I am the worst cook on the planet

[quiet walker]

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

... Kind of like the lottery when you have the machine pick your numbers for you. My success rate hovers at about 40%. I feel like my oven is always saying "Ya feelin' lucky today, lady? Well, are ya? Go ahead... make my day."

HA HA! Thanks for giving me a pepsi out the nose moment. Thank goodness I wasn't drinking a pepsi

... What prompted this confession to the world today is that yesterday I tried to make bread ...

My gosh, that would intimidate me, nothing simple there. I remember my ex's somewhat... um.. suggestive description of kneading bread dough, the way it feels, and the way she could sense it "pushing back" when it was just right.

I'm the same age as you, and had a similar range of things I cook well, or thought I did. You probably have more if you really think about it. I didn't watch my parents or grandparents when I was a kid in the 50's, took them for granted. They're all gone now and I can't ask them anymore. I have managed to make pretty good approximations of some of the dishes I loved from back then, several with the wonderful help from this group. Thanks to them, the dishes I know have improved and ones never attempted have been tried with amazingly delightful results.

Take just one thing new (not as daunting as bread), and enjoy! I recently started a whole thread here about a cabbage I had bought, determined to prepare this vegetable that I would have never considered before. (Isn't it strange that one would be intimidated by a cabbage?!) Lots of help later, I had prepared it several delicious ways, and some left over produced a surprisingly good soup. Now cabbage has joined the list of my veggie resources. Just before Christmas, encouraged by reading this group, I baked my first pie, a big apple beauty that turned out perfect. I didn't write about it here because I cheated with a Pillsbury crust, however used real apples, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and lemon. So that is my next project - pie crust. From reading here, I know it will be a fun adventure

[totallyfrazzled]

When I was in my late 20s there was one particular dish that I could always manage to make well, and so that was that I'd make when it came to the point of "making the first dinner for the boyfriend". The recipe was in a French cookbook. The ingredients included chopped ham, heavy cream, six (?) eggs, shredded Gruyere cheese, and egg noodles, layered together and baked. It was called 'Noodle Souffle' but in retrospect I can see that it should have been called 'Heart Attack On A Plate'! It was really really good but nowdays I wouldn't touch anything like that with a ten-foot pole.

Even finding recipes that start out as do-able is a challenge nowadays, which of course doesn't help because once I have to omit or substitute things, I'm starting out at a disadvantage. These are the foods that I can't or don't eat:

Can't eat (for health/medical reasons):
Egg yolks (cholesterol)
Whole milk (ditto)
Cheese (ditto)
Butter (ditto)
Red meat, i.e. beef/pork/lamb (cholesterol and also 'philosophical' reasons)
Grapefruit (allergic; break out in hives)
Kiwi fruit (ditto)
Onions, scallions, leeks (allergic; really bad stomach reaction)
Garlic (ditto)
Shellfish (ditto)
Sodium restricted (I prefer to keep the sodium level to under 100 mg per serving of anything, but 300 mg/serving is the absolute most that we eat. We use "light salt" which is half sodium chloride and half potassium chloride when we do use it)

Won't eat (by personal preference):
Fish (we take fish oil capsules daily though)
Anything fried, or skin-on poultry
Anything containing high fructose corn syrup
Anything containing partially hydrogenated oils and/or trans fats

The problem I run into many times with recipes is the inclusion of onions and/or garlic which I have to cut out, and since those are pretty "powerful" ingredients that alone is going to alter the results fairly significantly. I wouldn't care as long as it ended up edible but most times the results range from "blah" to "blecch". So now I basically just pass by any recipe that includes more than a very small amount of either of those ingredients.

I experimented with tofu recipes for awhile but just couldn't get up any enthusiasm for them since by nature tofu needs to absorb other seasonings to make it remotely edible. I've rarely seen a tofu recipe that didn't include onion, garlic, or lots of high-sodium soy sauce, so gave up on that.

