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I have quite a bit of issues to talk about, and while the truth may hurt, I would appreciate your opinions as it seems like y'all give some great advice in this forum!
Okay, so I live with my bf. He's got an elderly cat who is about 16 or 17 years old. She is his life and he treats her better than pretty much every human--myself and his mother included! I'm fine with that, but she's sort of a one-person cat. She's not scared to the point that she runs from all visitors--I've had friends over and she's at least been cordial enough to come out to say hey to them when they're around, but she'll go about her business shortly after. It took her literally 3 1/2 years to get comfortable enough around me to come around me when my bf isn't in the house.
Around last May, we noticed an abandoned cat loitering the yard. We've always fed the outside cats...for some reason, they pick our neighborhood to live in. I think many other neighbors are feeding them too. Anyway, we figured this cat would leave after eating, but no...it would sleep under the deck, it would meow for either of us when we would get home, and then we eventually would go out at night and sit on the porch and pet him, play with him, and love him and he would do the same. He's a smaller cat and he's very anxious/nervous. With time, he would be comfortable enough to let us do these things with him...it didn't happen overnight, perhaps a few weeks. This cat always gravitated toward me and less toward my bf.
Out of nowhere, another cat started coming around in June. We thought it was a female cat who was in heat and pregnant because she had scratch marks all over and was quite bigger. This cat was way more sociable and didn't mind being played with from the beginning. However, I was scared to really do much with her because of her injuries.
After many unsuccessful attempts, I managed to catch both of them and took them to the vet...after being checked out and all that good stuff, it was determined they were both healthy boys We brought them in the house, where the "female" cat struggled to learn how to use the litter box, but after 2 weeks, that was taken care of.
My big issue is with the smaller cat. He very quickly stopped associating with me (it may be because of my personality....my bf is very much so introverted, subdued, and has a very pessimistic attitude about life--I'm not being offensive...he'll tell you these things himself, whereas I am more outgoing, bubbly, energetic, firecracker-ish, and much more optimistic and "naive" about life). The little cat started to pursue my bf, even though he didn't really deal much with him outside. He quickly turned into a one-person cat. I have spoiled the bigger boy to death, but he's so social, he will love on anyone and everyone. The smaller one is very insecure, runs away from new faces (it was awful during the holidays), and acts like a dog toward my bf now. When I come in from work, he's nowhere to be seen. He indicates he wants to be around people, but when I try to get close to him, he runs away just as quickly. Sometimes, he even will let me touch him and he'll be comfortable enough to play with me a little while. But when it's time for my bf to come in, he'll go to the door, will lie there until my bf unlocks the door, starts meowing like crazy, will be so happy to be around my bf that he runs radically around the house and will even trip my bf when he's trying to walk around/over/past him. But when I try to touch him or play with him when the bf is around, he runs away like he's never seen me before. It really gets on my nerves and I've tried so hard to get him to like me again!
I don't quite understand why the change occurred so fast and why I'm the bad guy all of a sudden. I admit that if we had children, I'd be the disciplinarian, but I'm not mean at all. I treat all the cats the same. I don't have the patience to wait 3 1/2 years for him to get comfortable around me like the other cat (the female cat can't stand either cat, by the way, and attacks both of them randomly at her own leisure--usually when we're going to bed or after my bf has come home from work). My bf will drop me over them in a minute without any hesitation. I've always been more of a dog person, but a dog is not going to be part of the equation anytime soon. What can I do to win the other cat over--not so much to make me his one person, but just to get equal treatment? I'm not a bad guy--I just don't understand why he got shady on me all of a sudden!
Sorry this post is so long, but I just wanted to be honest and straightforward. Thanks!
Whew! Quite frankly, I don't know where to begin to post to help you. I feel for you, for you are the one initially who cared for this cat, and now this same cat has turned around and more or less betrayed you.
