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I am currently frustrated with a friend of mine. This is a friendship between two men. We are both Christians, and I am trying to decide what to do next.
We have known each other for about seven months. We were acquaintances before when we both lived in the same city. He is now a basketball coach at a small college, and I live 17 hours away. All of our contact has been via phones calls, email, and an occasional text. This summer, our friendship seemed very natural and like something we both wanted. Of course, it was the off season for basketball. He would begin his emails with words like "So good to hear from you" He helped me out a lot as I made some major decisions regarding my job. We talked about me coming during the basketball season to watch him coach.
I have a condition which prevents me from driving, and his college is in a place that would be hard for me to get to since there is no public transit. He was like "Oh, don't worry, I have no problems helping you out. One of the benefits of being the coach is I can make my own schedule" That was in early August. Then school started and he got his players back. There was an occasion in early September where I asked him to call me, and he said it was a busy week, as he would be out of town recruiting. Totally understandable. But I did not hear from him for three weeks. When he finally called, I told him that I realized he would be getting busier as the season approached, and asked how we could keep in contact in a way that worked best for him. He made it sound like it was no big deal. He said to just continue emailing, and that we would set up phone calls at times that would work good for both of us. He did return my emails for the next month, although he usually took a week to reply and his emails were very short and often included the words "Sorry, I've been busy". It no longer felt like staying in contact was natural for him, and he was treating it like a task on his to-do list.
I began growing concerned that if he was this busy just during practice, that he could never be available to help if I made a trip to see him coach. I sent him an enail explaining my concerns and asked him to please be honest and realistic if he could actually help. If he still felt he could, I asked him to answer a few questions about days and times so that I could plan my flights around what was best for him. 10 days later, he texted me, sayng "Sorry, I haven't replied to your email, but I'll get to it this week" That was two weeks ago, I have not heard back, and his first game is in three days.
Honestly, I don't think it is anything personal. I think this is just how he is. He lets his work consume him, and he is totally focused on one thing and his friends are far down his list of priotirties. I am frustrated though because I feel like his words from the summer were not sincere, and if he wasn't willing to take the time to stay in touch or help when I visit, he shouldn't of said he would just to satisfy me in the moment. It is easy to just say "Forget you" or "If you don't have time for me, then I don't have time for you", but my heart is saying I should try and be more forgiving and not get mad. I would love to talk this out with him, but he would likely not have the time. It is like he is a totally different person when he gets busy with basketball. So, what would you say is the best way to approach things at this point.
Here are a few options:
1. Pretend like nothing is wrong, and just say that I have decided I am unable to come.
2. Make it clear that since he is unable to take 10 minutes to answer an email about helping, then obviously he can't actually help.
3. Let all my frustrations out, and tell him that I no longer feel the things he says are credible, that I don't like being left hanging, and that I feel friendship is more important than any job. If a friend is important to you, you make time.
4. Do nothing. Wait and see if he ever replies. If not, never contact him again. If he does, and still acts like he can help, say no thanks or actually believe him.
5. Something else.
I feel like I keep taking the high road and am constantly trying to make things work on his terms, but he doesn't seem to appreciate it. Please share your thoughts on what would be a true Christian way to handle this.
You should just give him the leeway and consider him a long time distant friend and let all discord go , or give it to the Lord and forgive and forget and say I going to see him one of these days and let it go...... See Jesus does not ever need to separate people friendship or it would be a perplexing issue. So Just `I`ll see you later ` and go see him later in a month or two or many months later as a long distant friendship would and consider it that , good times and bad times friends...... See the world would get mad and say about them `never see them again `, so this is not of the Spirit of the Lord , because lost relationship like `it will never be the same` is sentimentalism and this separation is not of the Lord and His character......
High-expectations, can lead to multiple disappointments.
While maybe true, that doesn't quite help me with what to do with this current situation.
And I don't exactly see what was so "High" about anything. Three months ago, everything was fine. The ideas of staying in touch and even coming for a game were his.
It doesn't sound like he is investing too much of himself in this friendship. People are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It seems when he moved away, he found other things to take up his time and doesn't have any for you. The ball is in his court to call. I have a feeling though that he won't. I would move on and find other friends.
High-expectations, can lead to multiple disappointments.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dakota79
While maybe true, that doesn't quite help me with what to do with this current situation.
And I don't exactly see what was so "High" about anything. Three months ago, everything was fine.
The ideas of staying in touch and even coming for a game were his.
It appears that you are more disappointed then this other person, which is understandable.
Perhaps, accepting things as they are, without further anticipation, would be beneficial?
Personally, I have met many people who are merely an acquaintance, very few have become intimate friends.
I hope this person has a change of heart; and accepts or acknowledges your friendship over time.
I have a friend that I have never even met in person and we e-mail back and forth. I got to know her right here at C-D and we became fast friends because we thought so much alike and had a lot in common. It's a long distance friendship too and there might be a month or two between e-mails sometimes because she's so busy. At first I would get upset when I would send an e-mail and didn't hear back for 3 or 4 weeks at a time but the more we talked the more I understood that her life was falling apart and there were some major things happening with her and it was a miracle she even had time to e-mail me when she did.
Maybe your friend is just so busy and consumed with work and life that he doesn't even know he's being rude or distant. I would just sit back and relax, let him make the next move because the ball is in his court. You might have to forget about going to see him, maybe that's just too much to ask of him when he's so busy. I think you're right and it's nothing personal at all. Having a pen pal works pretty good when the expectations are nothing more than just waiting for another e-mail. I don't think it's realistic to keep hanging on to the idea that you'll be able to visit each other, probably not in the cards since you're 17 hours apart. Just keep it light and enjoy talking to him once in a while.
I think Ilene has it right. We can't expect things from people who we are only acquainted with. In fact, I find that it can be disappointing to expect too much from anyone, period. I've given up expecting anything from anyone.
1. Pretend like nothing is wrong, and just say that I have decided I am unable to come.
- - Nope. Don't pretend anything.
2. Make it clear that since he is unable to take 10 minutes to answer an email about helping, then obviously he can't actually help.
- - Nope.
3. Let all my frustrations out, and tell him that I no longer feel the things he says are credible, that I don't like being left hanging, and that I feel friendship is more important than any job. If a friend is important to you, you make time.
- - Nope. Friendship is rarely as important as a job. That is his life's work. He needs to be the best he can be to support himself. The friendship works around the job.
4. Do nothing. Wait and see if he ever replies. If not, never contact him again. If he does, and still acts like he can help, say no thanks or actually believe him.
- - If you do want him for a friend, this does not meet your end goal.
5. Something else.
- - You have known him for 7 months - and much of that is long distance. I would question how well you know him. And this is the first time you have experience him in "job" mode.
If you want him for a friend, back off the demands, be supportive and contact him occasionally until a week after the season ends and see how things work out.
If you don't want to be a friend, just stop contacting him. Don't burn any bridges. He may actually try to contact you.
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