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TWIS... sorry about the tone of my earlier post, didn't have the full story. So very sorry for what you're going through and sincerely hope Blondie will turn around & get better. I've been where you are right now (sick cat & no vet access over a long weekend) and it was a nightmare. I'm praying for Blondie.
OMG, TWIS.....I am absolutely stunned right now.....you did what you could do. You were with her - and she knew that. She climbed in your bed - to be with you and smell your scent and be comforted. I'm sure she knew you were there, and that she was loved. I'm crying myself right now - I cannot comprehend how these things can happen so suddenly - I've lost one that quickly before too. Please, please promise me you're ok right this minute - oh, I am so sorry for you....:cr ying::cryi ng:
I just want to talk. I'm sorry if what I say seems weird, or dumb, I just want to talk because I don't understand and I'm in total disbelief right now. I do not get what the F! happened.
As I said, I had gone to get her, to feed her more. She was outside the doorway of the second bedroom, in the hallway, on her way to my room. She was lying on her side. I touched her, she cried as if in pain. I ****ing freaked. I put down the food and syringe, and gathered her up. She screamed as if she was in pain. WTF! HOW?!?!!?!?!!!?
I brought her to my room, laid her on the bed. I petted her, she cried as if in pain. She laid there, panting, drooling. Seriously?!!?!?! SERIOUSLY/!!?!?1?!?! SHE WAS FINE TWO ****ING DAYS AGO! I stopped petting her thinking I was causing her pain by touching her. She STILL CRIED. She would jerk up as if she was trying to bite off the pain, or get it and get it off of her. I petted her again because she was in pain no matter what I did. HOW?!? WHERE IS THE PAIN COMING FROM? HOW THE HELL IS SHE IN PAIN/!/!1 I DO NOT GET THIS!!!
I started bawling. I felt so helpless. She was on the bed next to me and I didn't know what to do. I ran to my neighbor's again, **** the rent, we are going to the E/R...IF she makes it. We will just be homeless after, whatever.!!! But the neighbor's husband had taken the car for work. Now I had no way of getting to the E/R at all. I could call a cab, but that would take forever to get here and I reallllly do NOT have money to do this. F!!!!!
I came back inside, and Blondie was almost convulsing. Crying pain, drooling...and then, she vomited. UGH! So I ran to the bathroom to get a towel, because my precious girl is NOT sitting in vomit! I cleaned the bedspread and her. I petted her, she cried, she looked at me....I will never, ever, ever, ever forget that look. She looked at me to help and there wasn't A GOD DAMN THING I COULD DO! I'm a ****ing failure!
She finally did one last jerk, and then her breathing was really shallow. Soon, it was almost nothing. Then...
She stopped breathing.
I actually scream/yelled. I don't do that, but I was so pissed and in disbelief. I screamed at no one, "HOW THE **** DID THIS HAPPEN!?!?!1!! WHAT THE **** JUST HAPPENED! THIS IS SUCH BULL****!"
I petted her some more, I cried, I said her name over and over. I called her Blondie snacks, her little pet name. I used to sing the song from Cracker Jacks to her but replaced it with Blondie. She was, caramel coated Blondie snacks. I would tell her that when you're really cute, they call you Blondie Snacks. That was her song. That was her name. She was caramel color and she was sweet. That became HER song that I would sing to her all the time.
My little Blondie Snacks is still on my bed. I don't want to accept this. I can't even believe this. This makes no ****ing sense at all. She's an indoor cat. She's fed very healthy food. She has tons of exercise and toys and friends to play with. She is spoiled. I love the **** out of her. What the **** happened?! SERIOUSLY WHAT THE **** HAPPENED!
I went to the neighbor, bawling, like an idiot but I didnt even care. It was pouring down rain, I didn't even care. I am soaking wet, I do not even care. I sat on wet steps, I did not care. I don't care about much of anything right now. I'm mad. I'm ****ing mad. There is NO REASON that my cat should have been taken from me like this.
WHY did her last moments have to be filled with pain? There was no evidence of pain before that. I felt her all over, her legs, head, feet, body, she never once told me there was pain. Not until the end did she tell me there was pain and it was bad pain. I have serious scratches on my hands and arms from her thrashing in pain and me touching her. I don't care about my scratches. They are from Blondie, I wish they would stay forever. I don't want them to heal, I want them there, for the rest of my life.