This is what I have learned from my cats, for if we listen and watch, they can be some of our greatest teachers. Anyways, sometimes, cats will gravitate towards someone who needs their help. You mentioned that your boy friend is pessimistic and negative. Cats love to bust up negative energy, at least some do! This cat may be seeing something you don't energetically wise and is there to break up the "fog" and to bring the "light" in. From what I have observed, these cats who do this will not quit, and will become attached to that person until they succeed at what they set out to do. Or at least they will try until their last breath. Some humans can be extremely rigid in their thought patterns and dysfunctional patterns, refusing to allow change to come and staying stuck in the same dark hole they themselves dug. Cats, ever so loving and patient, will not give up, in hopes that their love will change that person for the better.
Some cats are here to teach someone lessons. I call these cats God's little angels, for they are so determined and so loyal regarding their mission, that they refuse to quit, and will not allow anyone or anything to get in their way. This may have been predetermined before the actual meeting between the cat and the human "subject", and the cat itself will probably not recognize his mission target until he or she gets that person's smell. Then something clicks, and this cat realizes this human needs help and that he is here to help teach this person. It is usually based in lessons regarding love.
Or, this cat and your boyfriend may have known each other in a previous lifetime. Again, upon meeting, the cat who has the "higher senses" normally, recognizes a former friend, and rejoices for finding that person again. And in so doing, becomes attached to the hip with that person.
These are only my thoughts. Maybe somewhere in my words you find some answers.
You can't force an animal to like you any more than you can force a person to like you. And some people have a natural ability with animals...the Dr. Dolittle type, where animals just gravitate towards them whether they are the caregivers or not. My guess, your BF maybe one of this type. And the cats maybe picking up on the fact, you may be trying to hard! Just chill around them...don't force them onto your lap, or go at them to pet them....sit on the floor and get some interactive toys and play. Many cats are 1 person cats...and many cats do NOT hang out with company...most will run and hide. I've got both...a few, and I personally think it is the breed, who run to the door when the bell rings, and they are hanging on every word the newcomer has to say. But, the others in the house...and the others are all Moggies...run for the hills and not come out until they hear the company leave.
We have two cats and a dog and here's my experience, FWIW. I think it's just a matter of temperament, both feline and human. Our male cat is a one person cat and I am his person. Like your cat, he's a former stray and has a rather skittish personality. He runs away from my husband and will go from purring to hissing in the blink of an eye when hubby pets him. (He has never hissed at me). I have a more laid-back personality than my husband, who is fond of the cats but does have a rather short fuse - for instance, he'll stomp around cursing in the morning when a button pops off his shirt or he can't find his keys. Cats, especially skittish cats, find this sort of behavior alarming.
Perhaps another part of the equation is that you're more of a dog person (so is my husband) and you may have a more aggressive approach than your BF does. You can never approach a cat - you have to wait for them to come to you. You can't make them like you.
We also had problems with inter-cat aggression when we got our little guy - the older cat, a female, chased him and attacked him relentlessly (he was just a kitten) and he came to see me as his protector. My mom said to me, "You give him courage." Our daughter has a personality similar to mine and has become the main "person" for our female cat. The female cat, however, is not shy and will accept attention from anyone. However, our male cat is not very nice to my daughter - he's not scared of her (he'll chill with her when I'm not home) but he does not like her petting him. Second to me, she's the one who feeds the cats most often, so you'd think there would be a certain level of trust there. I wonder if perhaps he associates her with the other cat and that's why he rejects her overtures. When my mom came to visit, he was great with her until she started paying attention to the female cat.
Cats are weird and wonderful creatures. I'd just give up on trying to make the cat your friend. He'll come to you in his own time - or not. In the meantime, concentrate on the other cats who do like you.
A lot of times, animals will gravitate away from one person, just because something in their appearance or mannerisms will remind them of a past or previous human to which their experience was less than happy.
My family adopted a beagle one tme, sweeet as can be, that turned lethal around me. After much diagnosis through the rescue agency that we got him from it was discovered that the long blonde (at the time) hair was the culprit. He was more skittish around females, and females with long pale hair were a trigger for him - triggering what exactly, we never knew, but abuse was our only viable suspect.
