Church disconnects our marriage (hell, doctrine, women, preaching)

[Skittle]

I'm so sad. This might be a little long but I hope that you read it anyway.

I never thought it would come this far. I really loved to go to church. Lately I have been sick, in addition to my pregnancy and I had a surgery on Monday. I wish so much that my husband would be there for me and that he would give me the comfort that I need right now. But for him it's more important to go to church than spend time with me. This has been going on for weeks. I'm deeply hurt and today the situation escalated. I left. I thought I would go back tomorrow after he had some time to think but he told me again that he goes to church and then picks me up afterwards. I told him not even to bother. It feels like I hate church and I never want to step a foot in it . I don't want to study the Bible because it reminds me at church. I don't want to listen to sermons because they reminds me at church. I just don't know what to do anymore
And I also feel pressured by people at church. I know that they mean well and they are worried about me not showing up. But all this asking pushes me away from church and from my husband even more.
Another bad thing right now is that we are staying with some of our church friends. We have to because we were supposed to fly out on Monday and we already given up our house by the time I needed surgery. I'm grateful that they have opened their door and took us is but because of this situation I feel very uncomfortable there.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want my marriage to go down because of church.

[SCGranny]

Dear skittle,
There are so many things involved here that I don't know where to begin.
I feel from your note that you are depressed, and your health difficulties make you more so. You have very intense needs at this time that are not being met. You expected your husband to meet these needs, yet he seems to be rejecting you and your needs. Is that an accurate assessment of how you feel?

We are each responsible for our own choices, our own salvation, and no one can bring another to God. But they can help and succor those who need it - not simply by preaching, but by showing a true love of God by being sensitive to each others' real needs- not just spiritual but temporal. It does no good to pray over a man who cannot breathe! First you must help him breathe, then the prayers can strengthen him.

The most important thing to God (IMHB) is the family, the union of two souls who work together and strive together to raise children, and all to grow closer to, and have a greater understanding of, God. For a husband to do as you are saying is to go against God. Not only is he neglecting your needs to attend church, but he is harming your beliefs and your religious commitment by putting church, not God, first. There is a big difference!

I am curious as to where your minister is in all of this. Is he encouraging your husband? Does he even know what is happening? Can you confide in him? What about the people whom you are living with? Do they see you as being too insistent or too demanding, or are they willing to help you temporally as well as spiritually?

Church is a fine thing, it can give strength and succor and spiritual guidance. But one cannot ignore temporal needs and use church as the excuse for doing so. If your husband truly cared about your spiritual welfare, he would succor you first and bring you to both a temporal and spiritual health, then use the church as it was meant - as a support system to bring everyone to God. Perhaps he is simply feeling overwhelmed by your current physical needs and is going to the church to feel stronger and more supported. Perhaps due to his beliefs he thinks that he should set the example and that you as a Christian woman should sublimate your needs to the Church, as he has done. I cannot know his motivations or purposes; only you can. However, if you are feeling neglected or hurt, it is best to express your feelings calmly and without making accusations, to try to understand where his mind and heart are. Failing that, you might talk with the minister and express your needs, both physical and spiritual, and ask for his help in communicating them to your husband. It seems like you two need help in communicating.

[crystal-sea]

IT IS WRITTEN:


Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Colossians 3:19 - Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.


it has been written TWICE.

[Miss Blue]

Skittle, just a couple of thoughts here and I may respond again later..First impression is that you and hubby belong to a very legalistic church..I mean an organization with many rules about family, husband and wife roles.(I read some of your other posts).My h said God was punishing me through my daughters cancerMy mom died on a Saturday night ..She lived 6 hours away..He wouldn't come with me, because he said His church family came first..I went alone with 40 dollars, no credit cards. and a very sick daughter who had chemo 4 days prior.(these are just two incidences).When I quit going to church with him, I discovered that there was a hell and it was right here on earth and that it was made by man..

If you were perfectly happy in your church with its doctrine and just suddenly began having all these feelings, maybe it is depression caused by the many, many body changes during pregnancy..Talk to your Dr about your sleeping habits and daily routines..

Skittle, I hope and pray that you do not turn against God because of mans actions..God is within you and is there through the Holy Spirit to help you mend and give you peace, wisdom and comfort..He gave me the courage to turn from all "manmade religions." and difficult doctrines..He even showed me how to bring the marriage back after a year of divorce for the sake of the family and without compromising my newfound relationship of peace and love with the creator..My h still attends his legalistic church, but makes no demands on me, and although I do not even discuss my belief with him, I can see that he is being more understanding..

[aiangel_writer]

Skittle, you have been given some very excellent advice from the above posters.

