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Karen, I am so sorry to hear about Eini! Continue to let all those emotions out but please know that all Eini needed was you there by his side which you were! Hugs to you!
Karen...I've been thinking about you and Eini throughout this whole week and it still makes me sad. You are grieving and it is necessary, and hard to do, but all those thoughts and feelings are valid and actually pretty normal. Even if you had noticed something was wrong sooner - it may not have changed anything....you have to just be secure in the fact that you loved him and he knew it. That will never change!!!
Don't be mad at his siblings - I'd bet anything that they DO notice he's missing. Be glad they haven't gone into a depression or just moped around the house for months like one of ours did when her little husband died....it changed her personality totally. Took her almost a year to come out of it - and she finally glommed onto one of his brothers. It made me sad to see her so disoriented - but nothing could soothe her. I think they understand more than we give them credit for!
Your heart will begin to slowly heal, and you'll not ever forget your Eini - he's forever imprinted in your soul. I'm just glad that you two had as much time together as you did - and that you have wonderful memories of him. He was certainly a handsome little guy!! Sending you another ((((HUG))))!!
So it's been a month since I've been back here, other than coming back for a few seconds to rep more people (that's just a tiny tiny "thank you" for your incredibly kind words). I can't come back to this thread without crying.
I've been thinking a lot about the contours of grief. After Eini died (God, it is so hard to write those words), I went from feeling totally numb to being incredibly angry at everyone and everything in the world -- not a good or healthy response, but probably not uncommon. Much of the anger is still there (although no one I interact with in person would see it, as I am good at hiding it), as I am still so, so furious about losing him so young, but the utter, devastating sadness is back in full force. I think it's because I have been working literally 70-80 hours a week for the past few weeks as I had to produce a huge production on campus so I was INCREDIBLY busy and could "shut off" my thoughts about Eini, but the production was this past weekend and now I have time to breathe -- and think. And I miss Eini more than I can say.
So many of you have gone through this, I know you understand what I am feeling. I keep telling myself that I felt this way after losing kitties years ago too and the utter sadness eventually passed, but it doesn't help much. I keep thinking about how fiercely Eini seemed to hold on to what he COULD do, even as he must have been incredibly puzzled as to why he could no longer do some things. When I sit in the TV room, I look over at an ottoman and immediately remember how, when he could no longer jump up on it, he "clawed" it until he was on top, then he walked through a small table (actually a nighstand) and up onto the sofa so he could reach me and wrap himself around my neck. That was his favorite "cuddling position" -- he would stay there for hours if I let him, but I usually couldn't be still for that long, so I would offer him a treat and he'd be OK with getting down! (I am sure many of you can relate to THAT too!) These are incredibly sweet memories, but I cannot stop crying as I write this, I just miss him so, so much.
I hope you and your beloved kitties are all doing well, and I thank you again for your sweet words. They DO help.
So it's been a month since I've been back here, other than coming back for a few seconds to rep more people (that's just a tiny tiny "thank you" for your incredibly kind words). I can't come back to this thread without crying.
I've been thinking a lot about the contours of grief. After Eini died (God, it is so hard to write those words), I went from feeling totally numb to being incredibly angry at everyone and everything in the world -- not a good or healthy response, but probably not uncommon. Much of the anger is still there (although no one I interact with in person would see it, as I am good at hiding it), as I am still so, so furious about losing him so young, but the utter, devastating sadness is back in full force. I think it's because I have been working literally 70-80 hours a week for the past few weeks as I had to produce a huge production on campus so I was INCREDIBLY busy and could "shut off" my thoughts about Eini, but the production was this past weekend and now I have time to breathe -- and think. And I miss Eini more than I can say.
So many of you have gone through this, I know you understand what I am feeling. I keep telling myself that I felt this way after losing kitties years ago too and the utter sadness eventually passed, but it doesn't help much. I keep thinking about how fiercely Eini seemed to hold on to what he COULD do, even as he must have been incredibly puzzled as to why he could no longer do some things. When I sit in the TV room, I look over at an ottoman and immediately remember how, when he could no longer jump up on it, he "clawed" it until he was on top, then he walked through a small table (actually a nighstand) and up onto the sofa so he could reach me and wrap himself around my neck. That was his favorite "cuddling position" -- he would stay there for hours if I let him, but I usually couldn't be still for that long, so I would offer him a treat and he'd be OK with getting down! (I am sure many of you can relate to THAT too!) These are incredibly sweet memories, but I cannot stop crying as I write this, I just miss him so, so much.