With that said... I know it's depressing winning a kitty over and not feeling that it's reciprocating. The alpha cat will most likely not get along with the 2 new strangers for awhile. It's a territorial thing. I wouldn't force the issue. There's not a lot you can do to make the little one love you, or even want to spend time with you. Cats are a great judge of character. He may just be clicking with your SO in a different way, or is more comfortable around females, or.. gosh, it could be anything. Do you wear citrus scents? You could be offending him without even realizing it in kitty world But you can't make an animal love you anymore than you can make a person love you. They have their reasons, and they have their ways.
You can google animal behavioral therapy for some insight into things you could to to work on being more open, and perhaps less intimidating towards the little one, if that's what is causing him to shy away from you.
Good for you for looking out for the strays outside, though!
Just another thought....may or may not pertain to you. I had a friend who would come over and ALL my cats would run within 2 minutes of her entering the door. It really bothered us...since the 3 Ragdolls have never known a stranger. She wanted so badly to pet them and cuddle and they wouldn't get within 5 ft of her. The 3 rd time she came over...it hit me.....Her perfume! She likes really heavy stuff and I have to admit, it was pretty cloying in enclosed rooms! I know her pretty well and suggested not wearing any perfume ( I wear perfume, but didn't really want to imply to her, hers was way too heavy) as just an experiment, the next time she came over. She wanted to try, so came over the next day, sans perfume...and the cat went right up to her! She sat down and had one on her lap within seconds. So scent can be a big factor. Just a thought.....
Do you smoke? I already mentioned wearing something citrusy, as a no-no.
If you want to have some fun, roll yourself in catnip, or buy the spray cat nip, and see if it makes a difference - also, animals read facial expressions hand in hand (or paw in paw, may the case be) along with the inflections in your voice. One of my cats was scared stiff of my older brother for the longest time. - it wasn't until he had shaved off and kissed-goodbye the "Moses" look he was growin' on his face that she completely changed her impression of him and comes runnin now
I think cats are predetermined as to WHO they are on earth to be companions to. Sometimes they know in advance where they belong, sometimes they don't know until they meet that person. They just exist until they find that human they are here for..
Other times they come to you so that you can help get them where they belong, to that one special human they are meant for and they know you will help them get there.
I had one that sat on my doorstep for 2 years, begging to belong to me. A neighbor found her on my doorstep as a kitten, crying loudly one day when I wasn't at home and took her home and kept her... But every time she would put the cat out, she came to my doorstep and cried to come in. The cat and I both knew we belonged to each other and it took us 2 years to convince that neighbor. We have lived together now for about 4 years and we are both as happy as can be. Samantha is my lap cat, follows me around the house like a puppy, sleeps with me every night, my constant companion... we are SO connected. We just adore each other.
I call them little angels in fur coats or fur angels.
Cats can be like that. One second they love you and the next they hate you. ONe of our shops cats is in a cycle where she just hates me at the moment. She thinks it's fun to come up from behind and attack my legs while I'm at my desk. Or she thinks it's fun to say hey PET ME PLEASE! And of course I'm a sucker for kitties. I'll pet her and a few pets later, she's attacking my hand. Yet, I've never done anything wrong to her. I'm the one that hauls in her food, litter, treats, toys etc and I'm being ignored by my teenager. It's just the way it is.
I think maybe it has to do with the fact i've got other cats at home and their scent bothers her. But the other shop cat and I are buddies and she hates him.
With cats? Who knows what goes on in their little mind.
Simple answer - cats go to where their bread is buttered. (food, water, change litter box)
As long as all things are equalled in play time, petting time.
Start feeding the cat twice a day, giving water, and changing litter. And a little fresh ham or chicken once in a while, and the cat will gravitate towards you.
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We brought them in the house, where the "female" cat struggled to learn how to use the litter box, but after 2 weeks, that was taken care of.
- also, animals read facial expressions hand in hand (or paw in paw, may the case be) along with the inflections in your voice. One of my cats was scared stiff of my older brother for the longest time. - it wasn't until he had shaved off and kissed-goodbye the "Moses" look he was growin' on his face that she completely changed her impression of him and comes runnin now 