I have learned thru 26 years of marriage that men are just not as sensitive as women as a whole on many things. I once relied upon my husband for my happiness, thinking he would want me happy and notice when I was not and do something about it. Silly me. It took me a while, but I realized that I was the one that was responsible for My own happiness. How could I love properly if I could not learn to love myself and be comfortable with myself first?

I found that once I quit relying on my husband for my happiness, and started to search out my soul and find things that made me feel whole as a person, my marriage grew and got better.

Now, this does not mean that He changed, oh no....he still is a work-a-holic and is hardly ever home. It means that I have accepted this about him and realize that this is just a part of him that I fell in love with. On the other hand, if he were cheating or drinking or abusive to me, that would fall into a different catagory and he is none of these. Just wanted to clarify the difference here.

I have many things I love to do that fill and occupy my time while he is gone. I have also set aside a 'date night' so we can have one night a week that is totally just for us to regroup and reconnect. He resented it at first, but now is quite happy to see this night approach.

And, I also wanted to point out that when I go to church, he does not go with me, his decision not mine. I once would not go because of this, but got over it and when I feel like God is calling me to go to church, I go alone.

One must not confuse serving God with religion, they are two different things. Many don't realize that or don't accept this concept but I feel it is a huge problem in this country.

I don't know if any of these will apply to you, but wanted to throw them out there just to be thinking about, if only to be able to check it off the list as not a potential problem in your marriage.

I encourage you to not blame God for your husbands lack of being there for you. Go to your Bible and ask for God to heal you and show you what He has in store for You. Even if it means going to a different church/denomination. Don't allow this to ruin your relationship with your Savior, satan would love that.

blessings to you and don't give up.

As others have said, being with child changes your harmones in a huge way, so this could be a huge factor in how you are feeling as well. As well as the fact that on the whole, women often feel huge and insecure the further a pregnancy is in it's term because of the 'thin' thinking of today's society. Don't allow these negative thoughts to take over.

aiangel

[crystal-sea]

ok I'm back again.

just wanted to say as devoted as Mary and Joseph were to God, when they had to leave town for the sake of the baby/Jesus, then that's just what Joseph and Mary did. God does lead husbands to tend more to the wife, while she is in a very tender time in her life, and that the temple is NOT GOD.

what would Mary had done if Joseph had decided that his tabanacle worshipers would miss him if he didn't show up and decided just to stay put. what would any husband say to God when standing before him about his ministry towards is wife, what sacrafices did he make, was he a comforter in her time of need, and so on. how would such a husband who has done none of the above answer when God says "What you did to the least of them you did to me."

does anyone yet know today where Adam was when the serpent was talking Eve into eating the fruit cause I still don't know.... http://www.fotosearch.com/thumb/PHD/PHD615/RBC6_19.jpg (broken link)!!! [this was suppose to be funny]

anyways IT IS WRITTEN

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

Ecclesiastes 3:2 - A time to be born, and a time to die;.....

if the partner is to be there for one of the above events, and all the details involved with it, then the mate should be there for the other as well, and all the details involved with it understanding that both events are major life changing happenings and should be given reflective and sober attention.
Ecclesiastes 3:17 - I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.

Ecclesiastes 8:9 - All this have I seen, and applied my heart unto every work that is done under the sun: there is a time wherein one man ruleth over another to his own hurt.


just remember that God will NEVER leave you or forsake you nor your .............


praying for you guys

[Marks]

Skittle, I hear the pain, frustration, and fear in your post. I'm praying for you and your husband. All the advise here that has been given to you is very good.

A couple of things for you and others to remember.

1) The Church is not what is presented today. The Church is people, Christians, us; not rules, buildings, and such. God has His Church, His people, His true Christians. DO NOT look to what is seen today and called "church" as the real thing. What is seen is not that which is not seen, and that which is not seen is not that which is seen.

2) God does the saving. It is He and He alone that calls and sanctifies. When Jesus manifests Himself to you and the Holy Spirit comes and dwells in you you will know it. And you will hear His voice and not another. Call on God to lead you and He will.

"If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth." (Colossians 3:1,2)

[freedom]

Go into your closet, shut the door (to the world), and seek council from your Father in heaven. Talk to Him as you would anyone else, explain your situation, trust in His ability to answer your prayers according to His glory.
Feel the peace and security of His love.

godspeed,


freedom

[Skittle]

Thank you for all your responds. We had a long talk last night and I'm happy because he realized that what was going on was not good. We prayed together and talked about things that went wrong from both sides. I have also talked to the people we are staying with. I'm confident that God will lead us through it all.

[TheComputerGuy]

I'm SO glad it all worked out for you!