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Old 03-16-2019, 04:29 PM
 
Location: Richmond VA
6,874 posts, read 7,835,444 times
Reputation: 18199

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I used to be a regular on this board, then my dad died and I had a bit of respite from caregiving.

Summer of 2017 we moved mom from her 4 bedroom suburban home to an independent living cottage which has been great for her. She has a social life again and gets a daily phone call, 1 meal a day, etc. I know she's safe, and I don't like her, so I don't visit much...3 visits in 2018 and I can only stay about 2 days before I want to throttle her. I have my own health problems and I moved in the summer of 2018.

Recently it's been getting harder for her to cover her tracks when she is confused. And of course she blames us because we won't help her. We've spent a great deal of time trying to help her and we're tired of doing the same things over and over again with no result. OR getting yelled at for doing things the wrong way (after she refuses to tell us how she wants them done because she can't decide) She is especially frustrated with using the computer. And she never calls anymore, I think because she forgets that she hasn't called.

If I went behind her back to notify her GP or her psychiatrist or her facility that she is struggling, she would be absolutely livid. So I have to leave that alone.

Should we flat out tell her we can't help her with her computer problems because she forgets things as quickly as we tell her?

The last time I mentioned cognitive issues to her she was quite indignant of course. I don't think she has alzheimers. I think she gets confused because she has been clinically depressed for 80 years. and also delusional about the reality of her life. She can't really separate what has actually happened from what she imagines has happened anymore. She is also confused because she doesn't sleep well at night but refuses to nap or set an alarm because then she won't sleep enough at night. She actually naps a lot while sitting up on the sofa but refuses to admit it.

She is in stage 3 renal failure (which isn't really a big deal right now). She is still driving but not much. Sometimes she calls because the car isn't working right, then she has it towed to the shop only to be told there is nothing wrong with it.

Should I discuss these cognitive concerns with her or just let it ride? Is it possible that some aricept would help her? I doubt she'd be receptive to the idea because she wouldn't want to admit to the dr. that she is struggling. She had a part time caregiver when she had some physical challenges but of course she hated that and would probably not welcome another. So if she isn't receptive to assistance I'm not sure there is anything we can do.
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Old 03-16-2019, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Evansville, IN
209 posts, read 415,633 times
Reputation: 544
If it was me, I would definitely mention it to her GP. I'm sure he/she wouldn't tell your mom that the information came from you (you could ask that the doctor not say you told him just to be sure). You wouldn't be the first family member who's had to go behind mom or dad's back! Medicare has various things the doctors are supposed to screen for on a regular basis & memory/mental issues are one of them, so her doctor could check things out & just pass it off as a Medicare requirement. Then the GP could pass the info along to the psychiatrist & facility.

I think it's important that her doctors & the staff where she lives are aware if she has some issues. You didn't say if she manages her own medications or if someone keeps track of them & gives them to her, but that's another reason for the doctor to know what's going on. So many times people have memory issues & aren't able to take their medicines correctly. Good luck! It's not an easy job to keep an eye on our parents, we're always 'the kid' to them!
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Old 03-16-2019, 06:29 PM
 
4,985 posts, read 3,929,342 times
Reputation: 10145
"...because she forgets things as quickly as we tell her?"

tell her GP.
she will forget.
unless....she only remembers what she WANTS to.
that was my MIL. she knew what time and channel her TV shows were on.
she "would not" remember to take her medicine or call for assistance.
it was willful and eventually obvious when we learned to ignore her protests.
take care of yourself, because if you do not, no one will take care of her.
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Old 03-16-2019, 06:38 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,989,915 times
Reputation: 50794
Whether Alzheimers or not, she sounds like she does have some dementia. My mother had problems with her computer, and she could never remember how to do more than email.

She also had problems with driving, forgetting how to turn her lights on, and once forgetting that she had left things in her trunk. She also forgot to take meds, and to pay local taxes. And she also forgot mealtimes. These are areas you might want to monitor for your mom.

Aricept is supposed to be a med for Alzheimers. I don’t know if it is still prescribed, and I don’t know if it would work for vascular dementia, or any other dementia. You really need a proper diagnosis, which might be hard to get. I’d recommend taking her to a geriatrician, if you can.

My mother did not have a proper diagnosis, except for dementia. She was put on Aricept, and later another med. I do not think either one greatly affected tge course of her dementia, and in retrospect, she was kept on those meds too long. But, also in retrospect, she probably had vascular dementia, not Alzheimers.

I want to wish you good luck as you deal with your mother.
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Old 03-16-2019, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Northern California
128,420 posts, read 11,859,851 times
Reputation: 38596
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
Whether Alzheimers or not, she sounds like she does have some dementia. My mother had problems with her computer, and she could never remember how to do more than email.

