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Old 03-29-2011, 02:45 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,849 posts, read 32,239,080 times
Reputation: 22514

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When I met my husband I had always been thin. My husband is not overweight, but he has a definite food fixation. To him, food equals love. He is also very physically active.

When we first met I gained about 40 pounds in three months, partially due to my husband's eating habits and partially because I started taking Depo Provera which does cause weight gain.

I am not a big eater and I have never eaten breakfast in my life. Usually, I do not start getting hungry until about 3 pm. My husband on the other hand, eats a HUGE breakfast every morning and insists on making "something" for me which I eat more out of a sense of appreciation than anything. My husband really takes it personally if he cooks something for me and I am not THRILLED to eat it.

The same thing, essentially happens at lunch. He will fix himself some huge meal of two or three sandwiches with lots of side dishes (potato salad, cole slaw, chips, etc.,) and almost always fix one for me at the same time. Again, I will usually eat it because I have found that if I don't he will be offended and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I have told him nicely a thousand times that I really am not hungry in the morning and would really NOT eat a big breakfast and lunch, but to him doing this for me is an expression of love and he really cannot help himself.

The problem is that I am consuming way more calories than I need. This is one of the reasons that gained all that excess baggage when we first met. His world revolves around food.

Does anyone have any idea how I can handle this so that I don't hurt his feelings without ending up eating a couple of thousand calories more than I need on a daily basis?

any advice is appreciated.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 03-29-2011, 04:17 PM
 
Location: In a house
13,252 posts, read 39,428,307 times
Reputation: 20198
So, you knew when you met him he was like this, and you chose to allow him to woo you, and marry you, and live with you for however long you've been married so far. You've pretended to appreciate it, and however long it's been since this started, you're just now deciding that you don't want to continue your charade.

Is not hurting his feelings, more important than your health? Is lying to your husband to make him feel good, more important than being truthful? Are you not capable of handling this in a way that will let him know that you still love him, and care about him? Is he not capable of accepting a truth? Does he not care about your happiness? Do you not care about his health? Two to three sandwiches plus side salads and chips, for one meal? Is this guy like 7'8" and weighs 305 pounds, that he needs to be eating that kind of artery-clogging crap on a regular basis?

How about, you get up in the morning, and cook for HIM. And for yourself. You make it sound like there are only two possible choices: eat what he makes and pretend to love it, or not eat til 3PM. Maybe that's just what you want to believe; that those are the only choices. Hopefully, you know better. Hopefully, no one REALLY needs to be telling you that YOU can get into the kitchen and cook for HIM in the mornings, and share what -you- consider a healthy breakfast, with him.

Maybe he likes 4 eggs, 6 pancakes, 10 strips of bacon, and a side-dish of hash browns.

So maybe you can make him 3 eggs, 2 pancakes, 4 strips of bacon, and skip the potatos. And make yourself one egg, 1 pancake, 2 strips of bacon...and show him how much you love him by demonstrating that you know how to extract juice from an orange and pour it into a glass, without the pits.

Honestly though, this is a pretty ridiculous situation you've intentionally put yourself into. If you knew this from the beginning, that he defines love as food (which you have stated twice in your post you knew about), then why on earth did you waste his and your time by marrying him?
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Old 03-30-2011, 05:13 AM
 
Location: Back in Melbourne.....home of road rage and aggression
402 posts, read 1,056,896 times
Reputation: 522
Well, rather than gang up on 20years, and insist that it is strictly her fault and her fault alone, why not consider that her husband sounds like a bully of the passive-aggressive-with-bonus-emotional-blackmail kind of guy? With maybe a dash of control freak for zing?

That she's been forgiving and forgetting all this time doesn't make him any less at fault. Takes 2 to tango, you know. Sounds like he's got some serious emotional issues that are heavily tied into an eating disorder, or at least, disordered eating.

20years, you're going to have to go tough-love and just cut him off. It's hard to do, especially when you don't want to hurt their feelings, but the longer you keep bending to this behavior, the harder it will be for both of you to recover from the fallout. and you're not responsible for his feelings and how he chooses to allow them to be hurt. 'If you don't eat what I cook when I cook it, then it means you don't love me.' My God, what is he, 5? How long have you been married?

