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Why isn't she staying at her own house? Why isn't her husband (or their daughter or their son) her caregiver?
Cancer treatments can vary dramatically. My cancer was "tentatively" diagnosed the first week of January and officially diagnosed in late February. I immediately started chemotherapy and finished chemo in July and as pretty much "back to normal" fall of that year.
My late husband's cancer was diagnosed on a Tuesday and he had surgery the next day. He was on chemotherapy for at least six months and then needed more surgeries. He started his cancer journey the first week of May and was "back to normal" about twelve months later.
And, some people are even able to work full time (or almost fulltime) while having chemotherapy.
I can not imagine that many people living in a one bedroom apartment. Another thing to consider is that you probably only have one bathroom. It is not unusual for people having chemotherapy to have gastric complications, such a vomiting, diarrhea and constipation. Without being too graphic there were multiple times that I needed to be in the bathroom an hour or two (a couple of times even longer). That could be quite a problem if five people are sharing just one bathroom.
Good luck.
Great post! To add to this, doctors tell their chemo patients to NOT share a bathroom with anyone while on chemo. Listen to the doctor!
Great post! To add to this, doctors tell their chemo patients to NOT share a bathroom with anyone while on chemo. Listen to the doctor!
Bathroom and bed too.
The OP needs to wrap their mattress in a water proof mattress pad because if she sweats, it's going to put the chemo into the mattress. My hub ruined our mattress due to it. Even when my hub showered, I could smell the chemo in the shower drain.
If you have access to the money, move it all into your own account. ALL OF IT! This may be your last chance.
Tell your husband to tell his father to go rent a one bedroom apartment near the treatment center, if commuting to the treatment center is not possible, for them to live in during the treatment. Do NOT let your husband pay for it. This is one of the many reasons why, if you have access to the money, move it all beforehand into your own account. You can deal with any legal ramifications afterwards.
If FIL won't rent a place for his own family, then go rent yourself a place, and move out. Make sure to take the best car, and EVERY key to it, and everything of value that you want/need, including countertop applicances, linens, towels, dishes, etc. How DARE your husband do this to you! Then file for divorce and demand alimony pendente lite, and get it garnished from his income. You want to be acting from a position of power, not supplication. If he gets his family out of your apartment, on THEIR dime, not his/yours, consider reconciliation.
Her husband wants her to stay with us while she completes chemo treatment. He comes over with his daughter, so 5 people in a 1 bedroom for a full day.
I've been really struggling mentally. Anxiety attacks since she's come to us. Can barely eat, my mental functions have decreased, I'm in a constant state of bad anxiety as in stomach knots, chest pain, etc.
My husband says I'm selfish for wanting space when his mom is dying.
She's sleeping in our bedroom and watches TV all day in our living room.
I dread going home. They want me to be her caretaker but I don't want the responsibility if something bad happens to her under my care.
We're still waiting on the oncology team to report the results.
How can her living in a 1 bedroom with 2-4 other people be possibly healthy for her well being? She also doesn't want to go outside at all. Wouldn't an assisted facility be better?
Please give some advice.
go to the appointment with the oncology team and explain what her present living conditions are comprised of. They certainly wouldn't recommend that living arrangement for MIL, the caregivers, or anyone else!
I would think that in your husband's mind he feels he is caught between a rock and a hard place but he isn't mature enough to recognize that you are the priority in his life and it is his responsibility to ensure your life is a happy one, first, before all else.
At home no one has the expertise to possibly give proper care to a cancer patient in her advanced stage. She should be in palliative care vs assisted living or a nursing home and that is her husband's responsibility but he does not want to take any, obviously, or is too frail to accomplish it.
I have a feeling that you will have to consider moving out because your husband does not hear you. You may have to leave your husband to take care of his parents. It could be permanent or temporary but that is for you to gauge as time goes by.
Her husband wants her to stay with us while she completes chemo treatment. He comes over with his daughter, so 5 people in a 1 bedroom for a full day.
I've been really struggling mentally. Anxiety attacks since she's come to us. Can barely eat, my mental functions have decreased, I'm in a constant state of bad anxiety as in stomach knots, chest pain, etc.
My husband says I'm selfish for wanting space when his mom is dying.
She's sleeping in our bedroom and watches TV all day in our living room.
I dread going home. They want me to be her caretaker but I don't want the responsibility if something bad happens to her under my care.
We're still waiting on the oncology team to report the results.
How can her living in a 1 bedroom with 2-4 other people be possibly healthy for her well being? She also doesn't want to go outside at all. Wouldn't an assisted facility be better?
Please give some advice.
No no. You tell hubby he needs a caretaker he can hire one or he can become one. It’s not your job to be a care taker. Yes a assisted living will be better. But with COVID....and cancer.....and the costs....
Where is her home geographically to your home to the treatment place? Tell hubs that you can take the kids and move in moms home and he can stay there with his mom closer to the treatment place.
Great post! To add to this, doctors tell their chemo patients to NOT share a bathroom with anyone while on chemo. Listen to the doctor!
This right here. I went through chemo when I was 23 and living with roommates and 1 bathroom. I had to scrub down everything I touched in the bathroom after I used it. It wasn't ideal, but I had nowhere else to go and neither did my roommates. It's one thing if you have no other choice, but your MIL has a choice.
After chemo, I had to chuck my mattress, pillows, and bedding. The smell wouldn't come out. Had to chuck a lot of my clothes too. No amount of laundering got the smell out of some of the materials.
Why can't your MIL stay at her own house? If the hospital is too far away, do they offer hospitality housing for families nearby? I've volunteered for my own cancer center's patient housing as so many people travel from far away for treatment and can't afford a hotel.
Please don't let your husband or his family make you feel selfish or childish. There are real medical reasons why it is not a good idea for her to be at your house sharing a single bathroom with you. And even 2 people in a 1 bedroom can feel cramped, particularly with the pandemic.
I also wonder about covid restrictions. By living in very cramped conditions, you are all more at risk. Do either you or your husband work outside of the home? Frankly, I wouldn't even be comfortable visiting someone on chemo if I wasn't completely quarantining with my household.
If the OP continues with caring for her Mother-in-law, it's a certainty she'll be expected to care for her Father-in-law a few years down the road. And then for her Sister-in-law when her time comes. Best not to set a precedent.
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