I used to use Calvin - just "Calvin" - years ago. It came in a tall black bottle. I got a lot of compliments on it.
Then they stopped making it. I stopped wearing cologne for a while.
Fast-forward many years. I'm divorced, I'm available, and I don't know what showers or antiperspirant are. I go looking for the Black Calvin.
It turns out that the quest for the Holy Grail was a weekend at the Hilton compared to
this one...
Nothing. Nowhere. I searched in NYC, in Philly, wherever I went. After a short while, people that knew me started avoiding me - they knew what the topic of conversation was. My cat ran away. I spent untold hours online in hundreds of cologne sites. Not even on eBay!
OK, there WAS one - a trial-size - for $25.00. And $8.99 S&H.
"Bite me", said I.
So there I was, wandering dejectedly around the local mall...somehow, and I don't remember exactly how, I ended up in a department store called Kaufmann's. I had been there many years before - I think I bought my last pair of underwear there.
As I wandered through this vast cathedral of economy-stimulating doo-dads, I was approached by a drop-dead gorgeous woman with a smile on her face and angels flying around her head.
"May I spray you?" a voice directly from Seventh Heaven surrounded me and oozed into my soul.
"Uh....ummmm...errrrr....huh.....um.....heh" I replied, ever the wit. As I nodded my head, I noticed my ears were ringing and I was developing tunnel vision - all that existed at that moment was a fantastic mane of straw-spun golden hair and a slight sensation of coolness on my wrist.
The next thing I knew, this vision of loveliness, who had heretofore been as mannered and pleasant as a Dominican nun, turned into Olga The She-Wolf. She leaped upon me right there among the display cases for Rolex watches and Mikimoto pearl necklaces, her little basket of one-shot sprayers flying down the aisle as she devoured me, growling and biting and snarling all the while.
After several minutes of this treatment, and not a few turned heads from curious passerby, I managed to regain my feet and inquire of my exhausted lady friend what exactly it was she had so daintily sprayed upon my manly wrist.
"C...Cal...Calvin...Klein...." she gasped, her chest heaving with the effort. "WHICH Calvin?" I demanded sharply, for I saw several other equally gorgeous perfume salesladies closing in on me, the look in their collective eyes undeniably one of raw, unadulterated lust.
"C....K..........In2U...." she managed to sigh out, just before she collapsed in a dead faint. The massed Petitioners of Perfume all inhaled sharply and jumped back at the mention of this name; evidently, there was some mystical power within this compound that was as unknown to the local male population as it was known, infamously, to the female.
As I slowly turned around, keeping the ravenous and drooling gang at bay with my knowledge of martial art hand gestures, I had a sudden strike of intuitive knowledge - I
knew I had come to the end of my quest - that Neptune, in all of his infinite wisdom, had brought me to this place, at this time, to be knighted with the knowledge of the ages - the Secret of Scented Seduction.
I figured "what the hell" and sprang for a bottle.
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