Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I wouldn't really consider what they did so much as bullying, but he was always giving me $hit about something stupid, any who I saw him at the local pub with my cousin, then he said he was sorry for being ***** hole to me etc...
Although, I wasn't actually bullied, children from the country were discriminated against by children who lived in the city. At our 40th high school reunion several of the "city kids" were very friendly towards me and even asked me to be in a picture with them. I complied, but in the back of my mind I was thinking that it would probably end up on someone's facebook page with a mean comment next to it.
That was 40 years after high school ended but old fears die hard.
At my brother's 40th HS reunion one of the "In Crowd" girls tried to talk to one of the "Outsiders". He told her very bluntly, "You never ONCE spoke to me in high school, why should I talk to you now?" and walked away. She was stunned. My brother said that quite a few people wished that they had the guts to tell her the same thing!
It is very rare for a person to apologize just out of the blue, for altruistic reasons. If somebody apologizes to you, it is almost always because they want something from you and need to be on your good side to get it. Yes, in some cases, it might be simple friendship after years of maturing has taken place and there is genuine change and remorse. If I met someone at a reunion who had bullied me, I would simply assume that we both had moved on to become who we are now, and there would be no need to reference any childhood slights. I sure as hell don't want to be held to account for my socialization development when I was 15 years old.
In fact, even the words "I'm sorry" seem to just be an empty acknowledgement, like "How are you?" and "I'm fine, thanks". It's not because you are truly sorry, but because the circumstances call for some kind of acknowledgement of some slight, real or imagined, to facilitate moving on to the next order of relationship-building, or at least momentary civility, if and when a relationship needs to be built at all.
I would suspect some kind of a grave pathology at work, in the mind of anyone who felt a need to search Facebook for a list of people to apologize to decades after the fact. Or I would assume that they still needed me for their own selfish purposes of ego-boosting.
Even so, how productive will an apology be? Will it actually erase what happened to the bullied kid (assuming now they're adults)? Will the bully automatically become a great, moral person in the bullied person's eyes?
Who would want to be reminded of a terrible memory anyway? If I were to have had a bully, I would rather them talk to me in the present and do what they're doing to the OP than throw me back an ages old apology and reminder of what I would obviously wanted to forget in the first place?
Seriously if they search me online just to apologize, I think my reply would be something like ''Why are you even apologizing?'' or ''Why are you reminding me of what I've long forgotten''?
It is very rare for a person to apologize just out of the blue, for altruistic reasons. If somebody apologizes to you, it is almost always because they want something from you and need to be on your good side to get it. Yes, in some cases, it might be simple friendship after years of maturing has taken place and there is genuine change and remorse. If I met someone at a reunion who had bullied me, I would simply assume that we both had moved on to become who we are now, and there would be no need to reference any childhood slights. I sure as hell don't want to be held to account for my socialization development when I was 15 years old.
In fact, even the words "I'm sorry" seem to just be an empty acknowledgement, like "How are you?" and "I'm fine, thanks". It's not because you are truly sorry, but because the circumstances call for some kind of acknowledgement of some slight, real or imagined, to facilitate moving on to the next order of relationship-building, or at least momentary civility, if and when a relationship needs to be built at all.
I would suspect some kind of a grave pathology at work, in the mind of anyone who felt a need to search Facebook for a list of people to apologize to decades after the fact. Or I would assume that they still needed me for their own selfish purposes of ego-boosting.
I was never a bully, however there is an incident in my life that I deeply regret. Back 40 years ago in my college days, I spoke rashly & rudely and very out of character to someone.
Although, I do not dwell on this situation if there were any way that I could contact the person involved and apologize I would. Yes, it would be for a selfish purpose of making me feel a little better but perhaps it would make them feel better, too. However, since it involved a stranger there is absolutely no way to apologize or give a background to them of why I said what I said. I have no idea if my comments even bothered them, after the initial reaction. However, I am a good person and it still bothers me that I spoke that rudely & carelessly to someone else.
I don't think that it is a "grave pathology at work" for me to every year or two (or three) think of that situation and wish that i could apologize. But, perhaps I'm wrong.
I was never a bully, however there is an incident in my life that I deeply regret. Back 40 years ago in my college days, I spoke rashly & rudely and very out of character to someone.
