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I have vivid memories of the first ever test I had to take in the early 80's. I remember the sense of anxiety, and the confusion over why I was even being tested. I remember worrying over every question and getting every answer right.
All of that has stuck with me through every year of my education and beyond, and on every test I have had to take, every time I have had someone else take measure of what I know.
Most of all, though, I remember how focused everything was on what I got wrong. Even if I got 99 answers out of 100 right, I would stew on that one wrong answer. That big X haunted me.
I have always loved learning, and I wish that I could have truly learned above all else, to celebrate what I did know and everything new that I had learned instead of focusing on what I didn't know yet and felt I needed to know, or that someone else deemed I should know.
So, how do we best foster that in our own children? How do we teach them to find joy in everything new they learn without being weighed down by what they don't know? How do you do that if they're receiving a mainstream education, public or private? To change the attitude that they got 3 wrong answers on their 1st grade spelling quiz into excitement that they have more to discover and learn and the whole world and a lifetime to discover it in.
I have vivid memories of the first ever test I had to take in the early 80's. I remember the sense of anxiety, and the confusion over why I was even being tested. I remember worrying over every question and getting every answer right.
All of that has stuck with me through every year of my education and beyond, and on every test I have had to take, every time I have had someone else take measure of what I know.
Most of all, though, I remember how focused everything was on what I got wrong. Even if I got 99 answers out of 100 right, I would stew on that one wrong answer. That big X haunted me.
I have always loved learning, and I wish that I could have truly learned above all else, to celebrate what I did know and everything new that I had learned instead of focusing on what I didn't know yet and felt I needed to know, or that someone else deemed I should know.
So, how do we best foster that in our own children? How do we teach them to find joy in everything new they learn without being weighed down by what they don't know? How do you do that if they're receiving a mainstream education, public or private? To change the attitude that they got 3 wrong answers on their 1st grade spelling quiz into excitement that they have more to discover and learn and the whole world and a lifetime to discover it in.
That reminds me of a difficult Geology lab test I took in college. When giving out the graded exams, the professor stopped in front of me, raised my test up high, and announced, "99"! Instantly I blurted out, "What did I get wrong?!!!"
I took every wrong answer personally. So did my parents. I learned early that even perfection wasn't good enough. I was supposed to be perfect all the time. My father even told me that he would disown me if I ever made a C. I was nine. By the time I was thirteen, I was seriously depressed. Perfectionism is a serious challenge, and one that I have unfortunately passed on, albeit despite my best efforts not to. There is nurture and there is nature. I think sometimes more of our personalities depend on nature than we like to think.
I have vivid memories of the first ever test I had to take in the early 80's. I remember the sense of anxiety, and the confusion over why I was even being tested. I remember worrying over every question and getting every answer right.
All of that has stuck with me through every year of my education and beyond, and on every test I have had to take, every time I have had someone else take measure of what I know.
Most of all, though, I remember how focused everything was on what I got wrong. Even if I got 99 answers out of 100 right, I would stew on that one wrong answer. That big X haunted me.
I have always loved learning, and I wish that I could have truly learned above all else, to celebrate what I did know and everything new that I had learned instead of focusing on what I didn't know yet and felt I needed to know, or that someone else deemed I should know.
So, how do we best foster that in our own children? How do we teach them to find joy in everything new they learn without being weighed down by what they don't know? How do you do that if they're receiving a mainstream education, public or private? To change the attitude that they got 3 wrong answers on their 1st grade spelling quiz into excitement that they have more to discover and learn and the whole world and a lifetime to discover it in.
This doesn't sound so much like a "love of learning" as it does a competitive spirit, and a love of the gratification of being right. You might well also love learning but your description is more of the reflection of happiness over a high test score and disappointment (or dejection) over anything less than perfect. I don't see that the 2 necessarily mean the same thing.
ETA - rereading this I think that perhaps that is what you are saying? Anyway....I think that some people are, by nature, perfectionists and competitive. I don't know that that can be changed really. As parents we can try to walk that fine line between encouraging our children to do the best they can, but accepting that everything need not be perfection. It's tough a tough line to walk - trying to have high expectations but not to the extent of expecting too much and adding unnecessary anxiety - especially if a child is already prone to that by their own nature.
Last edited by maciesmom; 05-03-2014 at 10:39 AM..
I took every wrong answer personally. So did my parents. I learned early that even perfection wasn't good enough. I was supposed to be perfect all the time. My father even told me that he would disown me if I ever made a C. I was nine. By the time I was thirteen, I was seriously depressed. Perfectionism is a serious challenge, and one that I have unfortunately passed on, albeit despite my best efforts not to. There is nurture and there is nature. I think sometimes more of our personalities depend on nature than we like to think.
