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I'm in favor of judiciously preserving warts 'n all history because it can answer questions about the actions that later generations take. In some of the moves and migrations among family, I often wonder why 'X' family member chose to pull up stakes and move and the rest stayed - including still living parents and older generations? In some time periods there was almost an assurance that these people would never see one another ever again. Was it merely a chance to improve their lives economically or were there personal reasons behind the move?
My great-great grandmother moved from southern Missouri to western Illinois after marrying. Everyone else in her family stayed put. I didn't think much about that; it didn't seem like a great distance to me; until I got in touch with someone who shared those ancestors. She related to me that g-g grandma married a man a lot older (like 30 years - I already knew that) than her; her family totally disapproved of the match and threatened to disown her. The last part I had never heard about. Well, the marriage went through, the family "washed their hands of her" and the couple relocated. Offspring of the couple apparently were not allowed to have anything to do with their western relatives, but the next generation did begin to communicate. And that's how the information was preserved and passed to me.
In the beginning of my family history search I came across information about a distant relative who died in prison, charged with murder. I wondered why I never saw that information on any of the other family trees listed on Ancestry. Since it was a sensitive situation I didn't post it. Some months later, I heard from a direct descendant with whom I shared blood kin. She asked if she could take some documentation from my tree (yeah - a rare gesture from most researchers ) and asked for advice on further research. Some months later, I got an "OH MY GAWD!" message from her. She had discovered the century old news about the convicted murderer in her direct line. I kind of shuffled my feet and said "oh. so you found that" In an indignant vein, she asked why I didn't tell her about it. I merely replied that I had given her the path to follow, I knew she would find out about it. Also, that I didn't know her well enough to gauge her reaction should I be the revealer. She then asked me if she should tell other family about the man. I said that she would have to be the one to judge their coping skills. One positive reaction that came from her discovery of this knowledge: my fellow researcher had always wondered why her family, from two generations back, ended up in Florida while everyone else was in the Midwest. It's likely that the reason was to keep the kids of the convict from being the object of ridicule in that town. They were told some lie as they grew up, and that lie was never questioned.
And then there is a situation like the one related here: Dear Prudence: Should I tell my homophobic family that Grandma was gay? - Slate Magazine
To me, it would be a shame for the information about the gay grandma to be destroyed by intolerant family members. Thankfully there is at least one tolerant person who will preserve the story in an oral tradition if she isn't able to save the actual documentation. And future generations are likely to be more liberal and posthumously give the woman the kind of support she never got from her closest kin.
Last edited by silverwing; 04-04-2013 at 12:27 PM..
If I was trained as a modern journalist, or a prosecuting attorney, I suppose I would report it all the way I think I see it and let the chips fall no matter who it hurts. Luckily though I set out not to be a journalist or a lawyer but instead to simply document a family lineage. I have destroyed family letters that could have easily brought pain to living descendants simply because I knew descendants have no choice in who they are born to while society sometimes acts as though there is a choice.
I think time heals old wounds, and wisdom gives us clarity to better see. .
Quote:
Originally Posted by High_Plains_Retired
If I was trained as a modern journalist, or a prosecuting attorney, I suppose I would report it all the way I think I see it and let the chips fall no matter who it hurts. Luckily though I set out not to be a journalist or a lawyer but instead to simply document a family lineage. I have destroyed family letters that could have easily brought pain to living descendants simply because I knew descendants have no choice in who they are born to while society sometimes acts as though there is a choice.
I think it's important to document warts and all but that's why I also do a written family history, so I can explore the reasons why a person may have been the way they were. One of my ancestors was remembered by his grandchildren as "cold" and "unloveable" but in my written family history, I explained how this may have been the result of his hard background as a child of a poor family in industrial England who moved to America alone and worked hard to be a successful farmer with a very large estate. His children were members of high society so his work ethic paid off but may have made him into a hard, cold man.
I think it's important to document warts and all but that's why I also do a written family history, so I can explore the reasons why a person may have been the way they were. One of my ancestors was remembered by his grandchildren as "cold" and "unloveable" but in my written family history, I explained how this may have been the result of his hard background as a child of a poor family in industrial England who moved to America alone and worked hard to be a successful farmer with a very large estate. His children were members of high society so his work ethic paid off but may have made him into a hard, cold man.
I've repped so many people on this thread. I can relate to the above because my grandfather came from the industrial north of England and I found out he broke with his oldest son who finally ran away from home. Apparently grampa resented the son for having it so easy in America. Besides my grandfather having had a hard life working in the mills, there were other factors, each more horrendous then the other. Once I learned the full story, I wondered how my grandfather even continued to have the will to live, to immigrate to America, to keep going. What's more, he had never left his own father (who was a tragic figure) despite tragedy after tragedy, scandal, and unbearable loss. There he was, on the census back in England living with his dad in his dad's old age. He was really a dear man and I knew in advance that he never would have left England until he made sure everyone was going to be all right or they were in their graves. It helps to have the full story.
I think it depends upon how dysfunctional your family is. It is difficult to write about drunken brawls, the pedophile, the killer, the thief, and the sociopath. There are very few holidays or vacations that are not drama filled with memories of more of the same in greater degree as children grew older.
It is even more fun when two dysfunctional families merge through marriage. These families usually produce at least one skeptic and at at least one dis-believer (it never happened). Just because it didn't happen to you, doesn't mean it didn't happen to your parent.
Save everything. Lock it up in a box if it causes you problems but it can be useful later. My sisters life was saved due to a 70 year old photograph of my great grandmother and what had been written on the back. So you never know.
The only circumstance I can come up with in which I would destroy pieces of the past is if something horrific happened to a tiny child, and as an adult, they do not know. Anything else, anything that would not destoy someone's psyche? Pain is part of life.
Save everything. Lock it up in a box if it causes you problems but it can be useful later. My sisters life was saved due to a 70 year old photograph of my great grandmother and what had been written on the back. So you never know.
I would suggest any thing you write about members (that are or/had issues/problems), as listed above, keep their info simple on the family /blog - and the other "dirt"or truth (issue causing or distasteful or victims) put aside for later or for later generations to be advised of..... after the "other characters" or another generation has passed, to know the information on the person.)
I would think the current the generation - is too close for this information or connected to know at this time.
Though as family researchers we want to share our findings, it comes to a point when we need to
stop and look. Does this info need to be known now or later? are there people that will be hurt or
offended by this? What is to be gained by this?
At times we have to walk carefully with our gained/known info. "bite our tongue" and move on.
As unfortunate as it is - we can not pick/chose our family..... it is what it is..
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) and asked for advice on further research. Some months later, I got an "OH MY GAWD!" message from her. She had discovered the century old news about the convicted murderer in her direct line. I kind of shuffled my feet and said "oh. so you found that" 
In an indignant vein, she asked why I didn't tell her about it. I merely replied that I had given her the path to follow, I knew she would find out about it. Also, that I didn't know her well enough to gauge her reaction should I be the revealer. She then asked me if she should tell other family about the man. I said that she would have to be the one to judge their coping skills. One positive reaction that came from her discovery of this knowledge: my fellow researcher had always wondered why her family, from two generations back, ended up in Florida while everyone else was in the Midwest. It's likely that the reason was to keep the kids of the convict from being the object of ridicule in that town. They were told some lie as they grew up, and that lie was never questioned.
Bravo
