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OK so I have a 12 year old daughter, about to attend 7th grade this fall. Thus far she has been a solid B student with a couple of As here and there. Not terrible, but nothing really outstanding either. My big issue with her has been her just not seeming to give a dang about school. Too many times we will see a zero on her online school file because she "forgot to turn in homework" or my personal favorite, coming to us on Thursday because she needs help with a 12 page project due the next day. She's gotten lectures, whooping's, the whole nine, yet it was a recurring problem last year.
The problem is that both the wife and I work full time and the wife is in school so neither one of us can dedicate the time needed to sit with her to make sure her work is getting done. Her only saving grace is that some of the teachers allow her to redo work or do extra credit so that her overall grade doesn't come crashing down to an F. It bothers me some because I know that
a) Eventually she's going to have teachers who wont allow her to do extra credit or redo flunked homework/exams
b) in 5 years time she will go to college (she says she wants to do medical engineering, still not exactly sure what that is, if it even exists). She's going to need to really stand out academically to get scholarships and not end up another of the numerous CD posters on here with $100K worth of school debt and no real career choices.
To that end, I'm really focusing on getting her academics to the top 5%. I've hired a tutor who will work with her on Math and English 3 times a week starting this fall. My hope is that with the tutor, she will not only master the material that will be studied in class, but maybe even get ahead of schedule. This tutor also does SAT prep for older kids. If my daughter is up to par and can ace the PSAT in tenth grade then she will be well on her way. I hope.
And yes, she does have a life outside school work. She was playing soccer for many years before taking a break this year. She will also have drum lessons as she's always wanted to play drums, and we let her hang out with her friends provided she's acting right.
Is there anything else I can do? Maybe not do? Things to be aware of for the future? I know she's about to hit the teenage trouble years, maybe something to note?
Your kid does not enjoy school very much. Guess what -- That's normal. Some kids show it (or fight it) better than others.
Unlike what some others will say here, I will argue that the problem is not the kid, but the school system. Not a whole lot you can do to change that. What you can do, however, is accept that your kid may not be the kind of kid who is going to get lots of A's and be in "the top 5%." At least not without resenting you (and school) for the rest of her life. It's really not so bad being a "B" student after all.
All people (not just kids) procrastinate and dislike doing stuff that they don't like (or don't see a reason for doing). You cant "make" people enjoy stuff, you can only present it in an enjoyable way and create an enjoyable environment. School often fails here, and kids' attitudes often reflect that.
My opinion is that this new approach you're looking to adopt may only make it worse. I would rather set better priorities when judging your kid and her education. Prioritize her health and happiness, and intelligence and well-being will naturally follow. If your highest priority is academic scores, you run a huge risk of building resentment and turning your kid off for life (not only to you, but to school, and authority).
I'm trying to say, as respectfully as possible, to rethink your priorities here. You can only nurture a learning disposition, you can't force it. Telling your kid that grades don't matter as much as her health and happiness, and not putting so much pressure on her -- may, ironically, raise her grades...
In my home whether I was the child or the parent there would be no friends and no drums if all chores and homework was not done completely to the best of my or my child's ability.
Has she earned the time with her friends?
Has she earned the drum lessons?
Not from what you have written.
PS ~~ No more helping her with her assignments last minute and tell her teachers not to allow her to do extra work for things she is late with or have missed.
If you all keep coddling she will keep taking advantage.
In my home whether I was the child or the parent there would be no friends and no drums if all chores and homework was not done completely to the best of my or my child's ability.
Has she earned the time with her friends?
Has she earned the drum lessons?
Not from what you have written.
I would disagree that playtime and socialization for a child needs to be "earned." Rather -- not only is it right to give a child playtime and social opportunities -- but without these things, academics will almost certainly suffer.
In my home whether I was the child or the parent there would be no friends and no drums if all chores and homework was not done completely to the best of my or my child's ability.
Has she earned the time with her friends?
Has she earned the drum lessons?
Not from what you have written.
PS ~~ No more helping her with her assignments last minute and tell her teachers not to allow her to do extra work for things she is late with or have missed.
If you all keep coddling she will keep taking advantage.
Well I did say she gets the time with her friends provided she's been acting right as in doing her homework/chores etc.
The wife and I have debated letting her pull her usual BS and flunk 7th grade with the rationale that it's better for her to learn this lesson in 6th/7th grade rather than 11th/12th grade, but it's hard to just sit back and let that happen.
Your kid does not enjoy school very much. Guess what -- That's normal. Some kids show it (or fight it) better than others.
Unlike what some others will say here, I will argue that the problem is not the kid, but the school system. Not a whole lot you can do to change that. What you can do, however, is accept that your kid may not be the kind of kid who is going to get lots of A's and be in "the top 5%." At least not without resenting you (and school) for the rest of her life. It's really not so bad being a "B" student after all.
All people (not just kids) procrastinate and dislike doing stuff that they don't like (or don't see a reason for doing). You cant "make" people enjoy stuff, you can only present it in an enjoyable way and create an enjoyable environment. School often fails here, and kids' attitudes often reflect that.
