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Thread summary:

Seeking ways to motivate fiancé to exercise again, she is not fat but has become inactive, concerned for her health, how to motivate her without hurting feelings

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Old 07-15-2008, 04:06 PM
 
Location: The City of St. Louis
938 posts, read 3,494,787 times
Reputation: 789

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I have a similar-ish problem, but with my sister instead of a girl I'm dating. My sister and I both have "big" genes. I was overweight until I was about 21/22, and was able to diet/exercise all of it off and get down to my ideal weight which I'm at now, and am very healthy. My sister, on the other hand,who is 19, is still quite overweight. She could probably stand to lose 40-50 pounds. She actually carries it pretty well, and still looks OK for being her weight, but she'd look a lot better if she lost it. She lives at home until the end of the summer (I haven't lived at home in about 5 years), but our mom is constantly on her to eat better, and basically has to nag her to get her to exercise at all. She has a real aversion to any physical activity, and tries very hard to avoid it. I really want her to lose the weight, not only because she'll look and feel better, but because she'll live a much healthier and longer, as heart disease does run in our family. I've told her how I've feel about it numerous times, that is she doesn't lose it she's looking at serious health problems later in life, but it doesn't seem to get through to her. I think our mom nagging her about it doesn't help much, but when she starts college this fall she'll have a mandatory physical fitness course. I really want her to figure out that she likes it on her own, and get to the point where she sees results and keeps working out and eating right, because it just won't work otherwise.
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Old 07-15-2008, 09:15 PM
 
Location: Chicago suburb
702 posts, read 2,516,853 times
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OA - cool name - does it stand for anything?

With regard to your sister it sounds like you have noticed that the nagging isn't really helping your sister. In fact it is probably making her feel worse. I think the best thing you can do is give her unconditional love and support. Be there to listen to her - it's not your job to fix her problem - that's her job. She's the only one who can do it and she has to find the willingness to make the change once she decides she wants to change. Being over weight is a complicated issue. Many people think it's just a matter of will power, but sometimes that's not the case. Food can serve many purposes for some people besides fuel.

Is your sister depressed and using food to medicate herself? Is she feeling bad about herself because she's gaining weight? Is she embarrassed about her body and chooses not to move because she is ashamed of how she might look doing something physical? Has she ever shared with you how she feels about her weight, your mom nagging her?

I think knowing she has a brother who will listen to her without passing judgement and who will support her would be a big help. You sound like a very kind and caring brother. She's lucky to have you in her corner. Good luck!
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Old 07-16-2008, 09:13 AM
 
Location: Kansas City area
43 posts, read 537,295 times
Reputation: 87
Let me try to get some things clarified about your situation.

A few people have mentioned "wedding jitters" and other stress that she may be going through as a result of the upcoming wedding. But, since it is 2 weeks away and it seems like this problem has been going on for 2-3 years (if I read your post accurately), could it be YOU that is having the "jitters"? In regards to her, I can tell you that the whole wedding dress thing can be a nightmare. I have never been so consious of my weight and size as I was before I got married. Once you get your dress fitted (depending on the cut of the dress), you cannot GAIN or LOSE weight in the weeks prior to the wedding...very stressful and something I didn't realize when picking out the dress originally.

In your first post you mentioned the activities that you like to do (hiking, kayaaking, etc) and said that anytime you encourage her to go she asks you if you "think she is fat". However, in your second post, you mentioned that she did go on a big hike with you and is limited by her arm injury. So, of the two situations, which is more likely? Does she enjoy those things or not? I would be concerned if that is a lifestyle that you enjoy but she doesn't.

Right now, my husband is more physically fit than I am. He hates the gym but loves the outdoors. He would never go to the gym with me but we still find ways to do stuff together. For example, we go hiking on the weekends. The hikes are almost always more difficult for me, but he knows that and is patient. He doesn't push me hard, but rather, lets me push myself (he also has the 8 years of experience of knowing that when he pushes me and I'm not ready, he will get an earfull ). During the week, I have my own workout schedule at the gym, but we will usually still go on short walks together through the neighborhood to get some extra activity after dinner. He loves to mountain bike but I like to just bike (paved trail). We will go biking together but he waits to go mountain biking with his friends. So, my husband and I have different needs but we try to compromise and find a solution that works out for both of us.

As far as approaching her, I think Calidreemer has it all right. This is ultimately about your needs. Sounds like, if y'all have been together for seven years, that you have a GREAT base to build on. Don't wait until after the honeymoon. Get this stuff out now. It is soooo important. You BOTH deserve to be happy and be with someone that fulfills your needs. And if she can't, then you need to decide if you can live without that rather than trying to fit her into what YOU need....just my 2 cents worth. Good luck.
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Old 07-16-2008, 11:19 AM
 
Location: The City of St. Louis
938 posts, read 3,494,787 times
Reputation: 789
Quote:
Originally Posted by Calidreemer View Post
OA - cool name - does it stand for anything?

With regard to your sister it sounds like you have noticed that the nagging isn't really helping your sister. In fact it is probably making her feel worse. I think the best thing you can do is give her unconditional love and support. Be there to listen to her - it's not your job to fix her problem - that's her job. She's the only one who can do it and she has to find the willingness to make the change once she decides she wants to change. Being over weight is a complicated issue. Many people think it's just a matter of will power, but sometimes that's not the case. Food can serve many purposes for some people besides fuel.

