What the Heck Have I Done? Dealing with a Relocation Mistake (jobs, school)
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So, long story short, a few months ago I moved my family half way across the country for a job. This has turned out to be close to a nightmare, and although I keep trying to look at the positives I keep asking myself "What the heck have I done?" Truth is, my family is miserable: my spouse will not even move here now because he hates it; my children are miserable and one of them spends a majority of time crying no matter what I do.
We had lived in the other place all our lives and were very close to pretty much all of the family - and had a lifetime of friends - I had steady and secure work - we left everything for just a little bit more money. Additionally, it seems like issue after issue has popped up for us since we got here. Just all around not a pleasant experience. And it is all my fault!
The move sounded like a great opportunity at the time, but I would give anything to just take it all back - but of course I know that is not possible. It has nothing to do with where we are at - for the most part we all agree that there are plenty of good things about the new city - but it just isn't and never will be home - we need to get back to our family and friends.
The decision has been made - we will move back home - but now it is about the timing...I have about 5-6 months left or I will have to pay back the relo bonus, but with my family so torn up I am almost at the point of throwing in the towel without waiting. I can't go back to the job I left - my position has been filled now, so I also will have to find a job before we can move back. So it might take that long - or even longer to get back...
I am looking for suggestions, maybe stories from those of you that may have experienced this before and made it thru - when should I start looking for work with 5-6 months to go? What can I do to help my family in the meantime or should I just head them home and hope for the best? Any thoughts, suggestions, stories, etc. will be much appreciated.
Last edited by kathryn_b; 11-12-2012 at 11:27 AM..
Reason: Typo!
It has nothing to do with where we are at - for the most part we all agree that there are plenty of good things about the new city - but it just isn't and never will be home - we need to get back to our family and friends.
You're homesick, that's the crux of the situation. Not sure what you expected when you moved away from family, friends and a community you spent years living in.
If you are all so miserable, bite the bullet and move back. If it costs you the $$ for the relocation, so be it. Money comes and goes but your family's happiness and contentment is worth far more.
Next time, make sure everyone is on board with the move before making it. You might be happy but at the expense of your family's happiness? I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.
So, long story short... we need to get back to our family and friends.
The decision has been made - we will move back home - but now it is about the timing...
Any thoughts, suggestions, stories, etc. will be much appreciated.
You're homesick, that's the crux of the situation. Not sure what you expected when you moved away from family, friends and a community you spent years living in.
If you are all so miserable, bite the bullet and move back. If it costs you the $$ for the relocation, so be it. Money comes and goes but your family's happiness and contentment is worth far more.
Next time, make sure everyone is on board with the move before making it. You might be happy but at the expense of your family's happiness? I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.
Thank you for the reply and kind words...and the truth! Just to clarify, I did sit down with the family before accepting the job and everyone but the hubby seemed excited for the move...new places, new things - and the hubby was concerned but agreed to it - I just don't think the reality of it really kicked in until it was all said and done...and it was such a fast "decision to action" period that by the time the dust settled it was total shock...and yes, the homesick reality has been significant. But still, my fault, as even though we talked about it, I did sell more positives than potential negatives.
When I told my mom we would be moving back at some point in the near future, she actually cried out loud. One of my best friends started screaming. Oh, the guilt!
Thank you for the reply and kind words...and the truth! Just to clarify, I did sit down with the family before accepting the job and everyone but the hubby seemed excited for the move...new places, new things - and the hubby was concerned but agreed to it - I just don't think the reality of it really kicked in until it was all said and done...and it was such a fast "decision to action" period that by the time the dust settled it was total shock...and yes, the homesick reality has been significant. But still, my fault, as even though we talked about it, I did sell more positives than potential negatives.
When I told my mom we would be moving back at some point in the near future, she actually cried out loud. One of my best friends started screaming. Oh, the guilt!
One thing I learned about making a move: If everyone isn't happy about it, trouble ensues. It's not too late to undo the damage. Chalk it up to lessons learned. Pay the $$$ back if you must but rebuild a happy family life. Lord knows there's enough outside influences that can shake it up.
Stop with the guilt and just do what you need to do.
Man oh man, you are singing my song. Only, I wasn't the one who made the choice. It was for my husband. I love living here in Las Vegas over living in nasty weather Michigan...BUT family is all there and my daughter's friends are there. She is having a heck of a time making friends here and the ones she has made don't stick around here long. Very transient town. She is going to the community college, I think it is harder to make friends there than if she were in high school. She HATES everything about being here and I feel as if she is getting depressed. Yes, we feel guilty. Add to that, with all the social media abound, she is constantly seeing what her friends are doing back home. So...she will begin to make plans to move back after the Spring semester. I told her that all her ducks need to be in a row before then. She is 18, so she needs to learn how to survive, making her own decisions, with some guidance but she has to learn how to ask for it and get it.
As far as me missing family, it does suck, but we will wait it out for a bit then I would venture to say, we will end up back in MI. I hate that my g'kids are growing up without me being there. Just not sure the weather is worth it either way. Time will tell.
