Why do some people have such a hard time sharing their space? (moved, roommates)

[debzkidz]

Originally Posted by CruisingUSA

Like I said, we were friends for over a year. At one point we were regular movie and dinner buddies. He was even trying to date me and **** me at one point. I did not let that happen.

I do come to see him when I'm in town, but being the multi-tasking person that I am, I see him and go about my plans.

And hell...even if that's the case that I cant afford a hotel, whats wrong with that? Why make the corporations richer when the only thing someone has to do is open their space?

Again...only with Americans. you When I tell my Latin friends about people like that, they say "**** your friend, come stay with me...are welcome here" And they go to work and I run errands while I'm in town and within a week tops, we go our separate ways.

It's a royal slap in the face to have someone say, "this house is too big for me" but then can't deal with the slight inconvenience of accommodating a friend without them having to wake up and be out the house at 8 am on a weekend after spending 2 days commuting the day before. In some countries, that's looked upon with pure disdain...

Baby boomers trip me out...these days the new motto is, "My house is your house and your house is mine. Face it, accept it or step out of line." Not, " I have 3 extra bedrooms that sit empty and I don't want to run the heat in the winter cause I cant afford to and don't want anyone here to help me afford it because in the morning it'll be 50 degrees in the house"

Let's see here, it's his house and he can do with it as he pleases and he's not obligated to share it with you. Your opinion doesn't matter.

Um, as to the first point about his trying to date you, maybe he feels awkward/embarrassed about this. Does this not make you feel awkward? I can't imagine continuing to stay with someone after they tried to hit on me, and I rejected them. Personally, it would creep me out to stay there.

You're mutli-tasking, maybe he's not and is feeling used. Obviously, the purpose of your trip in not to see him.

Um, that's what hotels are for. If you are in town on business, are you not getting some kind of per diem to pay for a hotel? Are you using him to pocket this money? Again, maybe he feels used.

If you enjoy the attitude of your Latin friends more, stay with them. Us Baby Boomer, black and white Americans tend to have boundaries that are probably different than you or your Latin friends. Maybe you should try respecting his boundaries. I know that I definitely have different boundaries of both personal space and behavior than many young Latin people I have met and come in contact with. I'm not saying mine is right and theirs is wrong. It's just different. Respect it.

From my personal experience, I can tell you that I get really annoyed by some members of my own family who have in the past used our home as a hotel. When we lived somewhere that no one wanted to visit, we never saw them, but when we moved to a city near a beach and other tourist attractions, we always had company. Never to see us, just to give them a free place to stay. The first few times, it was okay, then we began to just feel used. I would spend all this time preparing the guest room, cleaning the house, stocking the fridge, making sure we were available for them, and they never once even had dinner with us. Once we moved away and to an area no one was interested in visiting, we never saw them anymore. Now we are living somewhere where one of them has to come on business, and she just expects to stay at our house when she's here, so she can pocket the money she's given for her hotel and meals. She actually got snippy the last time she needed to stay at our house, because we were going to be out of town. How dare us go out of town when she needed our guest room!

Sounds to me like he doesn't want you staying there, but he's just too polite to say so, and you just don't seem to be taking the hint.

[TexasHorseLady]

CruisingUSA, let's just say that you're not the one who's coming out smelling like a rose in this one. You are clearly using this guy for a cheap hotel and thinking it's his problem that he's not vastly welcoming of that.

Frankly, based on the posts I've seen, I wouldn't want to leave you alone in my house, either - in fact, I wouldn't let you stay in the first place.

He's doing you a favor to even let you sleep there, and your reaction should be gratitude for that, not complaints because you don't get to do what you want to do when you want to do it. That in and of itself indicates an attitude of entitlement that would make me say, "Nope, find another sucker."

[debzkidz]

Also, as to the title of your post, why should he have to share his space? It's his space. He paid for it. Last time I checked, in this country we aren't obligated to share our homes with anybody. This is not some third world country where you are starving and sleeping on the street and he's hording all the towns space and food supplies. Being friendly, helpful and charitable is one thing, being a doormat is something else. Quit wiping your feet on him.

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by CruisingUSA

Well, this guy lives in a 4 bedroom split level home and he's the only person living there. He always tells me the house is too big for him, and he wants to get something smaller...he wishes to have parties but never has any there and is lonely. There's even an extra guest room set up as well. Now, he's happy to have me come over and spend the night...but thats it.