If he already knows your wishes but still asks, and you say , again, no thank you, yet he goes on to cook it anyway, then simply do not eat it, if you're not hungry. Or if you're just a little peckish but not famished, eat enough to be satisfied and leave the rest. If he gets his feelings hurt or feels that you don't love him, then that is his problem, and he should maybe seek some therapy for that. Because that is not normal, rational adult thinking. It's actually very childish, and even my 11 year old nephew would roll his eyes at him and ask, 'Why are you being such a baby?'. and he'd be right!

You are under no obligation to eat when you're not hungry. You are both fully capable of preparing your own meals and deciding when you're hungry,and when and if you will eat. His abject disrespect for your wishes and his possible control issue is as bad or maybe worse than your kowtowing to save his feelings. Although......you're doing yourself no favours, you know.

Good luck!
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Old 03-30-2011, 05:21 AM
 
Location: In a house
13,252 posts, read 39,428,307 times
Reputation: 20198
Yes, he's responsible for his part in the sitution. But she can't control his part in the situation. She can control her own part in the situation. And, her part, is that she knew the guy was like this when she met him, and chose to be with him anyway. She knew that whatever attempts to adjust the situation she made, would either fall on deaf ears or be met with hostility from her husband. And instead of telling him flat out "I do not eat like this" and then push her plate away and telling her husband to suck it up and accept that not everyone eats like he does, she went the passive-aggressive route of pretending to like it, putting up with it, encouraging it, then complaining when the results were a 40-pound weight gain.

Her husband didn't make her eat this food. She chose to eat it. She decided that her physical health took second place over hurting her husband's feelings. That was her decision. Yes, her husband sounds like a lout. But she knew that going into the relationship. Her *choice* to enter the relationship and stay in it and be married to her husband, was HER choice, and HER responsibility.
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Old 03-30-2011, 05:38 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,115 posts, read 7,716,112 times
Reputation: 3704
Wow! Such pessimistic responses to this post! And calling the husband a bully and a lout? Why?

My advice? Just eat half of what he makes for you! Or a third of it. Or whatever you consider to be an appropriate portion. And if he questions it, tell him you loved it, but you've eaten all you want and are no longer hungry.

Your husband loves food, and of course he wants to share that passion with you! So right now he's eating two or three sandwiches and you're eating one sandwich? Well you're already eating less than him, so it shouldn't be too hard to cut it back further and only eat half that sandwich. Right?

Honestly, I don't care how much someone eats when I cook for them - what I do care about is how enthusiastic they are about what they do eat!
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Old 03-30-2011, 06:04 AM
 
Location: In a house
13,252 posts, read 39,428,307 times
Reputation: 20198
Quote:
Originally Posted by bouncethelight View Post
Wow! Such pessimistic responses to this post! And calling the husband a bully and a lout? Why?

My advice? Just eat half of what he makes for you! Or a third of it. Or whatever you consider to be an appropriate portion. And if he questions it, tell him you loved it, but you've eaten all you want and are no longer hungry.

Your husband loves food, and of course he wants to share that passion with you! So right now he's eating two or three sandwiches and you're eating one sandwich? Well you're already eating less than him, so it shouldn't be too hard to cut it back further and only eat half that sandwich. Right?

Honestly, I don't care how much someone eats when I cook for them - what I do care about is how enthusiastic they are about what they do eat!
She's already posted that she has tried doing what you suggest, and he gets hostile or hurt feelings and equates love with food. So if she rejects any of what he feeds her, she claims he behaves as though she is rejecting his love. She's already explained why your idea doesn't work. She's tried that. He does not react the way you do. She isn't enthusiastic about what she eats. She doesn't WANT to eat in the morning. She only pretends to be enthusiastic because she fears her husband's reaction, which she has already tested and is proven to be unpleasant.

She wants to know how she can STOP pretending to be enthusiastic about something that really bothers her. I'm saying, that she will have to either suck it up and keep getting bigger while not hurting her husband's feelings, OR she'll have to hurt his feelings and accept that his feelings are hurt.

