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It is interesting how CantWait2Leave mentioned the aunt not coming to visit. We have that fight with our family in Iowa. They rarely ever come to Montana and I'm sure will never come to Wyoming. I visit them every other year and when they ask why I tell them the road goes both ways and leave it at that. ExcapeCalifornia, I agree with jasper12, as soon as you can leave just announce it and go.
That's the part that concerns me. By the time there's something concrete, we (or at least my wife) may be just 30 days from leaving. She could apply for jobs for months without so much as a nibble. But she could also get a call back and things could move very quickly from that point. We'll actually be a in a better position financially to move by December by we didn't want to wait until then to start the job search given how long it could take. But if she got an interview and an offer tomorrow, we'd jump on it. We've done so much to prepare of the last two years but now we're getting to the stages that aren't completely under out control, like when/if she can land a job before moving.
Just for stress control, I'd wait until your wife or you have the interview.
When I moved to Texas in 09, I had 2 phone interviews (Jan), then a week later I flew out for an half-day interview (Feb), they offered me the job on the spot that afternoon, and I said I'd speak with my husband and respond by the next day. I accepted and they gave me a start date 6 weeks later to relocate (& $2000 compensation on my 1st day "signing bonus"). I never packed so fast, and we were out of our condo within 2 weeks! I had to ramp up my homefinding search, but had an awesome realtor who did it all.
Suggestion: Have you found your realtor? Someone who works with leases? I made an appointment with her the day after my interview and we drove around to 4 different suburbs of Austin tirelessly looking at various homes so I got a very good feel for what I wanted her to locate for us when the time came. This was great! She sent pictures, and zillow and google earth did the rest!
Our move went off without a hitch. Unfortunately, I ended up back in CA 6 months later. The job I accepted sucked lemons! Just because you get a job offer doesn't mean you should accept, I suppose. Oh, that and the fact that my husband decided to go back home to be with his mistress I knew nothing about, leaving me w/the kids out there alone! Now I'm navigating divorce and single motherhood. I'll never move that far from family again!
By the way, congrats on your decision. I know it's been a long time coming!
To the OP, I know what it's like to want to move, have unforeseen circumstances arise and keep you in place. Although, congratulations on the new baby on the way!
I have wanted out of Kentucky. For a long time. For a long, long time. I'm in my mid-20s now and have wanted out since I was 15. Never have felt like I was a good fit for the place.
I tried to participate in a national (not international) exchange program for 1-2 semesters as a college undergraduate which would have allowed me to enroll in coursework along the lines of my major and have them be transferable to my required courses to graduate. I tried this twice. The whole guilt "What would Mom and Dad think?" thing set in. I backed out.
Upon graduating from college, I started applying to a whole array of jobs that I would have been compatible for just by virtue of having a college degree. I estimate that I sent out over 500 applications in the course of twelve months; probably only 20% were in Kentucky, but I wanted to keep that door open. I figured it would be easier to land a job here since I was a fresh graduate with little real world experience. Turns out I was right; even though I ended up interviewing for what would potentially have been a great job in the Upper Midwest, I didn't make the cut. I ended up having to take the first offer for a "real" job here in Kentucky in order to have full-time with salary and benefits; I am thankful to have a stable job in this economy, but the job stinks to high heaven. Plus, I'm still stuck in a community (albeit in another region from where I grew up) where hairstyles, race relations and vehicles are still stuck in the 1980s.
Fast forward from Spring 2009 to now: I have quickly acquired a lot of valuable (and progressive, no less) experience because my job is so demanding and requires multitasking and analytical thought at the same time. It is a government job (yes, "analytical", "thought" and "government" are not oxymorons in this case). I have great co-workers and, just as importantly, job stability but I don't see the career advancing anywhere, anyway. I moved to another part of Kentucky for this job which I once said would be the "only area of the state I would live in if I stayed here." I like some aspects of local culture, neighborhoods and food, but none of those things are enough to make me want to stay. While it is an improvement over the Louisville and Lexington areas, it still doesn't mean it doesn't suck, if you know what I mean.
Over the last six months I have had phone interviews in my top two pick states, Texas and California, as well as three other states. I even drove to a large Southern city for an on-site interview for a really good job and held it together pretty well (despite the organization's poor organization of aspects of the interview,) although I'm all but sure that they've selected another candidate.
Things are looking up and I have a feeling something will change in the near future. This change will require leaving Kentucky. Yes, my family is accelerating the guilt trip--cousin, aunt, Mom, Dad, Mamaw, etc. "Oh, you need to stay close to Mom and Dad." "Oh, do you realize how expensive it is in Dallas?" "Oh, San Francisco has nothing but steers and *****s." "You'll never find someplace else that's home." (The last quote I actually kind of agree with because no matter where I may end up, I will try to uphold Kentucky in a positive light and acknowledge it as my native state.) These are well-meaning relatives, but they also have to realize that I'm all grown up now.
I hope you'll get to move to Colorado, EscapeCalifornia! I see you're from Orange County; I wouldn't mind living in Dana Point, Aliso Viejo, or, for farther inland cities, Tustin, Yorba Linda or Irvine myself.
