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Either my dad didn't know, or didn't understand, but the more active aunt was made the guardian of my grandmother, and has access to her money now. I found this out the day before Thanksgiving from my uncle.
He took back the money he was owed, and that was that.
Dad is going over there less and less - once or twice a week now. There is no change in her condition. She's physically stable/OK, but her mind is there more on some days, completely gone on others.
Grandfather has been on better behavior, so they let him come back to see her, and he sometimes drives over there for dinner, or to watch TV in the TV room. He's still living alone, but the daughters are basically do everything for him regarding groceries, taking him to doctor's appointments, cooking, etc.
I'm glad to hear that your aunt can legally help her now and that your grandfather has mellowed out.
I saw you mention in another thread that you did quit, have the month off. Enjoy it. You deserve having time off with how hard you've worked in the past without having holidays off.
You can go see your grandmother with your dad whenever you want.
A few months on, she's about the same, but he's deteriorated to the point that it's a crisis.
Over the past few months, his behavior has become more erratic and violent. Like I mentioned in a previous post, he has congestive heart failure, but doesn't take his medications regularly. He's also had what sounds like a balloon angioplasty, but according to my dad, grandfather's doctors have told him it could basically "blow out at any time" and kill him.
Grandfather has been getting in arguments, and sometimes it has gotten physical, in numerous places with numerous people.
A few weeks ago, on a weekend, he was told to leave where my grandmother is staying because he was yelling at the staff. An aunt took him to the general practitioner (whom he has been with for years) that Monday - the doctor told him there is no way he should be driving (license has been permanently revoked from all the DUIs), and that he shouldn't be staying alone. Grandfather cussed the doctor out and screamed at him. On either the Tuesday or Wednesday, he was complaining of his chest/breathing problems, and the same aunt took him to the hospital that afternoon. Dad went down there. Grandfather was admitted to the hospital for the congestive heart failure symptoms - dad went home. About 10 that night, grandfather called dad and wanted to go home - dad had taken Benadryl and went to bed, and wouldn't come get him.
The following morning, aunt called dad, and said grandfather ripped out his IVs and gotten into it with hospital security to the point the police were called. The hospital arranged for him to go to a nursing home. He stayed there a few days, but then shoved a staff member, and was told to leave. He was able to stay at the facility my grandmother is in for a few days, but then "got in a fight" (no idea how far it got) with my grandmother, and was sent back home. A few days after that, he was taken back to the general practitioner, was arguing with him again, then fell asleep in the chair while they were arguing. As far as I know, he's still at home.
Dad called APS in the county they live in to see what the options are. They were supposed to do a welfare check, but far as I know, nothing happened. Dad is leaning toward a mental institution - even if he goes into a nursing facility and behaves for awhile, it's just a matter of time until he has another blow-up and gets ejected.
He can barely get around on a walker. He's swelled up to almost 300 lbs., so the girls aren't able to help him take a shower or anything. He is to the point that he needs someone there with him nearly around the clock. Every doctor that has been informed of this situation also thinks he needs to be in a care facility, but he's too violent/combative, and gets ejected from everywhere he ends up. He's still driving. His guns were never removed from the home, so there's also that issue.
Dad and his sisters were going to go to an attorney last week to start the conservatorship process, but after dad talked to the sisters about the possibility of a mental institution, they lied, said they canceled the meeting, but had it anyway - they're cutting dad out of any of the decision-making. Dad told his sisters that if they wanted to cut him out of any decision-making, that they could handle whatever comes up.
A day or two after all this, grandfather was complaining of chest pains again at home, and an ambulance was called. The sisters wanted dad to rush down to the hospital immediately, but he wouldn't do it. The paramedics never took him to the hospital.
At this point, I see this ending in tragedy. Grandfather continues to drive while falling asleep randomly, not wearing glasses, not able to hear much of anything at all, etc. He needs to be in a care facility, but he's so violent and combative that he's been kicked out of every one he's been in within days. He's armed, and I wouldn't put it past him to pull a gun on a social worker if one showed up to the house. I see him either ending up in jail or a mental institution.