IF, what she claims about her husband's reaction to her dislike of breakfast, is true, THEN she has to accept it, and deal with it. She can't change HIS reaction. She can only change her approach.
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:07 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,115 posts, read 7,716,112 times
Reputation: 3704
Actually AnonChick, she didn't explain some of the things you claim in her first post. I don't see anywhere that she says she's tried just eating half?
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:29 AM
 
Location: In a house
13,252 posts, read 39,428,307 times
Reputation: 20198
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
(snip) ... My husband really takes it personally if he cooks something for me and I am not THRILLED to eat it.

The same thing, essentially happens at lunch. He will fix himself some huge meal of two or three sandwiches with lots of side dishes (potato salad, cole slaw, chips, etc.,) and almost always fix one for me at the same time. Again, I will usually eat it because I have found that if I don't he will be offended and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I have told him nicely a thousand times that I really am not hungry in the morning and would really NOT eat a big breakfast and lunch, but to him doing this for me is an expression of love and he really cannot help himself.

(snip)
I don't need for branson to state things in numbered outline, to understand what she's saying. She's saying she's tried being nice, she's tried not eating the full amount, she's tried declining the food, she's tried expressing to her husband that she just isn't that hungry. She has expressed to us, that he either gets offended, or has hurt feelings, and that he equates love with food, and a rejection of food as a rejection of her love for him. That IS a hostile situation. Hostility doesn't necessitate violence. She is living her life out of fear of her husband's reactions, rather than out of genuine pleasure of his company. She is choosing to do this, because she knew he was like this before she married him, and she married him anyway.
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:21 AM
 
15,477 posts, read 18,173,792 times
Reputation: 25754
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
When I met my husband I had always been thin. My husband is not overweight, but he has a definite food fixation. To him, food equals love. He is also very physically active.

When we first met I gained about 40 pounds in three months, partially due to my husband's eating habits and partially because I started taking Depo Provera which does cause weight gain.

I am not a big eater and I have never eaten breakfast in my life. Usually, I do not start getting hungry until about 3 pm. My husband on the other hand, eats a HUGE breakfast every morning and insists on making "something" for me which I eat more out of a sense of appreciation than anything. My husband really takes it personally if he cooks something for me and I am not THRILLED to eat it.

The same thing, essentially happens at lunch. He will fix himself some huge meal of two or three sandwiches with lots of side dishes (potato salad, cole slaw, chips, etc.,) and almost always fix one for me at the same time. Again, I will usually eat it because I have found that if I don't he will be offended and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I have told him nicely a thousand times that I really am not hungry in the morning and would really NOT eat a big breakfast and lunch, but to him doing this for me is an expression of love and he really cannot help himself.

The problem is that I am consuming way more calories than I need. This is one of the reasons that gained all that excess baggage when we first met. His world revolves around food.

Does anyone have any idea how I can handle this so that I don't hurt his feelings without ending up eating a couple of thousand calories more than I need on a daily basis?

any advice is appreciated.

20yrsinBranson
Just don't eat it if you're not hungry. Tell him what you've said here, that you've been eating to please him for years, it's caused you to gain weight and you're not going to do it anymore. When he fixes you a big meal, say, "I love you, but I'm not hungry and I'm not going to eat this" and then throw it away. He should get the message and if he doesn't, just keep throwing the food away til he does. If you're clear about what you're going to do, he can't blame you for hurting his feelings.
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Old 03-30-2011, 09:10 AM
 
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,977 posts, read 31,247,943 times
Reputation: 10491
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Does anyone have any idea how I can handle this so that I don't hurt his feelings without ending up eating a couple of thousand calories more than I need on a daily basis?

any advice is appreciated.

20yrsinBranson
Hmmmmm. Choosing between the spouse's feelings and my health/arteries is a VERY easy decision for me.

This is a classic you-need-to-be-open-and-honest communication issues between husband and wife. I think he will eventually get the point. Heck, I told my wife that her giving me oral sex everyday is an expression of love, and that it hurts my feelings if she doesnt do it. I eventually got over it and Im sure your husband will eventually get over his thing as well. You just need to be open, honest, direct and not dance around eggshells when you tell him. Make it totally clear that you choose your health first and foremost over eating all that food.
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