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One day it happened; I got the phone call everyone dreads and hopes will never come. It was one of my aunts on the other end: "You'd better come home right away- your mother is very, very sick." Indeed she was- with stage 4 cancer: lukemia. I made arrangments to leave work, my wife and I packed a few things and made the 650 mile trip to Des Moines, Iowa from Western Kansas. She was an extremely stubborn woman and had not told anyone about her diagnosis. She always told us in cases like this that she didn't want people to worry. That's all well and good but it doesn't allow others to pray for the one that is sick in the meantime. She was gone within 3 weeks time.
The first hour after we arrived produced the miracle I had prayed for for some 20 years. There were sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces and nephews from all over in the hospital room at the time. After all the greetings and hello's the room cleared out. Only my mother lying at death's doorstep, myself and my wife remained in the room. The others left so that my wife and I could have some precious alone time with her. I asked my mom point blank if she was ready to stand before God and be judged for her sins and her life. She said no. I asked her if she was ready to repent and recieve forgiveness for her sins and to accept Jesus as her Lord and Savior. She said yes. I lead her in a short sinner's prayer and she was saved. This woman had lost her husband (my dad) while she was 5 to 6 months pregnant with me. He died in a truck crash in the wee hours of the morning. I had been praying for her salvation since I was saved when I was 27. To the best of my knowledge, she had totally abandon her Catholic faith; had not prayed or asked for forgiveness, read the Bible or attended church for almost 50 years! She blamed God for the premature death of her husband, leaving her pregnant and already with a one and a half year old boy, my brother. She was a widow at a very young age with very little income and her whole life ahead of her. I don't know that she ever even acknowledged God's existance after this, although I knew that she believed in Him. I remember many, many poker and drinking parties in our apartments as she turned to alcohol for comfort instead of God.
Many of you know just how hard it is to watch a loved one die right before your eyes. I held up extremely well for the first week, wanting to be strong for her. I stayed right by her bedside holding her hand and stroking her soft, gray/white hair. We talked for hours. I went this whole time without shedding a tear. One day a different aunt came in the room and I lost it. I broke down and cried but only just for a few minutes. You know how big, strong men are: suppressing their feelings and certainly could not be seen crying in front of people, even if they are relatives. I was the typical hard-hearted male of the species so I forced myself to stop. Looking back, I could see that it was not nearly enough to let out all the sadness, grief and sorrow I felt seeing her dying and then passing away. When we go through this end of life period, it is a time of high stress and anxiety and is highly emotional. I needed to let all that out but suppressed it all internally. The joy of her salvation on her death bed overwhelmed my need to shed tears, I guess. I mean, how can you cry when the woman who raised you has gained eternal life after 50 years of disobedience and sin, right?
As the weeks and months passed I still had not had that deep, heart-felt cry that one needs to have. I firmly believe that we are hard-wired at birth by God to have this experience. Yet, there I was months and months later and still could not weep for my dead mother's passing. I thought about her all time and still I did not cry. No tears came. I mean, even the most cold-hearted serial killer would weep over the death of his own mother, right? Not me, even though I knew I needed to. So what does that make me? I had begun to feel guilty about it many months before and now it was tearing at my heart and mind. Brothers and sisters, this is not of the Kingdom of God- it is a tool of our adversary the devil. He will use every tool available to him against us, including our own emotions. I began to pray about it seriously then.
One night a few days later, I had a dream. It was given to me by my loving Father in heaven. Looking back at it, it reminds me of the story in the Bible where word comes to Jesus that His friend Lazarus is dying. Jesus went about His business for a few days then told His disciples and Apostles that they would make the trip to see Lazarus. Jesus, knowing after a seasnon that Lazarus had passed from this life, told them "Our friend sleepeth; but I go that I may awake him out of sleep." His discliples said, "If he sleeps he does well!" They did not know what Jesus knew. In John 11:14 Jesus says plainly to them, "Lazarus is dead." My dream was very much like this. I'm in the hospital hallway. My wife is by my side again and I'm standing face to face with my aunt (the first one who phoned me.) She is looking me straight in the eyes and says to me plainly, "Your mother is dead." Unable to deny it or put it off any longer, I broke down and cried. I broke down totally and completely. I cried and I cried and I cried. Then I cried some more; and some more. It was not a superficial expression of sadness, but the deep soul cleansing mourning my emotions, my heart and my very spirit and soul needed. In my dream it seemed to last for hours; days even. It put a reality and a finality to her death. We all need to have this experience so that we, the living, can go forward with our own lives. When I awoke, needless to say I remembered the dream vividly and completlely. I actually woke up smiling and refreshed! I had wept, grieved and mourned the death of my mother as God intends for us to do. The only difference was that I did it in a dream given to me by God. What an awesome God we serve! Seeing that I could not or would not cry on my own He blessed me and met my needs in a dream!
I believe God had me tell you this because someone else needs it. You need to hear this. When God moves in our lives like this we need to testify of it so others will believe, but also to edify the church. It can help others in ways we don't even know of. We are the light of the world. "A city that is set upon a hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel (basket), but on a candle stick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven" (Matt. 5:14-16). Perhaps you are a father grieving over the loss of a child because of a suicide, drug overdose or accident. Many mothers are so stricken by grief that they never recover. Many parents never recover or only one does. Their marriage falls apart and some blame the other. It's not natural to NEVER get past the death or loss of a child or other loved one. Perhaps they were kidnapped or ran away. Some died of cancer or some other sickness. Maybe you are a brother or sister; aunt, uncle or other relative. There's a reason you are reading this. God is reaching out to you right now. He wants you to know that He loves you very, very deeply and your children equally. He knows your pain and your suffering and your loss. But it's been long enough. He's telling you that it's ok. You can let go now and move forward with your life. Life is a precious gift and you still have yours to live. The people around you and who love you need you to move on. You need to do this for them; and for yourself. You were not meant to be a slave to your emotions of sorrow and grief. He's here right now to help you overcome this. It's ok to stop greiving and crying. He's collected all the tears that clouded your eyes and ran down your cheek and He waits to hold you in His arms. John 14:27- "Peace I leave with you, MY peace I give to you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Receive that heavenly peace now and praise your Holy God and Father in heaven. "These things I have spoken to you that My joy might reamain in you and that your joy might be full" (John 15:11). You can have peace and joy again; God is offering it to you. Receive God's peace and joy and move forward now. Choose life.
God bless you!
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