Although I prefer not to stay at his place, at the same time it seems silly to have to go out and get a hotel when there's space right there at his place and that we've known each other for over a year now regularly. But everytime, he always makes it seem like he has to get up 1st thing in the morning and be out the house...and 99% of the time he ends up waking up at 10 am on weekdays or noon on weekends. And everytime, I have to leave the house when he leaves the house. And just this past time, he didn't even allow me to say what my plans were, he just said, "so, I guess I'll see you next month?"

I think you've incorrectly analyzed the situation. It's not an issue with sharing space. He wants his privacy. That's why he doesn't want a roommate.

As far as making you leave the house when he leaves the house, he has trust issues. He doesn't trust you enough to let you be in the house when he isn't there to supervise you. The negativity about roommates is probably also lack of trust.

I may have misinterpreted you about your relationship but this sounds like a "friends with benefits" situation. If the present arrangement is satisfactory to you then continue on. However it sounds to me like your friend is unlikely to change so you might be better off getting other friends if you're not happy with the present arrangement.

[suedonym]

The more OP says, the less I would want him in my home, too.

Get a hotel or a new job where you don't have to travel.

[exit82]

Like I said, we were friends for over a year. At one point we were regular movie and dinner buddies. He was even trying to date me and **** me at one point. I did not let that happen.

OK am I the only one confused here? Is the OP a man or a woman-I'm not sure which response would be freakier at this point-- and what kind of job expects you to travel and not pay hotel expenses?-maybe I don't want to know that either.........One thing I am certain of-I would never EVER impose on anyone- ever- It's odd you say you buy your OWN food-when you stay there- why not get some nice steaks for BOTH of you?- geez you sound like (one) of my ex-husbands- someone casually says "stop by for a drink sometime" and he would say when?- dude- people don't really MEAN they want you over for a drink- it's just something people say to be nice..............but some people are so obtuse you just can't deal with them.......oye.........

[DaniellaG]

If you can't afford a hotel you should not take a vacation. If this is work related then I thought they would pay for your hotel.
I am a person who needs space. I am 32 and have always lived on my own with many times plenty of room for guests. I see my need for space as an issue in a serious relationship and for that I do try to comprimise. For this situation though as just an occasional friend it seems odd you expect a free place to stay. Though he may have wanted to date you though fact is you did not. How often do you keep in contact with this person? Even if I had a close friend that I kept in contact with for years and they did not want me to stay in their home I would accept that and not feel they were wrong. Everyone is comfortable with different things.

[Weatherfan2]

I'm absolutely like that, I like my own company and can focus more with my own company.

Other people in the house, you're never knowing what they are doing /where they are going to be, and the noises, like footsteps, doors closing/opening, people turning lights on off, using the TV/oven/microwave/bath when I want to, pssshh.

[Tracysherm]

"So I forgot to bring my lunch to work today. My co-worker has a nice lunch packed. We're friends, so shouldn't she give me half her lunch? If she doesn't, isn't she extremely selfish? I'm entitled to half her lunch, right? If she doesn't give me half her lunch, I can conclude that there's really something wrong with her!"

Where'd the OP get such ideas, the Communist Manifesto?
I'm also guessing this OP believes in redistribution of wealth. People with "more" of anything are somehow oblicated to share it with others.






And a good point was brought up by several posters who mentioned that if this is work-related travel, your employer likely pays for hotel expenses and probably a per diem amount for meals. If for some reason, your employer does not pay up front or reimburse for out of town travel, then YOU pay for it, save the receipts, and take it as a tax deduction for unreimbursed work expenses. You have to hit a certain % of your income to take the deduction, but if you travel as much as you say, you should hit that easily.

[cocomojo]

Cruisin everything I was thinking as I read your OP and responses has already been said. I think you need to stay in your lane. He is not obligated to have you stay with him no matter how much space he has. I am the exact same way. I did all that stuff in my early twenties (having parties and letting people camp out until the next day, opening up my place to friends who were in town (to visit me, for business, or on vacation)). I don't do it anymore because I don't want to. Nothing bad happened, nobody trashed my place ... I'm just in a different place in my life. I.don't.want.to.

Yeah, I've gotten the "but you have four bedrooms and it's just you" (my son grew up and moved out after college a few years back). Ummmm, yeah. I know how many bedrooms my house has. I still don't want to be bothered with random people thinking this is the Marriott. I invite who I want to stay with me. Your friend might do the same thing. You just *think* he's lonely. He might be having all the company he needs. IMO, you are out of line and I wouldn't have been as patient with you as he has. Back when I was younger, if I couldn't afford to get a hotel room, I took that as a sign that I couldn't afford a vacation. But that's just me ...