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If her life is a "blessing", then my God not bless me whatsoever!
What I mean is: a marriage between one man and one woman who are serving the Lord, will be under God's blessing. No marriage is perfect, but a marriage that has the Lord's blessing will be able to weather any storm that comes as long as all continue to trust in Him. I'm not saying it will be easy, but God's way is a way of hope, not fear.
What I mean is: a marriage between one man and one woman who are serving the Lord, will be under God's blessing. No marriage is perfect, but a marriage that has the Lord's blessing will be able to weather any storm that comes as long as all continue to trust in Him. I'm not saying it will be easy, but God's way is a way of hope, not fear.
That's one opinion on the matter. Telling that to a woman whose church-going husband beats her or mentally abuses her, that wouldn't be good advice.
First and foremost, to learn why, and how, to love yourself.
Second, to really GET that what construction-worker men, or any men, say out loud that they want in women has no basis in reality.
Third, to learn why, and how, to accept people you claim to care about for themselves, as they are.
Fourth, to learn why and how to forgive -- yourself, then all other living beings, then the weather, then "inanimate objects".
Fifth, to create your life to look like your own ideas, not the ideas of others.
Oh -- what do you know -- they are ALL about learning why, and how, to love oneself....
DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER DISCUSSING YOUR FEELINGS OR YOUR MARRIAGE WITH ANYONE YOU ALREADY KNOW. Professional counseling with a psychologist -- who knows 100% more than you about self, love, caring, fear, hatred, freedom -- could turn your head around 180 degrees!! Wouldn't you be amazed if in two weeks you walk out of her or his office and got a sudden glimpse of yourself as a powerful, radiant, shining, beautiful, free being?? And then a couple of weeks after that, you could see your husband that way??
You need a professional counselor, also, to teach you some realities about the human condition, such as the fact that homosexuality and heterosexuality are not "styles" of living any more than the color of your eyes or skin is a "style" of living that you adopted in, say, high school... Do you think it would be likely that YOU could "get over" finding males sexually attractive if you really, really worked hard at thinking women are your "real" sexual attraction?
No one (so far) on this thread is a professional counselor. We are all only well-meaning anonymous strangers, without any real knowledge of you and without any professional understanding and experience with the details of your history and your particular situation. Cut out expenditures you don't need, and get professional counseling. Guess what? This is not a dress rehearsal -- this is your life, dripping away day by day. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. YOUR HUSBAND DESERVES HAPPINESS. I heartfeltly urge you get help now so that you can both give yourself your happiness. You can't afford not to.
You know what they say about deathbeds: we never really regret what we did; we only regret what we didn't do . . .
Last edited by allforcats; 07-21-2008 at 05:06 PM..
IF there is a god, and thats a BIG if, I can't believe he wants his people to live in denial.
Lets say for one moment that god does exist and that being gay is a state of mind rather then a biological FACT (I don't believe this but lets just SAY it for a moment). I don't think even god would want this woman to live her whole life with a man who is emotionally crippled by the above defintion.
I personally believe you can't pray away being gay, you can't counsel it away or medicate someone until they are NO LONGER gay. No more then you can change the fact that I have blue eyes, putting on contacts only blurr the reality.
I believe this poor man is in denial about his true self and got married in the hopes he could live an easier life because the church he belongs to forces their ideas down his throat. He fears that his god won't love him if he lives his life as gay.
Whatever the OP has said about him being unhappy in his gay life before is only true because he wasn't at ease being gay. He felt he had to hide it and do things furtively like looking at pictures on the internet rather then actually having a relationship with someone who shares the same feelings he does.
Surfergirl, I feel for you. You sound like a really nice person and so does your husband. I hope you both find a way to be happy in your life and to be true to your genuine life. There are churches out there who will accept your husband for who he really is. Not all of them think of being gay the way his current one does.
First and foremost, to learn why, and how, to love yourself.
Second, to really GET that what construction-worker men, or any men, say out loud that they want in women has no basis in reality.
Third, to learn why, and how, to accept people you claim to care about for themselves, as they are.
Fourth, to learn why and how to forgive -- yourself, then all other living beings, then the weather, then "inanimate objects".
Fifth, to create your life to look like your own ideas, not the ideas of others.
You need a professional counselor, also, to teach you some realities about the human condition
No one (so far) on this thread is a professional counselor.
Sixth: In order to obtain an accurate assessment both of yourself and your marriage; to obtain insight as to the true motivating factors surrounding your decision to marry this man; to determine whether benefits of remaining in marriage outweigh those of dissolving the marriage; to clarify your goals as regards both self and marriage; to increase ego strength and thereby self efficacy in order to accomplish specified goals as determined by you. To do so keeping in mind the centrality of your religious beliefs and the role(s) said beliefs play as a support in either motivating or defending that which is presented in treatment; capitalize on individual strengths.
Therapy is not intended to teach you about the realities of the human condition, per se, although that is not to say that a certain amount of "psycho-education" isn't involved. For the most part, it is meant to and intended to lend insight, ego strength, and validation in the overall context and interests of facillitating change, as determined ultimately by you.
A therapist would work with you in order to clarify that which is causing you distress in your marriage, and attempt in assisting you in arriving at a position of better peace of mind and self acceptance.
You only live once, and you only have a certain amount of time here to do what you please and live how you want to live.
Don't worry about pleasing others, and don't do something just cause "you're suppose to". It sounds like you really do love this man, and from what you say he really loves you.
What matters is that you found someone you trust and love, and he seems to have done the same. IF he is gay, that's how his life was dealt to him, and I'm afraid there isn't a lot that's going to change that truth. I can tell you first hand that it's mostly propaganda and blind faith that people sit and belive sexual attraction is something you can just turn off and on, control and flip when you want to. Who would say they woke up one day and decided that they were going to like men or women for the rest of their lives. You just grow up and suddenly find yourself looking at certain people you find attractive, and realizing that you're falling in love with someone. It's not like straight people CHOOSE to be attracted to the opposite sex, it's just THERE. Same for gay people. I don't know why so many can't just understand this!!
What you need to do is have a very candid conversation with him and really get everything out on the table, be stern with him. Neither of you WANTS to be living any lie, and when the truth is out there it might not change anything. If he really wanted out of your relationship he probably would have done it by now. Have confidence in yourself. I'm just nervous because it's not what you want to hear, but if you think he's gay and he's admitted to having feelings in the past, they're probably still there. A marriage doesn't HAVE to be exactly how society tells you it should be. Who's right is that? We're all individuals born into this world to live our lives how we want within the context of a healthy society. You can be in a relationship and be in love without it being perfect, and without it being "normal". BUT. You need it to be truthful or there will always be a quiet divide between you two...
I don't know much about the mentioned groups, however, I do believe while it does not happen very often, that a gay man can fall in love w/ a woman unexpectedly. What if he's bisexual and likes both? If he's committed to her, do you feel that the marriage could work out?
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Counseling, counseling, counseling . . .
