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Old 08-20-2008, 11:42 AM
 
Location: Naples, FL
376 posts, read 1,805,233 times
Reputation: 262

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A little sense of humor goes a long way if you live in Florida:

[SIZE=2]Hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. The Weather Channel is busy making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

There are several key hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in North Dakota

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:[/SIZE]
  • <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3">[SIZE=2]23 flashlights[/SIZE] [SIZE=2][/SIZE]<LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3">[SIZE=2]At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.[/SIZE] [SIZE=2][/SIZE]<LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3">[SIZE=2]A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.[/SIZE] [SIZE=2][/SIZE]<LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3">[SIZE=2]A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)[/SIZE] [SIZE=2][/SIZE]<LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3">[SIZE=2]A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. [/SIZE]
  • [SIZE=2]$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.[/SIZE] [SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2] Hope it made you smile![/SIZE]
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