I kept asking my neighbor what happened, how the hell does this happen!? What is weird, is yesterday, when I found her in the cat furniture, I picked her up and carried her towards my room. Another cat of mine saw us and he stared directly at Blondie, his eyes wide, and his fur went up. He started to back off, as if in fear. Just that time, no other time. WTF!?!?!?! Did he see death coming for her?!
I'm pissed that I didn't have the money to fix my car to get her help. I'm pissed that I didn't have the money to get her to the vet or E/R. I'm pissed that every ****ing choice I have made in my life has inevitably led to this....Her dying because I suck at life. I suck at life so ****ing hard that my little Blondie is now dead. I should have had a savings. I should have taken on more work. I should have not taken the job I did that had me put almost 14,000 miles on my car in 5 months and broke my car. I should have chosen another job. I should have never spent a dime on anything but rent and top ramen so I could have had something set aside for the pets, just in case. I don't need anyone to tell me I suck, I know I suck.
I failed my little cat. There is no damn reason that she should be dead at 5 years old. NONE!!!!!!!!!!
But she is. And I could not save her. I totally failed my little cat. I don't even know what the hell happened. Two days ago, she was just as lively and funny as ever. Tonight, she is dead. HOW!!?!!?!?!
I have to bury her....I don't want to. I want her to be alive. She is supposed to be alive. I don't want to believe that she is not.
No, no, no. You gave her 5 years of love she might never have had. That's not failure. Her chances were slim if she'd been born out there in the Everglades. I know it must feel so awful not to know what happened, and to have felt so helpless when you could see she was so critically ill. But it sounds like by the time she was showing symptoms, it might have been too late to help her. She died knowing you were there for her, as she always did. I'm so very, very sorry.
I am just sick right now - and reading your last post was almost like watching it in my mind. I can only imagine how horrified and scared you and she must have been. Whatever happened to her - and you may never know what it was exactly - but I think your other cat sensed or smelled her sickness yesterday. Her death is NOT your fault - believe that because it is true. We all will leave when it is time - our pets as well as us people. The choices you have or have not made in your life DID NOT cause this to happen, as a matter of fact the choice that you did make to rescue her mama is the very reason that she had a life with you for five years - five years of love, and trust, and smiles and laughs, and comfort - that neither one of you would have known - and would not trade for anything. She moved with you and became a part of you - she will always be in your heart - and you know that. Cats are excellent in hiding illness until it is sometimes too late for us to do anything to help them. We get so used to being around them all the time that they kind of blend in with the background sometimes - and maybe don't pick up on signals - if there are any - until it is too late. What I hate the most is that she was in such pain - and that you had to witness that - and I know firsthand how bad that experience is. But I am glad she was with you, not alone or with strangers, if it had to be. So cry, cuss, get mad, get sad, do whatever it takes to keep your sanity - but please don't second guess yourself, or beat yourself up - cats don't need a lot of "stuff", but they do need exactly what you gave her - a home, love, food, care, and a family who will love and remember her always. She was rich that way. You saved her - and that is something good. You do not suck at life, or as a cat mom. You did not fail her. We will all have to go sometime, you know that. She was young but who knows what her background was - if she had something wrong that she had been born with and it was there all these years, you would never know. You have a heart, and you loved her, and she absolutely knew that. I am sending you the biggest hug you ever got, girlie. I am so very, very, sorry.......RIP, Miss Blondie Snacks.
There are no words that can ease your heart right now. But in a few days, or weeks, hopefully you can find some peace in this:
Beyond The Rainbow
As much as I loved the life we had and all the times we played,
I was so very tired and knew my time on earth would fade.
I saw a wondrous image then of a place that's trouble-free,
Where all of us can meet again to spend eternity.
I saw the most beautiful Rainbow, and on the other side
Were meadows rich and beautiful -- lush and green and wide!
And running through the meadows as far as the eye could see
Were animals of every sort as healthy as could be!
My own tired, failing body was fresh and healed and new
And I wanted to go run with them, but I had something left to do.
I needed to reach out to you, to tell you I'm alright
That this place is truly wonderful, then a bright Glow pierced the night.
'Twas the Glow of many Candles shining bright and strong and bold
And I knew then that it held your love in its brilliant shades of gold.
For although we may not be together in the way we used to be,
We are still connected by a cord no eye can ever see.
So whenever you need to find me, we're never far apart
If you look beyond the Rainbow and listen with your heart.
cg - 1995
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