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My mother had always been an avid reader and this happened to her.
I remember being shocked one day when I realized that she no longer knew how to sign her name on a card. Now keep in mind, she had remembered someone's birthday so she'd asked me to pick up a card but when I brought it to her to sign, she couldn't do it. My heart just broke.
She also couldn't read at that point.
I brought a lot of magazines which were full of photos of course, up to the memory care center. They went over fairly well but I think the staff liked them more than the residents did.
It’s odd to me that though my husband no longer will read on his Kindle he will peruse the newspaper for hours. He has started to clip articles that interest him and obituaries of people he knows. I told him today that I thought that was a great past time and that I would gladly help him start a scrap book. He didn’t comment either way so I’ll suggest it several more times. If he still doesn’t respond I’ll take it as a no and find a lidded box for him to keep his clippings in. It does my heart good to see him doing something that seems to bring him some joy.
I don't think you should be afraid of a good facility. Yes some aren't good. But some are. I dropped in on my mom this morning through her Echo Show. We were on for a few hours with the phone propped up in our house so both my husband and I could talk to her. Here is what we experienced.
I dropped in and the nurse was there giving her her meds and breakfast. The nurse said she needed to take her meds and would be back later to check on her, then left so we could talk. I talked her through some bed based exercises like leg pumps and arm exercises as she said she was having trouble getting up out of bed. She got up and opened her blinds. Then she laid back down. I reminded her she needs to take her meds so she got up and took her meds. She started her breakfast. I asked what she had. She said bacon, scrambled eggs, a lemon muffin, coffee and cranberry juice. I said Oh, wow! that sounds good. She said it was good. In the end she didn't eat much of it.
After about 45 min. an aid popped in to ask if she wanted to go to exercise class. I said she should if she had finished breakfast. She said no, we were talking and she hadn't finished breakfast. So after about an hour of encouraging her to eat she hadn't really eaten much yet. About half a muffin, not much eggs but some bacon I think.
In between encouraging the exercise and talking to her I aimed the phone out the window of the room she used to stay it to show her the view. When the dog came in I aimed the phone at him and she talked to him.
I propped the phone up on my kitchen counter so we could chat while I made my breakfast, showing her what was going on. She eventually got up and went to her chair. We kept the connection open while I ate and visited about people she knew that I knew.
After about an hour the occupational therapist came in and checked her blood pressure, pulse and oxygen. He reminded her of her exercises. Showed some of them to me. Had her do a few. Watched her walk to and from the bathroom with her walker. I suggested he take her for a long walk in the hallway since she had not gone to exercise class. He thought that was a good idea so they left and I hung up.
They will be bringing her lunch as the dining room was closed down this weekend due to a staff member getting covid. She is scheduled for an in person visit from my uncle this afternoon (first one since the beginning of covid). This evening they will handle the meds, her dinner and she is scheduled for a shower.
I very often hear the aids and nurses checking on her when I call. This is the first time I got a therapist so that was nice. They are always kindly in their interactions with her. This is a far cry from her first facility.
Yesterday and one day this past weekend she went do the common lounge for a movie. She said the whole group was chuckling together at Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang. The other movie I hadn't heard of but she said it was pretty good. The nice thing about the facility and staff is they are trained to work with people at this level. They have advised us on what type of clothes to get her. For example no pants with gathered jogger style legs (wide legs only). Short socks that are easy to get on and off.
Today was the longest visit we have had together on the Echo Show and it was mostly just me hauling the phone around through my morning routine with occasional conversation. We didn't talk the entire time. Mostly I just drop in in the morning to discuss her daily activity options and then in the evening to ask how her day went and if she had dinner. I know she appreciates my regularly checking on her.
It can take some patience to talk to her since she doesn't always make sense. But we don't really expect her to any more so just go with the flow. Interestingly enough she seems to know when she isn't making sense so she keeps trying and after many tries she says that probably doesn't make sense. For simple questions and answers with long pauses in between she does pretty good. It can vary from day to day so we just sort of measure the situation and go with it. I think she really perked up when she found out last week that she was allowed a visitor. They sent a letter to the rooms with the information from the govenor that visits were allowed. She told me about it the first day. Then the next day she was holding the letter and read it to me.
