How to make friends in Chicago? (Havana, Philo: apartment, lease, find a job)

[Michael Scott]

Originally Posted by envieng

After years of trying to make friends and being rejected, is it not surprising that someone would get bitter and broken?

Serious suggestion, I'm not trying to be funny here: I would recommend you read Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins. Really changed my attitude on a lot of things in life. Yes, a lot of it seems kinda dumb at first, but if you keep an open mind and actually apply the techniques, you can change the way you think, and therefore how you feel and what you ultimately do. And this is coming from a college grad student who has little to no lifetime romantic success with females, so its not like I'm so ladies man/man's man who everyone loves.

[marothisu]

Communication works both ways, not just one way. If you want someone to "hang out" or whatever that might be, then ask them. I had a similar experience as you for my first 6-9 months here and it so happened that at my local hangout there was this guy who randomly hit on me, okay...fast forward a few weeks later and we were talking and he invited me to his friend's birthday dinner and said "No, I'm not inviting you as a date." I nearly didn't go, but I did and I'm ****ing glad I went. I not only had an amazing time, but the guy became a very good friend of mine who then introduced me to his other friends (including women). He is no longer in Chicago, but the people I met through him became my good friends here and through that I have met many others.

You need to put down your inhibitions and just "go for it." Don't ask them to hang out, but just ask them to go to something instead (maybe there's a cool event at a bar, etc). The other thing is that I found out age does not matter for as long as you agree with those people. My friend I was talking about above was a good 15 years older than me and the friends I have now on average are like 10 years older than me. However, I NEVER think of their age because they seem like they are my age (but are still mature). A guy started at my work a little bit ago and he's 15 years older than me, but he's cool as hell and we go out and drink/party too. Age is just a number, and if you think someone older is cool you want to hang out with, then just do it.

I know what you're going through and it can be tough, but you can't expect to wait to have people ask you only to "do stuff." If you think someone is cool, then have something in mind and ask them to do that. I am a straight guy with a number of gay friends and yes, sure...if you don't "phrase" it properly then they may think otherwise, but you can easily do that right. There are tons of street festivals/art fairs in Chicago in the summer. Ask someone of them to meet up for you for one. I would also suggest joining a meetup group for people with similar interests as you.

Honestly, most places you go in the US are going to be like this (save a few) if you aren't proactive about it either. It's kind of like a guy waiting around for a woman to hit on him in the US. Will it happen? Sometimes. Often? Not at all...the people you think are cool might also think the same thing as you. Gay guys can usually tell if another guy is gay too, and maybe they haven't asked you because they think it'll come off as them asking you for a date when they know you're straight.

[Chicago_Josh]

Ok envieng

You drink at all? I enjoy beer. A couple or three an outing works here

If you want to hang out sometime direct message me. Have a beer or two and talk work/career/life/investing/sports. Find some bar somewhere

I am, well we are, shopping for a new home. So that would be something on my mind. I think I've bored most of my friends about that endeavor

I am married but would attend alone leaving my wife home. I have a college degree and am a normal enough guy in his mid 30's

So it wouldn't entail skirt chasing etc..

See that isn't too hard. Though a touch weird I guess. Lol

[nj21]

Originally Posted by probablyimnotsure

You have to be extremely attractive

No offense, but this might be right. I've been in Chicago since yesterday (currently staying at an Extended Stay) and I've had quite a few people walk up to me and introduce themselves..

Does this mean I'm extremely attractive...? Maybe..?

[Chicagoist123]

Originally Posted by nj21

No offense, but this might be right. I've been in Chicago since yesterday (currently staying at an Extended Stay) and I've had quite a few people walk up to me and introduce themselves..

Does this mean I'm extremely attractive...? Maybe..?

It's true though.

[Just1Fan]

Originally Posted by envieng

... living in Lakeview for 9 months now, and haven't made a single friend.

Relax, youngster - it's only been 9 months. I mean, other than work time and chill time, you probably haven't even explored much of the city (especially during winter months). Now that the weather is about to break, all you have to do is get out there and go for it. Try this...

