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Old 10-26-2011, 09:41 PM
 
2,873 posts, read 5,866,964 times
Reputation: 4342

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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
It sounds like the OP is taking care of someone who is, at most, middle-aged (50s?) and is mentally unwell. I agree with those who sympathize with OP's great desire to have a modest, live-alone-with-cat life. I'm from south Jersey (was just there this past weekend) and there's a lot of variation in areas, cost-wise, and car-dependence-wise. Yes, the car is paid for now, but cars age. Sounds like the mother owns her house (technically- if she's taken money out twice from equity) and likely isn't old enough or have enough equity for a reverse mortgage. Yes, OP could manage mother's finances from a distance- is OP legally guardian or whatever you'd call it?
I absolutely do not think we owe mentally ill/manipulative/"helpless" parents our lives. (Disclaimer- I had such a mother). OP really wants a modest life and deserves to get it. Best wishes.
That's one of my biggest complications...I DON'T have legal guardianship. She's 63, and has good days and bad days. There are times where she is barely functional, and times where you only know something is off because she'll repeat the same questions multiple times. Because I'm not her legal guardian, I can't force her to get a home nurse or to give me complete control of the finances. It would be easier if I could say 'okay, this is what we're going to do', but I can't.

Which is why another big issue is that I'm not sure how to discuss the idea of my moving out. I know she's going to be hurt, upset, etc...the last time it was mentioned she cried. So that's a tough one.
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Old 10-26-2011, 10:43 PM
 
5,730 posts, read 10,148,621 times
Reputation: 8052
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
I have a full time job (salaried, so I don't get paid overtime), plus I have my writing that I'm trying to do. That said, I really want to work at our local wildlife sanctuary, even for low pay. I'm a trained veterinary technician (that's what I went to college for) and really miss working with animals. I just have no idea how I would fit it in.

If you have a full time job that pays $1,500...

You need to quit!
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Old 10-26-2011, 10:57 PM
 
18,746 posts, read 33,490,269 times
Reputation: 37386
So she'll cry. Who wouldn't want a personal servant from age 13 on? Does OP have any social services involvement, like a social worker or therapist or Countil on Aging or whatever?
I say again, no one owes a manipulative person/parent their whole life. Sounds like OP could make a nice modest life with interests and quiet living. If you're working for short money, maybe it'd be more satisfying to work full-time as a vet tech?
I think OP might benefit from some counseling of some kind to get out from under mother. Yes, I'm told I can be a bit chilly! But OP's sanity sounds OK, but happiness could be closer by. Best wishes
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Old 10-27-2011, 03:08 AM
 
2,873 posts, read 5,866,964 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Themanwithnoname View Post
If you have a full time job that pays $1,500...

You need to quit!

Keep in mind that's what I bring home after taxes and health/dental insurance. But, ah, yeah...like I said, I mostly stay there because it gives me a lot of flexibility. Thus far they've been very good about letting me change my hours around so I can take mom to her doctor's appts, etc.
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:11 AM
 
5,730 posts, read 10,148,621 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
Keep in mind that's what I bring home after taxes and health/dental insurance. But, ah, yeah...like I said, I mostly stay there because it gives me a lot of flexibility. Thus far they've been very good about letting me change my hours around so I can take mom to her doctor's appts, etc.
I was. I don't think I'd get out of bed for $500 (Take home) a week.
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:20 AM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,775 posts, read 11,938,850 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Themanwithnoname View Post
I was. I don't think I'd get out of bed for $500 (Take home) a week.
Lucky you! There are millions out here who'd just about give their right arm to make that money. I live on less and do quite well. I net, on average, $1500 mo., pay all my expenses and can still plunk a hefty amount into savings. It CAN be done but some folks might feel mightily deprived.
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Old 10-27-2011, 05:19 PM
 
304 posts, read 619,435 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Themanwithnoname View Post
I was. I don't think I'd get out of bed for $500 (Take home) a week.
You would if that was your only source of income.
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Old 10-27-2011, 05:24 PM
 
Location: A blue island in the Piedmont
34,168 posts, read 83,273,883 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1brokegirl View Post
You would if that was your only source of income.
you don't know what he can earn staying in bed
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Old 10-27-2011, 05:29 PM
 
304 posts, read 619,435 times
Reputation: 472
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
you don't know what he can earn staying in bed
Well, tell me more then, because I work 40+ hours a week and take home less than OP

And I do think OP can live off that - it's not like it's NYC or LA. Then I would say He** no.
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Old 10-27-2011, 06:29 PM
 
Location: Massachusetts
9,545 posts, read 16,586,522 times
Reputation: 14589
I hope a solution is made on this that benefits both of you, because it is difficult to read it anymore. I can understand your predicament, but I can't help but feel badly for your mother also.
If your mother is aware of you wanting to leave so much and is hurting so much, then I can't help but wonder where all this turmoil could lead. Truthfully I don't have a good feeling about all of this. Call it instincts.

I really think the time has come for you to contact Social Services, or as I recommended before Senior Services in your community. Those agencies would provide information and guidance, as how to handle this type of situation. I can guarantee they have seen the same family situations before, and have the training to help remedy them.

If your this unhappy in the living arrangement you have had for such a long time, and again that is understandable. Then something has to be done about this. Remember we are only hearing your side of this, which has gotten to be a heartbreaking story to read. Its not doing you and your mother any good and it has to be fixed NOW.

If your mother is in the conditions you mention, and your life is so impacted that you don't want any part of living with your mother. Then please contact someone NOW.

Citydata is for information and people mean well, but this family type issue has to be dealth with by professionals. An older woman with the problems you mentioned, needs some help and not being left alone. You need to get out on your own and thats what you should be doing. So again please contact the agencies I mentioned, so that both of you can find a peaceful and loving way to deal with this.
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