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"You are not owed your family history, even if you think you are."
Not so. If it is my family history, then it is my family history. I'm owed it because I already have it. If something happened to one's mother in the past, then you are affected by it. While my mother could never bring herself to fully discuss an incident with me, always talking around it, I never pressed it. Instead, I researched it on my own to find out what happened. What I found made me appreciate my mother and how she survived the difficulties of her life even more.
Yeah, 25 years, when talking about family history is a mere blip, and can still be very fresh in some people's minds.
I don't have any problem learning about scandals from a century or so ago, about people I didn't know -- it's too far removed to be upsetting.
But I am torn between uncovering recent family secrets about the generation or two that I know very well, and keeping it buried. I'd like to know the info, to gain further understanding about why certain people act the way they do, or shun branches of the family. But it would be very upsetting if I learned that people I loved were hurt in some way.
Because it's her family, it's understandable that she wants to know their story. Particularly if it somehow effects her, don't you think she has the right to know?
Not really. If it happened 25 years ago, and she's only finding out about it now, and it's information she can only get from one person (who doesn't want to talk) and nowhere else, then no, I don't think it can really affect a person that much.
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Originally Posted by jiminnm
"You are not owed your family history, even if you think you are."
Not so. If it is my family history, then it is my family history. I'm owed it because I already have it. If something happened to one's mother in the past, then you are affected by it. While my mother could never bring herself to fully discuss an incident with me, always talking around it, I never pressed it. Instead, I researched it on my own to find out what happened. What I found made me appreciate my mother and how she survived the difficulties of her life even more.
There's a difference between "so and so was born this year, and so and so died this year" and "I want to hear all about your personal experiences with this particular event." You're not owed someone's personal experiences. You're really not "owed" a history of birth and death dates, either, but from the first post, it sounded like the co-worker wasn't asking for something as mundane as birth/death dates of known ancestors.
However, you and I ultimately agree on what I was posting about. You said that when your mother didn't want to discuss something, you stopped pressing the issue with her, and just researched it on your own. I think that's the right way to go about things, because just because you want to know something, doesn't mean that someone owes it to you to tell you about it. You did what I think people should do. You asked about a topic, found out the person didn't want to talk about it, so you stopped asking and instead did the research on your own.
Again, I'm not saying that people shouldn't do research into their family history. I'm saying that if someone in the family obviously does NOT want to talk about the family history or a particular event, then the researcher should leave them alone and find other ways to do the research.
Right. Just don't talk to Mom about it. If it's interesting, keep digging. People don't have the right to erase history! I'm not real big on quoting the Bible, but I think John had one thing right, "... the truth shall make you free."
Not really. If it happened 25 years ago, and she's only finding out about it now, and it's information she can only get from one person (who doesn't want to talk) and nowhere else, then no, I don't think it can really affect a person that much.
Who says that is the case though? We don't know enough about it to say that it wouldn't involve her.
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However, you and I ultimately agree on what I was posting about. You said that when your mother didn't want to discuss something, you stopped pressing the issue with her, and just researched it on your own. I think that's the right way to go about things, because just because you want to know something, doesn't mean that someone owes it to you to tell you about it. You did what I think people should do. You asked about a topic, found out the person didn't want to talk about it, so you stopped asking and instead did the research on your own.
Again, I'm not saying that people shouldn't do research into their family history. I'm saying that if someone in the family obviously does NOT want to talk about the family history or a particular event, then the researcher should leave them alone and find other ways to do the research.
As far as I can tell, the OP never said that the woman is still pressing her mother about the issue, she may very well have dropped it and is researching on her own, not involving her mother. You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about this woman when the OP gave us very little to go on.
My take on this is; to do the digging, to ask the questions. The number one regret we always end up with is, "I wish I'd asked them more questions while they were alive". But if they don't want to talk about it then you need to respect that. My biggest concern here is, why are we discussing this with co-workers? No wonder the Mother doesn't want to talk about it, she has no expectation of keeping it confidential. I wouldn't mind telling a trusted family member some deeply held secret if it was just between the 2 of us. But if it's going to get passed around the office or posted online, I'm going to keep my mouth shut.
are we talking linege genealogical type things she is digging up or is it personal type stuff? Would make a difference to me.
If it is who married whom and had what children, etc, it would seem fair to say that the co worker could easily do her research without bothering or informing Mom.
If it is something deeply personal that happened (which seems to be the case since there was a note about being proud that Mom lived through it and over came something???) then drop it. It is Mom's business. Sad events that a person has to overcome and live through are probably so personal their wishes should be respected.
My take on this is; to do the digging, to ask the questions. The number one regret we always end up with is, "I wish I'd asked them more questions while they were alive". But if they don't want to talk about it then you need to respect that. My biggest concern here is, why are we discussing this with co-workers? No wonder the Mother doesn't want to talk about it, she has no expectation of keeping it confidential. I wouldn't mind telling a trusted family member some deeply held secret if it was just between the 2 of us. But if it's going to get passed around the office or posted online, I'm going to keep my mouth shut.
Again, I think there's a lot of unfair assumptions being made about this woman. Perhaps she only mentioned it to co-workers because she thought it odd that her mother wouldn't talk about anything family history related. That itself is not confidential information. We don't know that if her mother had revealed something personal and private to her that she would have blabbed it to her co-workers. I'd like to give someone I know nothing about the benefit of the doubt and not assume that she wouldn't understand the big difference between mentioning "My mom won't talk about our family history" and revealing something of a sensitive nature.
I dont know if this is where this belongs but my sister has this co worker and she started digging into her family background and found out some things about her family and her mother was upset and did not want to talk about it . Now this happened well over 25 years ago , and the co worker told all the girls in the office that her mother was upset . My question is why would you want to keep digging especially when your mother was very upset over this ? I think some things are better left in the past especially when it does not concern health or wealth , what do the rest of you say ?
25 years ago was 1988.
In 1988, George Herbert Walker Bush was elected president. In 1988, I had just been married a few years. Know which history is more valid to me?
I'm not going to repeat the valid points made by others, but the pursuit of one's family history means learning a kind of discretion and attention to the sensibilities of others that one might not have ever considered. It also means accepting that other people might be sensitive to certain events or periods that the researcher considers banal or worth dismissing. It can be very frustrating. I can ask my mother about a period or event that I know to be "safe" for discussion, but that will send her off into a tangent ("yes, your great-aunt Susie died in 1940 :: pause:: that was also the year my father lost his job and we didn't have a Christmas WAAAAAH!" ) that makes me mutter "jeeezus" and causes her to clam up and not want to talk.
I admit to circumventing direct sources in pursuit of researching what I have found to be delicate subjects to some people, but that's because whatever happened to that person; an event they refuse to discuss; affects me and/or other members of my family. The person to whom the event occurred might not realize that they would have ample support if they would open up, but that's not for me to decide. Still, I consider (in some cases) that it would be better for the truth to be known to those affected by that event than for them to let the effects fester and cause a significant negative impact to their lives.
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) that makes me mutter "jeeezus" and causes her to clam up and not want to talk.