My opinion is that this new approach you're looking to adopt may only make it worse. I would rather set better priorities when judging your kid and her education. Prioritize her health and happiness, and intelligence and well-being will naturally follow. If your highest priority is academic scores, you run a huge risk of building resentment and turning your kid off for life (not only to you, but to school, and authority).
I'm trying to say, as respectfully as possible, to rethink your priorities here. You can only nurture a learning disposition, you can't force it. Telling your kid that grades don't matter as much as her health and happiness, and not putting so much pressure on her -- may, ironically, raise her grades...
I get what you are saying to a degree. I've read about kids in Japan who commit suicide due to the pressure of maintaining top grades...I get that. On the flip side though, to be brutally honest, life is only going to get more competitive here in the US. Just mosey on over to the employment section and read about kids not able to find jobs, not able to have a life because they don't have the best grades and as a result couldn't get good jobs...just read about a 25 year old stuck working at Subway with no career prospects because he spent his youth partying and not giving a crap about school...and I'm sorry but once you are 18 you're off the payroll...I'm NOT interested in supporting a grown adult who made bad choices earlier on in life. This is the reality which means that kids are going to have to buck up at sometime in life...how to get that across without driving her to resentment as you point out, that is my dilemma.
I get what you are saying to a degree. I've read about kids in Japan who commit suicide due to the pressure of maintaining top grades...I get that. On the flip side though, to be brutally honest, life is only going to get more competitive here in the US. Just mosey on over to the employment section and read about kids not able to find jobs, not able to have a life because they don't have the best grades and as a result couldn't get good jobs...just read about a 25 year old stuck working at Subway with no career prospects because he spent his youth partying and not giving a crap about school...and I'm sorry but once you are 18 you're off the payroll...I'm NOT interested in supporting a grown adult who made bad choices earlier on in life. This is the reality which means that kids are going to have to buck up at sometime in life...how to get that across without driving her to resentment as you point out, that is my dilemma.
I understand.
You have to make a choice between crushing their childhood in preparation for a potentially bleak (although mostly unknown) employment future, and letting them be a fulfilled kid and person.
This is a dilemma that all parents and educators seem to be facing nowadays.
Keep in mind that nobody knows what the job world is going to look like in 5 years, much less 10, 20, or 50.
Personally -- and I don't have kids yet, so this is some degree of armchair theory (although it is based on sound principles) -- I would let my kid "be a kid" and develop well in a holistic human sense, while "only" being in the top 25% academically. In my opinion, life is too short and precious to gear it all towards some kind of potentially bleak job climate in the future.
You also have to realize that eventually in someone's career, shortly after leaving school-- grades dont matter anymore. What the potential employee actually knows, understands, and can do, what kind of real experience they have, and what kind of person he/she is -- all of which rarely lines up with peoples' grades -- are the things that will matter most in the job world. Especially in the future, (in my opinion,) people will be hired more practically.
A kid that simply didn't care about school would get average grades. A kid that'd still getting Bs and some As, despite not completing work, etc., seems like a bright kid that is bored/not challenged enough. Are there private or more specialized that would challenge the kid more than the current school system? As it appears the kid is in middle school/junior high, s/he still has time to change things before it permanently affects her chances.
(As an aside, what's the push? The merit scholar ideal sounds more like yours as a parent, instead of something your kid is already interested in pursuing for themselves. I get that we want what's best for our kids, but it seems parents push their kids to be what they want instead of what's best for them. Not every kid needs to be Harvard/MIT, etc. bound, and forcing it may bring the opposite result.)
I do understand what you mean about the job market, however, that's more than the case of grades. Kids today are more coddled and are used to having parents do more/make their way. Then, once they're in "the real world", they don't have the skills to be independent, and may act entitled, expecting things to happen for them instead of working for them as their parents, grandparents, etc. had done. Just a thought.
If you have time for "lectures...whoopings", you have time to sit down with her and HELP HER--not do it for her--but help her work on her homework.
Use your time with her to encourage her, praise her strengths and encourage her to find what her passion is. Remind her that hard work now will open so many doors for her. And remember, she's 12 years old. That age is SO HARD. Especially for girls.
If her school work is starting to slip, but she had it under control a while back, I'd worry that something else might be going on. Be open and encouraging to her, as frequently as possible, and be a parent she can trust to confide in.
As for the school work, sorry, but not all kids are cut out for academics and college. Unless you know you need a specific degree...college shouldn't be a requirement. America needs to get a grip that a $100k English degree doesn't always guarantee a career that will make it worth it.
My husband and I (high school sweethearts) were both incredibly unchallenged and bored with school, B students--but we both went on to have great careers, steady income, and a productive life even though we took a different route. I resent how I was pushed into going to college at the age of 18. My school pressured me and I felt like college was the ONLY choice. All that came from college was a $15k student loan I'm still paying back. Ten months in cosmetology school and I ended up making $55k the next year doing what I loved, while my husband worked his way up with hard work from an install job to management where he has a great salary, bonuses, and a company car working in an industry he loves.
Neither of us finished college. It's not all about school. Encourage her to find her passion, and support her 100%.
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