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Curious about solutions to a problem we're experiencing with our oldest daughter (age 11). I posted here a year or so ago about deciding to send her to a prep school some distance away to get a more challenging education. She came from a Montessori background (prek - 3rd grade) and then we cyberschooled her with a state public cyber school for 4th and 5th grades and she started this prep school in sixth grade.
Here's the thing -- we knew she would be slammed at the beginning, because the expectations and homework load were immense compared with anything she had ever known. And she was. She would spend easily four hours a night on the homework at first, mostly math, where she was probably a grade level behind. She would cry in frustration and simply did not get the concepts. She ended up that first marking period with a D in math -- despite having an A in class participation. She tried So. Hard.
In contrast, in the rest of her grades, she had straight As except for a B+ in Chinese.
Subsequent to the first report card, and ever since, she has gone to the math teacher for thrice-weekly help during the scheduled study period. Math is her favorite subject. She LOVES the teacher. She is challenged, she finds the teacher just plain fun, she gets a charge out of the class. She is pulling a B in math this final marking period. Huzzah!
BUT. She has stopped trying as hard in her other classes.
It's almost like she went in being terrified of not being up to snuff, and worked extra hard at first, then got the report card and realized she could do it, and slacked off.
My daughter can be lazy, like a lot of kids her age. She will do well if she wants to, but if she isn't motivated, she will phone it in. She knows she is smart, and she seems to have an unerring instinct for doing just enough to get by and not stand out. She routinely gets As in English without trying. That's her strong suit. And maybe at another school she could do the same in the other classes and get away with it. But here she's graded on homework, class participation, quizzes and tests, and lack of studying shows in myriad ways, and she's getting called on it. She is now getting Cs in social studies, science and Chinese. She is not a C-student.
Is there a way to get her to realize that slacking off is harmful? I think it is, even at this age, because this is where study habits are formed. She's already putting off projects until the night before (we've all been there) -- and while I don't want to helicopter parent, I think it would be good to impress upon her that just because she's smart, she doesn't get a pass.
Welcome to middle school! A lot of kids at this age do this kind of thing. They are trying to work out how to prioritize their time and efforts. They also have multiple teachers for the first time and they haven't learned yet to separate how they deal with the subject matter from their feelings about the teacher. I've had students who should have all A's show up with an F in one of their classes simply because they don't like that teacher. It is during middle school that they should start switching from performance based on wanting to please the teacher to wanting to achieve goals for themselves. Most usually have it worked out by mid 8th or 9th grade. Fortunately middle school grades don't matter. Have a policy for what happens if she gets below a C or is missing work, emphasize your family's expectations, and keep in mind there is a difference between hovering and checking randomly. And yes, it is good to impress upon her that just because she's smart, she doesn't get a pass. Matter of fact, it is a good reason to hold her feet to the fire.
We had almost the same thing happen with our older boy when he got into middle school, with the grades dropping off, detentions, just enough work to get by, etc. Then in 9th grade he was inspired by the high school atmosphere and was back on the honor roll, and he'll be off to ESU in the fall with a 4-year scholarship! We're having the some issues now with his younger brother, who never slacked off in middle school but seems to be slacking off in 9th grade. Time will tell how that one works it out, but I think he'll be OK.
Unfortunately I fear there is no way to get her to "realize" that slacking off is harmful. I'll bet you've been told "I knooooow" a thousand times, and she does know. Just keep reminding her, because it reinforces that it's important to you.
Congrats, jtab!! Glad to hear it's working out for your son!
And thanks so much to both of you for talking me down. I'm apparently overreacting a bit much -- kind of like a middle-schooler, lol -- and it is good to be reassured that this is pretty typical behavior and does pass. Phew!
Curious about solutions to a problem we're experiencing with our oldest daughter (age 11). I posted here a year or so ago about deciding to send her to a prep school some distance away to get a more challenging education. She came from a Montessori background (prek - 3rd grade) and then we cyberschooled her with a state public cyber school for 4th and 5th grades and she started this prep school in sixth grade.
Here's the thing -- we knew she would be slammed at the beginning, because the expectations and homework load were immense compared with anything she had ever known. And she was. She would spend easily four hours a night on the homework at first, mostly math, where she was probably a grade level behind. She would cry in frustration and simply did not get the concepts. She ended up that first marking period with a D in math -- despite having an A in class participation. She tried So. Hard.
In contrast, in the rest of her grades, she had straight As except for a B+ in Chinese.
Subsequent to the first report card, and ever since, she has gone to the math teacher for thrice-weekly help during the scheduled study period. Math is her favorite subject. She LOVES the teacher. She is challenged, she finds the teacher just plain fun, she gets a charge out of the class. She is pulling a B in math this final marking period. Huzzah!
