[eschaton]

Hey all,

I grew up in Connecticut, but moved away mostly after high school, and haven't lived there at all for nine years. One of my oldest friends called me up for advice today, as he was having a major life crisis, and I wanted to see what people who are still residents of the state think.

Essentially his life has been falling apart. Both he and his wife have been trading down in jobs for years. He initially had a couple good jobs, and kept trading upward. His career peaked a few years back, but he was commuting all the way to northern New Jersey since he couldn't find anything good in the state, and the commute was killing him. Since then he's worked a raft of temporary jobs, which increasingly haven't even required a college degree. He's desperate for something steady which pays at least $15 per hour. My understanding is his wife is in about the same situation - she used to work for a private equity firm, hated the job, and quit, and now mostly makes money by doing Avon.

They own a house in Stratford. They made the mistake of buying right before the housing bubble burst. They have been steadily underwater since then, which meant despite their desires to move out of the state, they felt trapped. Now they bring in so little money they are in danger of losing the home.

Add to this a recent car issue, which takes money to fix they do not have. Also a newborn baby boy. His wife basically told him she can't deal with the stress any longer, and if something didn't change she was going to leave him and move in with her parents.

I told him that he shouldn't take all of this personally...stress hurts marriages, and Connecticut remains a high-cost area with relatively bad job prospects. I advised him that doing the same thing he has been doing will not have any better results, and if he wanted to save his marriage and his sanity, he needed to declare bankruptcy, ditch the house, and move out-of-state to somewhere with a better job market.

Thoughts?

[convextech]

In my opinion, he should dump the wife and let her go live with Mom & Pops. She's the one who's a quitter. She quit her job because she hated it, now she wants to quit the marriage because she hates it. Buh-bye. I bet he can afford the house & to fix the car if he wasn't dragging her dead weight around. He should then sell the house and move to a state with better job prospects.

[Csiko]

Originally Posted by convextech

In my opinion, he should dump the wife and let her go live with Mom & Pops. She's the one who's a quitter. She quit her job because she hated it, now she wants to quit the marriage because she hates it. Buh-bye. I bet he can afford the house & to fix the car if he wasn't dragging her dead weight around. He should then sell the house and move to a state with better job prospects.

This.

Also who the hell has a baby when they're already stressed out, their house is underwater and "trading down their jobs?" I can't even imagine the thought process.

They shouldn't declare bankruptcy, they should sell the house and move into something they can actually afford. And if he wants to keep her around, he should strongly consider either making her do real work or cutting his losses.

[LRPct]

Originally Posted by csiko

this.

Also who the hell has a baby when they're already stressed out, their house is underwater and "trading down their jobs?" i can't even imagine the thought process.

They shouldn't declare bankruptcy, they should sell the house and move into something they can actually afford. And if he wants to keep her around, he should strongly consider either making her do real work or cutting his losses.

Originally Posted by convextech

in my opinion, he should dump the wife and let her go live with mom & pops. She's the one who's a quitter. She quit her job because she hated it, now she wants to quit the marriage because she hates it. Buh-bye. I bet he can afford the house & to fix the car if he wasn't dragging her dead weight around. He should then sell the house and move to a state with better job prospects.

+1000

[DrPizza]

Originally Posted by convextech

in my opinion, he should dump the wife and let her go live with mom & pops. She's the one who's a quitter. She quit her job because she hated it, now she wants to quit the marriage because she hates it. Buh-bye. I bet he can afford the house & to fix the car if he wasn't dragging her dead weight around. He should then sell the house and move to a state with better job prospects.

Originally Posted by csiko

this.

Also who the hell has a baby when they're already stressed out, their house is underwater and "trading down their jobs?" i can't even imagine the thought process.

They shouldn't declare bankruptcy, they should sell the house and move into something they can actually afford. And if he wants to keep her around, he should strongly consider either making her do real work or cutting his losses.

x3

[eschaton]

How do you guys advocate selling a house they're already underwater on? Wouldn't that necessitate paying off the remaining mortgage upon sale with money they do not have?

[CTartist&musician]

Originally Posted by eschaton

Hey all,

I grew up in Connecticut, but moved away mostly after high school, and haven't lived there at all for nine years. One of my oldest friends called me up for advice today, as he was having a major life crisis, and I wanted to see what people who are still residents of the state think.