Although, I do not dwell on this situation if there were any way that I could contact the person involved and apologize I would. Yes, it would be for a selfish purpose of making me feel a little better but perhaps it would make them feel better, too. However, since it involved a stranger there is absolutely no way to apologize or give a background to them of why I said what I said. I have no idea if my comments even bothered them, after the initial reaction. However, I am a good person and it still bothers me that I spoke that rudely & carelessly to someone else.
I don't think that it is a "grave pathology at work" for me to every year or two (or three) think of that situation and wish that i could apologize. But, perhaps I'm wrong.
Interestingly, I was thinking the same thing about myself, as I was writing my comment, and you described my feelings almost exactly. I am bothered by an incident or two in my early years in which I behaved in a way I wish I could undo. But as you said, it is something that only crosses my mind occasionally, the person in question wouldn't even remember me because I was one of many. The "grave pathology" would be the person who is being eaten from within, and has a central focus of resolving all these past offenses.
9TH grade....I was in the school cafateria emptying my tray into the trash when I hear "You...get over here!!"....I look over and its the one of the worst kids in a school that had a lot of bad kids. This kid was a junior and his nickname was "Roach" and he had tattoo's and this was before it was a fad.
Anyway I walk over and he's sitting there with his legs up on a chair like he owned the place and says to me "I want you to take this napkin and throw it in that trash can over there". He points to a garbage can on the other side of the cafateria. He then rips up the napkin into like a 100 pieces. So I go to grab the napkin and he grabs my arm and says "One piece at a time". So I take a piece and walk over to the garbage can a throw it away then I ducked out a door and did not return.
So now I'm hearing from other kids that Roach is after me. This was around May. So now I manage to avoid him the rest of the school year. I'm looking over my shoulder the whole summer. Now its around December and I let my guard down. I'm walking home through a park all of a sudden Roach pops out from behind a Soldier statue and gets me in a bear hug. I managed to break free but he grabbed me again and I could not get loose. It's about 5:00 PM here in Jersey and its pitch black already and the park is empty.
Now he's telling me I'm dead because of the napkin and that my life is over. But he's not doing anything except holding me there. So finally after about 20 minutes that seemed like 10 hours he lets me go and gives me one of those "I got my eye on you kid" threats.
10 years later I run into him on a construction job and he's in my crew. I did not aknowledge him. But this time I'm a pusher (sort of like a foreman) and were doing a demo job. So of course I'm giving him all hard stuff. Then one morning I give him a really nasty job and he looks me right in the eye and says "Is this because of the napkin thing? Come on that was 50 years ago!" I smiled and we both laughed.
We then became friends and even went out for drinks a few times after work. He turned out to be a pretty good guy who did a lot of charity work.
I've had mixed experiences. I bumped into one woman who used to pick on me in high school, she was a cashier at walmart and I was in her line. As she rung me out she kept asking things like "Rembember how UGLY you were, LOL, remember how we used to kick you on the bus?". I was a little taken aback, infact I kind of ran out to my car with my heart pounding because I allowed myself to revert back to that little picked on girl. Now mind you this was a good five to six years AFTER high school. I should have shut her down.
You should've asked her "so how are you liking the minimum-wage job these days? Is it the distant past that keeps you entertained now?"
This may be my experience, but I have never seen nor can see any reason as to why someone would apologize.
I was one of the few brown kids in a predominately white school. I got picked on a lot sometimes it was because of race. Despite this I persevered earning good grades, getting into a university and now have a job lined up.
I thought it was time to bury the hatched, you know let it go. But I can not bring myself to forget it and become friends with them. Every time I try I think this is why they did it in the first place, because I was too soft. I am willing to forget, they are not.
The bully may forget, even deny it. But we should not forget it, is too selfish to ask for justice? The fact it was done 5, 10, 15 years ago does that make it less heinous?
Try being a minority in a school that had to be force integrated by the courts a mere two years before - you very quickly become an expert is the lesser qualities of some of your fellow man. Time heals so many things, but only if you let it. I long ago made it my policy that life is short, I have been incredibly blessed, and the pain inflicted by the words of others have created a compassion in me I could have gained in no other way, so I am willing to forgive anyone who truly means it. I believe people can grow and change and I am willing to accept the newer, better version of them.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Never apologize
