Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
For months now Mom speaks nothing more than to visit the home where she was raised to see family and friends one last time... she describes people and places vividly... she left home at 18.
She travels very well... but her memory is fading to the point where sometimes little cues no longer work.
Some of the best times we have now is out and about... just taking her to the market or out for a meal means the world to her...
One of my coworkers retired and has been inviting me to visit for the longest time... things were not going well for Mom at home... I called my friend who lives about 3 hours away to ask if we could come up... she was thrilled. Turned out to be a good day for all.
When I asked Mom why she was having such a good time she said because she was seeing new things with me and the best part is she was just along for the ride...
I would love to take her home to see the extended family and there is a lot... 2005 we did that and spent 4 weeks just visiting with two weddings... a real highlight reconnecting.
My problem is work said it simply isn't possible to take any time off... I do have 7 weeks vacation and have been maxed for two years working one project to the next.
The Hospital is set for JACHO and other Accreditations this year... this means all hands on deck with carte blanche overtime... whatever it takes and I have been tasked to make it happen... but I don't think Mom can wait a year... simple things are becoming difficult for her...
Had a meeting with the Director today and was told time off would have to wait but I could use some PTO... an hour here or there so as to not forfeit.
29 years on the job and never missed a day...
After years of paying my dues... work is actually at a good place right now and I have the full confidence of the Boss because I always deliver.
Last edited by Ultrarunner; 01-17-2020 at 02:54 AM..
In today's world of 100% availability via computer/phone and the ability to even have conferences with camera access, I cannot believe that it would not be possible to take a trip even overseas.
When your Mom passes, will you want to remember her and the times with her or your job?
However, I have to be totally honest and say we are faced with something similar. Mom would like to go back to "home" which is 600 miles away. I told my husband when she moved here 8 years ago that after 40 years of trips for us (they never ever made the trip here), it was the last time I would ever make that awful drive. Mom has only one friend there who is 93 and she talks to her on the phone. There is no one else she communicates with since she and dad never made friends so there is really no person to visit or stay with. Told my husband it was really his responsibility to decide on whether he would take his mom to visit "home". He refused and I am not going to force the issue or make the trip with her by myself. I do take her on girl trips each year, regular shopping excursions and we see her every week.
Last edited by sweetana3; 01-17-2020 at 03:09 AM..
Its a lot of hands on with the other part managing multiple projects... new steam boilers, vacuum pumps, power plant overhaul... etc... Corp just green lighted all of it this week after saying it would be a go next week and then next week for the last 52 weeks.
Your point is spot on and I am sure I would regret it as 3 years ago I had planned almost the same trip when the Hospital was sold... The onboarding took months... the first time I ever had been through anything like it... basically appling for the job I had been doing for years...
I did go from Salary to Hourly... which turned out to be a hard personal ajustment but now acutally being paid for time put in is it's own rewards...
It could be a career ender because the corp people don't know me and my boss has went all out saying the place can't function without me... that is a quote and I know everyone can be replaced.
I have seen careers end for less...
Last edited by Ultrarunner; 01-17-2020 at 03:16 AM..
OP, it sounds like you are doing a lot already. And also doing everything you can to keep your mother and your job happy. Some things are just not possible and an extended trip with your mother right now sounds like it is just not possible. That is not a bad thing, it is just the way it is.
Putting a job (of 29 years) at risk in order to meet a "want" of a person you are caring for is not a good or reasonable life decision, imo. Maybe some of the extended family could come and visit her. Or maybe some of the extended family could come get her and make the trip with her. Or maybe she just has to take pleasure in her memories.
If I was in your position, I might talk to my mother about this. Let her know that I feel badly and "inadequate" when she brings up wanting to visit the old homestead because that is something that I just can not provide for her at this point in time. No one gets everything they want in life. Most of us are lucky if we get what we need. This life truism does not change as we age.
Guilt is a vicious emotion. This is not your fault. Don't judge or second guess yourself on what you are unable to do. Remember what you are doing. Day in and day out.
Last edited by LilyMae521; 01-17-2020 at 05:05 AM..
On those times when my boss said there was no way I could take time off because I was needed at work. I would ask...…..what if tonight I died? what would you do? always they seemed to have an answer...…..so I would say...….see you CAN do without me...……..
Would the world come to an end if you got sick? If your mom were to die would they disallow bereavement time? Probably not. The hospital would figure it out. We are all replaceable in the end. IMO you are simply being bullied. Not that they might not follow through but honestly if you are so important you can't take 2-3 days off are they really going to go to the effort to try to replace you completely? Could the trip be accomplished over a long weekend?
Tough decision. Take care of Mom. End your career. That is what it comes down to. There is no simple solution.
If you make the decision to take Mom, just put it simply to the job: "I am taking two weeks to care for my mom. She is elderly and this might be her last hurrah. I cut it back from a month to two weeks to respect my career".
And then do it. The rest will take care of itself, one way or another. Welcome to life. The choices are not always easy.
I chose the job when my mom was ill. Job could have cared less.
Years ago when I was still working, I took a couple of days off for a lumpectomy. Two days after the procedure, my mother died. I already had that Monday off for recovery time, and I ended up using that day to deal with the nursing home, social security (I could not afford her cremation) and the crematorium. I was exhausted, sad, and still recovering from the procedure.
I went back to work the next day and was forced to work for 12 hours. I really needed more time to process and grieve. When I asked for a couple more days, I was told "you already had that one day off," and "there are things that you do that nobody else knows how to do." They didn't give a rat's hiney about my physical or mental health.
Two years later, I took a week of vacation and they were not happy about it. A few weeks later, they "let go" most of us who were previously "irreplaceable" and since I could not afford or find the healthcare I needed to function with the health issues I had, I became disabled. The company had been purchased by an investment firm, and I believe they got rid of us because we made too much money after years of working there.
It is true that everyone is replaceable, no matter how "valuable" they tell you that you are. I remember the days when loyalty went both ways, and keeping good employees was important. Nowadays, it seems employees are no more important than a piece of machinery, perhaps even less so.
No one call make this decision for you, but with your experience you could probably find another job fairly easily if it came to that. Your mom's wishes are important to you, and when she is gone you will only have memories. I have learned over the years that family is the most important thing you can ever have and should always come first. Regrets are hard to live with, cherished memories are not.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
