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Does money just naturally bring out the worst in people? I always thought my family was pretty close and we (myself and older brother and sister) have struggled through my parents losing their health and dying this past year. They lived very long lives but I really miss them. Finding this to be a hard transition.
Now, we are settling their estate. Brother (call him "Joe") is executor of the estate. Sister did a LOT to help my parents as they lived nearby in assisted living then moved to the nursing home section. Brother and I tried to go there on weekends and visit, help out parents but she got the brunt.
Joe, the executor, borrowed money from Mom & Dad years ago (for his mortgage, etc.) and always agreed - just verbally - that he would pay it back to his sisters. He had no problem asking them to pay for stuff - his kid's college education, even his son's rent during college. Sister and I just didn't ask them for things, believing that it's better just to take care of yourself.
As to the debt it is about $36K. So, he paid half of this to me and half to sister and all other funds were split 3 ways.
Then, on advice of his tax guy he tells us he should get $12K of this money back as "his third". Sister and I are pretty dubious about it, but the financial place the estate is held at said this is legal but "we have to agree to this." If anyone deserved extra $ it is my sister!
Joe is very angry that we don't immediately trust him and question this deal. Is very upset but then talks about how easy it would have been to cheat us about the debt. Then has the nerve to say, "Mom and Dad would have been very disappointed at how you are acting." Pretty funny that he is playing the guilt card!
I feel just sick that things have come to this, fighting over money. Sister and I decided just to let him have it. I don't think the money is worth ruining the relationship but obviously he doesn't feel the same.
Anyone have a similar experience? Thoughts, ideas? The money is a done deal but I don't know how to relate to Joe. He turned out to be someone I don't know.
Depends on the people involved form what I have seen. I know a relative of my wife who just told the law to exclude her from a million+ estate whenhen her mother died. She said and it happened that they all are fighting over it.
Does money just naturally bring out the worst in people?
Generally yes.
Quote:
Sister and I decided just to let him have it. I don't think the money is worth ruining the relationship but obviously he doesn't feel the same.
Anyone have a similar experience? Thoughts, ideas? The money is a done deal but I don't know how to relate to Joe. He turned out to be someone I don't know.
And that's the problem - regardless of the financial details, the relationship has already been spoiled. You're never going to feel the same way about your brother as you did before your parents died and his greedy side was finally clearly unmasked.
Sorry you're having to go through this. At least you can still have a close relationship with your non-greedy sister.
Does money just naturally bring out the worst in people? I always thought my family was pretty close and we (myself and older brother and sister) have struggled through my parents losing their health and dying this past year. They lived very long lives but I really miss them. Finding this to be a hard transition.
Now, we are settling their estate. Brother (call him "Joe") is executor of the estate. Sister did a LOT to help my parents as they lived nearby in assisted living then moved to the nursing home section. Brother and I tried to go there on weekends and visit, help out parents but she got the brunt.
Joe, the executor, borrowed money from Mom & Dad years ago (for his mortgage, etc.) and always agreed - just verbally - that he would pay it back to his sisters. He had no problem asking them to pay for stuff - his kid's college education, even his son's rent during college. Sister and I just didn't ask them for things, believing that it's better just to take care of yourself.
As to the debt it is about $36K. So, he paid half of this to me and half to sister and all other funds were split 3 ways.
Then, on advice of his tax guy he tells us he should get $12K of this money back as "his third". Sister and I are pretty dubious about it, but the financial place the estate is held at said this is legal but "we have to agree to this." If anyone deserved extra $ it is my sister!
Joe is very angry that we don't immediately trust him and question this deal. Is very upset but then talks about how easy it would have been to cheat us about the debt. Then has the nerve to say, "Mom and Dad would have been very disappointed at how you are acting." Pretty funny that he is playing the guilt card!
I feel just sick that things have come to this, fighting over money. Sister and I decided just to let him have it. I don't think the money is worth ruining the relationship but obviously he doesn't feel the same.
Anyone have a similar experience? Thoughts, ideas? The money is a done deal but I don't know how to relate to Joe. He turned out to be someone I don't know.
Your Brother's tax guy is correct.
Think of it this way. The debt that your brother had was to your parents, and to the estate after they died. He properly should have repaid the estate. Had he done that, and then the estate was divided three ways, you, your brother and sister would each get $12,000. Since you and your sister each got $18,000, you both got $6,000 too much, and your brother got $12,000 too little.
IANAL, but I'm pretty sure that he can legally compel you and your sister to make that restitution. But it shouldn't come to that. Do the right thing.
Edited to add: Joe is not the bad guy here. I don't think you and your sister are either (as I believe it was all unintentional), but under the original distribution, Joe got the short end of the stick unfairly.
And that's the problem - regardless of the financial details, the relationship has already been spoiled. You're never going to feel the same way about your brother as you did before your parents died and his greedy side was finally clearly unmasked.
Sorry you're having to go through this. At least you can still have a close relationship with your non-greedy sister.
Go back and re-read the original post. He certainly was - there's a pattern there over the course of the parents' lives of hitting them up for money in ways his sisters did not do. He'd already gotten far more from his parents (while they were alive) then he was entitled to.
That's why he was making such a stink over what is objectively a pretty small sum of money.
Go back and re-read the original post. He certainly was - there's a pattern there over the course of the parents' lives of hitting them up for money in ways his sisters did not do. He'd already gotten far more from his parents (while they were alive) then he was entitled to.
That's why he was making such a stink over what is objectively a pretty small sum of money.
I don't know, like TaxPhd said, technically 1/3rd of that should have gone to him anyway. He was probably thinking: did they feel they deserved his share of the $36k because they did more for their parents or that he hit up the parents for too much money? I'd be kinda pissed too if I was in his shoes. He could've been greedy and not paid the debt at all.
Think of it this way. The debt that your brother had was to your parents, and to the estate after they died. He properly should have repaid the estate. Had he done that, and then the estate was divided three ways, you, your brother and sister would each get $12,000. Since you and your sister each got $18,000, you both got $6,000 too much, and your brother got $12,000 too little.
IANAL, but I'm pretty sure that he can legally compel you and your sister to make that restitution. But it shouldn't come to that. Do the right thing.
Edited to add: Joe is not the bad guy here. I don't think you and your sister are either (as I believe it was all unintentional), but under the original distribution, Joe got the short end of the stick unfairly.
This. He should have paid the estate back, and then his third would have been credited to him.
Like you say, I think the bad math is unintentional on everyone's part and there are no bad guys. But if the two other siblings don't pay up, Joe will be justified in thinking THEY are the bad guys.
Go back and re-read the original post. He certainly was - there's a pattern there over the course of the parents' lives of hitting them up for money in ways his sisters did not do. He'd already gotten far more from his parents (while they were alive) then he was entitled to.
That's why he was making such a stink over what is objectively a pretty small sum of money.
While the parents were alive, they can do anything they want with their money, even if one sibling gets more than another. Is it fair? Doesn't matter - it's the parent's money to do with as they please.
Entitled to? Again, parents can do with their money as they see fit. If Joe got more while parents were alive, so what? Apparently, that is what the parents wanted to do with THEIR money.
The corrected distribution is correct. If the OP believes that her sister, the caregiver, deserves a larger share of the estate, there is nothing that precludes her and "Joe" from giving her more and there is no need for them to do so equally. Perhaps putting one's money where one's mouth is would be a liberating experience.
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