I hope you and your beloved kitties are all doing well, and I thank you again for your sweet words. They DO help.
As difficult as it is to write about Eini, it's good therapy for you, and part of the process of grieving. As much as I hate reading posts about someone losing their precious furkid, I understand the importance of 'group therapy', and this forum provides that. It's important that you be able to express what you're feeing to others who fully understand what you're going through, and that's what this forum does.
Time will heal, of course, but that's not much comfort now. So post when you feel the need. It's good for you.
I completely understand how you feel. I lost my beloved cat... would be 30 days ago this 10/29. Has it already been that long?
I found out that time does not heal all wounds. It is a lie. You can function better with your daily tasks, the crying is a little more controlled and less and feeling of optimism returns in bits and pieces. But it doesn't heal, it doesn't give you any resolution or closure. I had seen what grief can do to others who never talked about it or cried because they think "time will fix this". No, it engulfed them in anger, bitterness and depression. You have to talk about it or it will consume you.
There is a great chatroom I used, it's free. Google pet loss organization chatroom and you should find it, it's the only one out there.
It's common to want to give in the "what ifs" thoughts. My cat wasn't acting himself anymore on his last day. However, he was still responsive and eating his favorite treats. He still was able to climb to his favorite napping spot before we took him to the vet for the last time. It's hard not to think, "he can still do XYZ, is it too soon to give up?". Remind yourself that it isn't about what he can do now, but what he wasn't able to. Were there more bad days vs good days? Was there any quality of life left for HIM? For my cat, the answer is no. Although he was enjoying his treats, he wasn't sleeping because he enjoys his naps, but being awake, arthritic, nauseous, not able to move around the way he liked to, enjoying his meals, using his litterbox... it was time. He was at the early stage of dying when he was pts. Think back, compare your cat's before and after pictures. That helped me a lot, knowing that my Aiko, who has always been a diva in his own way, would not want to live like this anymore.
I hope that helps even a little. It will always feel like there is a hole in your life. I still miss my cat. I don't think I ever will stop missing him.
When you are ready, understand that nothing can replace your kitty, but don't let this experience prevent you from loving another life who could use a home. That, in my opinion, is the best way to honor a beloved's passing.
Karen, you DO need to find a way to release your emotions or it will consume you. Try to find an outlet that works for you--creating a memorial, making a scrapbook or memory book, donating to a charity, reading about grief, posting in forums. I took a couple of days off of work and spent time outdoors. (Nature is therapeutic for me.)
Hugs to you. Maybe Eini will someday "send" you to a shelter to adopt a new cat. I believe that's what our Tucker did for me. I have no idea why I went to the shelter that day, but we found our Ringo and he's been awesome.
Well, I told you it wasn't easy. But Eini is there with you -- now -- no doubt. His spirit is alive not the earthly body. None of us are really more than that, and though we think so, we are more spiritual than physical -- always. What you feel now is the TRUE you -- not the physical manifestation of you. I know this sounds nuts yet it is true if you think about it.
Ok, keep yourself busy and try to make a little rememberance to him as I think the more you surround with his toys, clothes he slept on, places he went -- will ALL help keep him alive and well til Rainbow Bridge. Just think, we grieve but what if Eini is doing far better -- minus all the anguish and pain he had here. I still believe there is no greater tribute to him than knowing he left his earthly body and so the suffering behind too.
Please keep writing as other folks have said, as it is therapy but more -- a credit that he impacted you so deeply. Both my parents have passed now, but I still grieve for seeing on here any animals passing as their innocence and lack of malice continues to impact me til this day -- many years later. Keep in touch as you need to, as we remain all here to talk with, as we need each other more than we know during these and other trying times.
I completely understand how you feel. I lost my beloved cat... would be 30 days ago this 10/29. Has it already been that long?