Essentially his life has been falling apart. Both he and his wife have been trading down in jobs for years. He initially had a couple good jobs, and kept trading upward. His career peaked a few years back, but he was commuting all the way to northern New Jersey since he couldn't find anything good in the state, and the commute was killing him. Since then he's worked a raft of temporary jobs, which increasingly haven't even required a college degree. He's desperate for something steady which pays at least $15 per hour. My understanding is his wife is in about the same situation - she used to work for a private equity firm, hated the job, and quit, and now mostly makes money by doing Avon.

They own a house in Stratford. They made the mistake of buying right before the housing bubble burst. They have been steadily underwater since then, which meant despite their desires to move out of the state, they felt trapped. Now they bring in so little money they are in danger of losing the home.

Add to this a recent car issue, which takes money to fix they do not have. Also a newborn baby boy. His wife basically told him she can't deal with the stress any longer, and if something didn't change she was going to leave him and move in with her parents.

I told him that he shouldn't take all of this personally...stress hurts marriages, and Connecticut remains a high-cost area with relatively bad job prospects. I advised him that doing the same thing he has been doing will not have any better results, and if he wanted to save his marriage and his sanity, he needed to declare bankruptcy, ditch the house, and move out-of-state to somewhere with a better job market.

Thoughts?

Please tell you friend that this IS NOT his fault. This is happening to many people in the state. The economy is truly abysmal here. It seem like your friend is young and newly married. The early stages of a marriage are very hard. I got married in good times in the 1980's and my husband and I were financially stable (2 very good jobs) and the first years were hard even still.

His story makes me think of my grandmother. She got married early in 1929. They bought a home, a new car and my grandmother was pregnant. Then the crash of 1929 came. My grandfather lost his job and thus they lost their home (to foreclosure), their car and had to move in with my grandmothers parents. They survived it all and they went on to live very good, productive and happy lives.

Here is a few thought for what they are worth. Can they (husband, wife and baby) move in with her parents on a temporary basis just to get themselves out of that stressful financial situation. I have a few friends that have done that within the past year. They are renting out their homes and having someone who could afford the home pay the mortgage. One of my friends is in the process of negotiating with the bank to lower the mortgage.

If they could just get a temporary stop gap measure to get themselves out of the stressful situation they might be able to figure out some logical next steps over the course of the next few years. Sometimes it is hard to make decisions when you are both under this kind of financial stress and pressure.

[convextech]

I meant after he kicks his scrub of a wife to the curb, and gets the payments caught up.

[chris410]

Originally Posted by convextech

In my opinion, he should dump the wife and let her go live with Mom & Pops. She's the one who's a quitter. She quit her job because she hated it, now she wants to quit the marriage because she hates it. Buh-bye. I bet he can afford the house & to fix the car if he wasn't dragging her dead weight around. He should then sell the house and move to a state with better job prospects.

Originally Posted by Csiko

This.

Also who the hell has a baby when they're already stressed out, their house is underwater and "trading down their jobs?" I can't even imagine the thought process.

They shouldn't declare bankruptcy, they should sell the house and move into something they can actually afford. And if he wants to keep her around, he should strongly consider either making her do real work or cutting his losses.

Originally Posted by LRPct

+1000

Originally Posted by DrPizza

x3

x5000!

[CTartist&musician]

Originally Posted by Csiko

This.

Also who the hell has a baby when they're already stressed out, their house is underwater and "trading down their jobs?" I can't even imagine the thought process.

They shouldn't declare bankruptcy, they should sell the house and move into something they can actually afford. And if he wants to keep her around, he should strongly consider either making her do real work or cutting his losses.

The house is underwater. They would have to short sale the house and most likely have to pay the bank back a substantial amount of money. That is why they are so stressed out, they don't have to many options when to comes to their house. I used to work in a bank doing mortgages so I understand their situation. They are certainly in a difficult situation. They are caught between a rock and a hard place right now as are so many people in this state.

Here are the options for the house:

1) Short Sale

2) Go into the bank, ask to speak with someone in the mortgage department. Toss the house keys on the his/hers desk, tell them you are walking away from the house, start playing hardball and tell them you need to negotiate the terms of the loan. (I would do that right now).

I don't think you realize how many houses in Fairfield County that are still in the pipeline for foreclosure, the banks do not want to take over anymore properties.

3) Bankruptcy (Avoid at all costs if possible, it is very hard to get new jobs with a bankruptcy on your record.)

4) Rent out the house and move in with her parents or a small inexpensive apartment until you can figure things out.