Perfectionism is a difficult challenge, but there are some things that we can do to combat the tendency in our children.
Pointing out your own mistakes and being positive about his. "That's OK, we can erase it. etc." In addition, being plain ole silly yourself can help. When he asks me ??s, I give off the wall answers. I think aloud an purposely make mistakes. He corrects me, I laugh it off "oops, you're right", "oh I made a mistake, I thought you meant yada yada.... hahaha. Now I know, thanks for correcting me." I try not to make the same mistakes repeatedly or the boy will think I'm just a nut with a bad memory!
Other ideas- Changing words to songs-subsituting silly nonsensical words, same with stories.... taking turns being silly.
It also helps to point out past events when skills were a challenge, but later were mastered. "Wow, you can xxx so well now. Remember when you were learning? You kept trying and now you're a pro. ('cause we tend to remember our mistakes more than our successes.) For perfectionist kids- we need to highlight the process. Not just the actions, also point out the feelings that came with each stage. From the challenge (frustration, etc.) all the way through the resolution (proud). Taking photos of the process and then revisiting is helpful.
Ex- Riding a bike- frustration, mad, wanting to give up. Verbalize it "You're feeling ---- now." Then when they succeed- pride, sense of accomplishment- "It feels so great now that you....! Then using this as an example for future challenges. "Yeah, writing neatly is hard for you now. Remember when you were learning to ride bike? You wanted to give up, etc.. You kept on trying and finally learned. Now you really like riding your bike. So keep practicing writing and you'll get it in no time and you won't feel xxx anymore."
If you see your child making a mistake when you are helping him or her, you can say "Let's try it this way" and show her the correct way to do it. When she is reading and gets a word wrong, try saying "Oh, so close. It's actually X, but good try!" and keep it very positive. When you are getting ready to do try something new, explain that we aren't even trying to get it right this time, this time was just for learning how to do it, so making mistakes was actually correct; etc.
The goal was to take off any imagined pressure from me and real pressure from herself. Even if she got everything correct, I did not mention that she got them all right, but that it looked like she understood the work and had enjoyed doing it. Let him see you make mistakes, then let him see how easy they are to fix.
Do you model / point out your mistakes? As you read to him stumble over longer or non-phonetic words (greek myths are full of odd names) and try a few possiblilities before moving on. If he plays near your
computer, type a message reallly fast and then hit spellcheck. Be astonished about how many mistakes you made and then fix them.
He can take more risks as he grows more confident.
Books
Perfectionism and Gifted Children by Rosemary CallardSzulgit
Parenting and Teaching the Gifted by Rosemary CallardSzulgit
Perfectionism is a difficult challenge, but there are some things that we can do to combat the tendency in our children.
Pointing out your own mistakes and being positive about his. "That's OK, we can erase it. etc." In addition, being plain ole silly yourself can help. When he asks me ??s, I give off the wall answers. I think aloud an purposely make mistakes. He corrects me, I laugh it off "oops, you're right", "oh I made a mistake, I thought you meant yada yada.... hahaha. Now I know, thanks for correcting me." I try not to make the same mistakes repeatedly or the boy will think I'm just a nut with a bad memory!
Other ideas- Changing words to songs-subsituting silly nonsensical words, same with stories.... taking turns being silly.
It also helps to point out past events when skills were a challenge, but later were mastered. "Wow, you can xxx so well now. Remember when you were learning? You kept trying and now you're a pro. ('cause we tend to remember our mistakes more than our successes.) For perfectionist kids- we need to highlight the process. Not just the actions, also point out the feelings that came with each stage. From the challenge (frustration, etc.) all the way through the resolution (proud). Taking photos of the process and then revisiting is helpful.
Ex- Riding a bike- frustration, mad, wanting to give up. Verbalize it "You're feeling ---- now." Then when they succeed- pride, sense of accomplishment- "It feels so great now that you....! Then using this as an example for future challenges. "Yeah, writing neatly is hard for you now. Remember when you were learning to ride bike? You wanted to give up, etc.. You kept on trying and finally learned. Now you really like riding your bike. So keep practicing writing and you'll get it in no time and you won't feel xxx anymore."
If you see your child making a mistake when you are helping him or her, you can say "Let's try it this way" and show her the correct way to do it. When she is reading and gets a word wrong, try saying "Oh, so close. It's actually X, but good try!" and keep it very positive. When you are getting ready to do try something new, explain that we aren't even trying to get it right this time, this time was just for learning how to do it, so making mistakes was actually correct; etc.