BUT. She has stopped trying as hard in her other classes.
It's almost like she went in being terrified of not being up to snuff, and worked extra hard at first, then got the report card and realized she could do it, and slacked off.
My daughter can be lazy, like a lot of kids her age. She will do well if she wants to, but if she isn't motivated, she will phone it in. She knows she is smart, and she seems to have an unerring instinct for doing just enough to get by and not stand out. She routinely gets As in English without trying. That's her strong suit. And maybe at another school she could do the same in the other classes and get away with it. But here she's graded on homework, class participation, quizzes and tests, and lack of studying shows in myriad ways, and she's getting called on it. She is now getting Cs in social studies, science and Chinese. She is not a C-student.
Is there a way to get her to realize that slacking off is harmful? I think it is, even at this age, because this is where study habits are formed. She's already putting off projects until the night before (we've all been there) -- and while I don't want to helicopter parent, I think it would be good to impress upon her that just because she's smart, she doesn't get a pass.
Am I wrong?
Time for her to write out a life plan. She's old enough to see that each year for the next ten years or so can be clearly planned out. Take her on some field trips this summer as a kind of pre-job-shadowing experience. Your daughter may not have a very clear idea of what it takes in order to live a certain lifestyle. Have her check out the young and older adults doing low-status jobs and discuss with her how unforeseen events can derail even well-laid plans. Talk to her about how good grades are important to be eligible for the more interesting and well-paying jobs.
Our daughter was always very forward-thinking. She made a plan for her life when she was 15 and had just met the boy who was to become her husband. So far she is on schedule with two years of med school to go and plans for a baby in the works. That's how she is. Our son, we are proud to say, finally has a plan!
6th grade was hard for my son and his grades dropped off and he slacked. But by 7th he was back in the swing of things.
This is where more responsibility is placed on the student. Some adjust real well while others have a hard time.
Middle school is tough because the school environment is different then elementary plus the kids themselves are changing physically and all on different internal schedules.
Thanks -- I agree that middle school for any kid can be a big change; it certainly was for my daughter, who was also dealing with a bunch of classmates who'd been through the elementary program at this school and knew each other and what would be expected of them. As far as a life plan -- it's a good idea but I think that's a bit early for her. She wants to be a video game designer but I don't expect that goal to stick. Kind of like the "I want to be an astronaut" of middle school, methinks.
The great thing about life is that it doesn't have to follow any particular order. If you don't do well in school there's plenty of alternative paths into college (if so desired).
4 hours of homework - makes me wonder if the teachers actually do anything in class or do they save it all for hometime? Why is there a need for so much? What teacher in their right mind would assign so much homework, knowing that they will eventually have to mark it? Maybe the school system in USA is different to what I'm used to. Or maybe your daughter is just really slow (or not as engaged as you think) and so she is left finishing what should have been done in class, at home?
Make sure you don't burn her out. Some of the wisest kids I knew stopped carrying once they got to Junior year of High School when they realized all that hard work = pushing by parents/pressure in Elementary & Middle school was....essentially for ''nothing''. Yes good fundamentals are being created right now but a 15+ year old doesn't want to hear about that, they have enough confidence and pride in themselves that they figure they could have picked it up on their own.
This is how smart kids usually mess up in college when they have freedom for the first time and can't control it.
Are you offering your daughter any kind of reward? If you push and shelter too much, the first sign of ''freedom'' might push her over the edge. Does she have friends and I mean close ones that she can grow up with?
At some point, it becomes less about ''her future'' and more about you showing off to family/friends and making up for the shortcomings you had. There is a fine line between reaching your fullest ability and being happy. It's not necessary the same thing. There is a-lot more to growing up than just mentally training your brain to memorize equations and history dates.
As far as a life plan -- it's a good idea but I think that's a bit early for her. She wants to be a video game designer but I don't expect that goal to stick. Kind of like the "I want to be an astronaut" of middle school, methinks.
You've gotten a lot of great advice so far. Middle school is hard and a huge transition for sure.
But don't be so quick to dismiss what she says she wants to do. One way to keep them motivated is when they know what they want to do and what they have to do to get there. That's when they take control because its their goal, their future.
For as long as I can remember our son wanted to be an astronaut. Since he was little and on into high school. He did all the figuring out what path he needed to take, what kinds of grades he would need to get, etc.
He's now finishing his freshmen year in college majoring in aerospace engineering and doing Air Force ROTC, feeling that being a pilot will give him his best chance of reaching his goal. Will he? Who knows. But my point is, you never know. And a child having a passion early on can be the best motivator. So maybe use that to help her see the light.
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