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Update. It has been 2 months now since I found out I am a father. My daughter has yet to talk to me via phone & its been awhile since I heard from her in a text. I have texted & emailed her but no reply. She is a only child & is married (4 yrs). My birthday was last Friday (she knew I was born 10.25) & I didn't hear or see a thing from her. I do plan to send her a xmas card cause no matter what she is my child. It's just so bizarre the way she is acting towards me & she also hasn't talked my family (father, brother & sister) in quite awhile. I just can't rap my head around this. I feel she has 86 me & my family (her family). IDK......
Belated happy birthday. It sucks that she couldn't send you a quick text to say happy birthday. Are you Facebook friends with her?
When was the last time you texted or emailed her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by steel7
I received a email last sunday (11.10.19) & she says she does not want a relationship with me at this time in her life. Says her heart hasn't been in it since I brought her mother into it. Back in sept I asked her for her mothers phone # so I could try to remember who she was & how we met & she didn't object to it. All she had to ask was for me to not talk to her mom & I would of honored her request. She hates her mother & hasn't talked to her in a few years. It's a long story & no use me getting into it. I guess she is content with just her husband of 4 yrs & her grandparents on her moms side. Unfortunately it took 3 texts & 3 emails for her to even reply back to me. She was looking for her biological father (me) for almost 3 yrs & now it's over. At least she found out I am still alive & I guess that is enough for her. I think maybe that's all she wanted. She did say she don't hate or dislike me so I guess I have something to be grateful for.I have never talked to her via phone (only text & email) & I doubt it very much if I hear from her any time soon. I haven't replied back to her last email cause I know I will say something I am going to regret. I have been VERY patient with her but I know she doesn't need me in her life even though it would of been nice. Oh well....life goes on.
She just emailed you out of the blue or did you text or email her 1st saying she couldn't even wish you a happy birthday?
Best advice I have would be to leave her alone unless it's a holiday. Text her happy thanksgiving. Tell her merry Christmas, then tell her happy new years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr
Explain to us what you said to her that questioned the match. Since you're on ancestry you should see the results on your DNA profile too. If ancestry says it's a match, it's a match.
Texting sucks because she's reading what you're saying with whatever tone that's in her head and not how you intended it to come out. The more you text, the deeper you can dig a hole.
I'd still like to know what you said to her when you questioned the match. Telling us is the only way we can give you good advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr
Good idea. I think he should ask her to lunch or dinner 1st to talk in person. If she says no then I'd write her saying how blessed he felt when she contacted him but he was in shock too and that he hopes that at some point when both of their emotions calm down that he's there for her with unconditional love. The more he says via text, the more she can take wrong. He should have someone help him write something to send her. Some neutral party that will make sure the words can't be misunderstood.
I still think asking her to lunch or dinner to talk in person is a good idea but maybe in the new year. If she doesn't answer then say something similar to what I said above but do not say too much because the more you say, the more she can take wrong.
Leave her alone. She's a troubled person, as illustrated by the estrangement from her mother. None of this was your fault - you didn't know she existed. You've already made it clear that you and your family are open to meeting her and having a relationship with her, and she's told you she doesn't want it. Every time you text or write her, you're going to upset her. Leave her alone.
What I DO suggest you do is to make a Facebook page, leave it open enough that she could see it. Post pictures of the family, only good, friendly stuff. I bet you anything that she will look at it. When she sees that there's a valuable half of her family that she could have contact with, she may reach out again.
If you MUST reach out to her again, the only thing I suggest you do is send her a simple card, saying that you are happy she found you, along with a big fat check. I'm sure she can use it. It's a clear statement that you only want to give to her, that she owes you nothing. Look at it this way - you didn't have to pay child support for 18 years! You can afford to send her some money.
Leave her alone. She's a troubled person, as illustrated by the estrangement from her mother. None of this was your fault - you didn't know she existed. You've already made it clear that you and your family are open to meeting her and having a relationship with her, and she's told you she doesn't want it. Every time you text or write her, you're going to upset her. Leave her alone.
What I DO suggest you do is to make a Facebook page, leave it open enough that she could see it. Post pictures of the family, only good, friendly stuff. I bet you anything that she will look at it. When she sees that there's a valuable half of her family that she could have contact with, she may reach out again.
If you MUST reach out to her again, the only thing I suggest you do is send her a simple card, saying that you are happy she found you, along with a big fat check. I'm sure she can use it. It's a clear statement that you only want to give to her, that she owes you nothing. Look at it this way - you didn't have to pay child support for 18 years! You can afford to send her some money.
