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Old 08-13-2013, 06:58 PM
 
Location: kS.
505 posts, read 525,367 times
Reputation: 124

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Keep it clean; keep it rated "G" please!

JEHOVAH HOWARD??

The young Christian parents of the 4 year old stood proudly smiling, arm in arm by the bedside as junior, on his knees, his hands folded in prayer uttered the following:

"Our father who art in heaven
Howard be thy name..."
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:27 PM
 
55,906 posts, read 33,107,538 times
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Default Christian/clean joke thread

The young boy returning from the burial of his uncle spotted a dead bird and decided to give it a proper burial. He dug a hole and solemnly pronounced the words . . . "In the name of the Father and of the Son and into the Hole he goes."
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:33 PM
 
Location: New England
34,905 posts, read 24,350,552 times
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Hell and Damnation preacher on the pulpit screaming out:
"And you will all burn in the fires of HELL and there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth"

Little old lady in the front pew: "But Preacher, I haven't go any teeth

Preacher: "TEETH WILL BE PROVIDED"
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Old 08-13-2013, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Southern Oregon
17,071 posts, read 9,326,279 times
Reputation: 1855
"Clean jokes?" But I don't know any!
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Old 08-13-2013, 10:25 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
2,818 posts, read 3,177,279 times
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Why did the pope cross the road?
He crosses everything.
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Old 08-14-2013, 04:12 PM
 
28,900 posts, read 50,715,996 times
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Basic Theology:

Jew do not recognize Jesus.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
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Old 08-14-2013, 04:43 PM
 
Location: Somewhere extremely awesome
3,126 posts, read 2,817,500 times
Reputation: 2467
How can you tell when a Lutheran is watching Star Wars?

When they say "May the force be with you," he/she replies "And also with you."
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Old 08-14-2013, 06:24 PM
 
Location: kS.
505 posts, read 525,367 times
Reputation: 124
This is not actually a joke but a humorous post card I saw for sale at the post office-

2 dinosaurs are sitting on top of a very large rock talking to each other. Water covers the entire earth and is nearly to the top of the rock. Noah's ark is drifting away from them just ahead. The caption reads "Oh crap! That was today?"
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Old 08-18-2013, 08:45 PM
 
Location: kS.
505 posts, read 525,367 times
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The Beginning Of Life

In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.

The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said "At conception, of course!".

The Presbyterian Minister said "No, no, it's certainly begins at birth".

The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month".

They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when your last child grows up and leaves home!
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Old 08-18-2013, 10:43 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
10,688 posts, read 6,684,139 times
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Default Four envelopes

I posted this on an earlier humor thread that seems to have died almost before it began. This one is my favorite "church" humor joke, and one that any pastor really, really understands.


A new pastor came into service at a very large Protestant church with thousands of members. He looked over his new office with its big polished walnut desk, row after row of built in book stands, and pictures of Jesus in prayer. He was both proud and humbled as he sat down and began putting his personal items in the large desk.

As he opened the wide, pencil and paper clip drawer in the center of his desk he noticed four envelopes. A sticky note from his predecessor was attached to the top of the four rubber-banded envelopes. It read, "As you go through your pastorate here at XXXXXX Church, you will inevitably be faced with difficult times in which you will not know the best course of action. The envelopes are numbered 1 through 4. Each time you face an insurmountable crisis, open an envelope, sequentially, and an answer will help you."

The pastor smiled and pushed the envelopes to the back of the drawer.

A couple of years went by before the first big division came within the church. The pastor counseled with deacons and elders, he prayed and sought God's guidance. By accident one afternoon, he opened his middle drawer and saw the envelopes. Desperate as he was, he pulled out the first one, opened it and read a note which said "Start a Building Program!"

So he went out and began a campaign to build a new educational building--and sure enough, after a few months the original problem faded away.

A couple of more years go by and a second crisis develops. Again he prays and seeks guidance, but at last he goes into his drawer and opens envelope #2. The note read, "Balance the Budget". Well, they did owe money on the new building so that's what he undertook, a balanced budget program. And like the first time, the second crisis faded away.

Still more time passes and a third crisis arises. By now he knows how to solve his problem. He goes to his middle drawer and opens envelope #3. The note read, "Form a Committee." What a terrific solution! He appointed twenty people to study the problem, and, of course, like many things relegated to a committee, the crisis slowly died in their hands.

Perhaps three years go by before a fourth and very serious crisis arises, threatening to divide the church completely. The pastor prays and cries and seeks God's help. After all he only has one envelope remaining. But no answer is forthcoming. Eventually he sits down at his desk and reluctantly breaks open the last envelope.

In it is a note that says, "Make four envelopes."
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