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I definitely get the frustration you feel at your siblings for not stepping up. Unfortunately it's very common. Take whatever support you can get, and know that you are doing the right thing. Sometimes it gets hard, but every once in a while someone will recognize the effort you are making and let you know that you are blessed for your big heart, and for all that you do.
For us, it helped a lot that my MIL was grateful for the things we did. She would often say "I don't know what I would do without you two" and we knew that it was true. It does make us sad to know that, having no children, there will probably be no one to do the same for us one day. We just have to try and plan better and be as self aware as possible before it gets too bad.
My dad does say the same thing to my husband and me. We SHOULD take care of them as they did us (my dad wasn't nurturing, but he cared for us financially, which was his way of showing love).
This happened in my family also where members of my grandmother's family wouldn't go visit her. I was told it was too depressing or they wanted to remember her the way she was. In my opinion that is selfish. With my grandfather I just had to humor him, deflect the question or outright lie. He kept asking me if I had a car when I visited him because he wanted me to take him out of there. I would have to tell him, I took the bus. My sister and I are the only ones who visited him when he was in the nursing home. Even my father (his son) wouldn't go see him but they had always had a very adversarial relationship.
Golden - it sounds like you are doing fine by your dad. As for the dog, would your dad even know if you took it to your house? The dog is probably lonely also and would rather be with a family. Are you allowed to bring the dog to visit with your dad?
Unfortunately, yes. We brought the dog here after his last fall, 10 days before Christmas. We brought my dad here for dinner Christmas Day and he threw a huge fit, threatening to hire a car and driver to come pick up his dog (not that he remembers our address), saying we had our own dogs to love and he NEEDED HIS DOG WITH HIM. Lesson learned, don't bring my dad to our house again the next time his dog needs to come stay with us. I have 3 dogs of my own, I don't want to take his dog because I'm greedy, I'd rather stick with just three, but his dog is a nice dog and we've cared for him from the time he was our foster puppy. We are attached to him and he's attached to us.
Unfortunately, yes. We brought the dog here after his last fall, 10 days before Christmas. We brought my dad here for dinner Christmas Day and he threw a huge fit, threatening to hire a car and driver to come pick up his dog (not that he remembers our address), saying we had our own dogs to love and he NEEDED HIS DOG WITH HIM. Lesson learned, don't bring my dad to our house again the next time his dog needs to come stay with us. I have 3 dogs of my own, I don't want to take his dog because I'm greedy, I'd rather stick with just three, but his dog is a nice dog and we've cared for him from the time he was our foster puppy. We are attached to him and he's attached to us.
One of the biggest 'hurdles' we had moving my MIL to memory care was that one of my dogs latched onto her when she moved in with us several years prior. She was adamant she wasn't going anywhere without him. As it turns out, she was angry enough about the whole thing (and far enough down the dementia road) that she never mentioned the dog again once there.
My poor mom was always an animal lover and always had and loved pets. So when we moved her to independent living, we tried to allow her to have a kitten for a pet. As time went on, my brother came up with a good name for the cat - the Sacrificial Cat. My mom simply became unable to care for this sweet little kitten as time went by. Thankfully I was able to find, not a home, but at least a no kill facility that was willing to take this sweet baby in. (I couldn't do it because I have a dog that hates cats and would have killed it, and my brothers couldn't do it either for other reasons that were valid.)
My mom acted mad about it - for about a minute. Then she never mentioned the cat again.
As the dementia progresses you have to learn to step into their reality, which is extremely difficult. Really the aim of any interaction is to keep them calm and in later stages it is likely that they will not remember anything you have said, or that they have said, at all. So when my mother would say she had just been to see her grandmother we would ask how she was.
We removed her phone when her rooms were changed and she never missed it. But we would later on find her having conversations with people long dead, using the television remote.
One piece of advice we received from a course at our local Dementia Association was that many elderly people with dementia respond to being told that the doctor must make their decisions. So when mum would ask when was she going to go home, the response would be that the doctor must still sign some papers. She would accept that quite well.
It is eighteen months since my mother died and although I sometimes miss the person she was before the dementia, I never miss the person she became. It was the most incredible relief when she passed away as she had never wanted to end up like that. But euthanasia, which would have been her preference, is not legal for dementia patients anywhere in my country.
I don't know how families afford placements... several I know are spending 10k a month with some even more with all the add-ons... like 25 per day for a single eye drop... over 9,000 annually...
The above is in the SF Bay Area for ambulatory residents that don't need help except reminders...
I don't know how families afford placements... several I know are spending 10k a month with some even more with all the add-ons... like 25 per day for a single eye drop... over 9,000 annually...
The above is in the SF Bay Area for ambulatory residents that don't need help except reminders...
Does your insurance partly cover it, or government?
I don't know how families afford placements... several I know are spending 10k a month with some even more with all the add-ons... like 25 per day for a single eye drop... over 9,000 annually...
The above is in the SF Bay Area for ambulatory residents that don't need help except reminders...
My dad's place costs around $3750/month which includes his apartment, his pet fee, his cleaning and laundry and his meals. He sometimes requires and extra cleaning, carpet cleaning or an extra load of laundry, so it usually runs closer to $3900/month. The petsitting is about $1600/month, the dog walkers walk the dog twice a day and scoop the litter box daily and do a complete litter change twice a month. Nurse Care (morning and lunchtime pills and help with showering twice a week) runs around $600/month. Before his last fall, he was walking up to the local steakhouse and having meals there a couple of times a week, before THAT when he was still living in his house, he was spending close to $3K/month just on eating out, someone to clean his house, landscapers, etc. Plus the random tools for his woodshop he never used. His house is paid for. He also gets Social Security and has made some good investments over the years that allow him to basically live off the interest.
I had an interesting conversation with one of my brothers last night. My two "bio" brothers want me to move ahead and get guardianship of my dad. They want to meet me at my dad's mountain house so we can clean it up/out and get it on the market in the spring (I agree). It's been sitting empty for a year now, though my husband has stayed there once when packing up the last of our house when it sold. We have neighbors who do a walk through regularly and report to us if they see anything of concern. I am worried that through neglect, the house is going to go downhill. I forgot to mention the exterminator, he's always had a mouse problem, especially in the garage where he had moved all of his kitchen items, including food, but wouldn't let us unpack them for him. The exterminator goes in every 3 months to rebait the traps.
Yes and yes dementia will confuse the person as to what their abilities are. My dad has been unable to walk for going in two years but every once in a while, more and more often he want to get up and go for a walk. So I play along for a while sometimes, try to help him up then when he can't I say maybe later. Then he soon forgets. It's better than arguing about it.
Wow, $1600 monthly in pet care. I would be making more a month just doing care for two people wanting that service in a month than what I am bringing home. A lot more enjoyable too, less stress and like animals better than people sometimes, even if it involves scooping litter. I assume it's billed through the assisted care place to be that much.
As for the cabin. Just take out personal stuff and anything you want to keep. A lot of vacation homes like that are sold with all the furniture, equipment, even kitchen stuff so you don't have to get rid of it all. Might even be preferable for new owners not to have to buy/bring all that stuff anyway.
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