She earns a very good living. I would of gladly paid child support had I known she existed plus I would of had a relationship with her. She thinks her mother robbed her of that & I think so to (I believe the mother knew all along I was the father). Anyways....I am not going to buy her love. Ill just give her what she wants & leave her be. Maybe in a few yrs or so she will contact me. She hasn't had any contact with her mom in over 2 yrs. It just sucks knowing I have a child that wants nothing to do with me even though I did nothing wrong. She wont even talk to me via phone so I can explain myself (texting really screwed things up). I am still young enough to have children but that's something I don't want. I will send her a email (I think she blocked my texts) wishing her a happy thanksgiving. She doesn't have a FB page but her husband does. He is technically my SIL so I am thinking about contacting him. I am not sure though how she will fill about that. From what I can tell she is content with just her husband, grandparents & dogs. She sure though made me fill unwanted. She lives approx. 2500 miles away so I didn't expect to see her anytime soon.
You both have had only about 60 days to consider your new mutual awareness. If she does not want a further relationship, that's it...no relationship. She has had time to think about it and truthfully expressed her feelings. You don't know what her expectations or motivations were before your first contact.
Error on the side of caution. Your email ought to be a simple "closure" message just to make sure she has details on how to easily contact you if there was a reason for medical information or some similar reason and wish her well. I'd skip birthday cards or Christmas cards. Your history with her mom could be an issue to avoid. I'd advise against contacting her husband's facebook page (too public). She was apparently interested at some point so if you have a family tree I would give her a link to it. Further contact is in her court after that. Her feelings might change at some point.
I see a similarity between you and your daughter in that you both seem to get stuck in your feelings and lose flexibility in your thinking due to being upset. The way forward is to rise above your hurt feelings, and act in ways that might lead to your longer term goal- which appears to be a connection and relationship with your daughter.
You need to be the bigger person- the person who acts more mature. Maybe she will still reject you, but sometimes it feels good to know you took the high road, regardless of how the other person acts. Will you really "lose" anything here if you take the high road?
Based on your posts, here is a sample of what I would write if I was in your shoes - maybe as a note in a generic holiday card (and this would be the last thing I would send unless I heard from her again)
Daughter,
You may not ever know how surprised I was to find out I have a daughter. All these years have gone by, and I had NO idea that you even existed. I want you to know that I wish so much that your mom had told me about you, when you were younger, so that we could have had a real father-daughter relationship. When I first heard from you, I was caught off guard, and that is why I asked about the paternity test. I'm truly sorry if that hurt you - I was just so shocked to find out about you, and I felt confused. It was never my intent to hurt your feelings.
I understand that this is a big change for both of us - just a couple of months ago, I didn't know you existed, and you didn't know who your biological father was. I want you to know that I would welcome the opportunity to get to know you, learn about your life, and hopefully start to develop a relationship. I would love to share any information about my side of the family that you'd like to know. If you ever decide you'd like to get in touch, I am here and I would love to hear from you.
I hope that you are well, and I wish you the best for the holidays,
- your name
People who earn a good living still appreciate money. She's young, surely she has good use for it. And it's all you can offer in this situation. It's not "buying" her love. It's a gesture, telling her in a very concrete way that you are looking to GIVE to her, not to take from her. If she has cut off contact with you, I wouldn't try to do an end run around that by contacting her through email, or through her husband.
Know that your reaching out to her, when she has cut off contact, is likely to upset her, and be painful to her, to tear the scab off a deep emotional wound for her. All this is not your fault - you didn't know she existed, and you didn't mean to hurt her with your initial reaction. But that's irrelevant. You don't want to cause her pain by contacting her over and over when she's pushed you away. That's why I suggested that you send her a card with a big fat check in it. Money is a very concrete symbol of whatever you want to say, which seems to be, "I'm sorry I wasn't in your life, and I want to give to you, as my child."
I'm a parent. I give my kids money, in addition to many other things. I don't expect much back from them. It makes me happy to give them everything I can, because they're my children, and I love them. When I give them a gift of money, I'm not "buying" their love - I'm expressing my love for them.
Your expectation that she contact you on your birthday makes me think that you don't quite understand how parenting works. No surprise, you didn't hold that incredibly vulnerable newborn in your arms and feel that overwhelming sense of needing to protect and provide for this new life you had created. It's possible that you're thinking of her sort of as you might think of a half sibling whom you only just found out you had - and expecting reciprocal, considerate behavior from that person. Ask any parent, and they'll tell you, it's just not how it works, between parent and child. You love, and you give and give and give. And you worry about their well-being. At times in their lives, the relationship is NOT reciprocal. And to the parent, that's irrelevant. You just cannot help but love them, want the best for them, want to give them everything you can, without turning them into spoiled monsters. You sure don't have to worry about spoiling her! She's a grown woman. Honestly, at this point, money is the best gift you can give her, and a substantial amount of it, to make it clear to her that you only want to give to her. Maybe that will make her trust that you just want to get to know her as a loving parent, rather than as a self-absorbed person who is only going to hurt her.
