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I was contacted by a DNA’d cousin, who was looking for her fathers birth parents. He never knew he was adopted until after both of his parents died and he was going through their house. This cousin then had a DNA test done and signed up on ancestry. Come to find out, my grandfather had a child before he married my grandmother.
I gave her all the information I could. Then my hubby and I talked about it and decided my mother should be told. Since I have very little contact with her and my half siblings, it was weird telling her, but I thought it best, to let her know and see how she reacted. She seemed ok with it and was ok if my other sibs knew. Unfortunately, even though I pleaded with my sibs, no one wanted to help this new cousin find the mother, by passing on any info they had about his WWII time in California. I felt very sorry for them. I still keep in touch with her and hope to meet her one day.
You still don't get it... and probably never will.
Sorry. I'm chuckling.
Think we all come to this discussion from different experiences. It's probably just as hard for her to see it through your eyes as it is for you to see it through hers.
I'm saying we can't dictate to other people how they should think about things. There is no "it" to get other than explaining the circumstances of why you feel and think the way you do and hope for understanding.
You simply don't have a clue about the complications involved with having a spouse, other children, siblings, and that sort of thing. If the mother had wanted to see the child again, she would most likely have been looking for the child. If you don't see and understand that, then having someone trying to explain it to you would be about like someone explaining Nuclear Physics to a kindergarten kid.
This is completely wrong. The reason most birth mothers don't search for their child is that they feel unworthy and were told it was illegal for them to do so, or they think the child might not know they were adopted and don't want to upset the child's family. In over 90% of reunions, the mother is glad to be found. In some states there is an intermediary who contacts the birth parent to find out if they want contact from the child or not. In 90% of cases they do.
I know personally of only one case where a child was refused by the parent, but her half siblings reached out to her and they all have a good relationship.
In the vast majority of countries an adopted child has the right once they reach adulthood to apply for their complete adoption records and find out their biological parent's identity. It's considered the child's birthright. In the US we've left it up to the states because each state has its own adoption laws.
An adopted friend in England showed me his paperwork. Not only did the government provide him his adoption information, but they tracked down his birth mother for him. She had moved to another country.
I was also adopted in the US in a state with closed records. I used DNA to find my birth mother and she was glad to be found. But I have no delusions that in her mind she was doing what was right for ME when she gave me up, she was doing what was right for HER. It was the right thing for me of course, but that wasn't her motivation.
This is completely wrong. The reason most birth mothers don't search for their child is that they feel unworthy and were told it was illegal for them to do so, or they think the child might not know they were adopted and don't want to upset the child's family. In over 90% of reunions, the mother is glad to be found. In some states there is an intermediary who contacts the birth parent to find out if they want contact from the child or not. In 90% of cases they do.
I know personally of only one case where a child was refused by the parent, but her half siblings reached out to her and they all have a good relationship.
In the vast majority of countries an adopted child has the right once they reach adulthood to apply for their complete adoption records and find out their biological parent's identity. It's considered the child's birthright. In the US we've left it up to the states because each state has its own adoption laws.
An adopted friend in England showed me his paperwork. Not only did the government provide him his adoption information, but they tracked down his birth mother for him. She had moved to another country.
I was also adopted in the US in a state with closed records. I used DNA to find my birth mother and she was glad to be found. But I have no delusions that in her mind she was doing what was right for ME when she gave me up, she was doing what was right for HER. It was the right thing for me of course, but that wasn't her motivation.
How ironic... perhaps even hypocritical of you to say this. In your post immediately prior to this one, you criticized me for (allegedly) not considering how the other person felt about the situation, yet in this post it is YOU who presumes to know what the other person (your mother) thinks and what their motivation was.
How do YOU know what your mother's MAIN motivation was? Did you ever stop to consider that every decision or choice doesn't have to have a winner and a loser? It's quite possible in some situations to have a WIN/WIN situation in which the decision is best for BOTH primary individuals involved.
So your mother was glad you found her, huh? Of course! What else is she going to say? Something like "Get the hell outta here and don't ever bother me again!" ????? I don't think so. Besides, by that time, it's likely that everyone else who knows her has found out and revised their opinion of her based on what she did 30 or 40 years ago, so there's nothing she could do now to change that anyway. So you still want to condemn her for the decision she made 30 to 40 years ago even though you (somewhat reluctantly) agree that it was best for you. What gratitude!
How ironic... perhaps even hypocritical of you to say this. In your post immediately prior to this one, you criticized me for (allegedly) not considering how the other person felt about the situation, yet in this post it is YOU who presumes to know what the other person (your mother) thinks and what their motivation was.
How do YOU know what your mother's MAIN motivation was? Did you ever stop to consider that every decision or choice doesn't have to have a winner and a loser? It's quite possible in some situations to have a WIN/WIN situation in which the decision is best for BOTH primary individuals involved.