Earlier this year I bought a few "low fat" cookbooks that claimed you can replace the fats in butter, whole milk, eggs, etc with other ingredients such as applesauce, prune puree, and so forth. Wasted a lot of time and money on those recipes and didn't come up with ONE result that we thought was worth eating. I'd rather not have a muffin at all than one that tastes like cardboard.

I wish I was more confident about how to use olive oil or canola oil to replace butter in the recipes that call for it. Or even if it can be done successfully.

[LaceyEx]

With that list you really are limited and I can see how that would affect your thrill in cooking.

[sportsfangal]

I think that the things you list you are good at are perfectly aceptable meals. If you could get fish and meats down better, I'd say you could "cook".
just because you have difficult with bread, you shouldn't worry. Baking, and bread/pasta especially, are difficult things to master, IMO. Possible, but slightly difficult.
I feel that I am a great cook, but there are just a few things that I have trouble with, rice and hard boiled eggs are my nemesis'. Rice, because I can never get the water-to-rice ratio correct, and HB eggs because I either cook them too long or not long enough.
But give me a salmon filet, chicken, turkey, roast pork loin, veggies, etc. and I'm all good!!!
oh, I do get nervous cooking something new for a new guy, though!!

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

Okay, confession time: I am probably the worst cook on the planet. You know how they say people who can grow plants have a "green thumb", and those who practically shrivel plants by looking crossways at them, have a "black thumb"? Well, I have the culinary equivalent of a black thumb. I suppose that's a black spoon? Or a Spoon of Death, or whatever.

Seriously. When it comes to cooking I am pathetic (which is nothing new; I'm 60, not some kid messing around in the kitchen).

I can follow a recipe exactly... meticulously... to the letter, and 95% of the time the results can be charitably described in 3- or 4-letter words such as "ugh", "ick", or "yuck".

It's not like I'm cooking with stone knives over a campfire either. Good reliable accurate appliances. I can't even blame my failures on the equipment!

Here is a list of what I can reliably count on to turn out perfectly every time:

Steamed fresh vegetables (plain)
Roast chicken
Vegetables cut up, tossed with olive oil/salt/pepper/spices, and roasted
Chili
Homemade hummus
Ratatouille
Pasta
Rice (but only since I invested in a Zojirushi rice cooker; the less said about rice before that, the better)

We no longer eat red meat, and don't eat fish, so at least I don't need to worry about destroying expensive proteins anymore.

Anything baked (cookies, cake, pie) is always a tossup. Kind of like the lottery when you have the machine pick your numbers for you. My success rate hovers at about 40%. I feel like my oven is always saying "Ya feelin' lucky today, lady? Well, are ya? Go ahead... make my day."

What prompted this confession to the world today is that yesterday I tried to make bread. Simple white bread, from scratch, because I was curious as to how different it would be from the loaf that my Just For Dinner Breadmaker produces. And after all, there are only FOUR ingredients, right? Flour, salt, yeast, and water. Simple directions. Idiot-proof if followed exactly. Right?

Wrong. What eventually came out of my oven had a bricklike exterior and an interior that could probably be used as packing material. The birds at my feeder would even have turned up their beaks at it.

Clearly, when the Culinary Genes were distributed I was off somewhere digging in the dirt (yes I'm good with plants, although, not surprisingly, not with edibles; for instance, my experiment with "super sweet" carrots resembled orange-painted dowels in both appearance and taste).

Just wondering if anyone else is or has been remotely as pitiful in the kitchen as I am?

[quiet walker]

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

... Even finding recipes that start out as do-able is a challenge nowadays, which of course doesn't help because once I have to omit or substitute things, I'm starting out at a disadvantage ...

In many ways, your available foods sound a whole lot like a main stream vegetarian diet, which many people thrive on and is no big deal. There is plenty of good protein available from vegetable sources (outside of the notorious tofu ) You did not list beans and corn as taboo(?). Take a look at the Vegetarian-Vegan-Food part of this forum for some ideas. As with anything, you don't have to adopt the diet 100%. Try a few things. Have you tried non-dairy milk substitutes - soy milk - rice milk? You can pick up a carton at the grocery store.

