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Well, it is confusing. She and Hubby always request physical (usually expensive) gifts for their children and often physical gifts for themselves. Is there a love language that is asking for physical gifts from others but not giving physical gifts to others???? Hmmm.
That is cringe-worthy but isn't that the definition of a taker? No one, not even family should feel compelled to put up with it. A friend of mine had a relative similar to this. Eventually he got tired of being used and devised a strategy. To give something of value equal to the whatever that relative last gave him. The first time the relative had the audacity to comment on it he acted puzzled/surprised and replied with something about reciprocity. Delivered the lesson quite quickly.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-28-2021 at 12:53 PM..
Well, it is confusing. She and Hubby always request physical (usually expensive) gifts for their children and often physical gifts for themselves. Is there a love language that is asking for physical gifts from others but not giving physical gifts to others???? Hmmm.
You should have already been clued in that these people are selfish takers.
The world is full of people that as soon as they hear that someone else is paying, they will order the most expensive thing on the menu, order a couple of top shelf drinks, order more than they can eat so they can take home more food. These "close relatives" of yours are that type and you really realistically should not expect any other type of behavior from them.
If you want to give them gifts, that's your choice, but it is OK if you do not buy them the gifts on their expensive demand list.
I don't see any reason for adults to be giving holiday gifts to other adults, anyway. Unless maybe these selfish people are your own son or daughter and grandkids. Even then, no reason to give gifts to the adults, and you don't have to send the most expensive things to the kids. Because unfortunately, those children are being trained in how to be as greedy and ungrateful as their parents.
For me the point is that I give what and when I want to give. I do it because it makes me feel good.
I check myself first and if I have any feeling or hope of reciprocation I give it a second thought. The idea is to do something nice for the other person.
I want freedom in my gift giving and make every effort not to create a situation for myself where I will be feeling "cheated" if I don't get the response I want.
Giving without expectation is freeing. If you want something back in return, even a thank you, and are unsure you'll get it don't set yourself up.
It's a language, but not with love in it. If anyone called me up and requested a gift without ever having given me one, I'd have a good, big laugh and hang up.
Sounds like it could be an adult child (and the grandchildren) - the child who did not outgrow their child-like entitlement to Christmas presents from their parents.
The cure? The parent should ask - “what are you getting for me? Don’t tell, I love a surprise when I open it on Christmas!”
Some people need a clue
I wanted to do something nice for a relative on her birthday, so I decided to send a meal via DoorDash. Her husband suggested Chinese/Thai food. I agreed and told him to give me a list of what to order from a favorite restaurant. It was a short list, as it was for only two adults and two young children. How expensive could that be?
Well, I learned a valuable lesson. When offering to buy someone a simple, family meal make sure that is not from a Michelin Star restaurant. This simple, small order cost me $120! Man, I was certainly surprised!
Read the menue before ordering? Then send a gift card in your budget. Oops I forgot. Will try better next year?
You should have already been clued in that these people are selfish takers.
The world is full of people that as soon as they hear that someone else is paying, they will order the most expensive thing on the menu, order a couple of top shelf drinks, order more than they can eat so they can take home more food. These "close relatives" of yours are that type and you really realistically should not expect any other type of behavior from them.
If you want to give them gifts, that's your choice, but it is OK if you do not buy them the gifts on their expensive demand list.
I don't see any reason for adults to be giving holiday gifts to other adults, anyway. Unless maybe these selfish people are your own son or daughter and grandkids. Even then, no reason to give gifts to the adults, and you don't have to send the most expensive things to the kids. Because unfortunately, those children are being trained in how to be as greedy and ungrateful as their parents.
Want to make their heads spin? Announce that there will be NO physical gifts this year, and instead, each person will get a "gift" of a donation of a goat or chicken to a needy person in a third world country, to help them survive. https://www.heifer.org/
Update. It has been two months since this incident and I am feeling a lot better about it. After thinking more about the situation I have realized a few things. While they do sometimes ask for expensive gifts, they are certainly not "materialistic". The kids receive one or two presents from their parents, and one or two presents from each set of grandparents and sometimes a present from other close relatives for their birthday and Christmas. Heck, Santa does not leave any presents only a filled Christmas Stocking.
And, I do ask for suggestions because giving gifts is my love language. Also, IMHO, if a child only receives four or five total presents for their birthday or Christmas, they better be things that they really want and will enjoy.
Now the family really, really values "experiences" such as family vacations, and visiting museums/art exhibits/nature centers/cultural events. And, I am sometimes included in those activities. The family also does a lot of "family things" such as cooking together, playing games, going for bike rides, and doing crafts and projects together.
And, in retrospect, I have received some small physical gifts, in the past. But, I do like surprises and something physical (especially now that I am a widow) for Christmas and my birthday.
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Man, I was certainly surprised!
