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My friends are raising a granddaughter who is now 13 years old. She was a difficult child and has become impossible as a young teen. Her behaviors include sneaking out, hanging with undesirable kids at her North Arlington middle school, stealing booze from her grandparents' home. She is constantly skipping school. She also hits her grandmother and kicks her grandfather. She has smashed windows and (in anger over being grounded) intentionally taken a hammer and smashed walls and doors in the house. Her grandfather's business went bankrupt 2 years ago and the family is in great financial hardship. The family had to appear in court for this child school truency. The marriage if falling apart and the grandparents' health is getting bad. They spoiled this kid; have had her since she was a baby. Her dad is is prison and her mother is mentally ill (comes and goes from the household).
With all that, does anyone know of any intervention programs? This kid is so out of control, she really needs to be removed from the household and they do agree to that fact. They just don't have income at this time. Anyone have any ideas?
YIKES!!! Feel bad for the grandparents. They have tried and with no help from the girls parents at all.
She sounds pretty violent and I don't think I could sleep well at all w/ her in the house. Till she IS put in a safe home there are a few things I'd do in the meantime to insure the safety of not only her but her grandparents.
I'd start w/ alarms on all the doors and windows. It might be cheaper to get an alarm company to install a system than to get the ones for each door/window that even pool supply places have that are around $99. For that they could probably get an entire system put in. The second a door or window is opened it goes off. I would NOT tell the girl the code either. It doesn't need to be monitored since they are not worried about someone breaking in.
Second, while the grandparents might enjoy a nice drink now and then..... it's time to GET IT OUT OF THE HOUSE! Don't even have it there for her to get her hands on.
Do the grandparents have a family friend that can also come and stay so they can take turns staying awake around the clock to make sure this girl doesn't go totally crazy and try to kill her grandparents? This doesn't sound like the kind of person that I'd be comfortable laying my head down at night and not knowing how pissed she is going to get that there is no alcohol in the house and the place is on an alarm. They might also resort to seriously, locking her into her bedroom at night. In case of a fire, there is a window she CAN get out or rescuers can get to her. This would be for her own good and for the well being of her only caregivers.
There are intervention programs. Have they talkd to the school counselor at all? They should have some resources or contact numbers/agencies they can get ahold of. They might have to call the Texas Youth Commission. Some programs are only going to take her if she has a record or being charged with something. They really might have to the next time she does ANYTHING pick up the phone and call 911. It might be the only way to save her.
Best of luck to your friends and their family. It's gotta be a tough situation to be in and of course breaks their heart I'm sure.
YIKES!!! Feel bad for the grandparents. They have tried and with no help from the girls parents at all.
She sounds pretty violent and I don't think I could sleep well at all w/ her in the house. Till she IS put in a safe home there are a few things I'd do in the meantime to insure the safety of not only her but her grandparents.
I'd start w/ alarms on all the doors and windows. It might be cheaper to get an alarm company to install a system than to get the ones for each door/window that even pool supply places have that are around $99. For that they could probably get an entire system put in. The second a door or window is opened it goes off. I would NOT tell the girl the code either. It doesn't need to be monitored since they are not worried about someone breaking in.
Second, while the grandparents might enjoy a nice drink now and then..... it's time to GET IT OUT OF THE HOUSE! Don't even have it there for her to get her hands on.
Programs and Facilities (http://www.tyc.state.tx.us/programs/index.html - broken link)
Their other adult daughter (not the child's bio mom) is spending a lot of time giving her parents respite with this niece. However that daughter also is a mom (to my grandkid) and so her little girl gets pulled into the drama --- which is also impacting another family and another marriage.... (my son doesn't want his kid in this environment, bad vibes and danger).
Liquor is locked up and teen thinks its out of the house. Grandfather installed alarm system and this teen SLICED THE WIRES AND TOOK A HAMMER AND SMASHED THE BOX.
Yes, I am scared for all and deeply concerned. Have known these folks for 15 years and they are friends and co-grandparents. However, at this time I am more than happy to assume all grandparent babysitting of our mutual grandkid to keep her out of this household...... thanks for links and any thoughts most appreciated!
At this age the kids do not see future reprocussions, they only know that waht they want (boyfriend, social life etc...) is a life or death, need to have NOW type of issue.
Teens are soooo impulsive etc...
The behavior that you are describing is WAYYY more serious than the run of the mill defiance, rule breaking, attitude, and "pushing the boundries" behavior that most teens will try.
At this age the kids do not see future reprocussions, they only know that waht they want (boyfriend, social life etc...) is a life or death, need to have NOW type of issue.