I worked for the local hospital system for years, and while they have a psychiatric facility dedicated to seniors, I reached out to some people I know there, and they aren't set up for basically permanent inpatient care of someone like this - the inpatient is more of a short-term, then get discharged to another facility type of thing. Unless his behavior is stabilized, he won't make it more than a week in a typical care home.
Grandfather lives in Virginia. The only other regional option is Southwestern Virginia Mental Health Institute in Marion, VA. This is about an hour and a half away from most of the family, and from what I can tell, his physical health seems to be too bad to be admitted there for any reasonable length of time. I did a bit more digging, and while they do offer inpatient services - again, it doesn't seem to be a "for the foreseeable future" type of thing.
The only other option is probably Western State Hospital in Staunton, VA. That's about four hours away. He's likely to bounce between a mental facility and a hospital.
Dad has washed his hands of it. He was clearly becoming exhausted with working, dealing with his parents, etc. He's looked better over the last week or so.
I hate to see this end in a tragedy or him to end up in a mental hospital for the rest of his life, but at this point, we are basically out of options.
It seems as though your father's sisters won't eve care if there is a tragedy involving a random civilian out there somewhere.
1. Driving with a revoked license due to DUI
2. Driving with sudden narcolepsy
3. Assaulting various health care professionals
4. Can't sustain living in a care facility of any kind due to violent outbursts and assaults
5. Keeps guns in the house
Yes, this is a tragedy waiting to happen and your father's sisters won't even take responsibility. That is yet another tragedy. What a nightmare.
I hope once your grandparents are dead and in the ground you and your father will have some peace. I agree 100% that your father should stay completely out of things from now on. Your aunts sound nightmarish.
A few months on, she's about the same, but he's deteriorated to the point that it's a crisis.
Over the past few months, his behavior has become more erratic and violent. Like I mentioned in a previous post, he has congestive heart failure, but doesn't take his medications regularly. He's also had what sounds like a balloon angioplasty, but according to my dad, grandfather's doctors have told him it could basically "blow out at any time" and kill him.
Grandfather has been getting in arguments, and sometimes it has gotten physical, in numerous places with numerous people.
A few weeks ago, on a weekend, he was told to leave where my grandmother is staying because he was yelling at the staff. An aunt took him to the general practitioner (whom he has been with for years) that Monday - the doctor told him there is no way he should be driving (license has been permanently revoked from all the DUIs), and that he shouldn't be staying alone. Grandfather cussed the doctor out and screamed at him. On either the Tuesday or Wednesday, he was complaining of his chest/breathing problems, and the same aunt took him to the hospital that afternoon. Dad went down there. Grandfather was admitted to the hospital for the congestive heart failure symptoms - dad went home. About 10 that night, grandfather called dad and wanted to go home - dad had taken Benadryl and went to bed, and wouldn't come get him.
The following morning, aunt called dad, and said grandfather ripped out his IVs and gotten into it with hospital security to the point the police were called. The hospital arranged for him to go to a nursing home. He stayed there a few days, but then shoved a staff member, and was told to leave. He was able to stay at the facility my grandmother is in for a few days, but then "got in a fight" (no idea how far it got) with my grandmother, and was sent back home. A few days after that, he was taken back to the general practitioner, was arguing with him again, then fell asleep in the chair while they were arguing. As far as I know, he's still at home.
Dad called APS in the county they live in to see what the options are. They were supposed to do a welfare check, but far as I know, nothing happened. Dad is leaning toward a mental institution - even if he goes into a nursing facility and behaves for awhile, it's just a matter of time until he has another blow-up and gets ejected.
He can barely get around on a walker. He's swelled up to almost 300 lbs., so the girls aren't able to help him take a shower or anything. He is to the point that he needs someone there with him nearly around the clock. Every doctor that has been informed of this situation also thinks he needs to be in a care facility, but he's too violent/combative, and gets ejected from everywhere he ends up. He's still driving. His guns were never removed from the home, so there's also that issue.
