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Old 10-22-2010, 11:15 AM
 
8,582 posts, read 14,435,212 times
Reputation: 11291

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If I loan $ and then see that person spending on "extras" I soon start to resent the things they buy and I judge the way they spend their money.

If they have not paid me back , is it fair to question them on why they are
vacationing or buying things that could wait?

What do you tell adult kids that are always strapped for money but
won't save for unexpected things??

DH is a sucker for the sob stories about the car repair or a medical bill.
I think we should not buy something that can wait if we don't have an emergency fund saved up.
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Old 10-22-2010, 11:50 AM
 
28,461 posts, read 76,383,298 times
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Default In some ways tough, others easy...

I am not perfect. I know that everyone says "never lend to family / friends". I have done so, and to a responsible person, with fully executed legal documents, who otherwise would have had to pay a much higher rate, and was happy to give me a bit more interest than I could have gotten on my funds, things worked out fine.

I have also been 'burned' by parties that were not responsible, did not treat the transaction as a business-like endeavor and initially disappointed me. I did not want to escalate, but I decided I would level with them. I told them in an unemotional way that I did not really care happened with the loan, I could right it off as a 'gift' to them and do everything to legally ensure they treated it as such (which frankly ain't much...) but that would leave me feeling badly about the money and ultimately would make it for me to respect their decisions ever again. They came around and paid up and I think they even realized that "second chances" are damned hard to get when it comes with money and I would like to think they have learned something from that as whe I see them now things seem a helluva lot chaotic which leads be believe they have a better handle on how to use (avoid needing) commercial loans...

You cannot preach to kids about money, you have got live it. If they see how you save, budget, pay things off, celebrate living with in your means they will largely "get it". And conversely if you do not do those things, even if the only thing you 'splurge on' is 'for them' odds are they will basically become deadbeats. I don't mean they'll live in the gutter like a wino, but they will not treat their commitments to pay off bills seriously, they will look for ways to screw the companies and individually that advance them credit and they will not live within their means.

Seen this many times, even with family / cousins. It is a sore point with some, as they had boom times once, when it took lots of people to do certain jobs, and now they have little to show for their work that those same jobs are done by a fraction of people...

I have to say I know the stress this can cause too, as my wife and I have real similar values about money (both or our parents had horrible memories of the 20s and 30s growing in Chicago) but others that are younger have very different ideas than their spouses. I've seen this contribute to a break down / divorce in more than a few cases...

You got to hammer out stuff with spouse first, behind closed doors. Both of you have got to get on the same page, or at least general "chapter" before you can deal with others. I hate to be dramatic, but I have heard some counselors and advisors say this is not unlike bringing a third person into your bed. I guess for some folks they into the "3'way" or swingers life style, but for me I have much more one-on-one tastes...
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:26 PM
 
Location: San Diego California
6,797 posts, read 6,647,547 times
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My rule of thumb is to never lend anymore than you are willing to write off. Chances are you will never see it again, so consider it a gift, and if you do get paid back, that is great but you are not counting on it.
Keep in mind also that you are doing no one a favor by lending them money. You are simply enabling them to behave irresponsibly, and believe someone else will bail them out.
It is impossible to borrow without sacrificing some of your pride and dignity in the process. That is why often people find it easy to have amnesia when they owe others.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:02 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,365 posts, read 4,089,948 times
Reputation: 2752
Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
If I loan $ and then see that person spending on "extras" I soon start to resent the things they buy and I judge the way they spend their money.

If they have not paid me back , is it fair to question them on why they are
vacationing or buying things that could wait?

What do you tell adult kids that are always strapped for money but
won't save for unexpected things??

DH is a sucker for the sob stories about the car repair or a medical bill.
I think we should not buy something that can wait if we don't have an emergency fund saved up.
If I lend money to anyone I normally do not ask how they are going to use the money. If I lend it and see that they wasted it or used it unwisely and they do pay it as agreed then it is time for me not to lend money anymore, bottom line, take care.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:11 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX, USA
5,142 posts, read 12,005,556 times
Reputation: 2507
Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post

What do you tell adult kids that are always strapped for money but
won't save for unexpected things??
The dreaded B word: Budget!
If they want your help, it will be in the form of helping them to create a budget.
If they have never asked before and you have the money and don't mind losing it if it doesn't get paid back, sure.
If its a repeating cycle every month or couple of months, then it starts to become habit and way too easy to look for the parent as a helping hand.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:33 PM
 
Location: Shelby County
279 posts, read 919,038 times
Reputation: 262
It can be hard to say no to people who are close to you. I had a good friend and coworker that I worked with and he quit. A few months later, he called me asking if he could borrow a couple hundred dollars for rent and pay me back later. He really laid it on thick. I politely declined because I knew he would never pay me back. I pretty much lied to him saying that I am current on my bills, but I don't have any extra money lying around.

Would I lend to an immediate family member? As stated above, I would lend an amount that I wouldn't worry about if it couldn't be paid back. If they didn't pay me back, I sure wouldn't lend money again.
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Old 11-03-2010, 10:49 PM
 
3,770 posts, read 5,931,606 times
Reputation: 3003
Here's a big secret. Almost all the time, the people who ask to borrow money, need to borrow money because they won't budget and save. They are often debtaholics compulsively getting into debt and spending on things they don't need. Do you think people like this, will all of a sudden change and budget and save and pass up on the fun and shiny things, so that they can pay you back? Most likely not. You'd do better by burning a wad of cash. At least you wouldn't feel used. If you absolutely must bail someone out because their sob story is just that bad, they make them first wash your car, do your laundry, paint a couple rooms in your house, do yard work for $10 or $15 and hour. Maybe their "emergency" will go away.
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Old 11-03-2010, 11:15 PM
 
Location: CA
2,464 posts, read 6,041,709 times
Reputation: 2631
I have a rule - don't lend money to family or friends. Now, if they want, they can WORK for the money. I had my brother paint my hallway and living room ceiling for $200 bucks. I can assure you, if anyone wants money, make 'em work for it and I doubt they'll be asking you to "borrow" money again. Want $2000? Okay, I have a cobble stone paver patio that I want to put down in my yard...
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