There is 100% no way that we could do all that they do. She has said that moving facilities and getting used to a new routine was hard. For this reason alone it may be better to place someone when they can still adjust to a new surrounding and routine. The staff also gets to know them when they are more themselves and this likely helps them have emphathy when they start to head down hill.
Even though I was not impressed with the staff at my mom's first facility there were some that were very dissapointed she was leaving as they enjoyed her company and the head nurse was almost in tears describing how much she had changed since getting Covid as it caused a big decrease in her ability to function. The head nurse was very good with my mom and very kindly. When we talked to her about some of the harsh ways some of the other staff spoke to us and the residents you could tell she was very disturbed by it but couldn't do anything about it. The executive director at the previous facility was very poor and was very likely barely able to hang on to any staff so they could act any way they wanted with no repercussions.
At this new facility everyone we have encountered has been fantastic. Also since they started her on speech therapy she has really rebounded in her ability to communicate. She has even started reading books and magazines again instead of always watching TV.
It seems like you made a great choice in facilities for your mom. Hopefully COVID will soon release it’s stranglehold on all of our lives. I truly believe if hubby had more contact with people he may have remained more in tune for a bit longer.
I do think that an ALF is a good option, it may actually be a much better option than the deadly boredom of staying at home with me day after day. He is totally resistant to the idea of even having in home help but I made it clear that not having some help is not an option.
I do have to get this move accomplished. I don’t think many people understand the huge project it will be to downsize when your spouse had many, many hobbies and pursued them relentlessly. He has a camper, numerous antique cars, trains, remote controlled airplanes. Antique tractors , trailers, the list just goes on and on. I feel so thankful that he seems to be very stoic about selling those things. He seems to be very much aware that he can no longer safely operate machinery.
It is so sad to see a man who had something going on every day and so many hobbies to not caring to do any of those things. We are a very good couple because I enjoy time alone and never expected him to hang out at home with me. He loved going to car meets and any get together involving antique cars. He is just an amazing and interesting man.
Thank you so very much for your moral support, it is so appreciated.
Holly, my heart goes out to you and everyone here who has experienced this as a caregiver. This is my fear, myself of getting Alzheimer’s or my husband.
My mother has had a stroke and multiple seizures so her memory is now impaired and she knows it. I learn to not correct her as I see her frustration in not being able to remember things.
The caregiver definitely needs to take care of themselves and nourish themselves as much as possible. I wish you well, Holly!
Thank you so much.
I never worried about Alzheimer’s because no one in our family ever had it but I can tell you it now scares the daylights out of me!
Thanks so much KA. I read your entire Adventures in caregiving thread. You certainly went through the wringer with your mom.
I am in agreement with not arguing. I feel he is confused enough without trying to change his reality.
This whole dementia/Alzheimer’s thing is heartbreakingly brutal.
Well, I feel for you reading through that thread - LOL.
It was difficult to go with the flow so to speak when my mom started saying, for instance, "See those woods out there? They are going to burn up. We're in danger. They've been saying this to us and posting warnings in the hallways." She would say this with a literal smile on her face - I honestly think my mom had a sort of pyrotechnic streak to her personality. She clearly was not AFRAID of a fire in the woods right behind the facility. She sort of relished the idea. So I just decided to go with it - but it wasn't easy because of course the logical part of me wanted to say "No, Mom, that's not going to happen. There are no warnings. We're not in any danger of fires. There's been plenty of rain." yada yada yada. Heck, I might have even said that a time or two before I realized "Wait a minute - she LIKES this idea. Let her have it!"
It’s odd to me that though my husband no longer will read on his Kindle he will peruse the newspaper for hours. He has started to clip articles that interest him and obituaries of people he knows. I told him today that I thought that was a great past time and that I would gladly help him start a scrap book. He didn’t comment either way so I’ll suggest it several more times. If he still doesn’t respond I’ll take it as a no and find a lidded box for him to keep his clippings in. It does my heart good to see him doing something that seems to bring him some joy.
I agree with your approach.
Keep in mind that as the disease progresses, his record keeping, his box, all that, will probably become less and less organized. He may for all we know one day try to EAT the box, or the clippings, or put them in his shoes, or whatever.
