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Hi I'm new and searching for advice..... or something. I posted the following on a different site but it turned out not a good fit..... so here's hoping I can engage with you all here to learn and get stuff answered.
THANKS.
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Anyways I'm a happily married mom of 2. My husband is xtian and I and the children are officially jewish although nonpracticing at the moment.
I found my way here by accident. I was looking some stuff up on google and happened upon your site. It seemed like an open place that one could go and ask some questions in a nonthreatening environment so I thought I would give it a try.
I grew up xtian, baptised the whole ship and kaboodle. As a young adult I joined a baptist church.... One service the pastor started talking about how some members didn't like celebrating easter due to its pagan origins.... I had NO idea what he was talking about so I decided to look into it which lead me into a wealth of info I had never known. I embraced all this new found knowledge and eventually joined the messanic movement. I spent a few years with them til eventually I started attending a consevative shul...... I got to talking with the Rabbi and a year or so later I decided to embrace judaism and leave xtianity all together. Just a side note the Jewish faith DO NOT seek converts.... they actually discourage it.... but I was determined and converted. I had my children converted as well. NOW you may be thinking what about your husband...... ALL the while he is supportive he remained a unpracticing xtain. Which to clarify means.... he has faith in jesus and may occationally pray but thats about the extent of his practice..... Out of respect for me he did occationally attend services with me.
Anyways, he was very supportive of me. As a Jew I got rid of ANYTHING having to do with the xtian faith. We only celebrated Jewish holidays etc etc.... which looking back now was very nice of my husband... I don't know if I could of been as supportive had it been in reverse.... which I guess shows who is the selfish one
Anyways trying to get to the point..... About a year ago I was doing some cleaning and I came across my old Bible..... I thought I had gotten rid of most of the xtian stuff but guess I didn't. I decided to (for giggles) open it up and rumage through to see what I had in there.... Found some old church flyers and other misc. papers. I decided to then flip open and look inside it..... It opened to John 5:38.....
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You do not have His word abiding in you, for you do not believe Him whom He sent.
okay I'll admit that sent chills up my spin and I decided to keep reading to the end which of course only got worse...... but I convinced myself it was just a coinsidence.... and put it out of my mind...... A few months later we moved and I was cleaning the house and decided to turn the TV on and listen to it as I was cleaning...... As I flipped I flipped it on a xtian station somehow and just as turned on this station this Jesus movie was on and jesus was talking saying this EXACT verse...... deja vu perhaps but it definitely got my attention but again I decided to put it out of my mind........
Probably what got me more thinking was when my aunt died..... I started researching near death experiences and what people were reporting they saw whether good or bad or nothing at all..... about 90% of the accounts I found were of xtian origin even the little kids......
So whats the point you may be wondering.....
I don't know...... I don't know what the point of all this is....... I can't even explain why I am here posting yet I am. I am curious perhaps..... wishing I could be convinced unconsciencely perhaps..... but yet here I am.......
I haven't practiced any faith in a while....... While I whole heartly believe there is a G-d how to define that I can not tell you....
I don't necessarily ascribe to any faith anymore..... yet I will not say there is no G-d. I do admit I have a heaviness in my heart and a tightness on my neck...... What that means I don't know. I just know I feel it.....
I did decide to go to an Easter service here locally..... (as I posted about in a different section) It was a nice service but I felt so out of place..... It was all I could do not to run out of the place... It was hard to sit there yet I made myself..... Why I don't know.
I guess part of me was envy of what those people there had. I could see the utter complete assurance they had in what they believed. The joy they had in their eyes but it wasn't enough to get me to where I wanted to seek / ask for some too cause I still am not convienced that they aren't believing a lie ....... kwim? I know they believe full heartedly but whether or not its really the truth I just can't say or KNOW FOR SURE.......
I don't know if any of this is making sense..... Its so hard to discribe and get out in a way that others may beable to relate or even help me understand myself...... I can say I feel lost.... I do wish G-d would speak to me to help me to lead me to whatever I am suppose to be doing and know..... I do yearn for what his desires for me are..... I just feel empty and lost in darkness.....
The only thing I do know is I feel an urgency to HURRY...... like a clock is ticking..... yet I feel maybe its too late for me to figure this all out.
I don't know where I belong.
I know that should I come to understand xtianity and wish to return..... I do feel guilt and think about the day of my conversion. While I was so happy and convinced I was doing right..... I stood before a jewish councel and declared my Faith.... denounced faith in Jesus or any other religion...... During those first few years I had a hardness in my heart for anything to do with Jesus.... I hated to even hear anything about xtianity.... while my heart has softened and it does not bother me like ti did earlier I still don't know where that leaves me......
Maybe I need to talk to a rabbi and pastor..... maybe I am just agnostic.... ?
Has anybody ever been here? How does one ever get out or find there way again? regardless of where that way is...... I feel like I'm in a religous pit of void...... I want G-d but I feel like he can't get to me anymore..... I use to feel so close to him but now I feel nothing.....
I will admit that that scares me.....
Another thing that keeps me from any form of faith is all the mythology out there that matches up with xtianity and even parts of Judaism.... which is probably why I am in the grey........ of no faith other than I KNOW there is a G-d....... I hate being where I am though......
Maybe I'm just eternally lost from whatever the truth may be..
Secondly, I have doubt that your husband has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Anyone who thinks the Bible is boring and prays from time to time probably needs to get saved.
Read John, Romans, and 1 John.
And yes, there is a great urgency as these days are short. You could die tonight and if you have not found Jesus, you will perish. This is not fear-mongering, it is merely the truth.
Location: In the North Idaho woods, still surrounded by terriers
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Maybe you should have posted this in the Religion & Philosophy forum instead of the Christianity forum, so that you could get real answers to your questions instead of just criticism. There is a lot more to God and belief than just Christianity and you have every right to question.
I appreciate your advice... I don't know my way around too well but will look into that just to get advice and views from all angles I suppose it could not hurt.
I appreciate your advice... I don't know my way around too well but will look into that just to get advice and views from all angles I suppose it could not hurt.
Don't seek for answers that will make you feel good, for they will likely be the wrong answers as the flesh seeks to be fulfilled. The truth can only be found in the Word of God, the saving grace of God, and the blood atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.
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regardless of where that way is...... I feel like I'm in a religous pit of void...... I want G-d but I feel like he can't get to me anymore..... I use to feel so close to him but now I feel nothing.....
