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Old 05-05-2012, 09:00 PM
 
8,406 posts, read 6,912,542 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wittynamehere View Post
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond, I've been really busy the last few days. I talked to the 9 and 6 year old's dad and he told me if I chose to do go ahead and move he wouldn't fight me for custody. I believe him, he's never tried to before and he doesn't have the resources to truly put up that fight. That being said, the more that my husband and I look at things, the more we've come to realize that moving to Kansas may not be such a great move financially. I am currently working toward getting into nursing school and he works in IT. We would both make less money there than we would if we stayed in Texas. So pretty much we would be in the same financial boat we are now without me working if we moved after I got done with school. And if we stay here we would have extra money to make extra planned visits during the year. I hope that makes sense.

However, none of this changes the fact that I miss my family like crazy and wish I could be closer to them. I guess I will just have to deal for a while longer.
I completely understand how you feel. I was in a family court battle with my ex to move to my extended family. It was delayed for 2 years off and on because he was always deployed. Long story short, I was a bit depressed being away raising my kids out of state but I remained strong. We finally went to court 3 weeks ago. The judge had no hesitation in letting us move. The judge told my ex to pay half of travel during holidays and summers. If he wanted to visit once a month he needed to pay all travel. I have to get use to ex having our child most of the summer because she hasnt been away from me more than 3 days. But after 20k in attorney fees it was worth every penny to be around my family with my kids.
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Old 05-05-2012, 10:47 PM
 
5,698 posts, read 18,361,135 times
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I don't know if I read your post correctly so if I am off the mark let me know. From what I have read, you missed out on knowing your father until 4 years ago. He is now passed and you are thinking about the rest of the family you do not know well. So you are thinking of uprooting your children, giving up your home, jobs, your husband's family you do know, leaving behind good friends and moving someplace new to get to know people that you don't know.

I'd stay put.
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Old 05-06-2012, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Texas
31 posts, read 69,676 times
Reputation: 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
I don't know if I read your post correctly so if I am off the mark let me know. From what I have read, you missed out on knowing your father until 4 years ago. He is now passed and you are thinking about the rest of the family you do not know well. So you are thinking of uprooting your children, giving up your home, jobs, your husband's family you do know, leaving behind good friends and moving someplace new to get to know people that you don't know.

I'd stay put.
It's not like these people are complete strangers to me, over the last few years I have gotten to know them very well through phone calls, emails, skype/video chat, etc. There has even been multiple visits back and forth. But I do understand what you are saying and it is something I have considered as well. I guess I just want my kids and myself to know our extended family. I have thought about the ramifications of uprooting my children here and moving there. It's not like I have decided to just do this on a whim. I have put a lot of thought into it and more than likely I will stay put, if only because it makes more sense financially. However, when I started this thread I was having the issue of leaving people, places, and things behind that I/we are so familiar with to embrace something new that is not as familiar. What is wrong with that?

Besides, there may come a time when we have to move away from where we currently live anyway to find a job. I would have the same questions in that case as well. It's not just about the family issue so much as it is just moving away from all that you know in general.
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Old 05-06-2012, 10:21 AM
 
687 posts, read 919,535 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
I don't know if I read your post correctly so if I am off the mark let me know. From what I have read, you missed out on knowing your father until 4 years ago. He is now passed and you are thinking about the rest of the family you do not know well. So you are thinking of uprooting your children, giving up your home, jobs, your husband's family you do know, leaving behind good friends and moving someplace new to get to know people that you don't know.

I'd stay put.

Could not have said this better. In addition, yes, your kids WILL be miserable if you move them that far away from their father. Moving is no win all the way around.
Also, moving to a new place because of hating where you live almost guarantees you will hate the next place just as much. You are taking yourself wherever you go.
So happy to read that you are likely to stay put.
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Old 05-06-2012, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 20,133,738 times
Reputation: 16919
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
I don't know if I read your post correctly so if I am off the mark let me know. From what I have read, you missed out on knowing your father until 4 years ago. He is now passed and you are thinking about the rest of the family you do not know well. So you are thinking of uprooting your children, giving up your home, jobs, your husband's family you do know, leaving behind good friends and moving someplace new to get to know people that you don't know.