Is your sister depressed and using food to medicate herself? Is she feeling bad about herself because she's gaining weight? Is she embarrassed about her body and chooses not to move because she is ashamed of how she might look doing something physical? Has she ever shared with you how she feels about her weight, your mom nagging her?

I think knowing she has a brother who will listen to her without passing judgement and who will support her would be a big help. You sound like a very kind and caring brother. She's lucky to have you in her corner. Good luck!
Thank you for the post. I try to support her as much as I can. I've never called her fat or anything, but I have talked to her about losing weight several times. So I do nag her some about what she eats and to work out (maybe every couple of weeks), and our mom nags her quite a bit (although this will likely stop when she leaves for college in about a month). I know she does not like mom nagging her (I don't think anyone likes their mom nagging her, haha), but without being nagged at least some she'd likely have no exercise, where now at least she has some and hasn't gained any weight in a few years.

As far as I know she usually isn't depressed. We are pretty close so I'd probably notice if she is chronically depressed. She does, however, use food as comfort quite a bit, and likes big portions and stuff. I don't think she has any bad self-esteem issues from being overweight, but I do know she at least wishes she was thinner, but hasn't taken any of the steps to get there yet.

I know that its not my job to fix the problem, as I can't and don't have the right to control her, and it will never work unless she decides to take the steps and do it on her own. I do worry about her having health problems later in life, as we have family history with it. I was a few years older than she is now when I got into fitness, so I hope when she goes to college she'll gain some friends who are into that sort of thing, and she'll get into it through them.

As far as my username goes, its the licence plate number on the car that the main character drives in Vanishing Point, a 1971 car/post-woodstock movie: Vanishing Point (1971)
I'm actually suprised that its been availalbe on a lot of sites, as the movie is a cult classic!
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Old 07-16-2008, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Chicago suburb
702 posts, read 2,516,853 times
Reputation: 253
Hi OA- it sounds like you are genuinely concerned about your sister and I really like the way you have refrained from using negative talk with her.

I think it's a tough spot to be in as a caring brother watching your sister put her health at risk (sounds like that's your biggest concern). I really think the best thing is to try not to nag, even if it is only every couple of weeks, and just invite her to join you in physical activities, be open to talking with her about anything (perhaps she'll turn to you instead of food when she has a problem), and be generous with your expertise should she decide to work on her physical self. It is so motivating to be able to hear from someone how they succeeded and that they know what the person is going through because you have been through it themself.

I am glad to hear you know it's really her problem and not yours to fix. That kind of dynamic usually causes many more problems including strained relations, resentments, and may even send the person you are trying to help in the wrong direction.

I would also suggest that you consider working on the concept of acceptance when it comes to your sister and her choices. I think if you can truly accept her right to free determination then you can distance yourself from some of what she is going through while still being there to support her. It can also allow you to be comfortable with where she is mentally/emotionally/physically at any given time. She may not be ready to change, and with going off to college she may actually find it harder rather than easier to loose weight. You know, the "freshman 15". That's all I have to say about that I guess.

Your name is cool!

Last edited by Calidreemer; 07-16-2008 at 02:04 PM..
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Old 07-16-2008, 04:09 PM
 
Location: The City of St. Louis
938 posts, read 3,494,787 times
Reputation: 789
Thanks for the advice Calidreemer. I'll try to lay off nagging her. I do accept her however she is, as she is my sister and I care about her a whole lot. I really don't care too much about what she looks like, it is definetly the health risks which I worry about with her. She's got her head on straight in a lot other ways though...she's shown me so far that I don't have to worry about her abusing drugs or alcohol, and she's really determined about school!
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Old 07-16-2008, 04:15 PM
 
Location: Chicago suburb
702 posts, read 2,516,853 times
Reputation: 253
OA you sound like a sweet heart. You can probably take some of the credit for some of the strengths she has.

I agree, lay off the nagging and just keep on being there for her. Have a good one!
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Old 07-17-2008, 01:50 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
3,536 posts, read 12,286,314 times
Reputation: 6036
I bet you can get her going by not nagging her. Don't sound like a broken record.
Tell her that you want to be one of those elderly couples who still hold hands so sweetly everywhere they go. And tell her something like, "Hon, I have a great idea of a way we could bond! Let's go spend a day out on the river! I'd so love to hang out in the sun for a few hours with you! The wedding is so stressful! Let's get outta here" and get a Kayak and paddle down the river and take a walk down memory lane and talk about all the reasons you fell in love... something sweet like that.
I promise she'll have a great time and want to do it again!

Focus on it this way. She's already heard the health speech, and it didn't work.

Make it fun. No running or gyms. Make it about spending time together other than the usually TV, Movie, Dinner.

Can you double date and have a doubles tennis match with friends? Something like that where the premise is not about getting in shape, but having fun!
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Old 07-17-2008, 04:59 PM
 
1,117 posts, read 2,034,135 times
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Wait until after the wedding, then invite her on a date to go kayaking or some sort of outdoor sport. Explain that you would truly enjoy her company and would love to see her enjoy the fresh air with you.

Then shush. Let her decide.
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