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Old 03-30-2008, 12:18 PM
 
23,559 posts, read 70,103,761 times
Reputation: 49082

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Quote:
Originally Posted by hatingmybrother View Post
harry chickpea it is interesting how you are so focused on the emotional working of my family. You rephrase my statements into pointed questions in a defensive manner. I dont know you are you in the legal world used to finding points of conflict?

I came here not for any emotional support or insight. My family is what it is. I love my mother. My brother lives closer to her provides day to day support which I cant. Proximity is the rule here. She has told me that he expects more than I do. My mother doesnt have a lot she still works her medical needs will increase as time passes. She knows she will need to use whatever money she has to take care of herself and she is planning for that. The issue here is that no matter what a will says or if there is a trust these are legal documents that can be contested. She has seen this happen to close friends. She knows that when the time came my brother will do what he can to take what he feels is due him even if the documents say otherwise. That is the type of person he is. He feels that all the things that happened to him are other peoples fault. My mother isnt going to try to change him at his age she has decided to just work around it knowing him. She loves him and me equally. He doesn't see that and refuses to let me have equal standing. He is a very defensive person. My mother told us to have a sit down to talk about issues openly and he refused. He doesnt have time. I am not interested in changing him. My mother isnt either. I know how my mother feels about me and I am OK with that.

So mr harry chickpea do you have a family that does all the things you are telling me to do? I wont believe you even if you say you do. EVERY FAMILY IS DYSFUNCTIONAL, and if you cant admit that, then seek counselling. If I wanted relationship advice, I would have picked a different forum.

I came here for advice on an insurance issue not family issues. I cant believe that anyone would assume the worst of me because I asked a simple question. I always look for the good in people. I forget that not everyone does that. They cant respond without letting their own internal emotions get in the way.

Im sorry, I was hoping we didnt have to go here. I just had a simple question and now I have bruises. I am not looking for more adversity just friendly advice. Is that possile here???????????????
You seem to be under the mistaken impression that I am injuring you somehow. I regret that you feel that way, and would have hoped that you would have read my advice in a more detached manner.

You stated that a will or trust is not important, that it can be contested. You are correct that wills and trusts can be contested, but incorrect in thinking that because of that they are unimportant. Again, I am NOT singling you out for derision or trying to hurt you, merely pointing out what I see as pitfalls. I can do that by being up-front, and even provocative, but I cannot do that effectively while simultaneously catering to your desire for me to be supportive of what I know from similar past experience to be wrong-thinking.

As is apparent that my advice is troubling to you, I will cease, and merely say that I do wish you the best, and hope that you can have the best outcome possible.
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Old 03-30-2008, 03:02 PM
 
Location: NJ/SC
4,343 posts, read 14,750,963 times
Reputation: 2729
Quote:
Originally Posted by hatingmybrother View Post
Thank you Rapture. I am happy you werent trying to crucify me. I appreciate it.
I REALLY know where you're coming from and I didn't think bad of you at all. My situation was an incredible story and I asked for advice once and people were quick to judge and didn't understand where I was coming from. I think it's hard on the internet for people to grasp the whole situation unless they hear the whole story and know the person writing it (which is not the case). I've posted a couple thimgs on here over the past couple years and was shocked by the responses because it was so opposite of who I am and what I'm about. Obviously it's because that's how they think, not me. If you know what I mean.

Anyway, back on topic....

My mother has an insurance policy with only my name on it but she has no will. I haven't brought it up because it is a touchy subject and she remarried a few years ago and honestly, I don't know if he has any rights to it. Of course, like yours my story has a lot more to it but I'm going to talk to her soon about it. I've learned from past experiences this stuff has to get out in the open for everyone that's involved. I don't know much about insurance but I would guess your mom can just call a couple different companies and ask them how you can be named the sole beneficiary of the policy w/o your brother touching it in any way. She can then just give you a copy of the policy and I don't know how he would even know about it. I just hope this doesn't create a larger wedge in your relationship with him but again, we all don't know the whole story and maybe you don't care to have a relationship with him anyway.
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Old 03-30-2008, 09:55 PM
 
10,113 posts, read 10,937,626 times
Reputation: 8596
My mother passed away first and according to her will everything went to my dad. My dad was fair with mother's personal things and we all knew who she wanted to have her rings, Bible, coin collection.