I'd stay put.
People have been doing this for centuries, and longer. It used to be the family you left behind was a few letters worth of contact, but now we have all sorts of ways. And especially when there has been problems, sometimes changing the location can be a wonderful thing to do, for it gives you a new way of looking at things. Of course economically you have to look at things, but a new place can shake out all the cobwebs and give you a new start too.

I'd still move, even with the economic situation, just because it can be a very beneficial thing. I wish when I had an earlier chance to move away I had since staying proved to be a negative experience and leaving opened up new avenues.

The overall tone of your post is never take a chance because it might not pan out. That's not how to forage ahead in life and find new and better paths. Risk is part of life, especially risk you'll make the wrong decision, but outright denying the chance with words like 'might not' is rather sad. Maybe connecting with the other side of family will just enridh both kids and adults too, but how would you know if you get to 'might not' and give up?
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Old 05-06-2012, 11:43 AM
Status: "Pray that Presdient Trump stays safe!" (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Kansas
22,450 posts, read 18,838,495 times
Reputation: 21787
I would stay put for the benefit of the kids. Visiting, emails, internet visits and short visits are not the same as actually living near someone. There could be a lot of disappointments ahead if you move. If the kids are miserable which I think they will be, I think that guilt will surpass the desire to be near extended family. Are you moving because you are "done" with TX? If are you unhappy in your present situation, make sure you understand what is making you unhappy because a location and a dream about how it will be when you are with your extended family might not hold up. Do you have an exit plan if KS and the extended family doesn't work out? Would you have the job opportunities and money to return to TX? I would want the ability to reverse the decision if it is a disaster and I got the impression that money might be tight.
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Old 05-06-2012, 12:40 PM
 
Location: Texas
31 posts, read 69,676 times
Reputation: 34
Thank you everyone for your different viewpoints. I wanted to answer some of the things that have been brought up. I guess I should have been clear about the reasons I am "done" with Texas. That mostly has to do with the climate. I have lived here since I was about 2 and over the years I have become more and more intolerant of the heat and humidity. The only other thing that bothers me is the (mostly) dead, brown, barren landscape of the part of Texas that I live in. That being said, I realize that Kansas has pretty much the same climate during the summer and almost the same landscape. I also realize you can't eat scenery so moving some where just because it looks pretty would be an epic fail in the end anyway.

I also know that my husband and I are not the spontaneous and whimsical type. Yes, I think it would be awesome to just load up the car and go and wherever we stop is where we land. In imagination everything is sunshine and butterflies and nothing will ever go wrong, but I know for sure that it doesn't work that way in real life, especially when there is more than just my future at stake. So to answer the question about an exit strategy, there would definitely be one in place if we were to make the move.

I know the kids would be unhappy if we moved that far away from their dad, and that will probably be the only other reason besides financial that would stop us from actually making the move. I don't want to hurt my kids or make them unhappy. If they're unhappy then I'm going to be unhappy and then all the time, money, and effort to move would have been for nothing. That doesn't mean that we will never move again, but it just means that for right now it's not the best plan.

I appreciate all the different viewpoints and it helps me take into consideration some things I hadn't thought about before. Like I said in my first post, this move wouldn't be planned until a few years from now, because I am trying to finish school and get a job. We have bills to pay so just up and moving right now isn't an option anyway and I'm OK with that. I am just trying to make sure that I take into consideration everything before I start trying to formulate a plan for when I get done with school.
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Old 05-06-2012, 08:54 PM
 
5,698 posts, read 18,361,135 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
People have been doing this for centuries, and longer. It used to be the family you left behind was a few letters worth of contact, but now we have all sorts of ways. And especially when there has been problems, sometimes changing the location can be a wonderful thing to do, for it gives you a new way of looking at things. Of course economically you have to look at things, but a new place can shake out all the cobwebs and give you a new start too.

I'd still move, even with the economic situation, just because it can be a very beneficial thing. I wish when I had an earlier chance to move away I had since staying proved to be a negative experience and leaving opened up new avenues.