Dad and his sisters were going to go to an attorney last week to start the conservatorship process, but after dad talked to the sisters about the possibility of a mental institution, they lied, said they canceled the meeting, but had it anyway - they're cutting dad out of any of the decision-making. Dad told his sisters that if they wanted to cut him out of any decision-making, that they could handle whatever comes up.
A day or two after all this, grandfather was complaining of chest pains again at home, and an ambulance was called. The sisters wanted dad to rush down to the hospital immediately, but he wouldn't do it. The paramedics never took him to the hospital.
At this point, I see this ending in tragedy. Grandfather continues to drive while falling asleep randomly, not wearing glasses, not able to hear much of anything at all, etc. He needs to be in a care facility, but he's so violent and combative that he's been kicked out of every one he's been in within days. He's armed, and I wouldn't put it past him to pull a gun on a social worker if one showed up to the house. I see him either ending up in jail or a mental institution.
I worked for the local hospital system for years, and while they have a psychiatric facility dedicated to seniors, I reached out to some people I know there, and they aren't set up for basically permanent inpatient care of someone like this - the inpatient is more of a short-term, then get discharged to another facility type of thing. Unless his behavior is stabilized, he won't make it more than a week in a typical care home.
Grandfather lives in Virginia. The only other regional option is Southwestern Virginia Mental Health Institute in Marion, VA. This is about an hour and a half away from most of the family, and from what I can tell, his physical health seems to be too bad to be admitted there for any reasonable length of time. I did a bit more digging, and while they do offer inpatient services - again, it doesn't seem to be a "for the foreseeable future" type of thing.
The only other option is probably Western State Hospital in Staunton, VA. That's about four hours away. He's likely to bounce between a mental facility and a hospital.
Dad has washed his hands of it. He was clearly becoming exhausted with working, dealing with his parents, etc. He's looked better over the last week or so.
I hate to see this end in a tragedy or him to end up in a mental hospital for the rest of his life, but at this point, we are basically out of options.
Your grandfather likely needs to be on Seroquel or something similar to calm the combativeness. Until then, no Assisted Living Facility will be able to manage him. A geriatric psychiatric facility might be appropriate short term, but hard to see them providing long term care. That's not how they work any more.
Then there are his medical conditions to take into account.
Your Dad is wise to step back. He's done all he can.
This is likely to end in tragedy.
One question, is there any way to get his car impounded?
My question is why the aunts are insistent upon not taking appropriate action. They seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to take a risk that would end in tragedy for some random stranger or strangers.
It seems as though your father's sisters won't eve care if there is a tragedy involving a random civilian out there somewhere.
1. Driving with a revoked license due to DUI
2. Driving with sudden narcolepsy
3. Assaulting various health care professionals
4. Can't sustain living in a care facility of any kind due to violent outbursts and assaults
5. Keeps guns in the house
Yes, this is a tragedy waiting to happen and your father's sisters won't even take responsibility. That is yet another tragedy. What a nightmare.
I hope once your grandparents are dead and in the ground you and your father will have some peace. I agree 100% that your father should stay completely out of things from now on. Your aunts sound nightmarish.
He had a heart attack back in 2010 or 2011 when he was ~75, was going through DTs and detox while recovering from the heart attack, and has been sober since then. At the time, he was drinking about a bottle of bourbon a day, occasionally swapping that with some beer. It's a wonder he's made it this far.
People always blamed his behavior on drinking, and while that might have made him worse, he's just a nasty piece of work, sober or drunk. Until the last year or so, he seemed to have behaved better, but he didn't deny assaulting my grandmother over the summer before she was sent to the nursing home. She's had the dementia for at least several years, while he's just declined recently. Who knows what went on behind closed doors.
The DUIs are all decades in the past by now, but he's done at least one federal prison sentence for a major theft charge against the federal government back in the 1960s. He's been in and out of state prisons and county jails since then. I think he was last in jail in his 70s for a few months. He's always had a small business - he'd never be able to hold a regular job.