My mom had all sorts of family photos in nice frames in her room. Thankfully, after a BEAUTIFUL photo and frame of my dad just disappeared, I was able to retrieve most of the other framed photos. Later I found some of her frames, and some of her photos not in frames, in a common area where she often sat. She had opened an empty drawer and put them in there. It just made no sense. Oh and without exception, they were broken (the frames) or torn (the photos). It was bizarre.
I never did find that beautiful portrait of my dad, her husband, which probably would have brought her comfort at the end of her life, but honestly, who knows?
It seems like you made a great choice in facilities for your mom. Hopefully COVID will soon release it’s stranglehold on all of our lives. I truly believe if hubby had more contact with people he may have remained more in tune for a bit longer.
I do think that an ALF is a good option, it may actually be a much better option than the deadly boredom of staying at home with me day after day. He is totally resistant to the idea of even having in home help but I made it clear that not having some help is not an option.
I do have to get this move accomplished. I don’t think many people understand the huge project it will be to downsize when your spouse had many, many hobbies and pursued them relentlessly. He has a camper, numerous antique cars, trains, remote controlled airplanes. Antique tractors , trailers, the list just goes on and on. I feel so thankful that he seems to be very stoic about selling those things. He seems to be very much aware that he can no longer safely operate machinery.
It is so sad to see a man who had something going on every day and so many hobbies to not caring to do any of those things. We are a very good couple because I enjoy time alone and never expected him to hang out at home with me. He loved going to car meets and any get together involving antique cars. He is just an amazing and interesting man.
Thank you so very much for your moral support, it is so appreciated.
Here is a word of encouragement.
As you may know, my darling husband unexpectedly dropped dead of a massive heart attack last August. I need to downsize. I have found a house and am closing on it at the end of March.
Prior to my husband's passing, my parents died as you know, and my HUSBAND'S parents died too. So we had a lot of personal stuff to go through and get rid of.
Thankfully "man stuff" tends to sell well. I had no issues selling and giving away (mostly selling) the stuff my husband and my dad and HIS dad had collected over the decades.
As you may know, my darling husband unexpectedly dropped dead of a massive heart attack last August. I need to downsize. I have found a house and am closing on it at the end of March.
Prior to my husband's passing, my parents died as you know, and my HUSBAND'S parents died too. So we had a lot of personal stuff to go through and get rid of.
Thankfully "man stuff" tends to sell well. I had no issues selling and giving away (mostly selling) the stuff my husband and my dad and HIS dad had collected over the decades.
Oh KA, I feel gobsmacked. I loved hearing you tell of your dear husband and the wonderful caring man he was. I think maybe in the book forum I may have seen that but if I did I had forgotten. I am so very sorry. I know he meant the world to you.
My first dear husband died of a massive heart attack when he was 45 and I was 41. It was a total shock as he had no known heart issues. He had gone to bed several hours before me and when I went to bed he was lying cross ways on the bed. I asked him several times to scootch over with no reply. I thought he must have been really worn out from working around the house. When I took his shoulder to waken him I realized that he was unresponsive. He must have died shortly after he went to bed. The coroner ruled that it was a massive anterior heart attack and since nothing was knocked over, out of place, and he hadn’t called for help she said it was so massive that it was immediate. It was shocking. As sad as it was and totally unexpected I have to say it was easier to deal with than watching my husband dying a bit each day.
Oh KA, I feel gobsmacked. I loved hearing you tell of your dear husband and the wonderful caring man he was. I think maybe in the book forum I may have seen that but if I did I had forgotten. I am so very sorry. I know he meant the world to you.
My first dear husband died of a massive heart attack when he was 45 and I was 41. It was a total shock as he had no known heart issues. He had gone to bed several hours before me and when I went to bed he was lying cross ways on the bed. I asked him several times to scootch over with no reply. I thought he must have been really worn out from working around the house. When I took his shoulder to waken him I realized that he was unresponsive. He must have died shortly after he went to bed. The coroner ruled that it was a massive anterior heart attack and since nothing was knocked over, out of place, and he hadn’t called for help she said it was so massive that it was immediate. It was shocking. As sad as it was and totally unexpected I have to say it was easier to deal with than watching my husband dying a bit each day.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!
That's how my husband died too - suddenly, instantaneously. Once the shock wore off, I too was grateful and still am grateful that I didn't have to watch him get sick and slowly die.
My mom developed dementia in her early 80's In the nursing home she revealed to me that she was pregnant.
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