I just wanted to add my experience - 4 years ago we left Europe for the states with the only grandchild on either side. We already lived in another country to where our families live so it wasn't like we were down the street or anything. My inlaws visited us every month, called all the time, sent our daughter cards and gifts all the time, while mine saw her twice in 3 years (and we had to go to them) and never even sent a birthday card.
When we announced the move the inlaws were upset, but supportive. Their only child was taking their only grandchild away but they knew why we were going and they were happy for us. My parents on the other hand were furious, my mother called me all kinds of names and vowed to never speak to me again, despite the fact that she has 5 other kids (3 still at home) and we've never been remotely close. The inlaws have been to visit and we skype with them every week. My parents have pretty much disowned me, and didn't even send any congratulations when our son was born this summer (their second grandchild, still none from my siblings).
Some parents are just too selfish for their own good. It's all about them and they just can't put themselves in anyone else's shoes. The thing that annoys me most about my parents is that they did the exact same thing when I was a baby so if anyone should understand it's them!
Ironically it's the inlaws that we're now contemplating moving back for. They've always been so supportive of us and now that they're having health issues we're giving more thought to living closer to them. I don't know if I'll even tell my parents we're back if we did go. Funny how that's turned out isn't it!
EclecticEars, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you leaving Kentucky. I cannot forget the frustration I felt when I was trying to leave Montana (to go to Wyoming for crying out loud) and got comments similar to what you have gotten. My relatives in Iowa will still have delusions that my family is going to make a triumphant return someday even though my brother and I were 10 and 7 when we moved and don't remotely consider it home.
Chicagojlo, I didn't move from as far away as you have, but I understand the selfishness part. I was engaged to a woman whose parents were extremely selfish and could not fathom us leaving Montana even though staying doomed us to the lowest teachers' wages in the nation. It was all about them and that is the main reason why she is my ex-fiancee. I also have relatives in Iowa who still refuse to visit Montana, Wyoming, and Washington where some of us live. I have told them the road goes both ways and to only expect me visiting every other year.
I visited Texas and fell in love with the state so much immediately that I didn't want to come back home. Since then I've also traveled all over California and North Carolina. I've also had the pleasure of visiting Chicago, NYC, Memphis, Florida and Alabama, among other places. Texas, I think, would be a great place to live and is my second-place pick to California. Let's be honest, though, in real life and on this forum, Texans can be very nasty and vitriolic when you say anything remotely negative or critical of their state whereas Californians don't take themselves AS seriously. Still, both are great states.
There are select parts of the L.A. area I would live in, but I would have to search carefully to make sure I get what I am looking for in a safe area and price range I can afford. I certainly like L.A. better than NYC or Chicago. What I really like is the Central Coast region, although the job market is rather scarce. I also have really enjoyed the Raleigh-Durham area.
Chicago is a fascinating city, but I'm not sure the people are exactly warm and fuzzy if you know what I mean. I don't think Midwesterners (I live near Cincinnati now so I speak from experience) are as polite as they purport themselves to be. (I also used to work in customer service and some of my very least favorite customers were consistently from Milwaukee, southwest Ohio, and Indiana, although I really liked Iowans, northern Wisconsinites and Minnesotans.) NYC is, well, NYC, a city with a warm heart and the people can be polite but crusty.
I'd be very select with where I lived in Alabama; it would have to be either the coastal region of Baldwin County or up in Huntsville. Florida...you couldn't pay me to live there; same with Memphis. Mississippi is a very beautiful state in many areas but I think I could only live in either the coastal region or Hattiesburg; I like it better than Alabama, though. I also think I would like parts of Oregon, Washington, New Mexico, Utah, Oklahoma, and Montana although I've never been to those states.
chicagojlo, what a sad situation. Hopefully you'll be able to make amends with your parents someday.
Thanks for reading my vent and thoughts, ya'll!
Last edited by EclecticEars; 12-31-2010 at 11:48 AM..
I just wanted to add my experience - 4 years ago we left Europe for the states with the only grandchild on either side. We already lived in another country to where our families live so it wasn't like we were down the street or anything. My inlaws visited us every month, called all the time, sent our daughter cards and gifts all the time, while mine saw her twice in 3 years (and we had to go to them) and never even sent a birthday card.
When we announced the move the inlaws were upset, but supportive. Their only child was taking their only grandchild away but they knew why we were going and they were happy for us. My parents on the other hand were furious, my mother called me all kinds of names and vowed to never speak to me again, despite the fact that she has 5 other kids (3 still at home) and we've never been remotely close. The inlaws have been to visit and we skype with them every week. My parents have pretty much disowned me, and didn't even send any congratulations when our son was born this summer (their second grandchild, still none from my siblings).
Some parents are just too selfish for their own good. It's all about them and they just can't put themselves in anyone else's shoes. The thing that annoys me most about my parents is that they did the exact same thing when I was a baby so if anyone should understand it's them!
