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Old 10-22-2011, 12:44 PM
 
18,836 posts, read 37,442,188 times
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Sometimes you just have to leave. She can survive without you. You can survive on your own. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Ramen is yummy.
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Old 10-22-2011, 01:00 PM
 
7,214 posts, read 9,416,626 times
Reputation: 7803
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Sometimes you just have to leave. She can survive without you. You can survive on your own. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Ramen is yummy.
Yeah, I really think the OP needs to tell her mom it's time to make other arrangements. It's so clear from her other posts that this arrangement is ruining her life and slowly draining her.
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Old 10-22-2011, 01:02 PM
 
10,494 posts, read 27,306,767 times
Reputation: 6718
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
Long, long story short, I'm 31 and take care of my elderly mother who has multiple health problems. I love her, but I really REALLY need some space of my own. Even if I spent all day with her and just went to my own apartment to sleep, it would give me a place to decompress and just have some SILENCE.

I've turned down job opportunities and promotions in the past because I wouldn't have had the time I needed to care for her. My current job allows me to work from home part of the week and has been very flexible in meeting my needs. But it isn't high paying- I bring home about 1,500 a month.

I'm thinking that would be enough for a little one bedroom apartment, yes? Because I've been her caretaker since a young age (13), I've never had the chance to be on my own, and she's always told me I can't possibly afford my own place (she's a wee bit manipulative and afraid of being on her own). Right now I pay most of the household bills, but there is money coming in for other sources

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that it is possible to live as a single person on that budget. I'm fairly good with my money and never have any major debts, always pay my bills, don't have credit cards, etc...
I wish I made $1,500 a month. I am netting $840 a month and do have my own apartment and car (no payments). I am not on any government assistance, but I am still getting by. You should have no problem living off of $1,500 a month at all.
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Old 10-22-2011, 01:29 PM
 
10,117 posts, read 19,456,227 times
Reputation: 17452
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
I live in South Jersey.

I've owned my car for years, so no monthly payments there.

My mother is not yet ready to admit she needs a nurse, and not yet at the point where I can force the issue. She would be able to pay her bills on her own- I pay them to help out, and because she's not good with money and will spend what she does not have. We had the house free and clear, but she's remortgaged it twice for things like furniture or siding. She's also at the point where she can't handle the checkbook, so I would have to set her budget and pay them for her. I'd also probably give her some spending money out of my salary, because she wouldn't have much left over.

I know I would be better off money-wise staying here, but if I have to do this for another 10-20 years I'm going to break. Plus I'm thinking I may have my own my place for a time, but as she gets worse I'll probably have to move back in.

If you stay there another 10-20 years your life will be over. Please find some way to get out of this situation now!
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Old 10-22-2011, 05:09 PM
 
Location: I'm where I want to be. Are you?
19,281 posts, read 16,804,927 times
Reputation: 33454
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Sometimes you just have to leave. She can survive without you. You can survive on your own. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Ramen is yummy.

After reading a little more from the OP about his mother, I don't think she CAN survive without some sort of help. She has some mental disability; memory loss and irrational outbursts, an inability to do basic day-to-day tasks, i.e. managing her checkbook.

Still, the OP should be getting outside help so he isn't shouldering the entire responsibility. He's a good guy for trying to do the right thing but the right thing for his mom isn't necessarily the right thing for him. JMO
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Old 10-22-2011, 07:20 PM
 
Location: On a Farm & by the sea
1,145 posts, read 2,881,907 times
Reputation: 1016
PJ, you have to make this move for yourself. It doesn't sound like you are abandoning your mother. You will continue to participate and oversee her care. I can empathize completely as I was in a similar but less intense situation with my beloved mother. You love her but it isn't fair for her to cannabilize your vibrant life. You've already said that she isn't capable/reasonable so it isn't her fault but you have to overcome your guilt or fear of some harm coming to her and step out to begin to make a life for yourself. If she was completely healthy in mind and spirit, she would want this for you. You make good decisions for her....make this one for yourself. Even if it is a struggle, you are on the right path. Good luck and prayers for much happiness and peace.....
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Old 10-22-2011, 09:46 PM
 
Location: MO->MI->CA->TX->MA
7,031 posts, read 14,519,362 times
Reputation: 5586
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
Long, long story short, I'm 31 and take care of my elderly mother who has multiple health problems. I love her, but I really REALLY need some space of my own. Even if I spent all day with her and just went to my own apartment to sleep, it would give me a place to decompress and just have some SILENCE.

I've turned down job opportunities and promotions in the past because I wouldn't have had the time I needed to care for her. My current job allows me to work from home part of the week and has been very flexible in meeting my needs. But it isn't high paying- I bring home about 1,500 a month.

I'm thinking that would be enough for a little one bedroom apartment, yes? Because I've been her caretaker since a young age (13), I've never had the chance to be on my own, and she's always told me I can't possibly afford my own place (she's a wee bit manipulative and afraid of being on her own). Right now I pay most of the household bills, but there is money coming in for other sources

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that it is possible to live as a single person on that budget. I'm fairly good with my money and never have any major debts, always pay my bills, don't have credit cards, etc...
I've lived on a $1500/mo budget in California for over a year.. some of my friends say I still live like a college student.

Rent: $610/mo (share with roommates)
Gas: $100/mo
Utilities including Internet: $60/mo
Mobile Phone (Virgin Mobile): $25/mo
Food: $250/mo (minimal eating out, always cooking whenever possible.)
Health Insurance: 0 (employer paid)
Auto Insurance: $50/mo (no need for comp on $1000 car.)
Entertainment and misc (one time expenses): $400/mo (I could cut here if very desperate.)

Total: $1495/mo
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Old 10-23-2011, 11:34 AM
Status: "It's WARY, or LEERY (weary means tired)" (set 13 days ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
16,118 posts, read 21,263,056 times
Reputation: 43777
Do you have any savings at all?
You really need some sort of cushion for emergencies, a couple of thousand at least for things like a new transmission for the car or whatever.
If you have a good sized rainy day fund I think you'd be in a much better position to move out and be able to make it on the small amount you'll be living on.
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Old 10-23-2011, 01:06 PM
 
2,873 posts, read 5,866,349 times
Reputation: 4342
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Do you have any savings at all?
You really need some sort of cushion for emergencies, a couple of thousand at least for things like a new transmission for the car or whatever.
If you have a good sized rainy day fund I think you'd be in a much better position to move out and be able to make it on the small amount you'll be living on.
I do...I have 3,500 in savings. I always try to have money in case of veterinary emergencies, and I've had to use it enough to be very aware of the need for a emergency fund.
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Old 10-23-2011, 01:47 PM
 
Location: nc
436 posts, read 1,525,944 times
Reputation: 463
What about getting a new place for both of you? Maybe a house a little bigger where the rooms are more spread out or a two story place where there is one bedroom on the first floor and one on the second floor. Then you could tell her that your space is upstairs/downstairs. Or what about a place with an in-law apartment. Then you would still be there in case of an emergency but you could go to your own space.
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