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Old 10-11-2016, 11:29 AM
 
Location: N. Fort Myers, FL
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yes, i am not meaning to say you don't have a problem; but that it is easy to get drawn in to codependence. If you can role-play her side, someone else to role-play an interdependent response might help.

 
Old 10-11-2016, 12:14 PM
 
2,970 posts, read 2,756,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbyrd009 View Post
yes, i am not meaning to say you don't have a problem; but that it is easy to get drawn into co dependence. If you can role-play her side, someone else to role-play an interdependent response might help.
I do not like nor want to get drawn into co dependence.

Interdependence is what the 4 of us need. My husband, me, her, and her male friend.

What is an example of an interdependent response to her behavior?
 
Old 10-11-2016, 12:21 PM
 
Location: N. Fort Myers, FL
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Originally Posted by snugglegirl05 View Post
I do not like nor want to get drawn into co dependence.

Interdependence is what the 4 of us need. My husband, me, her, and her male friend.

What is an example of an interdependent response to her behavior?
i would need an example of her behavior.
 
Old 10-11-2016, 12:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bbyrd009 View Post
i would need an example of her behavior.
What I can think of is this...

There is a male friend of hers whom she wants to convince to want to date her. She depends on her male friend to take her to where he normally is, which is at an apartment complex she used to live at. He normally visits the residents at that complex. Her male friend did not feel up to doing this several Sunday's ago, which he told her of. She would not take no for an answer. According to my husband, she called her male friend later that day and literally convinced him to take her there. She could have taken the bus to that particular apartment complex since she does have a bus pass, but she chooses to depend on her male friend to take her wherever she needs to and wants to go even if she could go on her own. She gets upset when her male friend will not take her to wherever she wants to go. She has her male friend put on his personal calendar her doctor appointments so he will know to take her to the doctor.
 
Old 10-11-2016, 12:34 PM
 
Location: N. Fort Myers, FL
3,348 posts, read 1,622,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snugglegirl05 View Post
What I can think of is this...

There is a male friend of hers whom she wants to convince to want to date her. She depends on her male friend to take her to where he normally is, which is at an apartment complex she used to live at. He normally visits the residents at that complex. Her male friend did not feel up to doing this several Sunday's ago, which he told her of. She would not take no for an answer. According to my husband, she called her male friend later that day and literally convinced him to take her there. She could have taken the bus to that particular apartment complex since she does have a bus pass, but she chooses to depend on her male friend to take her wherever she needs to and wants to go even if she could go on her own. She gets upset when her male friend will not take her to wherever she wants to go. She has her male friend put on his personal calendar her doctor appointments so he will know to take her to the doctor.
and how is this a problem for you?
 
Old 10-11-2016, 12:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bbyrd009 View Post
and how is this a problem for you?
That is what came to mind at the moment.

I have to think about an incident involving the 2 of us.

That particular incident frustrated my husband because she wanted to get him involved in the situation and literally make her male friend take her to where she wanted to go. I feel his frustration when he feels frustrated.

In the past she has told my husband that no, her male friend could not pick me up from work one night even though her male friend wanted to do that. She says that she has been friends with her male friend longer than I have been and that she she will defend him and protect him. My husband ended up telling me that the male friend could not pick me up and that I had to find my own way home due to the fact that she would not let him do this.
 
Old 10-11-2016, 01:13 PM
 
Location: N. Fort Myers, FL
3,348 posts, read 1,622,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snugglegirl05 View Post
That is what came to mind at the moment.

I have to think about an incident involving the 2 of us.

That particular incident frustrated my husband because she wanted to get him involved in the situation and literally make her male friend take her to where she wanted to go. I feel his frustration when he feels frustrated.

In the past she has told my husband that no, her male friend could not pick me up from work one night even though her male friend wanted to do that. She says that she has been friends with her male friend longer than I have been and that she she will defend him and protect him. My husband ended up telling me that the male friend could not pick me up and that I had to find my own way home due to the fact that she would not let him do this.
so obviously, she is the boss of him, and finding a good way to expose this might work, like "is she the boss of you, or what?" but personally i would walk first, before i got more sucked in to what is obviously a codependent quadrangle. Maybe even just stating "yikes, it would be easier to walk, i guess."

i would enlist the male friend in this, too; if he has no...if he is not dependent upon her in any way--which i suspect that he is--then he is a lot freer to explore his choices, and needs to examine why "she would not let him do this," but that is his problem, not yours. Although you do have mutual interests in the area, obviously. It would not surprise me to hear that you have no way to contact him, except through her?
 
Old 10-11-2016, 01:18 PM
 
2,970 posts, read 2,756,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbyrd009 View Post
so obviously, she is the boss of him, and finding a good way to expose this might work, like "is she the boss of you, or what?" but personally i would walk first, before i got more sucked in to what is obviously a codependent quadrangle. Maybe even just stating "yikes, it would be easier to walk, i guess."

i would enlist the male friend in this, too; if he has no...if he is not dependent upon her in any way--which i suspect that he is--then he is a lot freer to explore his choices, and needs to examine why "she would not let him do this," but that is his problem, not yours. Although you do have mutual interests in the area, obviously. It would not surprise me to hear that you have no way to contact him, except through her?
The male friend lives at the same apartment complex my husband and I live at.

According to my husband, I, or anyone else, would have to take the initiative to rekindle the friendship since she will not do that because in her mind anyone who needs time and space away from her chose to walk out on her and not come back.
 
Old 10-11-2016, 01:25 PM
 
18,822 posts, read 27,261,264 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snugglegirl05 View Post
My husband is friends with a couple he has known since the 1990's who both want the upper hand. They have dated off and on since the 1990's. Both of them are controlling in nature, but they have a take it or leave it attitude regarding anyone who does not want to deal with that behavior.

Both of them are Christians.

They are just friends at the moment.

The woman wants to find a mate who will take care of her. My husband senses that she is bitter and frustrated with life as well as what God has given her. She has an I do not care attitude.

My husband and I have been out to lunch and dinner with them several times, but it has gotten to the point that I cannot and do not want to deal with that behavior.

She also an influence over her male friend as to who he should and should not help.

How do you deal with people who are like this when your spouse is friends with them?
Drop them. They are pasturing on your energy. They are dragging you into their problems that are their and no one else to share.
 
Old 10-11-2016, 01:29 PM
 
Location: N. Fort Myers, FL
3,348 posts, read 1,622,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ukrkoz View Post
Drop them. They are pasturing on your energy. They are dragging you into their problems that are their and no one else to share.
ya, this is hard advice to just ignore. I used to counsel this, but i lean more towards "let them come to you, you don't have to go to them" now.
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