She earns a very good living. I would of gladly paid child support had I known she existed plus I would of had a relationship with her. She thinks her mother robbed her of that & I think so to (I believe the mother knew all along I was the father). Anyways....I am not going to buy her love. Ill just give her what she wants & leave her be. Maybe in a few yrs or so she will contact me. She hasn't had any contact with her mom in over 2 yrs. It just sucks knowing I have a child that wants nothing to do with me even though I did nothing wrong. She wont even talk to me via phone so I can explain myself (texting really screwed things up). I am still young enough to have children but that's something I don't want. I will send her a email (I think she blocked my texts) wishing her a happy thanksgiving. She doesn't have a FB page but her husband does. He is technically my SIL so I am thinking about contacting him. I am not sure though how she will fill about that. From what I can tell she is content with just her husband, grandparents & dogs. She sure though made me fill unwanted. She lives approx. 2500 miles away so I didn't expect to see her anytime soon.
Whatever you do, do not contact her husband. That will really **** her off bad!
I think sending her money under the circumstances is the absolutely wrong thing to do. There is no relationship yet.
Just my opinion. I have never been in the position of the father or the daughter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist
People who earn a good living still appreciate money. She's young, surely she has good use for it. And it's all you can offer in this situation. It's not "buying" her love. It's a gesture, telling her in a very concrete way that you are looking to GIVE to her, not to take from her. If she has cut off contact with you, I wouldn't try to do an end run around that by contacting her through email, or through her husband.
Know that your reaching out to her, when she has cut off contact, is likely to upset her, and be painful to her, to tear the scab off a deep emotional wound for her. All this is not your fault - you didn't know she existed, and you didn't mean to hurt her with your initial reaction. But that's irrelevant. You don't want to cause her pain by contacting her over and over when she's pushed you away. That's why I suggested that you send her a card with a big fat check in it. Money is a very concrete symbol of whatever you want to say, which seems to be, "I'm sorry I wasn't in your life, and I want to give to you, as my child."
I'm a parent. I give my kids money, in addition to many other things. I don't expect much back from them. It makes me happy to give them everything I can, because they're my children, and I love them. When I give them a gift of money, I'm not "buying" their love - I'm expressing my love for them.
Your expectation that she contact you on your birthday makes me think that you don't quite understand how parenting works. No surprise, you didn't hold that incredibly vulnerable newborn in your arms and feel that overwhelming sense of needing to protect and provide for this new life you had created. It's possible that you're thinking of her sort of as you might think of a half sibling whom you only just found out you had - and expecting reciprocal, considerate behavior from that person. Ask any parent, and they'll tell you, it's just not how it works, between parent and child. You love, and you give and give and give. And you worry about their well-being. At times in their lives, the relationship is NOT reciprocal. And to the parent, that's irrelevant. You just cannot help but love them, want the best for them, want to give them everything you can, without turning them into spoiled monsters. You sure don't have to worry about spoiling her! She's a grown woman. Honestly, at this point, money is the best gift you can give her, and a substantial amount of it, to make it clear to her that you only want to give to her. Maybe that will make her trust that you just want to get to know her as a loving parent, rather than as a self-absorbed person who is only going to hurt her.
People who earn a good living still appreciate money. She's young, surely she has good use for it. And it's all you can offer in this situation. It's not "buying" her love.
Well, that may not be the intention but that is undoubtedly how it will come across. This is a terrible idea.
Quote:
I'm a parent. I give my kids money, in addition to many other things. I don't expect much back from them. It makes me happy to give them everything I can, because they're my children, and I love them. When I give them a gift of money, I'm not "buying" their love - I'm expressing my love for them.
Because you already have an established relationship with them. It's completely different when there is no established relationship and the child is an adult. They haven't even met in person yet, they haven't even spoken on the phone yet. You can't expect your experience as a parent to apply here because it's not even remotely the same situation.
I know for a fact that if I send her money she will think I am trying to buy her love. Keep in mind we are strangers & I have never met her & have not talked to her via phone. The last contact was a few weeks ago via email where she pretty much told me to get lost. I'm not stupid because i know when I'm not wanted. Maybe in time she will contact me but for now I'm leaving it alone. It's been 3 months since we both found out I'm the father & it feels like she doesn't want it to work. I honestly feel this abnormal behavior but it is what it is. If I could turn back the clock to sept 1st I would of handled the situation better. I can't change the past & I have tried to work things out with her to no avail.
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