The overall tone of your post is never take a chance because it might not pan out. That's not how to forage ahead in life and find new and better paths. Risk is part of life, especially risk you'll make the wrong decision, but outright denying the chance with words like 'might not' is rather sad. Maybe connecting with the other side of family will just enridh both kids and adults too, but how would you know if you get to 'might not' and give up?
I think you are letting your own experience cloud your comprehension. There is nothing in my post about never taking a chance. My post is about looking at reality before changing everyone else's life to chase a ghost. The OP obviously has some emotions about the death of her father and the family she never got to know. That is understandable but logic and reason needs to come into play. She already has some issues with her eldest son, I think moving him away from his father is an extremely bad idea. She also wants to move her other children away from their fathers so they can move someplace new and meet people they don't know well. The only benefit from what the OP has stated is that she wants to get to know her family. So lets say she moves, uproots everyone to chase that ghost and then she finds out the people she didnt know all that well are really not that great. I don't know the OP situation but why did it take so long for her to reconnect with her father? What about the rest of the family?

I took a huge risk 4 yrs ago when I moved from my hometown to a place I had only seen twice. I left my family, my friends and everything I knew. There were too many benefits to moving vs staying. Not just one.
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Old 05-06-2012, 09:13 PM
 
18,842 posts, read 35,654,733 times
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I moved across the country for a job. It pretty much wrecked my family..uprooted everyone....and changed a lot of things. The first three years..I felt like I was the worst Mom in the world. My daughter lived with me for a year..then I got a promotion.....and I moved again...she left to live with her Dad. My sons were already there...previously they lived with me....but now...four years later....it was a change....but it all worked out, better than I could have ever expected. You can't predict the future....but change is good...I don't regret my decision...my kids were fine. They visited me a few times...and enjoyed the new experiences.
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Old 05-06-2012, 10:19 PM
 
Location: Texas
31 posts, read 69,676 times
Reputation: 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
I think you are letting your own experience cloud your comprehension. There is nothing in my post about never taking a chance. My post is about looking at reality before changing everyone else's life to chase a ghost. The OP obviously has some emotions about the death of her father and the family she never got to know. That is understandable but logic and reason needs to come into play. She already has some issues with her eldest son, I think moving him away from his father is an extremely bad idea. She also wants to move her other children away from their fathers so they can move someplace new and meet people they don't know well. The only benefit from what the OP has stated is that she wants to get to know her family. So lets say she moves, uproots everyone to chase that ghost and then she finds out the people she didnt know all that well are really not that great. I don't know the OP situation but why did it take so long for her to reconnect with her father? What about the rest of the family?

I took a huge risk 4 yrs ago when I moved from my hometown to a place I had only seen twice. I left my family, my friends and everything I knew. There were too many benefits to moving vs staying. Not just one.
I didn't go into detail about this because it's a really long story. The truth is that my mother and father split up before I was born. When she left Kansas and moved to Texas she did everything she could to keep me hidden from any family from there. She did a pretty good job too. She never told me anything about my father or the rest of my family. I had to beg and fight tooth and nail just to get her to tell me his name. But that's all she told me. She told me more than once that I would not have anything to do with my father until I turned 18. There are way more details to the story, but I don't feel comfortable sharing that much about my less than stellar childhood on a public forum. It comes down to the fact that I wasn't able to track him down until I was 24 because I wasn't even sure he knew about me and with the hell I'd been through with my mother growing up I couldn't really handle another parent rejecting me. I waited until I was in a place that I would be ok no matter how things turned out. Turns out I didn't have to worry because he'd been trying to find me too, but because my mother hid from everyone he had no idea where to look.

There are also family members from my mother's side of the family that now live in Kansas that my mother did allow me to see sometimes while I was growing up. I know that it doesn't make sense without some of the other details, but like I said I'm not really comfortable airing my entire past onto a public forum.

Yes, I do have a lot of issues surrounding my dad passing away so suddenly. But his passing made me realize that family is important, no matter how it comes about or how long it takes. That being said, I know that moving to be closer to them can't be the only reason to move, even if it is the most compelling one. I know that if we all aren't going to be happy wherever we are, then there's no point. It's not just about me and I do know that. So if there aren't a million other things that we love about the place then it's not going to happen. It just doesn't make any sense to do it.
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