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Thread summary:

Teen needs advice on making amends with father who abandoned family, dead beat dad, back owed child support, suicidal tendencies, counseling, moving away

View Poll Results: What should I do? - for those of you who just want to give a tiny response...
Try establishing a relationship 4 66.67%
Telling my mom she needs help 2 33.33%
Don't talk to my dad 0 0%
Do nothing-wait till im 18 1 16.67%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 6. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 12-29-2008, 04:54 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
3 posts, read 6,444 times
Reputation: 10

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i live in north phoenix, arizona.

this is an interesting story and a sticky situation.

my parents divorced when i was five. my dad was never a father to me, and the last time i spoke with him was when i was 10. he stopped paying child support leaving me with supporting myself with clothing and toiletries, braces etc. ive had a job since i turned fourteen, ive had 5 jobs and ive been laid off 3 this year. i make decent pay and i have a resume. im responsible for my age i suppose. im currently interesting in dual enrollment in college as well.

my sister flew into town this holiday season and on tuesday morning we were out in the garage and she told me that dad had been emailing her and that he left each of us three kids 70 dollars in western union and he wants to slowly start making amends. my sister asked if i wanted his email address to thank him or else she would just do it for me. i wanted to send the email myself.

this is what i sent"


"hi im matt. you really dont know me anymore, but it is apparent that i am your son. i have received your gift to me. i thank you for the seventy dollars that is now sitting in my savings account. i have no idea what has happened with you in the past years, but no matter what, the money that was for child support was never there, and therefore, can never be replaced for the sacrifices that have been made. i have had to pay for clothing, toiletries, braces, car, pretty much everything all because of the lack in money my mother has had to support me. this is really unfortunate. i would have an interest in getting to know you as a person. i dont even know who you are, or what kind of personality you have. all i know, is that i give chances, because everyone deserves a second chance after they have learned or improved their mistake. forgiveness is key. and that is why i am typing this. and that is why i am here: to see what's behind the hidden door...

there are some important issues i am going through right now in the environment i am in. if you dont seem like a creeper, i would love to share these with you.

time for change,
matt"


(he hasnt responded yet)




THIS IS THE IMPORTANT BACKGROUND INFO:

my mother and i have been struggling financially from apartment to apartment these past years. in january of my seventh grade year my grandfather passed away leaving my grandmother in this huge house in a decent neighborhood. my mother and i had to move out by may so it only made sense for us to move out into her home. i thought it would be great moving into her house, but it definitely wasn't once i started school in 8th grade. the people were nasty and horrible. and for some reason everyone hated me. everyone wanted to be the best. so they knocked everyone down. this is what happens in high class neighborhoods i suppose.

that year, i tried suicide 11 times and didnt succeed. (im over it all now, and im a lot happier and more well adjusted). even though, it still isnt the same as phoenix.


So heres the important difficulty:

things have gotten so bad in my house. i feel as if i get in trouble for being myself doing everyday things and i suffer from it. i feel as if my mother has some sort of OCD or bipolar disorder... i dont know but my grandmother is the same way. and this isnt a disrespect issue. i need to get out of this house. everday when i come home its like i get yelled at for being myself. i cant go anywhere. my phone time is limited to 10 minutes a day now. i have no freedom to self-express myself. basically, my mother and i have two different personalities, and she grounds me because she doesnt know how to handle her words. i feel as if she is out of touch in the world.



im looking for down to earth people and would like to know if colorado springs provides that as well as if it would be a smart decision if i have the desire to move there. of course i would have to talk to him on the phone for a month or two. and if that goes well, i want to fly out there in spring break to check out the environment. then maybe i can move out there in july. i want to finish this semester at my school in AZ. i need a lot of tiime to think about this and i want input from many people with many different diverse backgrounds and experiences. should i even start talking to him?

its time for change.
take me away to 2009.
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Old 12-29-2008, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Just south of Denver since 1989
11,812 posts, read 34,265,174 times
Reputation: 8930
You should talk to someone you can trust at school. You were forced to grow up before your time.

Get a new attitude. You deserve the best education you can get. Ignore the people, focus on you.

You need counseling. It is not your fault or your problem that your parents split up.

Trading parents will just get you a new set of issues.
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Old 12-29-2008, 05:11 PM
 
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
598 posts, read 1,539,813 times
Reputation: 531
I agree...seek advice from the guidance counselor at school. There are many great programs available.

Why are you interested in moving to Colorado Springs? Does your mother know about this?
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Old 12-29-2008, 05:12 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
3 posts, read 6,444 times
Reputation: 10
colorado springs is where my father is currently living.
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Old 12-29-2008, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
3 posts, read 6,444 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2bindenver View Post
You should talk to someone you can trust at school. You were forced to grow up before your time.

Get a new attitude. You deserve the best education you can get. Ignore the people, focus on you.

You need counseling. It is not your fault or your problem that your parents split up.

