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Ok this is lame and not as good as rainbow's but it's my favorite joke! Three old men were sitting around talking about how bad their minds were getting. The first one said man it is getting so bad I go to the refrigerator and forget if I am getting something out or putting something in! The second said oh that is nothing I will be on the stairs and forget if I am going up or down. The third man said I am so glad my mind is not that bad yet! Knock on wood. And then he yells come in! LOL sorry told you it was lame plus I don't remember the jokes!
Ok this is lame and not as good as rainbow's but it's my favorite joke! Three old men were sitting around talking about how bad their minds were getting. The first one said man it is getting so bad I go to the refrigerator and forget if I am getting something out or putting something in! The second said oh that is nothing I will be on the stairs and forget if I am going up or down. The third man said I am so glad my mind is not that bad yet! Knock on wood. And then he yells come in! LOL sorry told you it was lame plus I don't remember the jokes!
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart
since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the
vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her
doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.
A friend just sent me this joke! In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
'MOUNT & DO'.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.
I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women.
I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me. My mother died at an early age from cancer.
Later in life, questions arose over my real name.
My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.
I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my country, but
I practiced non-traditional beliefs & didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.
I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.
That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career.
I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.
I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything. That reinforced my conceit.
I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.
I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.
At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy. I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my country.
But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed & housed for free.
I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks & corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them and if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.
I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.
I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics & was able to gain widespread popular support.
I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope' , together we could change our country and the world.
So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities" like the Jews. My true views were not widely known & I needed to keep them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.
I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with.
I'm glad they didn't. Then I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our 20 glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
' God Bless America
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