Ironically it's the inlaws that we're now contemplating moving back for. They've always been so supportive of us and now that they're having health issues we're giving more thought to living closer to them. I don't know if I'll even tell my parents we're back if we did go. Funny how that's turned out isn't it!
OP congrats on the new baby btw!
Sorry to hear about your mothers attitude. I have a very controlling mother and it took me many years to put boundaries on her controlling ways, which I came to see as abusive-- because it is!
Don't give up on your parents, but don't put up with crap either. I sometimes wonder if the selfish control freak mothers out there would wake up if they knew how hurtful it was to their child? Like what would your mother think if she read your post?
Anyway, good luck to you. You are not alone on the controlling mother thing. I just wanted to let you know it can get better in time if you stick up for yourself, leave the door open, and force her to think about how unfair she is being. Kind of like dealing with a toddler but it's our mother, a little role reversal
My parents (mom especially) isn't exactly supportive of my plans to leave the state. Its not that they're actively trying to derail our plans, but given that I'm an only child and I've never lived more than 5 miles away, my mom is being, well a mom. I am married with no kids.
We first brought up the idea of leaving nearly 4 years ago when we made our first scouting trip to Texas, then Colorado over the following years (07/08). Talk about a conversation killer. My mom would basically fold her arms, clam up, and try not to cry which made us reluctant to ever broach the subject again.
We sold our house short two years ago and have spent the time since working toward getting out of here. That has meant living in a small apartment that's cheap, not taking trips, eating out less, saving money, and paying off credit cards and other bills accumulated while barely making enough to cover the house payment we had.
We're now to the point where my wife is applying for jobs in Colorado. If she gets lucky enough to get a call, she's prepared to jump on a plane for an interview. If she gets an offer, she'll move there immediately while I wrap things up here. At this point nothing may happen, or she may have to move really quick.
I'm also wondering if my parents think we've changed our plans because we haven't mentioned them in a while. So do we lay it all out now and continue to update them as we progress, or do we wait until there's something concrete to tell, like there's an interview or offer? Do we start pulling the bandage off slowly now or just rip it off when the time comes?
You are being manipulated.
Just walk in and tell them, let them know they can visit anytime. This is their drama, not yours.
Thread stater here. My wife had been applying for jobs in Denver and we decided to re-raise the subject of moving with my parents when/if she got an interview. Well, she hasn't had any luck on the job front, but she's now 9 weeks pregnant. We've decided to put the move on hold during the pregnancy and told my parents about the baby last night.
After the excitement subsided, my mom asked what this means for Denver. (I guess she didn't forget about our desire to move after all). I told her that it delays our plans but doesn't change our goal of moving where we can afford housing. Despite the housing crash and worst economy in three generations, any decent housing here is still way too expensive. She agreed and said that my dad had recently said that if things get much worse they might not be able to afford to live in California any more. My mom said she's not moving to Las Vegas to which my dad replied they'd move where ever my wife and I wind up.
They've never given any indication of wanting or needing to leave the state before but they are at retirement age, my dad's business isn't doing well in this economy, and at some point they're going to have to make some tough decisions. I'd love for them to move with us but I really don't know how my mom would handle the cold.
Congrats on the baby! That's great that your parents have come around to the idea and that they might actually move to where you eventually end up. I'm so glad my husband & I made the decision to move from family. The area we were in before had very few opportunities for him, and he wanted to go back to school as well. It's made us more self-reliant and brought us even closer together. Good luck!
Sorry to hear about your mothers attitude. I have a very controlling mother and it took me many years to put boundaries on her controlling ways, which I came to see as abusive-- because it is!
Don't give up on your parents, but don't put up with crap either. I sometimes wonder if the selfish control freak mothers out there would wake up if they knew how hurtful it was to their child? Like what would your mother think if she read your post?
Anyway, good luck to you. You are not alone on the controlling mother thing. I just wanted to let you know it can get better in time if you stick up for yourself, leave the door open, and force her to think about how unfair she is being. Kind of like dealing with a toddler but it's our mother, a little role reversal
I gave up on them years ago. They're just not worth it. I can't remember the last time they brought any joy to my life. I don't see the point in trying anymore. They have 5 other kids to busy themselves with, they don't miss me and I don't miss them. It's not like they're even decent grandparents, my inlaws run rings around them!
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Yes, my family is accelerating the guilt trip--cousin, aunt, Mom, Dad, Mamaw, etc. "Oh, you need to stay close to Mom and Dad." "Oh, do you realize how expensive it is in Dallas?" "Oh, San Francisco has nothing but steers and *****s." "You'll never find someplace else that's home." (The last quote I actually kind of agree with because no matter where I may end up, I will try to uphold Kentucky in a positive light and acknowledge it as my native state.) These are well-meaning relatives, but they also have to realize that I'm all grown up now.
I also have relatives in Iowa who still refuse to visit Montana, Wyoming, and Washington where some of us live. I have told them the road goes both ways and to only expect me visiting every other year.
My mom said she's not moving to Las Vegas to which my dad replied they'd move where ever my wife and I wind up. 