So your mother was glad you found her, huh? Of course! What else is she going to say? Something like "Get the hell outta here and don't ever bother me again!" ????? I don't think so. Besides, by that time, it's likely that everyone else who knows her has found out and revised their opinion of her based on what she did 30 or 40 years ago, so there's nothing she could do now to change that anyway. So you still want to condemn her for the decision she made 30 to 40 years ago even though you (somewhat reluctantly) agree that it was best for you. What gratitude!
I don’t feel there was any condemnation being expressed there at all. Most all of those placed for adoption during the baby boom era were told it was best for the baby, it was best for them and it was something good to do for another family wanting a child. Some of the stories as to how these young women were treated, viewed and manipulated is heartbreaking.
That being said, I believe everyone deserves the right to know their generic heritage and who they came from. Not necessary know them personally but know who they are/were.
How ironic... perhaps even hypocritical of you to say this. In your post immediately prior to this one, you criticized me for (allegedly) not considering how the other person felt about the situation, yet in this post it is YOU who presumes to know what the other person (your mother) thinks and what their motivation was.
How do YOU know what your mother's MAIN motivation was? Did you ever stop to consider that every decision or choice doesn't have to have a winner and a loser? It's quite possible in some situations to have a WIN/WIN situation in which the decision is best for BOTH primary individuals involved.
So your mother was glad you found her, huh? Of course! What else is she going to say? Something like "Get the hell outta here and don't ever bother me again!" ????? I don't think so. Besides, by that time, it's likely that everyone else who knows her has found out and revised their opinion of her based on what she did 30 or 40 years ago, so there's nothing she could do now to change that anyway. So you still want to condemn her for the decision she made 30 to 40 years ago even though you (somewhat reluctantly) agree that it was best for you. What gratitude!
You seem very defensive and this is at least the second time you've suggested adoptees should be "grateful" for being put up for adoption. Maybe in some cases, but like I said before, it's not that simple on either side. Adoptees are allowed to feel rejected, abandoned, hurt, etc, no matter the circumstances. Just as others may seem incapable of seeing it from the parent's point of view, you seem incapable of seeing it from the child's point of view...
This is precisely why reunions are complicated and no one should make judgements on either side, at least not without knowing/being involved in the individual circumstances. As aries63 was personally involved, I think he's entitled to pass comment on his personal, individual situation. You, as a stranger to him and his biological mother, as someone not present at their reunion, do not.
I'm pretty sure that my opinion is in the minority on this board, but I just can't see why someone would reveal information that may ruin the lives of others plus the lives of those married to them and related to them just to satisfy the curiosity of someone.
Those who are judging the actions that others took 50 to 70 years ago have no idea of the circumstances or situations those people may have been facing at the time. Nor are they considering that the actions taken most likely were in the best interest of everyone involved including the person doing the searching.
If the unknown father or mother had wanted to stay in contact with their child, then they would have done so, but most likely thought it best for everyone not to do so. Who are you to play God and sit in judgement of others' actions?
As an adoptee, after so much time has passed, (in my case 52 years), I think my right to know my ancestry outweighs any feelings of shame my bio mother may still carry around.
I really have no desire to meet, or interrupt anyone's life. Me, my grown kids, and my grandkids deserve to know our ancestry.
How ironic... perhaps even hypocritical of you to say this. In your post immediately prior to this one, you criticized me for (allegedly) not considering how the other person felt about the situation, yet in this post it is YOU who presumes to know what the other person (your mother) thinks and what their motivation was.
How do YOU know what your mother's MAIN motivation was? Did you ever stop to consider that every decision or choice doesn't have to have a winner and a loser? It's quite possible in some situations to have a WIN/WIN situation in which the decision is best for BOTH primary individuals involved.
So your mother was glad you found her, huh? Of course! What else is she going to say? Something like "Get the hell outta here and don't ever bother me again!" ????? I don't think so. Besides, by that time, it's likely that everyone else who knows her has found out and revised their opinion of her based on what she did 30 or 40 years ago, so there's nothing she could do now to change that anyway. So you still want to condemn her for the decision she made 30 to 40 years ago even though you (somewhat reluctantly) agree that it was best for you. What gratitude!
I know her motivation because she told me: she wanted to get on with her career, and she couldn't do that with a baby and no husband for support. Nowhere did I condemn her for the decision to give me up. So yes, it was a "win/win" and I did express gratitude to her for making that decision.
She absolutely could have said "don't bother me again" when I called her the first time, but she didn't. Instead, she revealed that she was lonely and was glad to have me to talk to. We are still talking seven years later.
As an adoptee, after so much time has passed, (in my case 52 years), I think my right to know my ancestry outweighs any feelings of shame my bio mother may still carry around.
I really have no desire to meet, or interrupt anyone's life. Me, my grown kids, and my grandkids deserve to know our ancestry.
I completely agree. Nobody who has a child should be able to hide forever from that child or the child's future family. A child is naturally going to be curious about where they came from. I'm glad that I now have some family medical history from my birth mother. No more filling out health history forms with "unknown/adopted."
Last edited by aries63; 02-12-2021 at 04:51 PM..
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