She also had problems with driving, forgetting how to turn her lights on, and once forgetting that she had left things in her trunk. She also forgot to take meds, and to pay local taxes. And she also forgot mealtimes. These are areas you might want to monitor for your mom.

Aricept is supposed to be a med for Alzheimers. I don’t know if it is still prescribed, and I don’t know if it would work for vascular dementia, or any other dementia. You really need a proper diagnosis, which might be hard to get. I’d recommend taking her to a geriatrician, if you can.

My mother did not have a proper diagnosis, except for dementia. She was put on Aricept, and later another med. I do not think either one greatly affected tge course of her dementia, and in retrospect, she was kept on those meds too long. But, also in retrospect, she probably had vascular dementia, not Alzheimers.

I want to wish you good luck as you deal with your mother.
My Father had Lewy Body dementia & was put on Aricept, it did seem to help for about a year or two. So yes, it is prescribed for other dementias.

Op, I agree with the post about calling her GP to voice your concerns, she does not need to be told you called it in.
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Old 03-16-2019, 08:46 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
10,329 posts, read 7,910,017 times
Reputation: 27666
All confusion is not dementia. The biggest reason you need to discuss this with her doctor is that it could be caused by something reversible such as medication side effects or cross-reactions between meds, an infection, or a hormone or electrolyte imbalance (you did say she has kidney disease). Obviously a thorough medical exam is needed to rule reversible things out.

If her confusion continues to worsen, the point will eventually come when she won’t be able to stay in independent living. You need to start planning now for how to best handle the transition to assisted living if that day does arrive.
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Old 03-17-2019, 07:18 AM
 
Location: In the house we finally own!
922 posts, read 783,389 times
Reputation: 4587
You should definitely let her doctor know, as well as the facility. Chances are others she interacts with have noticed her forgetfulness as well.

I understand not wanting to see her, because my mother was a narcissistic tyrant even before she developed dementia, and got even worse when she did. I stopped all contact with her, but I always made sure all of her needs, both medical and physical, were taken care of. The folks at assisted living and long term care facilities are trained to deal with problem patients and may be able to get through to her even when you can't. At least she seems to be happy where she is, so that is a blessing for both of you.

Good luck and please keep us posted.
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Old 03-17-2019, 07:51 AM
 
12,022 posts, read 11,499,493 times
Reputation: 11136
You should have a more direct talk with your mother and then see the doctor together.

She probably needs a 2- to 3-hour bed rest in the middle of the day to get in the deep sleep that she misses out on from tossing and turning during the night. We do it every afternoon, and there is absolutely none of the nighttime disturbance of the sleep.

mid-day sleep

We also give her a liquid vitamin B complex with folic acid as vitamin B12 deficiency doesn't always show up in blood tests.

The downside is that she has more energy at night and doesn't go to sleep till midnight.
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Old 03-17-2019, 08:07 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,989,915 times
Reputation: 50794
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
All confusion is not dementia. The biggest reason you need to discuss this with her doctor is that it could be caused by something reversible such as medication side effects or cross-reactions between meds, an infection, or a hormone or electrolyte imbalance (you did say she has kidney disease). Obviously a thorough medical exam is needed to rule reversible things out.

If her confusion continues to worsen, the point will eventually come when she won’t be able to stay in independent living. You need to start planning now for how to best handle the transition to assisted living if that day does arrive.
I agree with this. You need to know why she has these symptoms.

I also agree about trying to be proactive now.
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Old 03-17-2019, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,011,940 times
Reputation: 51112
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachdiver View Post
If it was me, I would definitely mention it to her GP. I'm sure he/she wouldn't tell your mom that the information came from you (you could ask that the doctor not say you told him just to be sure). You wouldn't be the first family member who's had to go behind mom or dad's back! Medicare has various things the doctors are supposed to screen for on a regular basis & memory/mental issues are one of them, so her doctor could check things out & just pass it off as a Medicare requirement. Then the GP could pass the info along to the psychiatrist & facility.

I think it's important that her doctors & the staff where she lives are aware if she has some issues. You didn't say if she manages her own medications or if someone keeps track of them & gives them to her, but that's another reason for the doctor to know what's going on. So many times people have memory issues & aren't able to take their medicines correctly. Good luck! It's not an easy job to keep an eye on our parents, we're always 'the kid' to them!
Excellent points.

Over the years I contacted several different doctors of my late husband and they all kept it a secret from him that I had contacted them. I normally would send a letter or email so my concerns were in writing and it would give the doctor a chance to think in advance how he/she would bring up the issues with him.

Good luck.
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