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Old 10-27-2011, 07:05 PM
 
2,873 posts, read 5,866,047 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimrob1 View Post
I hope a solution is made on this that benefits both of you, because it is difficult to read it anymore. I can understand your predicament, but I can't help but feel badly for your mother also.
If your mother is aware of you wanting to leave so much and is hurting so much, then I can't help but wonder where all this turmoil could lead. Truthfully I don't have a good feeling about all of this. Call it instincts.

I really think the time has come for you to contact Social Services, or as I recommended before Senior Services in your community. Those agencies would provide information and guidance, as how to handle this type of situation. I can guarantee they have seen the same family situations before, and have the training to help remedy them.

If your this unhappy in the living arrangement you have had for such a long time, and again that is understandable. Then something has to be done about this. Remember we are only hearing your side of this, which has gotten to be a heartbreaking story to read. Its not doing you and your mother any good and it has to be fixed NOW.

If your mother is in the conditions you mention, and your life is so impacted that you don't want any part of living with your mother. Then please contact someone NOW.

Citydata is for information and people mean well, but this family type issue has to be dealth with by professionals. An older woman with the problems you mentioned, needs some help and not being left alone. You need to get out on your own and thats what you should be doing. So again please contact the agencies I mentioned, so that both of you can find a peaceful and loving way to deal with this.
I completely hear you, and I do not disagree.

However, things are always complicated by the fact that my mother does not want to accept that her life is changing, or that her condition is worsening. This makes it very difficult or impossible to arrange for outside assistance. I can contact agencies (and I will), but if they want to send out a social worker, she's just going to refuse. On top of that, it's very likely that she will feel hurt and betrayed by the attempt, and cut off contact...which would only mean she has even less assistance than before.

She raised six children and was a very active, intelligent person in her younger years. She has suffered through many surgeries due to various health conditions...and after each one would be up the next day trying to do wash/cook/scrub floors. She has NEVER been able to accept being weak or needing help easily.

With her memory problems now, she is aware that she struggles to remember things. Yet she will defend herself by saying 'this isn't who I used to, I raised six children, etc."...she can only see where she was, not where she is NOW.

She needs counseling, and at times I can get her to agree to it...but she'll back out when it comes time to make the appointment.

Right now, she is actually fairly stable, and I wouldn't be afraid to leave her alone from the view point of worrying she'd hurt herself or burn the house down. If I continued to drop by to help with housework/cleaning and continued to check on her daily as I do now when I work outside the house, I think she would manage okay. I'm more worried that emotionally she would struggle, as she gets most of her social needs and emotional support from me. Honestly, I think a great deal could be helped by getting her into some activities like a senior club or book club...but again, she keeps backing out. That could even solve my need to get away, because I could drop her off and pick her up and have some 'me' time. She's embarrassed by her memory problems. Lately she's been interacting with some people online and writing back and forth, and she's been happier because of it.
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Old 10-27-2011, 10:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Themanwithnoname View Post
Yes, It is.

But I wasn't saying you needed that much.

If you've got suggestions for saving money, I'm very willing to listen
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Old 10-27-2011, 10:45 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by las vegas drunk View Post
I wish I made $1,500 a month. I am netting $840 a month and do have my own apartment and car (no payments). I am not on any government assistance, but I am still getting by. You should have no problem living off of $1,500 a month at all.

Can I ask what your expenses are in terms of utilities? I can't really use my mother's to judge, as she turns the heat on in the summer or the air on in the winter, so I know we're using way more of everything than we did to.
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Old 10-27-2011, 10:53 PM
 
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I should add that a lot of this isn't really about my mother as a person. When she's fairly stable and not having flare ups of either her disease or her medication, we get along fairly well. I love her and would do anything for her. I'm just a very solitary person and I've NEVER had a chance to really be alone. I'm not the type who requires social contact everyday. So a lot of this is just trying to get that for myself.

There's also the whole no more pets things, which honestly is becoming a deal breaker for me. We talked about it last night because I mentioned getting a bigger tank and she vetoed it because it was 'her house too'. Expect it wouldn't affect her in anyway whatsoever. I feel like at 31, if I want a fish tank, I can buy myself a fish tank.

So it's not even about her condition so much (well, some of it is), but about my own changing needs. The simple fact is she still has the mindset that I'm her daughter and this is her house (even as she acknowledges that I'm her caretaker), so I'm a guest despite everything. I'm not willing to play that role anymore.
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Old 10-28-2011, 01:20 PM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 3,041,117 times
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get a studio/efficiency apartment for your "own" time. You should be able to afford that without car payments.
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Old 10-29-2011, 09:14 AM
 
304 posts, read 619,221 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chuck_steak View Post
get a studio/efficiency apartment for your "own" time. You should be able to afford that without car payments.
I agree completely. I did this for years. With most apartments going for around $700 and up, I think you will have no choice but to rent a studio (if you want to live in a safe neighborhood).

Don't rent a room out of someone's house, you don't want to get into a legal thing if they all of a sudden decide they no longer want to rent out the room. Get a regular studio in an apartment building with an annual lease. Expect it to go up every year.
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Old 10-29-2011, 09:26 AM
 
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Paralllel, if your mom is as bad as you say on some days, it's possible you could get a court (after a doctor's exam) to give you control of her finances. I realize this would probably hurt your mother emotionally, but it might be for the best in the long run.
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Old 11-01-2011, 05:45 PM
 
5,730 posts, read 10,146,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
If you've got suggestions for saving money, I'm very willing to listen

Without specifics it's almost impossible to speak except in generalities such as don't get into debt etc.

But you have an income problem.

Something I CAN suggest is 'paying yourself first'

I just logged on to my bank, zeroed out what was left from last month, and transferred to savings my minimum savings this month.

Treat it like any bill.
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