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Old 02-13-2020, 07:58 AM
 
7,264 posts, read 4,184,734 times
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I would like to see if I could get some independent input for a situation that occurring with the elderly parent of a spouse. Not sure what to do if anything right now. They have 4 children.

Spouse's elderly parent is 84 and becoming more forgetful each time they are spoken with. Not major forgetfulness, but noticeably repeating the same thing in the conversation, telling the same thing from prior conversations like it is something new, things like that. They have stopped driving and have increasing medical issues. Currently living alone and is increasingly asking to visit children for extended stays since they feel the need for company.

This parent has been notoriously frugal all of their life, but has recently started to do things that are highly unusual for their character - sell a car for about half it's value, and offer to give a tidy sum to one of the children who is around them the most. This parent is not overly wealthy and would certainly need their savings for care in assisted living which may be needed in the future. The other children are concerned that she is acting unlike herself and might be being taken advantage of somewhat - even though it may not be intentional.

There is a general power of attorney that kicks in at some point - and I guess my question is: how do you know when the right time is to attempt to put it into action ? There is some growing concern that leaved unchecked - things might happen with finances that benefit one child more than the other.

My parent went through a similar situation and we waited until the very last minute to enact the POA - after which we learned they had done some things that were unusual for them financially.

Would it be prudent to broach the subject of enacting the POA now?

Last edited by illtaketwoplease; 02-13-2020 at 08:20 AM..
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:56 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,499,452 times
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If it is a general, durable POA it doesn't need a mitigating event to be used. Your SO can use it right now.

Someone needs to be monitoring the finances. Maybe your SO can go with a parent to the bank to "set up online banking" and then the SO could access the bank account online without even being added to the account. Just an idea. Just to monitor it.

The SO could also give the POA to the bank, with or without the knowledge of the parent, and see if it can be used by the bank and in what capacity.
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:46 AM
 
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Our state requires the POA to use prudence and transparency with the elder. All documentation to be retained. The courts can at anytime place an inquiry into the POA s activity on behalf of the elder. I say this as a person who is dealing quite similarly to the scenario you posted. My Uncle has daily intermittent delays in memory. Any financial decisions though are ledgered and shown to him. Each week a copy is also scan/filed to his elder law attorney. It protects the relative and the person's assets.
My uncle fairly says . Why let the govt or facility get my earned income when I can ease cousin Joe who may need that funding for his knee replacement. That to me is a gent that still understands how his funds are HIS to use for good. Guide with their wellbeing in mind. Elder abuse in financial matters are still open to investigation. There is a national help line to report it if a person suspects abuse . His bank basically made it clear that when the POA for financial was presented they also monitor it more diligently and are required to report transfers or large sum withdrawal.
On a side note ,much compassion for the family. It affects each differently in coping with the afflicted.
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:48 AM
 
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The one who is around her the most is likely doing things that she would have to pay someone else to do. Would she consider selling her home & moving to an assisted living community? Or moving in with one of her adult children? Or hiring part or full time help? What is her plan?

If the children are concerned, they & their Mother need get together and have a discussion about the plan & the division of labor & responsibilities.
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Old 02-13-2020, 11:06 AM
 
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Thank you for the replies. I guess the best thing to do is make the suggestion that everyone get together and talk. There are some family dynamics at play -- but hopefully they can be united moving forward.
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Old 02-13-2020, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
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The best plan is for the kids to be on the same page. Once you have everyone on the same page, then the four adult kids sit down with mom and explain that they feel she needs to let someone be POA.

Being the designated POA is a burden. It is no fun. But the kids need to agree who is the best person to do this chore. The OP is right that mom’s funds should be reserved for her use as she becomes less independent. There needs to be agreement among the kids about this.

Other duties can be divided up. The close kid can take care of things best done by someone close by. Another kid could pay the bills. Another could visit to handle special projects, such as making sure she is receiving any benefits she is qualified for.

Mom might actually welcome the help with paying her bills, and with other tasks she might be neglecting.

If she is lonely, she might benefit from living in an ALF where socializing would take place on a daily basis.

By your description, it seems that mom is in early stages of dementia. Do not expect this to stabilize. It will worsen.
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Old 02-20-2020, 01:43 PM
 
Location: ......SC
2,033 posts, read 1,672,439 times
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If I were you, I would start a daily journal of any incidents re; forgetfulness. I am currently living with my 94 yr old father, per his request after his wife passed. We know he is forgetting things, but sometimes writing things down can help, with keeping their PCP up to date and informed. Otherwise, there is NO way to be able to remember and recount these concerns to a Dr. Especially if there is a possibility that the person may need meds in the future for Alz or Dementia.
I have started my own journal, and only write things down, with date. It may or may not ever be read, but if his Dr requests more info, I can hand it to them. We did something similar when I worked in Assisted Living?nursing homes.
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