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Old 10-16-2010, 06:40 PM
1 posts, read 2,041 times
Reputation: 13


To all women of faith looking for that perfect man, please read and consider the mistake of my life.

It is long and I used a box of tissues through my ordeal of writing it but I'm sure some strand of moral can somehow be gently pulled from it.

I was 37

I was walking out of a MiniMart just after church and still in my Sunday best, a nice blouse, heels and a skirt cut just above the knee. As I was walking back to my vehicle at the gas pump I took notice of an absolutely gorgeous man sitting on his bike beside the pump next to me. Brad Pitt looking only better if you could possibly in some huge stretch rap your mind around that! As I was unlocking my door I could see his reflection in my window trying to subtly checking me out behind my back. With that, I took a deep breath and turned around with a smile. I didn't know what I was going to say, it was so NOT like me, but before I could get any words out he laughed and embarrassingly said... you caught me! For some magical reason, in that instance, I never felt so confident nor had a person made me feel so instantly comfortable in my life! I can only explain it as God's strength working through me! I basically demanded we have coffee and that he should follow me!

We had our coffee and the conversation flowed like a raging river. We saw each other again the next day, a Friday night. The entire night was like a runaway train for me with slow dancing, flirting and kissing. The guy was quite playfully aggressive and embarrassingly forward. Always respectful but just ummm...forward...confidently forward. Every previous myth about love at first sight, fairy tale love, trembling knees and cloud 9 was dashed away in a poof. I never did believe any of that and honestly never experienced it ever, until know. I was losing control and that scared me.

I was 37, he was 36.

I don't know what I was thinking, my mind was pulling in all directions so I laid the ground rules of no sex before marriage but quickly recanted, for you, maybe six months which I though was reasonable. I was preparing myself for this player to distance himself but surprising he thought it was a good idea!

I could go on and on about how perfect he was but will sum it up in a paragraph. The guy was my narcotic. He could kiss so tenderly and wantingly. His hands always found the right spots often wondering around my breasts and down beneath my waist. He never did touch my o-hum though. I respected that. He had a great deal of friends and obviously was loved and respected by many people. I mean we'd be walking, or walk into a tavern and people would just randomly scream his name out? He ticked like a Timex. Always on time, to the minute! Always called, always honest, responsible with money, loved his job, hard worker, could fix anything, could dance, held doors, helped me with my coat, and quickly became a best friend to my niece (I babysat her sometimes). He'd sport a blond wig and would talk in the cutest queen Elizabeth accent to her. Looking back, I was never truly and honestly happy until that point and he rubbed off. Coworkers noticed a difference in me and people in general wanted to be around me.

All that being said, he wasn't all perfect. He had three vices I found hard to live with.

He didn't attend church nor wanted to. I didn't push this to hard and came to accept that. He'd sleep till nine then would find some project to do around the house on Sunday mornings. After church, a group of us would always go out to eat and he always made sure to show up for that (More on that later). He had an old family bible he kept beside his bed in a small wooded chest. He never read it though, at least to my knowledge. I'd occasionally recall small bible stories to test him and he had no idea what I was talking about. So I believed him. I think in some way he just found comfort in its presence maybe, or it's connection to family long past?

Second, he dipped tobacco. I never cared for it and expressed my concern a few times but found it in my heart to let it slide. At my age, and lessons learned, it was time to end being picky. He'd mostly dip at work and in his truck. He always had extremely white teeth though and brushed first thing when he came home.

Third and the big one, he was an alcoholic! This guy could go through the booze! Now some people when they get drunk get angry, obnoxious or do stupid things. Not him. I always knew he had too much because he would get real quite and sleepy. I guess you could say he found comfort in drinking himself to sleep or unconsciousness! That in itself was a concern for me but I saw myself giving him the benefit of the doubt if that was all it was. Again, I kept on thinking don't be picky! But that wasn't it and he would often drive home drunk. For all the understanding and compromising man he was with me, each time I directly confronted him with this, and sometimes with outright screaming by me, he'd just mumble and go do something else, go to bed or give me the silent treatment. He never did once raise his voice to me but I just couldn't understand this!!! And maybe it wasn't even the drinking and driving part but the total disrespect for my concerns about this. For some perspective, all he had to drive was rural road back to his home but at the time, there was no difference with me. Drunk driving was drunk driving. I just couldn't see him hurting someone, especially if we were married and had kids! I still think I was right, maybe? I wanted children so very bad and this snag and especially the fact that is was the “only” snag enraged me to no end. Why couldn't he just friggen change! The clouds would part and the angels would sing.