Do you have a Seventh Day Adventist hospital in or near your community? SDA's are vegetarian. There are several SDA hospitals in my region and they offer outreach health and wellness programs which include great cooking classes where you create tasty dishes and they're fun. There was no proselytizing in the classes I attended, just a nice way to meet folks and spend an enjoyable evening.

Well, that's enough for now. Try a few things and let us know how you're doing. Cheers qw

[quiet walker]

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

... Here is a list of what I can reliably count on to turn out perfectly every time:

Steamed fresh vegetables (plain)
Roast chicken
Vegetables cut up, tossed with olive oil/salt/pepper/spices, and roasted
Chili
Homemade hummus
Ratatouille
Pasta
Rice ...

I should have gone back to your first post While my last response was in regards to your list of "can'ts" you sure have a great list of "cans" Looks like a great basis for a lot of yummy dishes. I wish I could make Ratatouille. Maybe I'll get over my wariness of eggplants like I did with cabbages

[totallyfrazzled]

Originally Posted by quiet walker

You did not list beans and corn as taboo(?).

I love chickpeas, black beans, and light red kidney beans, and eat something bean-based every day! And corn is my favorite grain, actually. I slather my homemade hummus onto these great Corn Thins that we buy at Whole Foods. They're from Australia and are fantastic and super-healthy: Corn Thins

I tried the soy milks but just can't get past the taste, or rather the aftertaste. Just like tofu, to me anything from soybeans tastes exactly like Play-Doh smells... if you can imagine that. Tried the rice milks and was less than impressed. For a while I was buying the Rice Dream "ice creams" until I realized that I was always very very thirsty afterward, almost like I'd eaten too much salt. That's when I learned that "Natural Flavorings" is an ingredient euphemism for MSG. That's why people who are sensitive to MSG or on low-sodium diets should avoid packaged products that include "Natural Flavorings" in the ingredient list. So I stopped buy it (it was really expensive anyway, and the only flavor I really liked was the chocolate; didn't care for the others). I definitely don't like any of the soy-based desserts.

I never knew that about the SDA hospitals but no, we have none of those here on Long Island at all. All the hospitals here are either your basic generic variety or Catholic.

[nomoresnow]

Originally Posted by sportsfangal

I think that the things you list you are good at are perfectly aceptable meals. If you could get fish and meats down better, I'd say you could "cook".
just because you have difficult with bread, you shouldn't worry. Baking, and bread/pasta especially, are difficult things to master, IMO. Possible, but slightly difficult.
I feel that I am a great cook, but there are just a few things that I have trouble with, rice and hard boiled eggs are my nemesis'. Rice, because I can never get the water-to-rice ratio correct, and HB eggs because I either cook them too long or not long enough.
But give me a salmon filet, chicken, turkey, roast pork loin, veggies, etc. and I'm all good!!!
oh, I do get nervous cooking something new for a new guy, though!!

HB eggs: put eggs in pot, cover with cold water. Bring to a boil. As soon as it starts to boil, set your timer for 12 minutes. They'll be perfectly done and not grey at all. DH showed me that when we first got married and I haven't wrecked an egg since! Oh, rinse in cold water and peel, but you knew that!

[NicoleJ]

Originally Posted by totallyfrazzled

Well, I have the culinary equivalent of a black thumb. I suppose that's a black spoon? Or a Spoon of Death, or whatever.

Anything baked (cookies, cake, pie) is always a tossup. Kind of like the lottery when you have the machine pick your numbers for you. My success rate hovers at about 40%. I feel like my oven is always saying "Ya feelin' lucky today, lady? Well, are ya? Go ahead... make my day."

OMG, I have been having such a bad day, but you just made me smile. You're hilarious!