Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Legally your father is a adult and not a child so can choose to live unsafely until he is totally incompetent. I am a former social worker. Being older myself I agree with this.
I have known some people to do what you are thinking about. When the parent dies they are homeless and haven’t worked in years. I can’t believe that you would even consider giving up custody of your daughter. It’s a very bad idea.
See if you can get your Dad an assessment.
keep looking after your dd.
Get ready for a rough ride. Your father likely already has moderate dementia. He might have something else that would be treatable, but if the man won't go to see a doctor about it, it's irrelevant, since whatever it is isn't going to get treated.
Please realize that your primary obligation is to your child, not your parent. Do the best you can to support your brother who's there, who's gonna get stuck with the brunt of dealing with him. Maybe go there every other weekend to "visit" your father and give your brother a break. But do NOT give up one minute of your 50% time with your daughter, nor your job.
And yes, it's going to get a LOT worse before the end, since he is utterly, completely resistant to the idea that he could possibly be developing dementia.
This whole situation sucks. The reason why I posted on here was so that I can get a different perspective. I feel like I’m getting pressure from those around me to move back home, at the expense of my daughter and my job. Like it’s my duty. And in my head it’s a struggle. I cannot fathom giving up custody of my daughter.
Sorry you are in this situation. Ignore people pressuring you. When your dad becomes incompetent you will either be able to talk him into a home or have him declared incompetent in court. In the meantime there’s nothing you can do.
Sorry you are in this situation. Ignore people pressuring you. When your dad becomes incompetent you will either be able to talk him into a home or have him declared incompetent in court. In the meantime there’s nothing you can do.
Again, I agree. Your bro probably does want help, but you have your own family to think of. Have him contact a social worker.
Hey man,
I went through this with my dad. You are lucky that you have a brother in the area - I'm an only child, but fortunately my dad has decent assets to see him through to the end of his life.
Your daughter is the priority. You should NOT move. But you SHOULD back your brother up as much as possible financially and in putting him in charge as you possibly can. You should travel there for a visit to do the following: Get an evaluation by a neurologist for your dad. Then, if dementia is established is diagnosed as a problem, set up a meeting with an eldercare attorney. You should seek to have a will drawn up naming you and your brother as heirs, get a picture of your father's assets and comprehensive power of attorney and healthcare proxy. This will cost you a couple thousand, but it's worth it.
From there you need to meet with your brother to see how much he can commit to in terms of supervision. Your dad should NOT be driving if he has dementia, but he may be able to live on his own with outside support. Your brother may need to live with your dad at first, but there are dementia daycare centers. If your father served in the armed forces, there also may be services available to him. You should also schedule a meeting or call with a social worker in the area, who can give you a rundown of all the services available to the elderly.
I was lucky in that my father recognized he was failing for about one week. I had already established a relationship with an eldercare attorney in his area, so I had the guy go over with the paperwork and get it signed. Then I flew out to Jersey, packed up the relevant documents and all the clothes my father would need and brought him out to Colorado to live with me. It was SHEER hell. But I found a daycare and a respite care service that helped me out until I got him into an assisted living memorycare unit.
Some parents dig their heels in though, so you and your brother will both need to gently work on your father. Get that diagnosis, and then proceed from there. It might not even be dementia - my father had a thyroid issue that worsened his dementia from Alzheimer's. He improved greatly once he started taking the medication, but not enough to live on his own. Full physical. Then lawyer. Then social services. That order.
But please do NOT leave your little girl behind if it can be avoided at all. If you have to take on a second job to help out your brother, do it. But don't move away from your kid if you can help it. Your dad is an adult, and it sounds kind of harsh, but every adult needs to have a plan in place in case this happens to them. I'm 44 and I"m going to be seeing a lawyer soon about drawing up my will. With COVID, you can't be too careful.
I think the first concern should be your father’s safety.
Can you make occasional weekend trips and stay with your father? Monitor firsthand how much of a problem his memory issues are becoming in his day to day activities. Does he forget he left the stove on? Does he have smoke detectors in the house that are working. Is it hazardous for him for him to drive? Is he able to handle his financial affairs... does he forget to pay bills?
The bar is very low to be considered competent. If you go to court and know the date and President , etc you usually pass. A neurologist has the person draw a clock, set it for a certain time and other questions. They also do a physical assessment. If you can get your dad to sign power of attorney, etc things will be easier when the time comes. I would let him live independently as long as possible. Remember there’s worse things than not being safe. Once a person moves into a facility they go downhill fast from the lack of familiarity and depression. Even nice homes are warehouses of waiting to die. Ugh!
This whole situation sucks. The reason why I posted on here was so that I can get a different perspective. I feel like I’m getting pressure from those around me to move back home, at the expense of my daughter and my job. Like it’s my duty. And in my head it’s a struggle. I cannot fathom giving up custody of my daughter.
That is why I am shocked this is even a question. There is plenty you can do to help your father without sacrificing your own life and your child's life. Who ever is telling you to do this is either clueless or really nasty.
Dementia is common in old age and we find ways to deal with our parents who have it but I've never heard of anyone giving up custody of their own child to help a parent.
Legally your father is a adult and not a child so can choose to live unsafely until he is totally incompetent. I am a former social worker. Being older myself I agree with this.
Ok. I can respect that. And I agree. I talked to my father just now and he told me the incident that happened yesterday involving getting locked out. He told me since he goes on these six mile walks each morning, that the heat and the fact he didn’t eat anything made him forget about the which side he came out of.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