Spend more time around people
Join an organization or club with people of common interests
Join a sports team
Volunteer
Talk to people
Make eye contact and smile
Start a conversation
Make small talk
Introduce yourself at the end of the conversation
Initiate a get-together
Go to church
Ask someone out for lunch or coffee
Don't do anything to pressure someone into being friends with you
Be reliable
Be a good listener
Be trustworthy
Put emphasis on the good, unique qualities about yourself
Be confident
Keep in contact

Meeting new friends can be fun. Enjoy the city - you'll be fine.

[ptug101]

Chicago is a little tuffer to make friends because its not as much of a transplant city like NY.
along with the join a class or team suggesting. I would try moving into a house with people your own age.
I would also try and find a job that has alot of people your own age.

[marothisu]

The sports team thing too, if you do play any sports, there's a lot of intramurals out there. I have some friends/coworkers who do it and sometimes they get people on their teams they don't know but end up being friends after a little bit.

[emathias]

Originally Posted by envieng

Total bull****. Considering almost everyone in public is wearing headphones or a mean mug, I have no idea where the idea that people are friendly here comes from.

Originally Posted by envieng

Is it unrealistic to expect for once in my life for someone to try to be my friend? to ask for my phone number? It's so hard to feel good about yourself when people judge you when it becomes obvious you have no friends.

Originally Posted by envieng

In all honesty, I do my absolute best to go out with a smile, hold doors for people, have good manners, etc... After almost a year of not even an acknowledgement of existence when I smile at someone, it gets old. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity.

I moved here the first time in 1995. I was living with other college students from my school for the first half of the year, although we didn't have a lot in common. In the second half of the time I found a room for rent from a total stranger who was a 40-something man, recently divorced. I had an internship where everyone in my department was either over 10 years older than me or married with kids or both. And yet I managed to make some friends there. I also made friends with people I noticed had the same commute with me. In 1996 I had to finish school, and then I had to spend three years in Minneapolis at the corporate headquarters of the company I had an internship with, but the whole time I intended to transfer back to Chicago exactly because it was the friendliest city I'd ever been in, and I found it much easier to find and make friends in Chicago than anywhere else I'd ever been.

I'm no longer in "friend acquisition mode" but I still end up making friends. Hell, I *accidentally* make friends here just because I do talk to people, I am friendly, I'm not bitter, and I have no expectations. It's actually kind of funny to me, because I'm actually a bit of a loner - I enjoy people but I really, truly can be happy with no friends.

Originally Posted by envieng

Sorry for wasting your time. It's become obvious that the 'Chicago is so friendly', 'it's so easy to make friends!' propaganda is hogwash.

And I thought being an adult, I would stop being bullied.

I've read this entire thread, and nothing anyone has said to you constitutes bullying. You need to stop being defensive and accept advice - even (perhaps especially) if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I'm really, truly sorry that you're having a hard time in Chicago because I have personally found it to be a life-savingly (and I mean that in a literal sense) friendly place. At the same time, people are giving you sound advice but you're shrugging it off. People want friends who are open to suggestions - your attitude as expressed on here doesn't exactly broadcast "open to new ideas." While some people have different online and in-person personas, most people don't.

Originally Posted by envieng

After years of trying to make friends and being rejected, is it not surprising that someone would get bitter and broken?

Rather than becoming bitter and broken, change your approach. If you choose to become bitter before you change your approach, then you are choosing to be bitter, which in this context means you are choosing to be friendless rather than change your approach and experience personal growth.

Originally Posted by nj21

No offense, but this might be right. I've been in Chicago since yesterday (currently staying at an Extended Stay) and I've had quite a few people walk up to me and introduce themselves..

Does this mean I'm extremely attractive...? Maybe..?

I'm not hurt-your-eyes ugly, but I'm hardly on anyone's list of sexiest men alive and I do more than ok.

[andrew61]

Originally Posted by envieng

After years of trying to make friends and being rejected, is it not surprising that someone would get bitter and broken?

Years? I thought you said you'd been here nine months.

You might check out the "Activity Partners" and "Strictly Platonic" sections on craigslist.

Also remember that it's a numbers game. If someone doesn't seem interested in being your friend, don't let the rejection get to you and keep looking.

Oh, and being 24 and living in Lakeview, get a dog, preferably a pedigree, and take it out for walks. From what I've observed, you'll make plenty of female friends.