After her death, my dad planned and paid for his funeral and bless his heart that is the way to go. No problems whatsoever even down to what he was to wear, pallbearers, music, it was so easy on the family.

Dad had given me some papers after my mother died to put away and open when he was gone (sounds morbid but it's not.) He lived five years after my mom passed. His funeral was paid for, his hospital stay was paid for and the homeplace was to be sold and split between the grandchildren. Brother-in-law was administrator of the estate which was agreed upon long before my mom died. Anyway the estate and will went through probate and everything was settled within a year.

I had forgotten about the envelope with papers my dad had given me and wandered upon it a good six months after everything was settled. Inside was a paid up life insurance policy on my dad with me as the beneficiary. I had to submit the policy along with a copy of his death certificate and not a soul was aware of this but me and my dad. He left me a note with the policy asking me to keep this between the two of us. Whose to say he didn't do the same thing for my brother and sister? I do not know as I've never mentioned the insurance policy.

I do know your mother can take out a life insurance policy and name you as the beneficiary. Even if your brother is administrator or executor it won't matter the insurance policy proceeds will belong to you as beneficiary. All you will need is the policy and a death certificate. Your mother does need a will. You die "intestate" without a will and the state/county takes over.

I hope you have your mother for many many many more years because I learned home was not home without my mom and dad there. It was just a empty house without the two people I loved so dearly.

Hubby and I had our wills drawn up when our children were born to be sure they would be raised like we wanted and by whom in case anything happened to us. The children are grown and gone now and we have added codicils which amends the will. It's a good thing to have.
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Old 03-30-2008, 10:56 PM
 
Location: Happy wherever I am - Florida now
3,360 posts, read 12,241,338 times
Reputation: 3907
It is possible to buy an insurance policy on your mother's life and written so that you are the 'owner' of the policy as well as the beneficiary with your mother's cooperation. The owner, whoever it may be, of a policy has the right to designate the beneficiary and can change it at any time. This would also keep the transaction out of the estate. I would suggest if you choose this course of action that you also pay the premiums.

This is different than one written on her with her also as the owner and you and your brother (jointly) being the beneficiary. However, if she chooses as the owner of a policy written on her life she can specify the percentage of the benefit to go to each of you which would negate any problems too.
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Old 04-03-2008, 09:51 AM
 
164 posts, read 516,008 times
Reputation: 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by hatingmybrother View Post
harry chickpea it is interesting how you are so focused on the emotional working of my family. You rephrase my statements into pointed questions in a defensive manner. I dont know you are you in the legal world used to finding points of conflict?

I came here for advice on an insurance issue not family issues.

I am not looking for more adversity just friendly advice. Is that possile here???????????????
Geese! Harry Chickpea gave you really, really good advice. Especially the part about hiring a lawyer and paying the fee for your mom, then staying out of the picture completely. Don't even ask her who gets what. Then your brother can't accuse you of trying to influence your mother too much.

It's HER money, she can spend every penny if she wants. If you and your siblings are all adults, you can fend for yourselves. She can also leave it to whomever she wants. My brother and I told my mother before she died of cancer to spend all her money and enjoy it...she earned it. She died without a will because she didn't want to deal with a lawyer. Unfortunately, I had to handle all that stuff, pay her taxes etc. etc...it was a nightmare but I'm glad my mother wasn't pressured by anyone to do anything.

Actually, I've heard a living trust is better than a will. In the state of California, an estate with a will still needs to go through probate court and can still be contested. I think you also avoid a lot of inheritance taxes that way. I couldn't tell you how to set up a living trust, though. Read Harry's advice about contacting a lawyer to explain it all to your mother.

If you don't like the advice, that's fine. Contact a reputable financial adviser or a laywer in your area, they'll know your state's laws. You'd be surprised how variable the laws can be between states.
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