Don't beat yourself up. You tried it. Tons of people will never move out of the area they grew up in. I think this is an good experience. Kids today are spoiled and we allow them to make us feel guilty. Years ago, my parents would have said, "we are moving and that's it. Deal." And we would have. Now, we are so worried about them getting depressed and such.
I think it is rather unfair of your spouse, who must have known about this, to not be there with you. We lived separate for almost 4 years, while my daughter got through HS, and just flew back and forth visiting. It was tough, but, again, I allowed this to happen for her. My fault. I shouldn't even be surprised that she is acting as she does, but she is an adult now and needs to decide what it is she will do and be responsible for the consequences of those decisions. Lord knows, I have made some bad decisions in my life, but I have to deal with the results!
Good luck!! Weigh the pros and cons and start moving toward the majority!
Kids today are spoiled and we allow them to make us feel guilty. Years ago, my parents would have said, "we are moving and that's it. Deal." And we would have. Now, we are so worried about them getting depressed and such.
Really great comments, kimba01. I especially liked this one. Made me laugh too because my folks said the same thing to me. I did what they said and eventually I adjusted. That's what we did back then.
Man oh man, you are singing my song. Only, I wasn't the one who made the choice. It was for my husband. I love living here in Las Vegas over living in nasty weather Michigan...BUT family is all there and my daughter's friends are there. She is having a heck of a time making friends here and the ones she has made don't stick around here long. Very transient town. She is going to the community college, I think it is harder to make friends there than if she were in high school. She HATES everything about being here and I feel as if she is getting depressed. Yes, we feel guilty. Add to that, with all the social media abound, she is constantly seeing what her friends are doing back home. So...she will begin to make plans to move back after the Spring semester. I told her that all her ducks need to be in a row before then. She is 18, so she needs to learn how to survive, making her own decisions, with some guidance but she has to learn how to ask for it and get it.
As far as me missing family, it does suck, but we will wait it out for a bit then I would venture to say, we will end up back in MI. I hate that my g'kids are growing up without me being there. Just not sure the weather is worth it either way. Time will tell.
Don't beat yourself up. You tried it. Tons of people will never move out of the area they grew up in. I think this is an good experience. Kids today are spoiled and we allow them to make us feel guilty. Years ago, my parents would have said, "we are moving and that's it. Deal." And we would have. Now, we are so worried about them getting depressed and such.
I think it is rather unfair of your spouse, who must have known about this, to not be there with you. We lived separate for almost 4 years, while my daughter got through HS, and just flew back and forth visiting. It was tough, but, again, I allowed this to happen for her. My fault. I shouldn't even be surprised that she is acting as she does, but she is an adult now and needs to decide what it is she will do and be responsible for the consequences of those decisions. Lord knows, I have made some bad decisions in my life, but I have to deal with the results!
Good luck!! Weigh the pros and cons and start moving toward the majority!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! It is such a learning experience, and knowing that others have gone thru some of the same challenges is helpful, and you sound like a fantastic mother. I also have the moved from cold weather to hot weather thing going for me as well...and that will be a hard thing to give up!
I think with my kids, it is the overwhelming sadness that is getting to me. It is not a tantrumy "I want to go home now!" type of thing...it is a sobbing in the room under the covers suddenly or hiding in the closet crying randomly thing that is getting to me. Truly, I was kinda mad at my spouse initially...but he did let me know about his concerns, and I chose not to take them as seriously as I should have, so I have forgiven him. It will just cost us more money to move him all the way here at this point, which is another reason why I haven't pushed the matter. He will be staying with us for longer periods of time now when he visits though - he has been coming about 1xm for a week, but will be here more.
It's only been a couple months. Some say it takes up to a year to adjust. How old are your children? Girls? Boys? Mine is not throwing tantrums either, but I feel it. I can't be the only one who tries, though. She needs to get up out of her bedroom and maybe join some groups or something, IMO. (my daughter) But, I think her head is so stuck in MI, that she won't.
Depending on the cost that you would have to repay, I would stick out the 6 months and let them finish they grade they are in, but start making plans to move. I take it you still have a house in your hometown? We sold ours this past January and bought one here. So...it would take us time to work all that out if we made the decision to go back. My daughter can go back sooner if she works it out. The fortunate thing is that my husband's employer has a company in MI, but it is less money (union pays less there) and would probably require some traveling due to MI economy. He hated the traveling, which was a big part of us choosing to move here.
When we relocated out of state the kids were grown and we were beginning weddings and grandchildren. It is hard, we made it 5 years out of state and then moved back to our home state of Michigan. This move back was made easier on us because of the economy hitting hard in the south, and hubby losing jobs because of plant closure.
Now that we are back, I have to say I miss AL, but to be with all of my children and grandchildren, well I will be cold a few months out of the year (actually more than a few, and we got our first dusting of snow last night), but I will live out the rest of my life here with my loved ones.
I'm sorry to hear of both of your troubles, moving is difficult and I have to say it takes a good year to adjust to the new surroundings. BUT I was on board with my hubby in his decision to relocate, and although we have had some hard decisions to make financially, we have survived and are in a better frame of mind after at least trying it.
Good luck in your decision making, but a family is not complete if you are in two locations.
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I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. 