Teens are soooo impulsive etc...
The behavior that you are describing is WAYYY more serious than the run of the mill defiance, rule breaking, attitude, and "pushing the boundries" behavior that most teens will try.
I am sorry you have to deal with this.
The least expensive of those programs is almost $5K for 20 days.....requiring payment in full prior to admission with link to financing -- this family is just completing a bankruptcy and is hanging on by a financial thread. Very fragile situation for a couple in their mid-60's and will probably have to live on Social Security with no savings.... It is very serious behavior. I think they should relinguish the teen to the system to get the kid help but they won't do that......
1---if there is history of metal illness in close proximity--her mother--has she been evaluated by psychiatrist to see if she is bipolar or suffering from other metal illness like problems from her mother's drinking when pregnant with her (if that was problem then)
there are plenty of children/young adults who are problems because they have metal illness which is undiagnosed and/or untreated properly---I had students in past who were diagnosed bipolar who hated to take their meds because of the side effects
2--don't mean to hurt your feelings or accuse your friends of anything improper but when a child has history of acting out with violent outbursts--one explanation can be abuse--even when the child does not remember--the anger is still there and the fear which can cause pathological behavior--
as aspect of metal illness to be sure but not necessarily a chemical imbalance in the brain like bipolarism
My experience in school has been that
1--students and their parents can fall back on a diagnosis of bipolar condition and get someone to certify it when that is not really the case but it is convenient hook to excuse student's poor behavior, acting out and failing grades and absolve the parents of any responsibility beyond medicating the child
2--some students are never property counseled/diagnosed because parents don't want to go down that road and schools can back off suggesting it because they don't want backlash from parents
3--sometimes with proper diagnosis and treatment bad/selfdestructive behavior is corrected
So I would suggest the parents contact someone with Cooks Childrens hospital--if they are as lacking in financial resources as you say then it is likely the girl would qualify for treatment based on sliding scale or none--maybe Medicaid/CHIPS program
IF the grandparents are only guardians for the girl--and did not legally adopt her--their financial situation is not really the basis for how HER financial worth is calculated for govt programs--
her mother's income and father's would be--
and if there is no legal guardianship just a tacit one--then they are going to have to get something giving them the right to take her for diagnosis
And in addition to that--understand that scientists are just starting to give credence to the information/stance that a teen's brain does not function as an adult's does
which means that there are chemical imbalances happening due to start of puberty and other factors--
so that teens are always operating under a different schema than adult brains
My husband has man who works for him--married with two sons--supposedly the first son was find until he got old enough to drive--before that he was honor student, top soccer player, college-aspirant--
once they bought him a car and he started having more freedom, he went completely off the rails--
he has wrecked 3 or 4 cars/trucks,
been caught DWI and gotten minor slap on the wrist,
gone from smoking dope to heroin use--and the heroin he started when he was senior in hs probably
almost did not graduate high school because of all his absenses (aided and abetted by his mom half the time)
was head over heels for girl whose used drugs as well and whose brother went to jail for selling drugs--she is one who got him started-when his famiy tried to get him to break up with her, he moved out and went to live with her or flopped with other druggie friends and then he would move back home when he needed money to buy dope
had some violent altercations during the years with his dad/mom where they have been afraid he would come back with a gun
was in and out of college every semester--on sco-pro--drained the college account his parents had for him
they took him for counseling finally when he had been doing this for 4 yrs--after he was 18--
he was classified as "depressed" but they were not telling the doctor the truth about the drug use either from what we were told and frankly I don't think that "counselor" did any good for them at all--some counselors are just not very good at achieving results
Parents would threated him with "tough love" but don't follow through--they are afraid of him but won't call the police--
so they are just as disfunctional as he is
the second son has some problems with being destructive and probably drinking but he graduated hs and was accepted at TTech and is doing ok in Lubbock his first year--
Your family-in-question need counseling from someone who knows what s/he is doing and the girl needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist--in my opinion
behavior she is exhibiting is more than just a spoiled child
1---if there is history of metal illness in close proximity--her mother--has she been evaluated by psychiatrist to see if she is bipolar or suffering from other metal illness like problems from her mother's drinking when pregnant with her (if that was problem then)
there are plenty of children/young adults who are problems because they have metal illness which is undiagnosed and/or untreated properly---I had students in past who were diagnosed bipolar who hated to take their meds because of the side effects
