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It was in my divorce that I would have to ask the court in order to move. But, even if it hadn't been, I would not have taken my son from his father and father's family. It would not have been fair.
I moved away when he went to college. I then moved back when my mother became ill and finally moved away for good after retirement.
His father's family was very good to him and I am glad I didn't take him away from them.
Well, the title of this thread is my question. Some background on me. My husband and I have been talking about relocating closer to my family in a couple of years when I am done with school. We currently live in Texas and we are fairly close, about an hour or so, away from his family. My family lives in Kansas, however I have lived in Texas since I was about a year old. I just had to make an emergency trip to Kansas a month ago because my dad had a heart attack and passed away a couple of days later. The kicker was that I only got to meet him 4 years ago.
Anyway, since that happened my husband and I have had discussions about moving closer to the rest of the family that I have that still lives there so that maybe I can get to know them better since I grew up not knowing about any of them. He is all for the idea while I have reservations. My problem is that I don't know if I am just rationalizing to avoid the huge life change moving that far away from everything I've ever known would entail, or if my hesitations are actually good, because they are keeping me from diving in to a disaster.
The hesitations I have are mostly related to my kids. My husband and I only have 1 child together, but I have 3 others from previous relationships. The oldest lives with his dad (his choice, not mine) and I have custody of the other two. Right now, I live in the same town as my oldest son and I hardly see him, mostly because he doesn't like the rules at my house. The father of my other two lives about 20 minutes away and sees them every other weekend but is not in the best of health. I keep telling my husband that I don't think I can take those two away from their dad like that, even if we would be moving to a place where there is so much more extended family. I also don't think I can leave my oldest son, even though he doesn't want to live with me. And then there is the issue of my two best friends, who have been so much like family to me for most of my life. How do I leave this?
How do I decide what is best for both me and my kids? I am torn because I want with every fiber of my being to leave Texas because I am just over it, but I know that I have to take my kids needs into consideration. So tell me, how to people make the choice to uproot their family from everything they've ever known and set down roots elsewhere? How do people get over the guilt of leaving family and friends behind? Or is it just me feeling guilty for ridiculous reasons? Sorry for such a long post, but I am interested in people's thoughts.
IMO, you need to stay close to the son who does not like your house rules. If you move away, your relationship may suffer more harm. You need to try to stay in his life, until he is older. And, it doesn’t sound as if you know your KS family all that well. Make several trips to see them over time, before making that major decision.
In other words, I would not move now. Besides what sort of jobs are available for you in KS?
I think people should move and live where they please. All those roads, planes, buses, and trains go in both directions. Kids can visit. They can even spend the summer with non-custodial parents or their grandparents. Instead of seeing this as a bad thing, why not embrace the idea, enjoy the time off and recharge for the next school year?
Life is supposed to be an adventure! Living all over the world was probably my best choice ever!
How do I decide what is best for both me and my kids? I am torn because I want with every fiber of my being to leave Texas because I am just over it, but I know that I have to take my kids needs into consideration. So tell me, how to people make the choice to uproot their family from everything they've ever known and set down roots elsewhere? How do people get over the guilt of leaving family and friends behind? Or is it just me feeling guilty for ridiculous reasons? Sorry for such a long post, but I am interested in people's thoughts.
My opinion is probably offensive but I don't care.
If you want frank honesty, it's a red flag for me when someone says they've moved around a lot. To me it signifies someone who can't put roots down and be a long term, productive member of a community. It's an even bigger red flag when they move their family around just out of sheer boredom.
I also hold off on making friends with people unless I know they've lived in this area for at least 5 years. I'm not interested in getting involved with people who are going to move soon and I think it's selfish of them to expect that anyway.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
I think people should move and live where they please. All those roads, planes, buses, and trains go in both directions. Kids can visit. They can even spend the summer with non-custodial parents or their grandparents. Instead of seeing this as a bad thing, why not embrace the idea, enjoy the time off and recharge for the next school year?
Life is supposed to be an adventure! Living all over the world was probably my best choice ever!
I agree, to a point. I was raised in the military, and we moved all the time. My husband's dad was in oil and gas, and he was transferred all the time for career advancement with the oil company.
When we married, we decided to pick a city, and stay.