Dad said he has severe sleep apnea, which is probably contributing to the narcolepsy. I also have severe apnea, and would get sleepy before it was treated. I can't imagine dealing with this at nearly 90.
He probably does have some level of dementia and/or mental illness, which is likely making him even more volatile, but this is who he is.
One of the aunts wanted dad to help put up money for a month's stay in a nursing home. My parents don't have a lot of extra money. Even if they did put up money, could they even get their money back when he inevitably gets kicked out? The uncle who is overseas has millions - he can write a check.
I've told my parents do not put up any money for him. Do not do anything legally where they're responsible for him in any way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould
Your grandfather likely needs to be on Seroquel or something similar to calm the combativeness. Until then, no Assisted Living Facility will be able to manage him. A geriatric psychiatric facility might be appropriate short term, but hard to see them providing long term care. That's not how they work any more.
Then there are his medical conditions to take into account.
Your Dad is wise to step back. He's done all he can.
This is likely to end in tragedy.
One question, is there any way to get his car impounded?
That's where I think this is going - he's going to have to have some sort of medication that makes him more docile so he can be put somewhere. The medication is going to have to be administered forcibly - he's not going to stand for any of it.
The nearby psychiatric facilities are not set up for long-term, inpatient care. Unless he could be sent somewhere in Roanoke, Staunton is probably the nearest long-term facility like that.
They're in Virginia, and apparently, there are issues with VA residents ending up in TN/NC mental institutions.
My question is why the aunts are insistent upon not taking appropriate action. They seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to take a risk that would end in tragedy for some random stranger or strangers.
I have no clue.
His driving has been suspect for years. He's been pulled over multiple times for driving too slowly/erratically over the past few years. He's driven places, gotten lost, and been found by strangers. He's driven to certain places, like the nursing home, and thought he was at another place, like at my aunt's business, which is about thirty miles away from this nursing home. He has no clue what the hell is going on most of the time.
The police could charge him with driving on revoked. The guns could have been removed from the house.
The aunts refuse to face reality that he's a danger to himself and others. They refuse to face that my grandmother had dementia for years. Something might have been able to have been done years ago to slow the progression of the disease, or at least keep her safer.
Nothing gets done until it ends up in a horrible crisis.
The vehicle might be able to be impounded, but he'd likely try to buy another one in cash.
We did find out that the house is in her name, and her name exclusively. I have no idea why this was done, but my guess is he was in prison/jail when the house was bought. They probably found the house, he went to jail, but she had access to his money, and put it in her own name. I have no idea if it was intentional or not, but it does sound like something she'd have done.
A good guess is the next time he will go to the hospital, you can advocate for him not going home, and tell the social worker the things you are telling us, and involve Adult Protective Services.
I would also call Adult Protective Services and report what you are telling us and see what they do.
Late to the party but has hospice care been considered? With his CHF and noncompliance his days are probably numbered. Even if he refuses care they would be an extra set of eyes and documentation.
A good guess is the next time he will go to the hospital, you can advocate for him not going home, and tell the social worker the things you are telling us, and involve Adult Protective Services.
I would also call Adult Protective Services and report what you are telling us and see what they do.
That's already been done. APS has been contacted.
Maybe if he was in the hospital and there was some urgency attached, it would get looked at better. I don't know.
Keep in mind they live in a small, poor, rural county in the middle of nowhere of southwest Virginia. There's not the support that there would be somewhere like Richmond or northern VA.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rya700
Late to the party but has hospice care been considered? With his CHF and noncompliance his days are probably numbered. Even if he refuses care they would be an extra set of eyes and documentation.
I think he finally did shut up long enough to get treatment, so the imminent problem is resolved, but he'll be back in the same position soon if he won't take his CHF medications.
As long as he simply takes his meds, he could live for quite awhile. I'm not sure hospice is appropriate, and furthermore, he'd have to comply with it, or at least be medicated enough to make him more docile.
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