Trading parents will just get you a new set of issues.

that is quite interesting. the trading parents part. explain more.
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Old 12-29-2008, 05:57 PM
 
68 posts, read 254,008 times
Reputation: 41
I'm sorry that you have to go through all that. My husband had a horrible childhood-his mom divorced 5 times, drugs, no stability etc. He became a Christian at 33 years old and when I met him I thought he grew up in a Christian home. Boy, was I surprised, he didn't. Of course, truly receiving the Lord Jesus as your savior will change your whole life forever. But there is something you need to know about Christianity---we are living in the last days and true Christians are hard to come by. Therefore, any counseling from some so called "Christian" could be bad advice. There is a good church there in Colorado Springs with a very level headed pastor with a good reputation, been there for I think 15 years. I talked with him on the phone and he was very helpful. I think he can give you a good answer to your dire situation. His name is James Carroll and the church is Lighthouse Baptist Church in Colorado Springs. God thinks you are precious and if you just wait, things will improve. Back to my husband, he is now a successful manager at Costco. His life is much better, now. It is very sweet of you to be forgiving--please, don't ever think you life is not important. It is quite the opposite-very valuable.
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Old 12-29-2008, 06:13 PM
 
121 posts, read 450,249 times
Reputation: 71
You are very well spoken for your age. I'm sorry to hear about the negatives in your situation. It does sound like you have things to be thankful for too. Don't ever lose sight of those.

My wife was abandoned by her father at a young age, and she was mostly raised with her siblings by her single mother (also no child support). At about the same age as you her father came back around and she made the decision to live with him (in another town - new high school - very similar). She values those years with him and does not regret that decision.

She is now an adult and hasn't lived with him for many years. She still lives with some level of anger toward him for those (important and influential) years he wasn't around, however she does have a (I'd say mostly positive) relationship with him at this point and she is glad she does. Her siblings do not and they continue to harbor bad feelings. My wife is much happier than they are, despite the fact her father has never apologized for the hurt he caused her nor has he admitted any wrongdoing. She lifted the weight off her shoulders herself by forgiving him and giving him a second chance.

My wife does see a counselor, which is something you should do too, which helps her deal with those past issues. Like the other post said, it's not your fault, but it is your reality. Counselors are there for a reason – take advantage of that.

The circumstances are very similar. I guess my point is you are pretty young and you should talk to your mom and others about it before making a decision. Your mom may or may not have the ultimate decision, but give her the benefit of the doubt since she has continued to help raise you after your dad left. She deserves it even if you are upset with her and don't always agree with her now. And if you do choose to live with your dad, it's not about the city/neighborhood/school he lives in.

This might sound harsh, but if you go to live with your dad plan on it being worse than living with your mom - at least she hasn't given up on you in the past. Your dad might be ready to act more mature now (hopefully), but I wouldn't count on it. $70 is a nice gesture, but no amount of money will replace what he has taken from you. That doesn't mean you can't give him another chance, but try not to set yourself up for disappointment. Plan on him being more of the same, and if he proves you wrong then you'll be much better off. If you do choose to live with him, that doesn't mean go in with a bad or negative attitude - keep an open mind, and be willing to forgive. If you do it, whether he makes up for the past or he proves to be more of the same, at least you will continue to grow from it. Keep a good relationship with your mom so that if you need to move back with her she is open arms.


You sound mature for being only 15 - keep your head on straight and don't get caught up with stupid stuff. As long as you continue moving in a positive direction life gets A LOT better after 15 - hang in there and you'll see. Whether it is giving your dad another chance, finding a new circle of friends, a team sport, a church or whatever, just seek whatever you feel is positive in your life. You deserve it.
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Old 12-29-2008, 07:14 PM
 
Location: The 719
17,874 posts, read 27,262,848 times
Reputation: 17122
I would focus in on your dad and his ammend to you.

I'd keep that separate from your living arrangement with him and treat that separate, then consider "living with him" or giving him the opportunity to help provide for you once you get an idea of his actual circumstances.

I'm wondering why he's making ammends to people and why now. Has he had some kind of recent religious experience or is he doing some 12 step program from an alcohol or drug addiction?

I like your acceptance of his ammend and the willingness to forgive him or "give him that second chance." But just because you're willing to let him make his demonstration and make ammends to you doesn't mean he's gonna be able to follow through and stick to it. If he messes up, you need to call him on it and not place yourself in a position of harm.

I understand you're having problems with your mom's mental state and stuff... but what about her getting some kind of help? Is she willing? Do you think it would help?

You're really gonna have a head start once you're old enough legally to do some stuff you've probably been doing... (join the club... I can relate), but to have to help provide for yourself... that's good and all... but accept help in the short few years you have left as a "kid". Know what I mean?
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:33 PM
 
Location: CoS, 80904
83 posts, read 303,771 times
Reputation: 30
This is a sticky one, no way around it.

All I can say is, if it were me, I would explore *all* avenues for help. Namely, see an adult at school you trust and let them know what's happening, talk to your mom and let her know how you're doing AND see if your dad has come around and now wants to help you for real.

I wouldn't plan on moving until you know where he stands. You don't want to go from the frying pan into the fire.

Do you have any close friends? Maybe staying at someone else's house for a week or two could give both you and your mom a break.

As far as Colorado Springs goes, I have found the people here to be very friendly and down-to-earth. It's a slower-paced town than Phoenix, but I have found that to be a positive, not a negative. (There's still lots to do.)
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:43 PM
 
2,781 posts, read 7,180,601 times
Reputation: 873
Outside of moving in with your dad, can you legally just leave?
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