And we have. We will never leave here. But I'm attracted to people who do move around, and so my heart has been broken when dear friends leave.
I encourage my kids to fly off, if they leave the state, it's a little sad but dance, kid! If you have the chance to sit it out or dance, DANCE!
I don't feel that way about parents of minors moving out of the area where their children live. At all. I'd have as soon cut off an arm as move away from my children when they were kids. No way.
My opinion is probably offensive but I don't care.
If you want frank honesty, it's a red flag for me when someone says they've moved around a lot. To me it signifies someone who can't put roots down and be a long term, productive member of a community. It's an even bigger red flag when they move their family around just out of sheer boredom.
I also hold off on making friends with people unless I know they've lived in this area for at least 5 years. I'm not interested in getting involved with people who are going to move soon and I think it's selfish of them to expect that anyway.
wow, harsh very. sorry but I did laugh about the statement ,"I also hold off on making friends with people unless I know they've lived in this area for at least 5 years. I'm not interested in getting involved with people who are going to move soon and I think it's selfish of them to expect that anyway"
That's just odd.
wow, harsh very. sorry but I did laugh about the statement ,"I also hold off on making friends with people unless I know they've lived in this area for at least 5 years. I'm not interested in getting involved with people who are going to move soon and I think it's selfish of them to expect that anyway"
That's just odd.
It's odd that I don't want to invest time into people who are going to move away and I'll never see them again?
It's odd that I don't want to invest time into people who are going to move away and I'll never see them again?
yea, it is. I don't know that I have ever met someone with that thought process.
Where do you get the 5 year plan?
Life is full of ups and downs and meeting people with whom you may or may not see or know for always. To shut people out based on a time frame is just....well-weird.
Do you inquire of them, when meeting someone, about the length of time they have lived in your area?
What if you were to move, would you expect everyone in your new town to not befriend you for 5 years?
I also hold off on making friends with people unless I know they've lived in this area for at least 5 years. I'm not interested in getting involved with people who are going to move soon and I think it's selfish of them to expect that anyway.
This isn’t bad advice, having served in the military I’m used to only knowing people for 2-3 years tops before they have to move. In general, you’ll meet a lot of folks in life who are still trying to figure out where they want to live or what they want to do in life. I’m Hawaii it worse, you meet a good friend then 2 years later they’re back in California or someplace else.
Yours is a really tough situation, for sure, because it sounds like you don't enjoy where you live and would rather move, but you also have a lot of attachments to that area. That can make a move really tough because sometimes, the people make the place (or is that much of the time, maybe?).
When I moved back to my home town it was for my girlfriend mainly, but I was also living 7 minutes away from my longest-time friend and 8 minutes away from one of my other best friends and 12 minutes from my dad. My best friend came back to visit many weekends from college and I saw him frequently. I had another good friend, more on the casual side but a guy I had known for a long time and saw fairly regularly, living just 2-3 minutes away! Gradually these friendships changed or petered out, I'm no longer friends with either of the two primary friends who were 7-8 minutes away, my best friend moved to another city 2 hours south and is busy with his career so I see him maybe 4-6 times per year. There's nothing for me here anymore, except my dad, and he has ownership interests in two private planes, i.e. he travels a lot. He is here about half of the time so it's not a good enough reason to stay whatsoever. He'll do his own thing, I'll visit, he can visit, we'll go on trips together, etc. I've not seen him for an entire month before even living in the same city because he was gone or busy most of the time.
I gave that example because I'm in the rare situation where my "home town" just offers me nothing. I hate it here, I don't have any friends here except 1 now who I also don't see more than maybe 6-7 times a year because he's just too busy (and him and I don't have a ton in common, or at least he insists on bringing up his socialist politics every time, even though he knows I completely disagree with everything he thinks lol). Your situation is kind of the opposite, where there are a lot of reasons for you to stay but you also don't sound happy to be there. Have you considered kind of making a pros and cons list and figuring out what would be better about where you're planning to move? My mom was from Kansas, I mean, not to disrespect their great state and all, but there's absolutely nothing going on there that's special. At best, you have a place like Kansas City, which is "ok" and has some sports, I'm sure it's a perfectly fine city, but there's nothing special about it. That means with places like that, the people make the place, and you're leaving behind a lot of people... so you'll have to make new friends and new connections to make it work for you.
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