One Sunday out of the blue he woke up early and couldn't go back to bed (We were sleeping together but weren't being intimate). He went to his closet and picked out a button down shirt to my wonderment. I asked him what he was planning on doing and he said I think I'm going to church . Whaaa??? He was suicidely bored sitting in the pew with me but he held my hand and occasionally sung “a word” to a song here and there. He wouldn't go every Sunday but twice a month he would be there with me if he didn't have a hard work week.

Then a few weeks later I was riding in his truck and I noticed his usual spit bottle wasn't there because I always hid it under the seat so I didn't have to look at it. Then I looked in his consul for any old snuff cans and it was empty. Hmmmm??? That's unusual. When he got in after pumping gas, I asked him if he ran out of snuff? To my amazement he said he decided to quite awhile back. Whaaa??? He never dipped around me so I would have never have known and he still brushed his teeth every time he came home. Of course none of this added up at the time! He just said he was trying to save a little money. I couldn't connect any of this since he made very good money and snuff cost but a buck or two a can and lasted for days. Of course I let the thought soon slip. I knew very well by now I wasn't dating a full puzzle of a man and the “keeping me on my toes” about him interested me a great deal.

At this point we've been together for five months. He was changing but I wasn't sure how. Just that something was happening and I couldn't put my finger on it. Of course it is ALL SO VERY VERY CLEAR NOW!!! How could I be so stupid stupid stupid!!! The mistake of my life!!! I just feel like anything from this point on is utterly hopeless...

So I began to realized he may be drinking less but honestly attributed this to his increased hours at work and simply not having time to go. Or just being so tired. He'd still get sloshed at least three nights a week at some point but he changed his liking to exclusively beer. Usually he kept the whiskey stocked well. And like a broken record, the big picture still not registering. For many days, it was like I was living a perfect fairy tail only to be totally ruined in the last five minutes when the prince dies.

Again, my mind was just one huge short circuit...I just didn't know anything or what to think. How could I love someone so very very much yet be driven so intensely away? What do I do God? Please answer me. I beg, please please answer me, please, just this once, please. He was out getting sloshed one work night and I paced around in the shower for an hour or more, I made the decision tonight was the night! It had to end! My heart, my soul and everything about me urged me not to do it but I stiffened my lip and listened to my fragile reason. Well he came home and I let him watch tv for a little bit before I stood in the doorway and confronted him. “It is either me or that damn beer bottle. This ain't no joke. Right here, right now. I have everything of mine in this house packed. Your decision. Right now.”

An image that is burned into my mind. With that, he never even flinched keeping his plain emotionless gaze upon me while he finished the beer he had then reached beside the couch and popped another one. As I cussed him out he simply closed his eyes, full beer bottle about half spilling in his lap. Arguing was useless so I went to the kitchen and wrote a long angry note about everything I felt, what I thought of him, how I never wanted to see him, talk to him, him call me, how I ceased to even know him, all rapped in a soup of cussing and unworldly hate!

And I left.

I just left.

He looked so helpless and innocent sleeping there. I stared at him a little bit and then I covered him with an afghan. I wondered if I really wanted to do this but I slowly creaked that screen door open and left.

I wanted to walk back in that house so very very bad but I left. Like that. I just left.

On the road back to my apartment I wondered what I had done but I told myself stay strong! Be strong now! Everything is going to be ok. It is just tough love and he needs this right now.

The next day all I could think about was please call, please, please, call. I'll make up with you like that and we can talk this out. But the phone was silent that day. Well maybe he is waiting for me to cool off...that's it. He'll call. The week passed and then the weekend came and went. I thought for sure he'd call the weekend but silence.

The weeks inched along after that but wounds were healing. Of course I'd still see his truck parked at the bar on any given night so I at least found some pathetic comfort in that. Then months later I drove past the bar coming home from work and suddenly realized I hadn't seen his truck parked there all week. Whaaa...weird? Only one bar for twenty miles around, I'm sure he's not going anywhere else. That week turned into weeks and then months of no truck at the bar.

I was out at our usual church lunch one Sunday when a good friend...a best friend pulled me aside. It took her quite the time to form the words but finally came out that she was see him. I mean him, my old love. At first I thought she was sleeping with him behind my back but that was quickly put to rest.