I found out that time does not heal all wounds. It is a lie. You can function better with your daily tasks, the crying is a little more controlled and less and feeling of optimism returns in bits and pieces. But it doesn't heal, it doesn't give you any resolution or closure. I had seen what grief can do to others who never talked about it or cried because they think "time will fix this". No, it engulfed them in anger, bitterness and depression. You have to talk about it or it will consume you.
There is a great chatroom I used, it's free. Google pet loss organization chatroom and you should find it, it's the only one out there.
It's common to want to give in the "what ifs" thoughts. My cat wasn't acting himself anymore on his last day. However, he was still responsive and eating his favorite treats. He still was able to climb to his favorite napping spot before we took him to the vet for the last time. It's hard not to think, "he can still do XYZ, is it too soon to give up?". Remind yourself that it isn't about what he can do now, but what he wasn't able to. Were there more bad days vs good days? Was there any quality of life left for HIM? For my cat, the answer is no. Although he was enjoying his treats, he wasn't sleeping because he enjoys his naps, but being awake, arthritic, nauseous, not able to move around the way he liked to, enjoying his meals, using his litterbox... it was time. He was at the early stage of dying when he was pts. Think back, compare your cat's before and after pictures. That helped me a lot, knowing that my Aiko, who has always been a diva in his own way, would not want to live like this anymore.
I hope that helps even a little. It will always feel like there is a hole in your life. I still miss my cat. I don't think I ever will stop missing him.
When you are ready, understand that nothing can replace your kitty, but don't let this experience prevent you from loving another life who could use a home. That, in my opinion, is the best way to honor a beloved's passing.
I have to disagree with that a little. I think it comes down to what is meant by 'heal'. When I think of 'healing' after the loss of a loved one (human or pet, and I've experienced both), I think in terms of that loss no longer being as debilitating as it was initially. Does the pain, sadness, and sense of loss ever go away completely.... of course not, nor should it. It will always be there to some degree, and is the price we pay as humans for loving someone with all our heart. For me, healing means that the loss I've experienced no longer saps all my emotional strength or clouds my thoughts to the point of depression, and I can remember that person or pet without that level of pain that makes me not want to remember them.
So it's been a month since I've been back here, other than coming back for a few seconds to rep more people (that's just a tiny tiny "thank you" for your incredibly kind words). I can't come back to this thread without crying.
I've been thinking a lot about the contours of grief. After Eini died (God, it is so hard to write those words), I went from feeling totally numb to being incredibly angry at everyone and everything in the world -- not a good or healthy response, but probably not uncommon. Much of the anger is still there (although no one I interact with in person would see it, as I am good at hiding it), as I am still so, so furious about losing him so young, but the utter, devastating sadness is back in full force. I think it's because I have been working literally 70-80 hours a week for the past few weeks as I had to produce a huge production on campus so I was INCREDIBLY busy and could "shut off" my thoughts about Eini, but the production was this past weekend and now I have time to breathe -- and think. And I miss Eini more than I can say.
So many of you have gone through this, I know you understand what I am feeling. I keep telling myself that I felt this way after losing kitties years ago too and the utter sadness eventually passed, but it doesn't help much. I keep thinking about how fiercely Eini seemed to hold on to what he COULD do, even as he must have been incredibly puzzled as to why he could no longer do some things. When I sit in the TV room, I look over at an ottoman and immediately remember how, when he could no longer jump up on it, he "clawed" it until he was on top, then he walked through a small table (actually a nighstand) and up onto the sofa so he could reach me and wrap himself around my neck. That was his favorite "cuddling position" -- he would stay there for hours if I let him, but I usually couldn't be still for that long, so I would offer him a treat and he'd be OK with getting down! (I am sure many of you can relate to THAT too!) These are incredibly sweet memories, but I cannot stop crying as I write this, I just miss him so, so much.
I hope you and your beloved kitties are all doing well, and I thank you again for your sweet words. They DO help.
I wish there was something I could do or say that will take your pain away. Don't worry about crying. Crying is actually therapeutic. And talking/writing also helps. Write away-and you don't necessarily have to do it here. You can write in a journal, or even send a friend an email, or someone here a PM. You can even send me a PM if you need to.
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the contours of grief ...