The goal was to take off any imagined pressure from me and real pressure from herself. Even if she got everything correct, I did not mention that she got them all right, but that it looked like she understood the work and had enjoyed doing it. Let him see you make mistakes, then let him see how easy they are to fix.
Do you model / point out your mistakes? As you read to him stumble over longer or non-phonetic words (greek myths are full of odd names) and try a few possiblilities before moving on. If he plays near your
computer, type a message reallly fast and then hit spellcheck. Be astonished about how many mistakes you made and then fix them.
He can take more risks as he grows more confident.
Books
Perfectionism and Gifted Children by Rosemary CallardSzulgit
Parenting and Teaching the Gifted by Rosemary CallardSzulgit
Alas, my children are grown, so even if I were able to squelch my perfectionistic tendencies perfectly (!), they too have internalized the push towards perfectionism. It's worse for our daughter, who is in medical school, where perfectionists have to face reality.
This doesn't sound so much like a "love of learning" as it does a competitive spirit, and a love of the gratification of being right. You might well also love learning but your description is more of the reflection of happiness over a high test score and disappointment (or dejection) over anything less than perfect. I don't see that the 2 necessarily mean the same thing.
ETA - rereading this I think that perhaps that is what you are saying? Anyway....I think that some people are, by nature, perfectionists and competitive. I don't know that that can be changed really. As parents we can try to walk that fine line between encouraging our children to do the best they can, but accepting that everything need not be perfection. It's tough a tough line to walk - trying to have high expectations but not to the extent of expecting too much and adding unnecessary anxiety - especially if a child is already prone to that by their own nature.
No, you're partially right. I loved learning but hated being tested, even if I was confident in what I knew and did really well in them. It sucked the joy right out of it for me. Now that I'm older and "tests" are few and far between, I enjoy learning things just because they're interesting to me.
The love of learning was definitely intrinsic to me, but the focus on scores and wrong answers and what I had to learn to pass the next test came from extrinsic sources that were unavoidable while going through school and university and at the time, I couldn't just shrug it off and carry on then, though I can now.
My son is approaching school age and it's been weighing on my mind because right now, he loves learning things, and I've let him feel success and failure in his own efforts and endeavors and without me weighing in one way or the other, except to give him the opportunities to learn about things he takes and expresses interest in. I'm just concerned that's going to get beaten out of him too soon by systems that don't give a jot about fostering or sustaining that kind of spirit.
Over 60 years ago, I had an inspirational educational experience in public school. My 9th Grade English teacher (an elderly woman with white hair) decided to depart from the prescribed curriculum. The text book was focused on the novel Silas Marner by George Eliot; and sever al other short stories; which we did read, but with little interest. Then, my teacher started to hand out homework assignments consisting of 10 words that we were to write out the dictionary definition, and compose a sentence using the word. The next school day, our homework assignment was collected; and we underwent a spelling test of the ten words, plus composition of a sentence using at least tow of the assigned words. I found the homework tedious but nevertheless challenging; and the tests turned out to be fun. (After collecting our test papers, she would read our composed sentences, which were often very funny; but she was never critical of anyone.) The rest of the hour, she would read Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn. She had a wonderful reading voice that could make all the characters come alive in our minds.
That old woman was the very best teacher I ever had; and she had a profound effect on my educational experience, my development as a person, and my life eve to this day. No riches could ever pay her back for what she gave me.
Over 60 years ago, I had an inspirational educational experience in public school. My 9th Grade English teacher (an elderly woman with white hair) decided to depart from the prescribed curriculum. The text book was focused on the novel Silas Marner by George Eliot; and sever al other short stories; which we did read, but with little interest. Then, my teacher started to hand out homework assignments consisting of 10 words that we were to write out the dictionary definition, and compose a sentence using the word. The next school day, our homework assignment was collected; and we underwent a spelling test of the ten words, plus composition of a sentence using at least tow of the assigned words. I found the homework tedious but nevertheless challenging; and the tests turned out to be fun. (After collecting our test papers, she would read our composed sentences, which were often very funny; but she was never critical of anyone.) The rest of the hour, she would read Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn. She had a wonderful reading voice that could make all the characters come alive in our minds.
That old woman was the very best teacher I ever had; and she had a profound effect on my educational experience, my development as a person, and my life eve to this day. No riches could ever pay her back for what she gave me.
My high school English teacher was one of my best and most inspirational teachers, too.
I got straight D's in religion my freshman year in high school. I thought it was hilarious next to my straight A's in math. But my senior year I watched a kid cry in class because he got a B in math one grading period.
How much psychological damage is school designed to produce in order to create people who can be manipulated. Is that what it is about?
psik
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