“We all knew you found quite the man and when we heard you two split it was me, understand it was me that went to that bar and picked him up myself. I want you to know that. He didn't even want to see me but over the weeks we talked and it just happened. He always talked very highly of you with never a bad word. You should know that. He said he just couldn't conquer his demons in time for you. I know we've been friends since grade school and if this ends it, I'd understand. But he's a good man, one in a million, and some people live among millions and never find the one. And a small town like this? This chance is never going to happen again for me. Please understand. We're together now and ...I hope you respect that. He doesn't drink anymore and hasn't for some time. He wanted to be a good father and didn't know exactly how to do that but knew it didn't involve alcohol...if that helps? He's all clean now. I don't know what else to say but crazy women do crazy things and I'm crazy.”

Quite the length to remember but not so hard when every word, every letter is branded into your soul.

You ever have the wind pulled from your lungs while standing completely still?

No, those words do absolutely no justice! Ever have everything that you are, every ambition, every thought, ever thread of spirit, love, faith, and just your very being ripped and torn from your heart and body?

I wasn't mad at her, not at all. She was a free woman and he was a free man. Small town and he was the best man in the town. I rolled it over many nights in my head and it was just a circumstance of the situation. She is my age, always dreamed of children and I reluctantly would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed. I've come to terms with that.

What I have yet to come to terms with is the being stupid. Hopelessly, rock bottom, smoking in the dark stupid. The going to church, the quitting the tobacco, the change to beer...I can't help but wonder daily, hourly, minute by minute, sometimes second to second if I just would have held out a couple more months even weeks if things would have been different. I don't wonder, I know!

The guy loved me and he loved me to such the extent that he was slaying his demons one by one for me. I know him and it must have been an impossible mountain for him. And just as he was about to deliver the death blow to his final and biggest one, I walked. I didn't know then and will regret it forever and ever. The guy is completely and forever perfect now. No drinking, no driving, no nothing, that page in his life has turned, forgotten and burned.

What once was lost has now been found. I'm happy for him.

I have long since changed to another church. I went back once but seeing their now “family” of two twin boys became to much for me. I didn't even leave my car in the parking lot when I saw them walk in. Seeing them two together, there is just no faking it, they are one forever.

As for me, I'm going through an early “the change.” Yeah for me.

What lesson can be learned from this? That men change? Maybe...

Or maybe it is that God answers prayers? Just that sometimes prayers don't happen over night but beautifully blossom over time?

For years I prayed for the perfect man like any single Christian woman does. I wasn't sure how that was going to happen since I was never the going out “bar scene socializing” type but I just prayed we'd cross paths some day, some how. I'm sure this is ringing a bell if not a siren of truth for many other women of faith reading this. And completely out of no where God delivered. No other way to explain it and I would go as far to say miraculous. I mean I just don't meet guys let alone potential mates and here one dropped from the friggen sky! And I prayed that he'd quite all this stuff and little by little God was answering, he was answering!

I wrote this if only to help other women look at their lives and possible their men a little different. As a girl we are taught to romanticize our men fighting actual dragons of the world, but sometimes that dragon isn't found at the end of a his sword but within himself.
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Old 10-16-2010, 08:33 PM
Location: Arizona
28,956 posts, read 16,360,776 times
Reputation: 2296
A special kind of beauty exists in a single language that is not isolated.

It's called Love!
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Old 10-16-2010, 09:54 PM
64 posts, read 62,323 times
Reputation: 36
Peddles, don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe God sent him to you so you could help him learn to love, grow and change. Maybe he was never meant to be "yours" but you were the instrument God used to reach him. I'd say you had a very good and positive impact on him. Keep your heart open...love often comes unexpectedly.
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Old 10-17-2010, 12:07 AM
8,175 posts, read 6,925,948 times
Reputation: 8378
Originally Posted by Waken2 View Post
Peddles, don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe God sent him to you so you could help him learn to love, grow and change. Maybe he was never meant to be "yours" but you were the instrument God used to reach him. I'd say you had a very good and positive impact on him. Keep your heart open...love often comes unexpectedly.

That was very touching, Peddles. Thank you for sharing that. I'm certain that there is someone out there that will be helped by reading your story.

As a girl we are taught to romanticize our men fighting actual dragons of the world, but sometimes that dragon isn't found at the end of a his sword but within himself.
That was really beautiful... and so true.
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