. No choices available. When her resources are used up, Medicaid starts paying. The only way to assure being in a facility of your choice is to pick it out and move in before you get to needing long term care. Or, having the finances to self pay. Even then, there isn't always a room available at the facility you want. This was our experience with it. You are in a different state, there may be some differences, but I'd bet it is a pretty similar system.
I think you need to see about getting treatment for depression if you haven't already done so. And take off on some of the weekends and leave your husband to take care of his mother. This living situation is working for everyone except you. It's working for your husband, he sees no reason to change. It's working your MIL's other children. Of course, if you aren't working outside of the home, and your husband is providing total support, he may feel it isn't unreasonable for you to be taking care of his mother. It doesn't mean he is right, it just may be how he feels.
I feel a bit sorry for your MIL as well as yourself. Kind of crappy to be old, infirm, and unwanted.
Thank you for explaining how that works with regard to assisted living/Medicaid/available beds. That gives me some things to think about.
And, yes, I do believe my husband thinks deep down that I should just suck it up because I'm a stay-at-home mom with kids who are pretty much self-sufficient. I have health issues that keep me from working, as much as I would love to get a job. I do what I can here at home, taking care of a large house, shopping for groceries, making a lovely dinner every night and running the household in general.
I feel sorry for MIL as well since she is elderly and it's truly difficult for her to do things she would like to do. However, I can't say she is unwanted. Her other children ask her all the time to visit them or to go live with them. MIL refuses because she likes my home better and she says she finds them "annoying."
This thread is so real, the feeling and issues OP facing with. You are not bad and I believe most people worry about this. Coming from an eastern culture where parents live with kids and adult kids live with parents (basically no one moves out, you just age in place where everyone is unhappy) and growing up in western culture where happiness matters more than anything.... its tough. This hit home for me because in next decade I will have aging inlaws and parents & how will we manage.
I have a woman in my life from Vietnam. Four generations live in her house and it's not a large house. I would go mad but she seems quite happy with the situation.
>>MIL refuses because she likes my home better and she says she finds them "annoying."<<<
What about you?? You find HER annoying. Why does always get what she wants and you're stuck? Tell your husband he must take her to the home of one of his siblings. It's ok if she's not thrilled with that. Tell her it's temporary, only a few months. Maybe in time she'll adjust to Vegas and decide she likes it there and it would be a win-win-win for everyone.
are you and and your husband from a different culture? something seems a bit off here. i could totally see this scenario happening in my life b/c my MIL has wanted to live with HER SON for the last 15 years (she's a widow). I was like NO FREAKING WAY. why should my life be miserable b/c she never planned for her future? you need to go through all your options. i think it's totally fair her other child gets her for the next year. why in the world does her feelings take precedence over yours? your husband doesn't sound very considerate of you at all. my home is my sanctuary. i can't even endure a one week visit much less a whole year of a guest in our home.
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