2--don't mean to hurt your feelings or accuse your friends of anything improper but when a child has history of acting out with violent outbursts--one explanation can be abuse--even when the child does not remember--the anger is still there and the fear which can cause pathological behavior--
as aspect of metal illness to be sure but not necessarily a chemical imbalance in the brain like bipolarism
My experience in school has been that
1--students and their parents can fall back on a diagnosis of bipolar condition and get someone to certify it when that is not really the case but it is convenient hook to excuse student's poor behavior, acting out and failing grades and absolve the parents of any responsibility beyond medicating the child
2--some students are never property counseled/diagnosed because parents don't want to go down that road and schools can back off suggesting it because they don't want backlash from parents
3--sometimes with proper diagnosis and treatment bad/selfdestructive behavior is corrected
So I would suggest the parents contact someone with Cooks Childrens hospital--if they are as lacking in financial resources as you say then it is likely the girl would qualify for treatment based on sliding scale or none--maybe Medicaid/CHIPS program
IF the grandparents are only guardians for the girl--and did not legally adopt her--their financial situation is not really the basis for how HER financial worth is calculated for govt programs--
her mother's income and father's would be--
and if there is no legal guardianship just a tacit one--then they are going to have to get something giving them the right to take her for diagnosis
And in addition to that--understand that scientists are just starting to give credence to the information/stance that a teen's brain does not function as an adult's does
which means that there are chemical imbalances happening due to start of puberty and other factors--
so that teens are always operating under a different schema than adult brains
Your family-in-question need counseling from someone who knows what s/he is doing and the girl needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist--in my opinion
behavior she is exhibiting is more than just a spoiled child
This girl's grandparents have legal guardianship but did not adopt her. I have suggested starting with her doctor but the response "she won't get in the car....kicks, bites, pushes...we are not physically strong enough to force her." This kid's legacy is a dad in jail and a mom with schizophrenia whose own disorder did not evidence itself until age 19 with entirely different symptoms; so they are convinced this is not the same thing. Agree the whole family is a mess and I care for these people...but it is now impacting my son's marriage (these are my DIL's parents) because his wife is heavily into the drama and takes my own grandkid over there and my little grandkid gets to witness her cousin's behavior. I have no concerns about any abuse going on in grandparents' house but who knows 24/7 what goes on in someone else's life. Thanks for the link; I will pass it on to this girl's grandmother.
I know those places are expensive... It was really just a suggestion on where to start.
There are organizations that will fund the cost...it just takes alot of searching etc...
IF your son's in laws are active in a church they might be able to suggest a program. Or help raise funds to help the couple deal with this situation.
I really do feel bad for them but also feel the teen is on a downward spiral and if not "helped" now she will only continue and end up in a state facility. That that really wont "help" her, it will get her out of the way so to speak.
Have they tried to talk to the school resource officer? Maybe a stint in Juvinal detention will her realize how good she has it. (or it could backfire)
This girl's grandparents have legal guardianship but did not adopt her. I have suggested starting with her doctor but the response "she won't get in the car....kicks, bites, pushes...we are not physically strong enough to force her." This kid's legacy is a dad in jail and a mom with schizophrenia whose own disorder did not evidence itself until age 19 with entirely different symptoms; so they are convinced this is not the same thing. Agree the whole family is a mess and I care for these people...but it is now impacting my son's marriage (these are my DIL's parents) because his wife is heavily into the drama and takes my own grandkid over there and my little grandkid gets to witness her cousin's behavior. I have no concerns about any abuse going on in grandparents' house but who knows 24/7 what goes on in someone else's life. Thanks for the link; I will pass it on to this girl's grandmother.
YIKES!!! I'd not want my grandchild there AT ALL either. I'm with you. I'd volunteer at any time of day or night to keep her to keep her CLEAR AWAY from this situation to keep her safe. She does NOT belong in this situation at all. If her own mother can't see that...... that is scray in and of itself.
Since she won't get in the car to go to the doctor and fights back........ then it's time that they just pick up the phone and call 911. With no finances to help she is going to have to go into the system. The only way they are going to get her there is with the help of the local authorities. Someone needs to just adult up in this case and be the one to call on her. If her dad is in jail and mom has a history of mental illness........ she needs help and she needs it BAD and NOW! She has some hope but they are going to have to do it NOW while she is still a juvienile. If they wait till she is 18 then there is no way as she would have to approve of the help herself and it doesn't sound like she would.
I can imagine this is hard on all of them. She is still a child and does not realize the curse of her actions that it's going to put on her for the rest of her life. How it's breaking her grandparents hearts and an aunt that does care about her and wants the best for her.
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